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so
i figured i only did bad
so i said 1 thing i thought that was bad to you tracey
and i removed you as a friend
and other things happened
then i made that fansite
and you asked for my help i guess
except i wasnt actually suicidal
the woman that got me banned from the previous site
she said she couldnt work and she wasnt impressed by me then she was and i hooked her up with my favorite artist at the time and that one is a mom now
so across the board
i seem to ruin peoples lives
and then they turn into parents?
i dont really get the dynamics of this
and i was called psychopath twice back then
i seemed to steal peoples loved ones
its refered to as stealing hearts
or kiss the girl and make them cry
it might be seen as something good
but i dunno
its not talked about good parents a lot
ive met a bunch of good parents at the job
and they might be fucked up in some ways
but they have so many things to think about and take care of every day
i managed this for awhile
i could concentrate and only good things happened and such
but i needed drugs for this
and i was afraid to die
and that might be a good thing
i have many stories to tell
i dont make shit up
though i tried once
and it turned out good?
thats what fairytales are like right?
you make the story larger than life itself?
so the quote i used in my self biography 
verkligheten är en större främling än konsten
i dunno if its true
i mean i understand theres a greater world out there
but when i tried it i lost my emotions
basically, i turned into a god an angel etc
and just this simple thing about feeling the wind on your body
it doesnt happen often
but like, thats a big thing to me
if youre alright but youre really not
whats the point?
and anyway it is said the purpose of poetry
is to describe the sound of the wind
i understood everything before
and i spoke that
i dunno why
i was in like a methane environment
like a demon basically
except this goes back to the poem outtake i want to make a tatu out of 
why do demons live in heaven?
why do angels live in hell?
is it my own words?
has this been spoken before?
does everyone think this?
and realize it directly?
so what is the point of words?
theyre just symbols for something greater?
but if you remove the words you also remove the wind
and i dont see the point then
and the world is weird
theres some movie i havent seen called that
kiss the girls
it is said the elites live in this world
no
everyone does
so i dunno who or what the rightwing is raging against
thats right
themselves
they pretend to be something they are not
projecting
is this right or wrong?
was there a time when alcohol didnt exist?
it is said we found psychedelic mushrooms and turned to humans
it is also said we lived near the coasts and hunted seashellanimals
and they contain omega 3 so our minds evolved
thats why theres no skeletons from that time
because they were buried at sea
even going so far to say that we lived in the middle of the atlantic ocean
and you rebirth where you die
do you?
or do you just become a manifestation of your strongest action? your fate? your destiny?
or rather, your legend?
so i am called zoomas
i stare a lot
i used to stare at my screen
and then i stared at women
nothing seemed to happen
but it did
they died somehow
or they started using drugs then
i guess i will turn real old
since i was afraid to die i didnt take drugs
not even coffee or tea
bragging isnt good
and again, i projected that on others
did they want critique or praise?
and i remember these old thoughts
about being disgusting
in 2 ways i got the thought
only i am like this
maybe it meant something more profound
you should be yourself 
and you should care about others
thats really all you need to know
i didnt know that
i know now
i got the signs
and the punishment
and if there is another life
will i have learned my lesson then?
so, this is called self love
and, empathy? altruism?
i thought egoism was the opposite of self
but maybe its not?
