i want to have a car
because thats how happy people do it
i want to have pets
because thats how happy people do it
i want to be married
because thats how happy people do it
i want friends
because thats how happy people do it
i want to have a job
because thats how happy people do it
i want a better memory
because thats how happy people do it

but i get a ride anywhere so its ok
at my last apartment 
cats visited me so its ok
i am married to a woman i 
havent seen for 
2 years and i love her 
more than ever 
anyway so its ok
i gain friends and lose friends 
all the time and i 
learn from it so its ok
i am an artist so its ok
with perfect memory you have 
unhealable trauma that goes 
round and round so its ok

no one is happy
happy people die
because theyve 
done what they need

i want to make a better poem than this
of what i wrote in my head during anxiety

i want to be without anxiety and i got it
and nothing was left
nothing was left

the cocaine did its part
the speed did its part
the dip did its part
the beer did its part
the smoking did its part

i want my own life back
but how far back
it was just misery in another way

i had bella and we did get 
marriage tatus on our ringfingers
shes gone and i met someone new
and i barely write anymore
i write to people
what is called friends
but i dont care for it
i want my own life back
but who doesnt
when theyre at a point of no return
i am lifeless
i am one
since the cocaine
i am soulless
i am zero
since the cocaine

be careful what you say
be careful what you do
be careful what you think

it all comes back
like physics say
the karmic laws of the universe
i am writing this
completely dead
you dont want to be like me
i am dead
i am cocaine in the brain
i am dead
i am dead
i am dead
no day is something 
to look forward to
no instance is something 
to look forward to
no friend is something 
to look forward to
just bits and pieces
and the rest
misery
loneliness
pain and more pain and more pain
i am dead inside
i am dead outside
i look like shit
this is what growing old feels like
it wasnt when bella left me
it was the cocaine
it was the cocaine
i am 0
i am 1
i am nothing
i am nothingness
just pain in more pain
just work for no reward
my karma is off the walls
and im not 
writing
this to anyone
it just stops the pain
for a moment
but im dead inside
from all the drugs
im lying at a 90 degree slant
because staying upright 
isnt for me anymore
i am dead
this is what being dead feels like
and it will get worse

i wish i didnt believe 
in conspiracy theories
because thats how happy people do it
because thats how the 
winners will do it
hacking
menstrual pain
groin pain
just wank some more 
and more and more
think more about sex
no thanks
i am old now
it doesnt interest me
i dont know what does
getting a higher score 
in a computer game
how stupid
how stupid
how stupid
and people seem to be fine
with their limited vocabulary
i am barely breathing now
where did all the happy people go
i dont remember them
just bitterness
just disgustingness
just falseness
sorry about that
i excuse myself now
it just happened
one woman said that 
was good about me
it improves my karma
but dead people are still 
alive in the graves
roll over as they say
how do they go about their lives
i wonder
ive been dead so many times
but this is the worst
but it is better
since i write
but the drugs have 
taken any life out of me
if i dont smoke computers wont work
if i dont use dip i get crazy
obsessive compulsive disorder
which makes everyone shy away from me
if i dont do drugs i dont get lucky
but my luck is over
my left hand is hurting
which is logical
since i landed on it
10 meters jump
theres no much left
but my heart is strong
i dont hurt a lot
i hurt a lot
i get migraines now
its just intolerable
pills dont help
they should say
drugs dont work
but drugs are pills as well
and neuroleptic inejctions
dont get me started
im tired
i wont fall asleep
ill listen to the fans sound 
befoer it bursts into flames 
one day from all 
the dirt it aqcuires
i worry about that
sorry about this
sorry about all
people talk about how high they get
they never talk about how low they get
so i talk about it
dont get high
youll get just as low
if you dont
one day you get all the lowness in one
its not worth it
eat healthy
live healthy
work healthy
all healthy
its the only way
but its a sick world
so it doesnt matter
i figured lately most people
on this prison planet
have gotten used to the enviroment
theyve rebirthed thousands
if not million times
as a demon
or as bellas favorite quote from me
demons live in heaven
angels live in hell
therell be no more tatus
miss economy is only mean
and ill get migraine from that
i am stuck in my apartment
anything else is punishment
and its also punishment in here
and its just starting
a have a lot of pain to go through
a lot
and i see no point in pain
i saw no point in mental pain
but without it
as in now
i dont write
not much makes me happy
as a taurus in the sun
i only want to feel peace
and peace is 
over with 
with the drugs
//thosfmia neplith
i have another name
but i do not remember it
this name is short for
tomas sofia of neptune 
upon lilith
just so you know
but i will change 
my name once again
//Morphine Rebirth