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you cant say it any better than this guy: well, you sort of can. in the 3 hour video, with a tjog (thats 12^2) of genres explained, he gets it right about -285% of the time. still, it was a fun ride, and i wanted to do something similar. though, if i divert my attention too much to anything-at-all while writing, i dont really want to continue the next day, or - ever. so this posed a problem. still, i started on this epic history lesson project, for some unknown reason.

alsoooooooooooooooo. i have a problem, a big big problem. miss star has ruined me, in more ways than one (about.. 1.03752). the main object of my depression, is contained in her verbiage "i laughed at your jokes". first of all, no one else has put it that bluntly. second of all, the problem is, i dont make jokes, at least not un-improvised ones. online i just try to write something of percieved quality - and seemingly, some folks get a plutchik-wheel of emotions attached to the JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE-like LIQUID LSD-qualities of my throat chakra. i really have no idea how it works. IRL im funny as hell, evidently, but i make up the LOLs on the spot, according to the ladyfolk im with at the time. so, trying to make funny shit, birthed TROLLLOLOGY, a quite embarassing deal. now i present to you, something even worse. (or, as they call it: music journalism)

today, we will delve into some seemingly very diverging topics. the object was to describe their differences, although - theyre exactly the same. so the opponation part of this essay failed, after the first planck constant.

start part 1 drug music: the library of congress end part 1

start part 2 non-stimulant music - to inspire the audience with an agenda, which isnt tailored towards drugs N rock N roll, i figured it would be interesting to delve into a creative delivery that doesnt include the usage of THINGS THAT ARE BAD FOR YOU (if youre not above 18). easy, right? not.

straight edge, entails the process, by which, you start taking huge amount of drugs, in your early teens, or preferably - sooner. because when youre 27, you have to get an X tatu somewhere on your body. and then you swear an oath to never take that shit again. sort of like new-born christians, although their ON/OFF switch between holy/demonic seemingly changes at will, worse than any manic-depressive.

this brings us to the previously mentioned genres ancestry, namely punk and metal. so, we got a genre which was only called "crossover" in its infancy, and the now trendy accompanying haircut - a ponytail of length at the top of the head, with left/right/back completely shaved off (or, for the hipster look, you also add a beard/mustache - with bands such as the god-awful 70s BYE-products GRAVEYARD - and, if youre feeling frisky, shaved legs as well, refered to as gay metal [james blunt], sleaze [the hellacopters, which were so bad at copying the ramones, that i can NEVER delve further into this subject], or parascitz [david bowie - who not only had diverging eye-colours, but his random-colour-of-the-day hair-syndrome, was much much worse]). then, when they gave birth to this unredeemable creature, it was deemed HARDCORE.

this entails not just metal growls, or punk screams - but instead both, in a single song. as innovative as it can get, huh? we get its children, in the form of emo [+ whispering, singing, instrumental talent] - its depressed little sister, and its ALL OVER THE PLACE coffee-binging uncle - screamo, incorporating everything of the above.

speaking of lacking talent, theres always the truly progressive genre of aggro cheeze, or its preposterous IRL-name DUNGEON METAL, or goth even - or its nickname "synth" - what it got called in sweden, because coke-sniffing journalists were too stupid to be able to pronounce the TH-part of the word - or its somehow even more retarded cousin - synthpop. taking pop below its liquid hydrogen limits, it even breaks the bubblegum barrier - being close in musical prowess to both thrash metal and punk.

you see, when black metal musicians settle down, and their newborns cant stop screaming. some (in a minority) might figure things are wrong. so they go hurry down to the local toy store - and buy the cheapest, most piece of shit synth imaginable, that the world has ever known. now, since theyre reputable, they try to make cute metal, and somehow, going against the laws of nature, this music sells.