again, its my theories of the world
i wanted other people to appretiate this
and i searched and searched
and finally i got that
and then i lost her
and this is where i am
its black text on white background
like a book
a notebook
a laptop
en lapp topp
my dad worked at a paper mill half his adult life
say what you will
but he did a real good job
i heard he actually had the top 3 positions
and he refilled chemicals too
which is one of the lowest professions
now i could tell my theories about drugs here
but how does it matter
you should be for real
that reverberated in me for awhile
i guess music is like dreams
theres certain signs that are important
which teach you something about life
like aphorisms
i am lonely now
but i also get happy and sad
from minute details
so its better
and its the ultimate way of living
i heard that christian monks were like this
they might not have practiced martial arts like their oriental cousins
but they practiced wine and cheeze making
and spent most of their days writing and translating the bible
it is said it is the most beautiful poem ever written
i dont know how many words are in the dark sea scrolls
or why we didnt discover them until so much later
they were written on animal hide
some religions dont keep an official story
its with the people
and even if the people lose their religion
that story is still within them
and religions have major influensers
dieties
gods
of destruction and life
now, red wine might be tasty, i used to prefer bloodorange juice
i dunno why, but my throat cant handle a lot
my dad was the same
and i didnt want to turn into him
when he died i did try
to try and understand him
maybe thats good maybe thats not
suicide can also be honorable
it doesnt have to be selfish
it doesnt have to hurt others
but maybe the ultimate bad feeling
is not being able to live with yourself
this is refered to as the exit stragegy of the soul
again
i got an insult that it sounded like i got all my information from wikis
so maybe im not that amazing or deep or insightful or beautiful or anything
but ive started to like wikis
the old internet has disappeared
its easier to edit pages
you dont have to be an engineer
you dont have to be a guy
you dont have to understand the hardware
most people dont edit it though
its this rule called 80 20
it seems to be a rule of the universe
i heard that 20% on a rug gets walked on 80% of the time
now, this might just be how my world works
i have seen stronger worlds
and though i live in a weaker one
if you only have 1 word to make use of
you can still express everything
as 85% of communication is body language
if the eye is the well to the soul
you only have to look into it to see
what the person is truly saying
and if they dont speak at all
it is must true
it is much harder to control your inside
than your outside
and maybe the others arent stupid
they find me stupid for some reason
and want to tell me that by speaking in a limited tongue
sort of.. that im aspie autistic downs
i wasnt always that
it seems to just be too much eletronic usage
but then again
smartphones are so damn strong
i cant handle them
i just use a plain ole cheap laptop
but maybe i sound like a computer
like a human google
i dont think things through
i dont have emotions
i do
but theyre like a spoiled brats
i never grew up
and when i did
i just got angry
because people had treated me badly
i forgave them
but then it was too late
and besides, i prefer having a functioning body
but this is an illusion?
so, now im vanquished from the internet
from communicating with people
if bad things happen because i dont fight the power?
i dont know?
if things are corrupt and you dont know about them are they?
and if you fight something which is merely a reflection of yourself
whats the point?
the problem is
if you do enough drugs
you die
your spirit dies?
and then you get immortal
so, i see dead people
i am alive
but at the same time i have been dead inside
i am dead but not completely
so the normal world didnt want me
i tried to make art then
then poetry
then music
so people would appretiate me
but
i got 0-1 views on most things
i tried and i tried and this didnt really change
again, i had 1 best friend
and people expressed that i didnt fit in
and i acted the same towards him
ever since then i have searched for him
but if i get 1 view on something
how does it matter?
if i create something
and only i get to see it
whats the problem with that?
if i am proud of myself
and secure in myself
whats the problem?
if there werent computers
what would i have turned into?
so
i am myself now
i think about my life
it seems self biographic books are popular
im tired of writing books
and i just write
and post it
and thats it
i miss the normal world
maybe i should just get some really strong alcohol
and get a blackout
snort lots of saffron up my noze and my heart will stop pumping blood
smoke crack until my lungs collapse
and then bad things will happen
and then i will be immortal
and normal
except
bella appretiated me for who i was
i wasnt perfect
because i am who i am
i dont see wings on people
i dont see horns
i can percieve them somehow sometime
so
normal people are dead
they are angels
they are perfect
they are normal
they have an actual life
they drink
they party
they have a family
they have responsibilities
they make society function
they have friends
they have religion
they follow many many rules
but
they are dead
do they have a conciousness?
but if they improve the world
and treat you badly
like the greys
how does it matter?
the overall impression i got before
is that guys got furious at me
and insulted me in a way i didnt understand
women got spellbound, but it was more like they were watching tv
now, i stopped watching tv 9/11
but i turned into it myself?
and i was hbttq in the 90s
before it was popular and demonised
i dont enjoy neither joy or sex
i am naturally calm
around people i am not
so to compensate for this
i tried to say as fast as possible things i thought were smart and funny
you know
like memes?
but i dont know that world
first i was on forums
the same thing happened there
i was searching a father figure
because i didnt like mine
i emphasized more with my mother
but she couldnt really stand me either
so am i a woman in a mans body?
or am i a woman in a mans in an aliens body?
am i the epitome of american culture?
the american dream?
the shallowness of it?
always pretending to be happy?
to be larger than life?
to be fake?
to fit in?
