10
My psychiatrist had written out ADHD pills for me. I refused to even take them from the drug store.
She seemed to have made ADHD her speciality, since she said, among other things "the way you walk means you have ADHD". She just wouldn't give up. The last I saw of her, i screamed, "As soon as you mention ADHD I'm outta here", which didn't take many minutes.
Then, one night, my mom came, with the pills, and told me "Try one, only one". I did and she left.
Then, from midnight to 5 in the morning, I layed in bed with no thoughts, no feelings, and in the beginning, my eyes rolling in weird ways. Sort of like being dead, I guess.
This was just 1 pill.
I took the jar and threw it in the trash. Showered, put on new clothes, did breakfast, cleaned my apartment.
It was now 8 in the morning, on a saturday.
I didn't know what to do, so I walked, something I loved doing back then. Something compelled me to go by my lost best friends home. There I saw something weird. Just as they almost were in the car, I could still hear them talking strangely.
The even stranger part, I was there, a younger part of me. Only remember being in my friends car 1 time, don't remember where we went.
I figured I should have yelled and ran and told my younger self some wise words, but I couldn't muster to come up with that then.
Then I walked in the forest close to the house, only, that place didn't exist in reality.
I walked and walked, and came by a highway. Right, it was pretty close, but not that close to where he lived?
From Tumba to Alby is about a 2 hour walk, at 7km/h.
So by the time I got to Alby, it was 10 o clock. I didn't know what to do there, but I remember going with my mom there to a second hand store.
It was in a huge present day basement, maybe an old car garage. As I got in, I got the creeps, because 2 people were talking somewhere in there, and it sounded like Mafia Business.
Pretending like nothing, I looked for something new to wear. I found a yellow-white belt* which had "10 sek" on it. 10 swedish kronor, cheap.
As I go to the registry, one of the men who had been talking before, quickly appeared.
He said, as I gave him a 20 sek bill, "you have 10, you need 10, you get 10, and you recieve 10", and gave me a 10 sek coin back.
I have been thinking about that for a long time since, It's been 10 years ago now.
I get "ten years" to live?
But what about the others?
Had I had ten girlfriends? Maybe, I hadn't had sex with that many, but were pretty close with several.
"You need ten", right, I need 10 000 kr to survive with all my bills.
9 years ago, I had attempted suicide by torching my apartment and jumping. A string physicist, likewise complete psycho, told me later, "it's around 8 years for arson". So I get 10 years in prison?
But no, as my attourney told me: "Good beginner's try" on the attacking side. She had repeated a sentence over and over, trying to force a mad response out of me. I'm not very clever though, so only got what she was trying to do years later.
And so it happened, strangely on my sister's birthday. On the 10:th of june last year, I jumped a second time.
I have been in the psychiatric system since 2006, and have seen weird things happen. To the point, that I didn't want to return there anymore. I'd been going 2-3 days every other week then.
The worst thing about the jump, was not, not being able to move my legs anymore, I'm used to being alone and online a lot.
But... it was the sound that my head made when it hit the ground. Yes, I jumped out with my head first, hoping for certain death.
It's the same sound in the computer game Quake, that you do, when you jump from a medium height.
That sound has haunted me still. Many time when I get anxiety it's there, either the same, or slowed, or repeated really fast. The original sound has some echo to it, as if my head bounced several times quickly, as it hit the ground. Even weirder, I didn't fall straight down, but ended up in a thorny bush, by the side. An angel wanting to tell me something? "Without roses, no thorns"?
I don't know if this story is strange or scary enough for this place, but I at least tried to write something of content, from the inspiring stories. I've never talked of this before. The other things, like what happened at the hospital (where I met the musicians Idamo and Jim J River) or later in the day, are so strange that I just can't describe them.
For example, with the second suicide attempt, I had been in a coma for a week. I don't remember that though, I had gone out walking to a weird place which probably neither as well exists in reality - in the four dimensions.
So my advice is - don't try to kill yourself. Our minds are real strong, and our bodies are even stronger. On the first jump, it was more than a 10 meter fall, on the second, it was 5 meters. And I've lived to tell the tale.
Just try to make it through. Like now when I have anxiety (which is as strong as war veteran's) I think about some hours from now, I'll get my sleeping pill and have some good dreams - don't have many nightmares.
Also, try to stay fit, and eat more nutriciously. I know I've eaten so much junkfood throughout the years. Right now, with the plethora of meds they force into me, I've saved myself by eating a lot of fruit. Otherwise I sleep 12 hours, and just rest during the day, over and over, almost like coma again...
There is hope out there.
Otherwise, except for these 2 happenstances, I've lived in a real boring grey world. Women keep telling me I have "baby skin", eventhough I'm soon to be 41 years old.
I try to make my world interesting, by the way of making music, poetry and photoshops. No drinking, no drugs, no smoking - not even coffee nor tea.
Maybe see you on the other side, when that does happen. I don't know about tomorrow and I don't dwell on it. I don't think of the past neither - I'm not bitter. And I am now in social care, with nurses to help me with things, it's miles away from psychiatric "care".
But... don't try to kill yourself. It's not worth it. I don't really know what the other side is like, but go there when the time is right, not when you have lost hope. There's always a new day to look forward to. And a night of dreams. And waking refreshed.
Don't do it.
av Tsofmia Neptlith (ris och ros)
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