although, completely ignoring the change the aesthetics - unlike, say - hair metal, or power ballad metal - also known as MAKE CHICKS BUY METAL RECORDS - they do try to squeeze the synth (thus the DANIEL SAVIO genre skweee) of all its worth. but since the only thing they know, is playing fast, and.. about it, this doesnt work. so their creations end up sounding like a 5$ shareware MUD fan-soundtrack from the mid-70s, or, the equilance of ANTON MAIDEN to the electronica genre.

not wanting to stop there though, they actually got talent somehow. or rather, they discovered ABLETON LIVE. with a 1 second MIDI recording-effort, seeing as all you need to record is a single tone, all-the-while adding an infinite loop, some randomization, massive reverb - and you have the modern-day ambient, chillout, drone, and several DREAM genres.

then they figured that playing it live was a good idea - instead of the usual playback (or the modern term: feedback, or - journalism / cerious software thumbs-up pro - perfectly expressed in the steve jobs record-companies song ALL YOU NEED IS LIKES). the problem being, since theyve spent all their money on drugs / beer / hooker, and the fact that ableton PUSH is silly expensive, they settled for a show-stolen reverb pedal. being so stoned, that they could only achieve 1 tone per hour, they upped the reverb to 99.9%, and thus DRONE was born.

and then something geniotic - after having driven their vehicle of choice into a brick wall or a tree - and 100% of the crew going braindead (oh wait, no difference?). they got the geniotic idea, when having eclipsed 50 platinum sales, to enlist actually talented musicians into their reportoire. thus, symphonic rock was born.

as their parents were the lovechild of this genre - metallica, having from an early age practiced being classical musicians - they unfortunately deviated from both the art of note-composition and playing VOMITMETAL. so they settled for melodic metal. being stupidly drunk while on a tour-bus in sweden (highly unlikely, isnt it? or as prophesied by none other than TRUMP himself - SWEDEN!!!!!!), they obviously did the thrash operandi of.. thrashing it, and their OOOH MYSTERIOUS bass player died. so they dedicated the only effort-known metal record in existance to him, with AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

bob dylan, being at first a protest singer, but in no way part of the peace movement, he also crashed something, namely both his motorbike - leaving him in a coma for awhile, and the aformentioned revolution - leaving it dead and buried semi-permanently. then, eventually, in the 2020s, it flipped around in its grave, rising to un-death, and screamed IM REALLY A GIRL!!! afterwards, he delved into gospel-inspired tunes, and eventually, the true blues sound, not settling for PRO-BLM:ers statements such as "i guess thats why they call it the blues" and "it was almost like the blues".

speaking of THE LEFTIST AGENDA, theres always punkmusicians such as leonard cohen, who achieved the incredible feat, of still having his poetry skills intact, over the BINGING years. being more of a drug-abuser than anyone else - although, in an inverse straight-edge fashion. just listen to his squeekiness on "so long marianne", and then the decadent half-century which followed. until trumps presidency got rid of his zombies-stuck-in-molasses-speed records & melodies that underperformed even the shittiest CRYOCORE / AGGRO CHEEZE.

cohens son, coming from an evolved aggro cheeze scene, also known as HOUSE - where theres several minutes of intros and outros, in which all you hear is the trademarked THUD THUD THUD (beautifully captured in TOM JONES lyrics THREE-HUNDRED-SIXTY-FIVE FUCKING BEATS - IF YOU DONT ADD MORE DETAILS IM BURNING DOWN THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!!!).

so, from the exceeding death-threats, which even got worse than NEIL YOUNGs (the epitome of health, abandoning SPOTIFY because joe rogan is A TATTLING BITCH). they, eventually, also built up the stupid dance crowd with BLIP BLIP BLIP, and maybe some BLOPs and BLAPs as well, and if they can muster, a 1/10:th second vocal sample of someone in the crowd farting, if they can pull themselves together from the rampant navel-gazing, hypnotizing and seemingly infinite fractallyelaborate WALL OF SOUND pieces of art, having more complexity than the complete equation of the RELATIVITY-THEORY.

