Psychological experiments
well, i see no need to talk to julia at all. / psychological experiments
like i said, she repeats the exact same things as 11 years ago. incredible.
except that, she also acts like everyone else, though to a lower degree.
she did say "then i can visit you" eventually.
except... i fucked that up. i started talking about my address and how to get in and other stuff.
i was supposed to say "ok" and then wait until she arrived.
sigh...
except that, she also sucks out my energy. its gotten better now, but since i am mentally connected to the computer, its acting much slower and even freezing to and fro. but right now, after having talked for hours (she basically spams me every minute around the clock) every day, i really see no point in our relationship at all.
this reminds me of the time with bella. in the beginning i created a lot in her favour, and respected her no matter how she acted, but eventually it just turned sour. she treated me well for awhile, then yelled me out constantly every day, then i eventually got tired of that and ended up yelling out her as well. it was, unfortunately, for the better, that she divorced me.
and, as ive said previously, the high amount of dip i take, has removed the OCD, but also good thoughts - i can no longer feel love. and bella also ate my soul, although slower. and i just wanted someone to appretiate my creativity and my personality, and bella did that. and i know ill never find someone like her again. and i feel no need to create, because i have no one to give it to.
but, in the summer of 2023 (2½ year after bella left) i did meet someone new. she was actually my next door neighbor. she only annoyed me before, but i got banned from facebook, and i lived for likes at that point, eventhough i didnt get more than a couple each day.
so, in complete misery, i walked out my door, and noticed margarethas was open. i just stepped inside, and she had no problems with it.
she is a mix between bella, lady K and even myself. when i was with her, i barely got anxiety, and didnt need any meds at all. she didnt mind me talking all day, but had a habit of interupting my free-form essays mid sentence, only to talk jabberwockey in the same style as me. but she was openminded, intelligent and outspoken so it was fantastic.
the thing is, to be together with her, i had to both smoke and drink. it was the same with erika.
still, the drugs barely affected me because of her healing powers.
she smoked indoors, and often, it would be a whole cloud in her apartment.
i still treasure the time with her, except, the psychiatric system made it happen. as when we were moved a few years prior, they set me wall to wall with her. wed barely met before.
i remember recalling an old dansband song, and since then, all summer, the staff would every day, for hours, play only 3 songs outdoors, so it was audible in my apartment, of which "jag vill bara vara din margaretha" ("i just want to be yours margaretha") was one of them.
we were only together 3 weeks, then she had repeatedly asked me to buy her a new wig for 5000kr (~500$). i was reluctant at first, but eventually asked my trustee to put that amount of money in my account.
big mistake, just a few days later, the staff arrived at my place, and said "since you wanted to move closer to bella, we will put you in tullinge in a weeks time".
a stonesthrow away, while bella lives half way across the country. but this sort of "logic" is highly prevalent in the psychiatric system. it makes no sense to outsiders, and mostly not to the patient themselves either, until much later. but they can use any excuse possible to poison, damage / abuse, (mind) control, manipulate and experiment on you.
you really have to watch your words with them, but it is really impossible. they will ignore all your complaints and real reasoning, and distort every word you say, to get what they want.
the only real thing they want is compliance, but they can turn any human emotion, thought, dream, experience and body language, into an illness, sloppily too. so not talking to them either will get you in trouble as well.
i still havent truly understood how it works, but the psychiatric staff, especially the psychiatrists in open care, but also the nurse at the housing, bring out the worst in you. you will get anxiety in seconds, and be screaming at them not much later, because of some strange drug that they use. i presume this could even be adrenochrome / fentanyl, or just a very high dose of cocaine.
during this state, they talk an odd code language, which, again, is impossible to understand, except to themselves. they are also very turned on in this state, but trying to sleep with them wont work, since they shift from vixen to sadist in the blink of an eye.
their own recollection of everything youve ever said is flawless, but they can lie about something one second, then the next use another lie which contradicts their first one. pointing out this flaw in their character though, is impossible.
my dad was exactly the same. i know he drank a lot but i dont think it was just that. since he puked for over 20 years, im sure he smoked every single day, then drank rubbing alcohol to mask the smell. his best friend also used to be a dealer back in the days, he would use his whole salary in a single day, so dad surely was taking drugs with him, and never stopped either, and just took more and more.
and trying to get better / less drugs / lower dosages or be treated better, when they are like this, is just as unfeasable. i dont know how ive survived 18 years of their sickening ways, but the average age for someone forced into neuroleptics is only 57 years.
interesting conversation with the drug upped staff, just now. to illustrate how they distort your words, punish you, and muzzle any resistance.
can i get fika?
"you will get it 19:00"
so i will get it 19:45, since you always wait 45 mins before caring, even if i just want a glass of milk?
"you will get it at 19:45"
so i will get it at 20:30?
"the night staff will give you your fika"
so i will get it 3 in the morning?
shes one of the few with a sense of humour, so the laughed, and promised the first time.
.
the worst lie the anti-christ tells is "i cant help you, as im a little busy".
another one has started the same antics, too.
av Heartgold Worldstone (ris och ros)
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