the day i took cocaine
my best friend left me
the day i took cocaine
my mother left me
the day i took cocaine
tomas left me
the day i took cocaine
sofia returned

the day i took cocaine
my life fell apart 
in so many ways 
i have no chance of 
finding all the pieces

i had had a friend 
for several years 
that i could talk 
to anything about

if i was sad i could talk to him
if i was glad i could talk to him
if i was mad i could talk to him
for hours on end

the day 
i took 
cocaine

he had started 
in loose terms 
to talk about sex

me shallowly 
figured cocaine 
would do the job

you see im not 
attracted to guys 
in any way

most think of me 
as gay or female 
or i dont know
something more

since hed mentioned 
theres a drug dealer 
nearby once

i figured id go 
over there
flashback

3 months ago i had 
physically assaulted 
my own mother

and told her i never 
under any circumstance 
wanted to see her again

since that day she had 
sold off things and left 
at second hand stores

she had 
so many things 
she lives for them

and that 
had made her 
suicidal

i wish no one 
to get that plague

it follows 
you everywhere

the day 
i took 
cocaine

the blood 
follows me 
everywhere

kjell my friend 
asked about 
that book again

almost 
every night 
i awake at 3:27

and i just 
dont work 
i freak out

the only thing 
that works is 
reading books

i can manage 2 or 3 
before im tired and 
go to bed at noon

of all 
the books 
i have read

it was
that one 
he wanted

beyond good and evil
by friedrich nietzsche

i thought 
it said 
everything

now i cant even hear 
or read a single 
german sounding word

without getting 
back to that spot
flashback

i had groped a 
japanese woman 
a year ago

shed said shed 
get me locked 
away for life

but the 
police 
never came

there was no 
investigation

all charges 
were dropped

but not 
on the 
other side

i hurried to 
my apartment 
10 minutes 
away by foot

and as i got back 
kjells door 
was open

not 
that 
unusual

there was 
a knife on 
the doors 
inside

not 
that 
unusual

there was 
blood 
on the 
knife

not 
that 
unusual

the rest my body 
and mind plays 
over and over 
again 

the day 
i took 
cocaine

i bought 10 grams 
of the best 
shit there is
flashback

the day my 
mother left me

the day
i took 
cocaine

she left an 
envelope 
on my door

spend 
it well
it said

i dont know 
how much money 
was in it

but everything was 
blood drenched 
since then

my whole 
life 
is

i see 
water as 
blood

to the point 
that i dont think 
water exists anymore

its only torment 
and pain and 
trauma

no tears 
are left 
to cry

the day 
i took 
cocaine

kjell 
had been 
neutered

it was 
blood 
everywhere

even 
the 
ceiling

i wondered 
who had 
done that

who could do 
something 
like that

the day 
i took 
cocaine

i figured maybe 
they had taken 
cocaine to 
handle it

this is 
the day 
after i took 
cocaine

there is 
nothing 
after it

only pain 
in more 
pain

or did i 
just make 
this up

am i 
this 
fucked 
up

who did 
this 
to me

my 
own 
mother

my 
own 
mother