mr son, anyway, feeling vengeful, was intent on making his dad roll in his grave. so, while leonard laid on his deathbed, similar to nietzsches nazi-sister single-handedly copy-and-pasting THE WILL TO POWER better than the average PHOTOSHOPPER. so mr son added before-1950s electronica to his last while-alive record, and several remixes afterwards. i mean, what could be better, than having his 3½ minute drawls, stretched out to more than triple the length? thus the fitting-title, THE WILL TO MEEKNESS (or: how i stopped worrying, and loved my atom-bombing voice).

there is still, one genre left, that is beyond even noise metal in unlistenability: namely EUROVISION SCHLAGER FESTIVAL. having been seen by more flawed AI drones than anything else on the planet, they incorporate elements of their performances, induced in the formula STEAL SHAMELESSLY FROM EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE, similar to the saying "too many chefs spoil the broth" - or TOO MANY ZEROES EQUALS ZERO.

while the average modern schlager song contains a total of half a dozen presumed songwriters and composers, they must surely be so stoned out of their mind, that they merely engage the RANDOMATRON. this takes things from a few songs (including the artists look, dance, and stage setup) which were somewhat popular 5-30 years ago. what is output, is the mix between BERT KARLSSONs genius mental masturbation of DANSBAND and the wonderful taste, you get from extracting a persons bodily fluids, and boiling them down together into a sludge (similar way in which SLUDGE METAL is made - they just use a higher temperature). and then they hope - someone, somewhere, somehow - has the distaste to buy it PAY PER VIEW for ONLY 5.98$ at the local SHIT TV CHANNEL.

this gets us to DUBSTEP, wherein people record one of the billions of ROBOTS vomiting to the aformentioned MELODY GRAND PRIX auto-generated shitshow. then they add in million dollar microphones, which seep up the sound of menstruating alcoholized above-middle-age womens slow wobbles through the air - when they try to fetch a cab home, at 5 in the morning, on a monday, from a pub in the middle of nowhere.

if you wonder how this sounds like - imagine mongoloid demons - thankfully summoned by CERN, without necks, straight out of hell - which, somehow overperform even louis armstrongs growl. then, placing their heads firmly inside their own buttholes - they make a series of monster-farts - though, completely out of synch (like everything else - this makes the style an amalgam of both noise, avant-garde, experimental, and the artrock genre - as heard on the heavily censored EUROCRACK ANTHEMS 0 - to be officially released on SONYWARNERBMG [a division of microapplebook] the same time as CYBERPUNK 2144) with the rest of the song, and you have the indecypherable vocals.

dubstep also involves THE DROP. being an exclusively female-dominated genre, which is only recorded live. so, while having intercourse with none other than baal himself - this non-SFX entails the process of LA PETITE MORTE.

a further genre being CRAP, or when it was renamed, because of marketing difficulties, TRAP - is DRILL. this can actually be beatboxed, seen in troll raps such ESSKEETIT, or the more popular billion-fake-youtube-views masterpiece GUCCI GANG - there, you have now read 70%, of the deeply emotional lyrics - a song, which, still, eclipses the total production of word-samples and recycled beats, in the whole electronica and gangstarap style - similarly to metallics coup d'etat in their genre of choice (HARD COUNTRY with fifteen pieces of FLAIR).

then we have the counter-movement, called riDIM, invented by none other than the multi-talented genius STEVE JOBS himself - a maybe birth-person, who, eclipsed even ELON MUSK in SUCKERCOIN sales - now a copyrighted word, coming to life, with the genius application of not ONE, but TWO beginning-lower-case letters, the genre "dance intelligent music " (or iAPL for short, highly related to the genre DYKENAZIINDUSTRIALMETALPOPPUNK, which includes things such as slowed-downed samples of leaked CCTV-catched recordings of spontaneously breaking public mirrors, or the celtic word "dynainmepopu" for short).

