so
met an 84 year old
stand in
somatic doctor
never met a 
good one before
she said after awhile
all of a sudden
"you have inverse 
depression"
yes
i can joke around
and be all exhuberant
all the damn time
but theres no sparkle in my eye
im completely dead inside
ive only seen this in one other person
she was sexually tortured as a kid
but my story is different
thus i write and write...