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if i remove all slang. i realize what ive always been. sad and empty. i guess i should try that. then they see it in my face. but no one will care. come over and hug me. say things will be alright. it was never like that. a choleric. untolerable. i should see people what they are. and be ironic and mean and smart and threatening while simultaneously judging them on their entire history past present. and thats all there is to it. if i think hard and long. ill come up with one of these. but then people talk faster than me. and i lose in 1 second. i could always look into their eyes while doing that. but it wont work. i read people good. but it doesnt matter. everything is a lie. on any and every level. bella was never for real either. theatre. i wrote about that. i didnt know what i was writing. so it wasnt me. so it doesnt matter. and i literally die inside in 1 second around other people if i keep quiet. just like in school. i never changed. they obliterated me. and thats all there is to me. i tried doing art at the same time. but neuroleptics ruin your body. and the brotherhood stole everything. so its futile. so. i finally realized what it was all about. fitting in. pretending to fit in. 2 worlds. and i never understood anything of them. the first is how outside society is. how youre supposed to be. youre never supposed to be like this though. if you act this way, the shadowworld takes care of you. as for what it was like when my parents grew up. i have no idea. everything is a lie. and you fight the lie with the lie. youre supposed to understand this. but i didnt like alcohol. because i was cleaned with it after birth. yugoslavians love this practice. but it doesnt matter. so. modern society. youre supposed to spoil your kids. this has nothing to do with goodness. its to improve your karma. you can molest them while they sleep. no one will know. unprovable. and besides. they know everyone. youll always lose. you cant tell them theyve done wrong. when they have the entire world on their side. you made 4 mistakes. ever.

1) you are 7 years old. you come home after a party at a close neighbor. you hurry to your families house. somehow everyone is close behind. when youre going up the stairs. you hear "now its porno time" dad replies "this is only for adults". you go up, you dont know what "porno" is. you quickly fall asleep. next day, you wake up early hearing your parents fucking. you only like your moms sounds. the next day dad asks mom "do you want to hug?". mom says "i cant. he.."

you ruined your parents sexlife. as a reward. dad starts grabbing your ass. the first time, its when youre 7. you shower upstairs, as thats where you and your sisters room is. you forget to bring clothes. and you cant figure out how to tie a knot on the towel. you figure it will be safe. if you have the towel in front of you. you go down the stairs. when you get off the last step. dad looks at you like hes piss drunk with a sick twisted perverted braindead smile on his face and deals the judgement.

(you tell this to your only psychologist ever. she asks "how could you know that"? she is obviously on his side. she is either bipolar or just takes drugs every other day or when she wants to act however she wants to act naturally.

[you do not know. because your only real relationships fakes everything on every level to get some cheap entertainment from you. she often states that the art youve made of other women must be removed. then her sister says you should remove the art about her and never talk to her again and not even think of her family nor other name nor think it.]

she makes a psychological essay about your upbringing. she interviews your family. you talk a lot like youve done for years. at one point you say that you "have no friends" with everything else.

as a reward you are appointed an autism and aspbergers test together with the iq test. you are unable to grasp the question "do you see the whole or details?". you make an exclusive song about that on RTN GR8 later. you try to answer honestly. the emotion tests are disgusting old men with negative emotions and supermodels for positive emotions. you are able to tell them anyway, but includes strange synonyms of emotional words that are never used nowadays but guess right anyway.

since you lost your only best friend and are unable to get one again it is why you said that. you ask your mother at one point why she exhagerates all the time she answers "or else it doesnt get any fun". you are to get engaged on christmas you are fooled to buy a ring for 3000 seek with not much left afterwards. you have ignored your mother for 2.5 months but she has not ignored you. she somehow gets admitted to your job and spends hours reading the local newspaper and has a look of fury on her eyes. you try to make her go away but she comes back whenever she wants to. they are on her side. no one was ever on your side. except your bestie. but the bullies ruined you. you can remember being at his place and making fun of him just like the bullies do to you. he says nothing. eventually he and the other geek friend turn besties. they have more similar interests and live closer to eachother and their moms like eachother. and they start bullying you and eventually ignore you. in upper grade school the bullying gets worse from the rest of the class and from other people in the school.

at one point the third geek gets bullied by someone younger than him. you 3 geeks skip lunch altogether and go down to the mall and buy cheap candy from an old man at KONSUM who doesnt know how to fix the scale correctly. then you got to the library and read. the 2 others read fantasy books you read photography and science popular literature magazines.

you are told someone


he perpetuates this until you move to your own apartment 20 years later. he does it only when youre lying in bed. and facing the wall. you never lose your fear of the dark to this day. it always feels like theres someone in the room. sometimes it feels like youre getting raped. you enjoy it. you write this now and realize its not enjoyment. this is why you havent enjoyed sex.

you start asking your best friend "what would you choose, fuck or die?" sometimes.

you copied your dad. but he did it behind closed doors.

you are at a class party in a class room. 4th grade. one guy plays records. people dance. you sit and look down at the floor for hours and eat the large amount of popcorns your mom made you bring there together with your 3rd geek friend.

at some point the most popular blonde in school asks if you want to dance. you answer no.

for this you were awarded a fat gay thief perverted with pets stalker that gave you potatoe chips so you "would be friends", that calls you up when youre with your best friend and say "its your best friend do you want to play?". your sis tells him off. he doesnt haunt your house but bullies you in school. with other kids around. then the blonde awards you with a second stalker. then it just scaled logarithimically.