but inside something else happens
you dont want to
but you truly hate everything
it just seems to happen automatically
but i am told the world is materialistic
the quantum theory isnt accepted
it is more newtons theories which are the official narrative
maybe this is intentional?
but qanon tried to bring this world into light?
but what would be the difference?
everyone is already in quantum theory and always have?
computers didnt make us or society better in any way
if anything
it seems it made us dumb lazy silent
like robots
so to counter this
we take more drugs than before
to be human
to be superhuman
i used to like nietzsche a lot
he spoke to me
but
everyone already knew what he was talking about?
intellectuals think theyre special
artists think theyre special
musicians think theyre special
all do
but in truth
this world already exists
and the non muscle workers are just appropriating reality
why?
because theyre lazy?
because they have nothing to do?
because theyre alone
and think only they think of things?
that only they have an inner life?
again
i tried to do ballads
except ballads dont mean love dedications
they only mean portraits
i tried to take a lot of self portraits
i adored those artists before which seemed to look different in every picture
they didnt have to put on a show
many did though change around the colours
strong colours
but a higher reality already has this
so why pretend youre something youre not?
did legalizing weed have any positive effects at all?
its just these losers which think theyre so high and mighty
but theyre just stuck in a loop
they dont evolve
they like having it simple
it is said people with aspbergers have more felt emotions than normal people
stronger senses
but i do not have that?
what am i?
i heard that they did tests of me in kindergarten
and i was the wisest
i have no recollection of this happening
we were to write a diary
but all i wrote in it was
that i sat in front of my amiga?
so
what is going on?
am i just an alien human crossbreeding experiment?
is everyone with aspbergers autism and downs syndrome that?
and why do they do this to people?
again, this is blamed on the mercury in vaccines and teeth fixings
but you only need to fix your teeth if you eat a lot of candy
i stopped with that mostly
because my teeth hurt so much
then i tried sweetbread
then chocolate
but again
this didnt improve my mood
if i had taken the normal route
it would have turned out better
but before i did
i had ruined my body
the thing is
if you ruin your body 
you do not die
you rebirth
you look healthy young fit and all of that
this is how normal people are
out of this shame there is seemingly no escape
then i was introduced to a political radio show
they critiqued the normal world
but then again
why would you want to eat sugar all day?
why dont you take something stronger?
something more potent?
which gives a greater high?
that doesnt just make you fat?
no one really called me fat though
and i didnt notice the difference
between being size XS and size XXXL
my voice fluctuated
from the normal quite desensitized nasal robotlike voice
to one with emotions
have i made a difference?
in what way?
how much good?
how much bad?
do normal people do bad at all?
they cannot
they have killed their body
they are only angels
they cannot die
because they have perfect defence against insults
one time i wanted to battle their strategy
i won against several
but
even before this happened
i heard that i would be the leader of the place in the future
because eventhough i was different
i did good?
it didnt really seem like the staff that worked there liked doing so
like normal people do, they work to make money, and they get lethargic fast
so those who are lower than they, they put down
its just how it works
this is called the human pyramid
for me, i cannot grasp this
so i tried to be at the bottom and the top at the same time
as for leaders, they are in the middle
when their company doesnt work well
they are lower than me
sometimes they feel proud
of what they have achieved
of their coworkers
both those with high pay
and low
i looked up the definiton i had at another job
it is called allt-i-allo
but thats what a leader is
so
i am everything?
i am both at the bottom and middle and top?
i blend in with everyone
and get berated by everyone
i have no power
but i try to exhert it anyway
anyway
hej fru grek och grekdotter
förmodar att ni tror att jag manipulerade er?
som de flesta gör?
det vet jag dock inte
eftersom jag förstår inte de eller deras värld
efter självmordsförsöket
kunde jag inte röra ryggen
jag förlorade inte hoppet som andra kanske gör
för det fanns inget att förlora
när man blir upppassad
får gratis mat
fräscht rum och sängkläder
det här är hur mina föräldrar behandlade mig
jag tänkte att det var min pappas fel?
han tjänade mycket mer pengar än han gjorde som ung
så han tänkte att han skulle satsa pengarna på sina barn
istället för droger och sex etc
igen, jag förstår inte hans värld
alla försök till att bete mig som honom fungerade inte
eller som andra sa vad jag skulle vara
det var så många krav
och jag kollapsade
så jag satt vid datorn
på mitt rum
gjorde konst musik poesi
och inte mycket annat
var det här bra på något vis?