with sub-genres such as B1-POP (b for björk), K-POP (k denotes a number equilant to 1000, the average number of influences, a song in this genre has, per minute), and its oxymoron J-POP - aka B2-pop [babypop, a seeming oxymoron] , or MJ-pop (invented solely by the clintons themselves - bill on the sax, george on an out-of-tune toy guitar, and hillary on vocals - with the tell-tale face of a young lady plastered on her, this closely resembles adrenocore - heard in protegonatory lyrics such as joydrops - "IM NOT BEAUTIFUL LIKE YOU - IM BEAUTIFUL LIKE ME!!!!!" which you can often see hillary headbanging to, in recent interviews ) - or N-pop (boy/girlbands / neutrofunk - so called, because, anything, which would make a jazz-connoisseur, somehow enjoy the music - in the average length of a miles davis-note, has been carefully rubbed away - like turning the michaelangelo carved, marble statue DAVID, into a polyurethan ellipsoid - or its predecessor - opera, and the similar genre of operah / gospel / psalms).

and cheeze makes a comeback, as that is what OST - official sound track - is called in swedish - or, rather, force-feeding techno-junkies classical music AT LEAST 100 YEARS AGO before the music was dead and buried, through tricking their trend-sensitive minds, into watching 111 episodes of a mindnumbing series, in a row - as T-Rid E [stage name, his real is todd rupertian emmerson] poignantly pointed out on the non-cheezy soundtrack to OST HIGHWAY - "without industrial-techno everything falls apart" - continuing - "and then i can pick up new sample pieces!"]).

being heavy on the sampling part, and making dark music with talent, we have FLA - short for FLAvour of the weak, somehow. they did OSTSs for the cyberpunk generation (before the completely-ready-for-the-decade-dated-release masterpiece CYBERPUNK 2077 - called so, because of the not-so-distant future when the game will be playable beyond the start-screen - which did manage to spawn several genres of music, also refered to as NEUROFUNK, or by its better name CORONA POP - in reference to the way the music makes you feel, when youve taken 20 boosters in 3 seconds) and post-apocalyptic generation, in a paralel universe refered to as LOCKDOWNHOUSE - which, going against the grace of god, SCHLAGERFESTIVAL hasnt picked up on yet. they did manage to fuck up though, spawning the DREAMTECHNO way of digital life, called DELERIUM, which included hits such as A SAMPLE OF MADONNA BEING HIGH ON OPIATES, and.. not much more.

not to forget STAND FOR UKRAINE. we have the heavily schlager-censored isreali peace love & happiness banger PUSH THE BUTTON, telling the heart-wrenching story of the samson option, or EYES POP SKIN EXPLODES EVERYBODYS DEAD, as the sellouts PHHHSOLL calls it. this stock-market, advertising agency derived HORSESHIT is highly related to the avant-garde political horrorcore PG-1.3 collectives THE FOOO CONSPIRACY & IMMORAL TQ - who summons spellbinding university lectures daily - on just how to creatively use variations of the MF acronym, and the virtues in which you piss just about everyone off by calling them the N-word - as seen in his gay appearence on the FIGHT CLUB prequel AMX - written by him and DMX, from an inspiration after their multi-talented feminist polyamore partners broke up in 2017). and its similarly blacklisted georgian teenyfunker WE DONT WANNA PUT IN.

thank you, and goodnight. or as our rightfully, democratically elected.. democratic democratian democrat tells it: THIS WILL BE A DARK WINTER - no shit sherlock. id wager (as supported by the same science and technology behind SAFE AND EFFECTIVE VACCINES) that 99% of the wildlife (including inhibitants such as the big-toed, purple and surely gay micro-dinosaur, PISS REEKING HOBOS, and even - god forbid.. *gulp* - tardigrades), at least in sweden (the capitol of scandinavia) died somewhere in the 5 nerve-wrecking weeks in november and december last year, when the average temperatures ranged between -15 to -25 celcius. though, the cute polar / panda bears drifted further south, all the way to kongo / bali.

bai! or as they say in extremely dense j-pop songs, surpassing even cuneiform in its complexity: kawaii!

av Etletlien (ris och ros)

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