when youre in upper grade school. a blonde before you. less tall.

this didnt stop in college. some time in the third year. you look at someone you liked in the third year but you got pimples on your nose all of a sudden in first and she looks at you in disgust and that was the end of it. this time your face blossoms up and you walk out of class while your art teacher tries to make you stop. she says youre sensitive and people should treat you well.

the first day of college youre supposed to take pictures of eachother. the other person a guy says it looks better if you photo from below youre fat and pretend to smile and its a horrible photo and it was obviously done intentionally. you dont grasp the concept of slang and talking behind peoples back.

one time you get to college and dont dare to enter the classroom. you go to the toilet and cry. you start skipping school. you never attended gym class as the second bully has his way with you. nobody speaks against it. someone whos now an internationally famed musician throws a ball in your face you cry and get yelled out for crying. for a short time you cry then you permanently die inside. when you go into chatrooms and say you are bullied. your only response back is "hit them back" or "*hugs*. the first test doesnt work the second bully has stolen your backpack and runs away. you go up to him crying punch him lightly in the stomache he does the same thing back and gives you back your backpack.

you started talking with your besties in class without holding up your hand and waiting your turn since 4th grade. you get a reprimand for biking on the school field. in 6th grade you get to a new school. the first one cant accomodate 6th grade. the first one were barracks on one level and long corridors.

the second one is bigger and many levels and a lot of stairs and many more rooms.

at one point your second bully

you write in your diary that your teacher reads that "bullying shouldnt be allowed to exist". she checkmarks it and thats it and shes with the others and youre not to say no to a blonde. at some time youre awarded to sit next to her in class. your bangs are long and greasy and youve started getting pimples there. you pick them in class. she says "youre bleeding". this is codeword for that she can get pregnant. you realize this 25 years later when you began abusing substances normal people start with in kindergarten. but thats obviously too late. too late for everything.

you lose 64% on an english test for spelling the term for self, i, with a minor letter. you check up the slang of this later and it means a stupid blonde. this fulfills the prophecy later. you do not get this. as you do not hang around people that use slang nor take weed alcohol beer cigarettes snus tea coffee hot cocoa you dont understand any of this until youre in your 30s.

1) you stole your dads money. it was lying out in the open. youd figure he wouldnt tell. you didnt take that much each time. buy trading cards. fit in. throw cards at others cards. that was first grade. quickly got tired of it. betted everything. tried to use baseball caps. were gonna change to a new every day. quickly got tired of it.

im tired i should continue tomorrow. this is who i really am. dead on the inside and sad and unable to express anything. you are a high functioning autist and you fooled the world so well that you dont get the diagnosis but the psychologist wanted to teach you something subliminal but you do not get it as youre blood group A which is the same thing as the lie taurus and they are down to earth and simple and melodramatic.

in kindergarten you have an argument with someone that knows about spiritual things

phase 3 was invented. you are forced to work. before starting you think your life is over and want to make a difference in the world. you have made art for 15 years but no one has really cared. sometimes someone does it temporarily but you scare them away. you are cute at first but quickly turn annoying. they think youre great then all of a sudden turn quiet. they never talk to you again and forget you and it seems all is your fault. they are just like before they met you but worse. you tried to improve the world but did opposite. between 2004-2005 you are on an artsite. you comment random pictures you like lengthily

a week ago you want to play a computer game but it does not work and quickly reinstall your operating system. you no longer have access to your blogg. your only permanent friend since after the suicide attempt is gone. she usually said 1-3 words to you and updated her blog once every third month. is she for real? she has only a few photos. you hallucinate last year when you have no food or money have gotten a double dmt psychosis from your only real girlfriend has left you that that only friend was made up by your sister. because you show her an earlier blog years before. she has stalked you online since then but probably earlier.

you get a horribly flawed computer. you send in the monitor. it gets returned weeks later. it does not work. you call up tech support and they tell you to go into your operating system. you tell them that is not possible and eventually send in the monitor a second time. it finally returns 2 months later. this was an attempt to make you normal. you lie in bed those 2 months or talk to your parents a lot. they say you never listened to their argument only "shut up". your mother calls this practice for many years "essaying". you have many thoughts but no one to say them to. she often goes to your room sits on your bed and says that your bed is so comfortable. she stopped doing this when you were 39. you get mad at her when stripping outside. she never wants to see you again and gets an apartment near your south far down south. she says this is close to the only place outside of your central country youve lived that she can get there in 1.5 hours. you said repeatedly you were to move there to get closer to your girlfriend. she often says shes going to move but thinks between south and north of your country. you know if you move south she will move south if you move north she will move north. you cannot win. she does not say she has reported you but time will tell.

you are given 2 vaccines the year (2021) before eventhough youve read about a plethora of their side effects. because everything is closed. you imagine if you get the vaccines things will open again. it seems to do. after the first vaccine which was saline solution with a short needle adminstered fast you . oh. its turning weird. my head aches. good night.

. . . . . . . . .

everything else has been a lie. but everything is a lie. so it doesnt matter. your reality was shifted today so no one has any emotional output when you talk to them. you asked for this. this was your reward. nothing ever gets better. you can believe and live a lie but thats all. your behaviour to people in real life is set in stone and you will be punished soon greatly. for not abiding by the new ruleset given.