eller var det mitt öde?
ett experiment?
att bli underhållande?
att skapa något?
varför?
skapade jag en ny värld?
som finns där ute?
ett helt universum?
kommer jag återfödas i detta?
lever jag i detta nu?
och konsekvensen av mina tankar ord rörelser handlingar
är allt som jag upplever?
det konstiga är
jag får inte mycket visioner
och inte mycket starkare sinnen
med droger
jag förmodar att man måste ta väldigt höga doser
så alla har vid någon tidpunkt mått sämre än mig
men jag trodde att när man var normal mådde man dåligt hela tiden?
inte mycket
men det blev som något som bara var där
det blev inte bättre
och inte sämre
och ju mer man försökte komma ur det
att uppleva någoting
desto ledsnare blev man
jag gjorde mycket konst poesi musik förut
vad har jag att presentera för världen nu?
det var inte många som såg den
tills jag tog bort allt
om och om igen
jag förstår
för andra är jag död
ett skämt
primitiv
barnslig
äcklig
opassande
jag tar plats
jag är fet
jag är ohövlig
sanningen är den
man ska aldrig sträva efter något
man ska inte försöka va annorlunda
eller hälsosam
de som är likadan som andra
eller tar mer droger än andra
de verkar det få att se om som om
de är annorlunda
att de är hälsosamma
problemet är
de är inte det
men man måste uppehålla ytan
igen blir de som mig
de har en värld
som de inte får prata om
och de gör allt för att inte bli bedömda som dåliga människor
det gamla konceptet om att sälja ut sig
att sälja sin själ
men den finns inte
det finns inget bra med den
din själ är din kropp och det är det enda
med tillräckligt mycket droger
så blir du hög
och din kropp dör
om du gör det rätt
med vänner
på en fest
då transcendenterar du
så enkelt är det
du behöver inte wellness
du behöver ingen filosofi
du behöver inte veta något
du behöver inte tänka något
du behöver inte vara någon
du behöver droger
massvis av droger
och det är det enda med livet
vilket inte är det
livet är kallt tråkigt meningslöst hårt svårt
om du dödar livet så blir du dig själv
du kan göra precis vad du vill
du kan göra 100 saker per dag
du kan ha 100 saker i huvud
du kan bry dig om 100 människor
du har perfekta svar och frågor och försvar och flörtar
under alla situationer
det är inte många som tar självmord
så det kan inte vara något problem med 
att människor inte tycker om det här livet
du blir hög din kropp dör du återföds i en ny kropp
du tidigare du gör detta i livet desto bättre
ju fräschare perfektare blir du
vanliga människor verkar inte dofta någonting
de har inga feromoner
och självklart tycker ingen illa om de
jag försökte va som de
men märkte ingen skillnad
det var meningen att jag skulle vara kreativ
det var de andras experiment
eller så var de endast ett experiment
de visste inte vad som skulle hända
det sägs att om en enda fjäril gör ett vingslag
kan det bli en storm på amerikas västkust
det betyder något djupare
och alla andra vet det här
jag försökte att förstå slang
det fungerade aldrig
jag passade inte in
min vokabulär blev bristfällig
men jag var så uppe i mig själv
att jag aldrig förstod det
jag var bäst på alla sätt och vis
men det var jag inte
jag sa saker som alla andra redan visste
som var heliga
som var dolda
som alla visste
mitt ex sa att jag inte behövde ta droger när jag var med henne
jag förstod inte direkt
världen är på ett visst sätt
och man kan inte påverka den
det var ju var jag hörde överallt?
jag vet inte om min konst musik poesi har nått ut
jag provade som mest rock and roll
sex and droger fick jag inte
jag trodde bondemat var grejen
andra sa ju inte att de tog droger?
de åt nyttigt
jag försökte med det också
jag fick dock bara ont
och gick inte ner i vikt ändå
förut användes amfetamin som bantningsmedel
det är enkelt
du tar droger
du blir snygg smal slank klok stark automatiskt
det finns inget arbete
det finns ingen ansträngning
det finns bara 1 problem i världen
och det är folk som mig 
ah
orkar inte skriva mer nu
råkade visst byta språk också
förlåt

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{{DiktAvAnvändare|Heartgold Worldstone}}
