Vablogg 2022 09 16 17 45

yep. my death is imminent. i no longer have anxiety marathons. it is very seldom. and i do not want them. as i get delete happy and also angry at others.

to delete yourself off the internet and computers no one cares about. my parents encouraged it. my dad would have loved if i killed myself. and if he could "run away with some young blonde". which wasnt bothersome, since she moved nextdoor.

i see no way out. nothing is fun. and if it is fun it has consequences.

i have no need to edit anything on mr poetry site. and i added so much there.

but, hey. i got delete happy. it is autumn now and soon winter.

i will become even more decrepid. aka in a wheelchair. as i am on the second floor with no elevator.

i cannot see how it would be for the better.

closed psychiatric care is good in many ways much better than before.

but you know what? what i miss? the wind. something as simple as that.

i can see myself being angry like all the time.

i could smoke cigarettes, but then i will just get an even more ruthless angry psychosis down the line.

there is no hope whatsoever.

there is one thing. eating. but as yesterdays kings are mocked as todays lazyassess it doesnt work either.

the point of no return is already far gone.

i could just grope someone excessively and get into rättspyk. but again, it will not get better in any way whatsoever.

i could figure out ways to escape, except, when you are in a prison that is impossible.

i could try calling my sister, but shes a bitter cunt so it will just make things worse.

everything is now getting worse by the day.

i am not allowed to do one thing and not allowed to do the other.

it is just a downward spiral.

i have no friends and no family nor anyone who cares for me.

passive aggressiveness is the only way to survive.

except when ive managed to be mean to someone i am not proud of it.

but i have not studied that artform so obviously i dont enjoy it nor never will nor will i get away with it.

oh if i get into rättspsyk i will meet julia. a fucking khazarian. thats fun huh. but im sure its a gender apartheid so i wont. and i dont want to. shes a bitter cunt as well.

but how does it matter. everyone acts normal when im in misery but its always been like that.

ett kolikbarns bekännelser. dont like that artist. and i dont like junkies and everyone is that.

a junkie or someone who indulges in passive aggressiveness.

like my stalkers. i dunno if it was darkhalo first or one of my dads fuckbuddys.

"tjena kompis" which didnt work against the neighbor i translated before to "please fuck me up the ass".

something like that. i see no light at the end of the tunnel. i see only darkness everywhere.

i should refer to my ex as "my ex".

that is, she belongs to me and me alone and no one should ever get near me.

at the same time i do not think of her at all in any positive way whatsoever.

and i have completely forgotten about her.

except that i say bitter things about her and i am myself flawless.

everyone hates me and its always been like that.

my parents got giddy with happiness when i had my 8 hour marathon anxieties.

i had that quite a lot. quite quite a lot.

i cant say they did something else nor can they.

except normal people practice on lying and being subversive and evil.

i did never try that. i wanted to make good art.

i wanted to be happy.

and since everyone hates me that is difficult.

i could say that the greys are good or bad but it does not matter.

they are my masters and i have no say in anything they decide to torture me in.

whether its psychological or sexual or whatever they have the first final and only say.

there is nothing left to fight for and there is nothing to love.

i hope you are proud of yourself, "my ex".

people use their darkness as strength.

that is, they collect things they superflouously dont like about you.

then they strike at the right moment.

everyone fucks everyone everywhere all the time.

they are happy and in synchronicity.

if they are not they do a heionous crime and get away with it.

even if they do not they have their friends on the inside.

so it does not matter whether they do drugs and kill people in prison.

or do it in their fairytale world.

since people live in fairytales they can never be unhappy.

they can pretend they do not like you for whatever reason.

but as oriental wisdom says.

what you do not like you hide within yourself its your own shadow. i will delete this soon.

a normal person has infinite things to laugh about me in this text.

i usually only am able to say a few words then i am a joke to them.

i try to assert myself but since the world is against me the world crushes me.

with a single strand of hair. everything is a lie the life is mistake.

and there is no meaning. the only meaning as mentioned is lying cheating stealing etc.

naive losers like me think they do wrong.

normal people do not. they wait until the right moment to strike then they are happy.

happy with themselves and their pretend-friends.

but eventually you stand there alone which you always have been.

if you belong to religion good for you everyone goes to hell or worse when they die.

gods are weak and easy to insult or anger or make sad.

theyre a bunch of decrepid pussys.

just because the light shines in from the left does not mean shit.

you get cancer from sunlight if you are white or a whigger.

you cannot believe anything anyone says ever since everything is a lie.

normal people are dead inside but not hallow it is filled with gemstones.

etc.