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I understand now it is not allowed to talk about suicide. It makes sense. No one can really tell what happens after death. In sweden suicide is illegal. I do not think there is an easy way out anymore. People can talk all they want about suicide, but they do not kill themselves. Not completely. Not to the outer edge. If they do they have discipline. They believe they have done what they should, and when they kill themselves they do not feel pain nor any negative emotion imaginable. As for me, I have discipline when it comes to making art, writing poetry, and producing music. As for the rest, in interacting with people, I do not have an immaculate discipline. I do not know what more to write. Life goes on. It is not the same but it still goes on. I am on neuroleptics. Not many people dare to talk about it, nor in a positive light. When it got even worse after my suspension, I tried taking up smoking again. It did not help. Then I asked for help from the psychiatric system. They did help, and quickly. I cannot say I will not mess up again. I am human. It feels like I am sort of shadowbanned on the internet. As if any computer I use whether logged in or not already knows who I am. This is not something one talks of lightly. But corona happened and with it things happened. Not everyone has gotten the vaccine. Some died from it. I did not, I should be thankful for that. I still want to go on living. When I lost my ex, it eventually now, 1½ year later seems to be little hope left. But I am still not suicidal. That is an easy thought. Things turn challenging, you act cowardly. You give up. I might seem coherent here, but when I am around people I try to act like a clown. I have practiced that so much, if I try to act any other way I just lose. It is easy to break a person. All you have to do is laugh at them, once. If your friends join in, even better. You have changed their fate for a long time. As for mine, it mimics my fathers in many ways. And my mothers in other ways. I understand why Conspiracy theories like Qanon are a bannable offence. If you speak from your heart in the name of justice and truth no one can touch you. There are few of those people. I know only of a couple, if even that. It seems hopeless to write this to the staff, and I will probably get suicidal just from sending it. Twitter is a large site, it somehow seems larger than Facebook. So whatever you do trickles down. Bye for now. If I ever get discipline I might lose my suspension. I do not think so though. Since I have spent so much time alone, I get happy if someone gives me their attention. You know, like a dog. This is sounding quite pathetic so I will stop here. Bye for now.