i remember now how i used to be afraid to ask for help. also afraid to ask people what good things they think of me. as tammy said back in the day: "you make us so happy that we dont know what to say" or something like that :) i have belief in my poetry. i had so before. but really. most people have drunk CUBIC LITRES of alcohol through their lifes, and many in a night, so they become clairevoyant, and "see" and experience my poetry whenever they get drunk or smoke or just whenever. i was at this state for a few moments in spring2020 when bella left me. that tells me that most people are in a constant state of DMT psychosis, and for all my faults, im the one that has fucked up LEAST of most people in the world. i cant eat oatmeal, the sugar high is worse than even sugared water (which im now drinking). its problematic that, if i have anything of any tastiness at home, it all disappears after a few days. like drinking PURE cream, its actually nutricious, it doesnt hurt your heart. coconut oil or just any oil really, unless i fry things with it, my heart hurts almost directly. strange that. i love you tracey. thanks for saving me. but maybe if i hadnt made that fansite, and worked so hard on it, to have something to be rembered by, you wouldnt have turned into a mother, or at least, you wouldnt have contacted me. if id given up blogging thered been no way for you to reach out. and then AFTER i met bella i deleted the fansite. i know josh youre hearing this, so just, hey, i aint mad atcha. youre apart of anonyomous right? you can even hack linux computers lol good one.