2022 09 03 04 53

it seemed to be that most people shut off my music after a moment. i finally found someone who did the same thing to me. it is neither good nor bad. it just is. things are worse with neuroleptics and they are better too. i have sometimes gone outside my world. but truth is related to anger. so i prefer what i have now. it will change soon. not for the better. i could try to change it but i do not know how. brb. ok. tried. dunno. when youre sad every decision feels wrong. if youre naive its good. because you believe.. you dont believe. you just are. i dont believe in guilt. not in others. but in myself. everyone has an aura. a following. so i dont see how it matters. i could write things like this awhile ago. and id get genuinely sad. but things were more challenging there. things changed faster. i truly felt like i was a captain of a ship. if i wrote long enough in contemplativeness a wind would go through my window. a spirit. a soul. it is good to forget people. because they do not forget you. you always have someone by your side. if you do not you are the supreme diety. but that like i said requires a lot of power and discipline and knowing when to use the right power words. the keys. there was a movie. in the last millennia. oh. right. my computer is decaying. so. i need to move. start all over. read books. i dont know how that would be possible. because it was only so when i had near zero neuroleptics in my body. and things change. on many levels. sigh. there are many sorts of shadowbannings. in real life shadowbannings too. until you are just in a void. im getting there. i know it. theres no turning back. or restarting. or hiding. god knows all. i should be healthy and fit and. im tired of that. since i was a stay-at-home geek. i was gonna get a second new tatu. and the place was closed. when youre sad nobody cares. then whats the point? nobody answers your phone calls. nothing. you try to talk to people but they either ignore you or yell you out or just walk away from you. anyway. ill upload this. its better to be suicidal than to be forever. not that theres any difference. if someone cares i dont know. i lost my last friend in the beginning of the year. she left 1 message 1/2 a year ago. and thats it. no. moving away wont fix anything. and i wont get help with that. and moving to a place ive been where ive been shunned? not a good idea. if its a place close to the sea? uhm. i get damaged easily. since ive lived in my mind only my mind is strong. which it isnt either. theres nowhere to run nowhere to hide. i dont see any light in the end of the tunnel. when you die you just die. thats it. void. it sounds like its hailing or maybe its just small waterdrops. you could say. whatever. ill upload this. everything is as its always been.