its strange
i noticed today
that i was sweating in 
bed while having despair
even stranger
i smelled sweet
it seems like my 
body did a reboot
i rested in miss 
neighbors sofa for an hour
its only for 2 people
and im pretty tall
long legs
so i laid in strange positions
i have fibromyalgia
which means my lymphic system is broken
the lymphs only work when you move
and ive spent most of my life
since i was 7 years old
in front of a tv screen 
playing videogames
or in front of my 
computer doing art
but now i sweated again
it seems to have gone away
this makes me wonder
how all those people
who go OUT OF THEIR 
WAY to not exercise
who take the bus EVERYWHERE
who asks their mates or family
to give them a ride 
across the street
do they sweat
or is it all a lie
i know they didnt like me before
because i didnt smell like them
i smelled human
the rarest smell
a dog sniffed me
another one kissed 
my hand over and over
often if a dog is 
sitting next to their owner
on the train commute
i reach over to their nose
and let them lick my face
i get no diseases
nor rashes from it
anyway
i smell like an animal
like a monkey
and dogs love me for it
and cats smell wonderful
the neighborhood cats
dunno if its both
they love prodding their heads against me
and they smell like the sweetest perfume
no ones ever mentioned that to me
they say they neuter their cats
because the male ones smell so bad
and i know now
a lot of people who i thought
had lots of perfume on them
just have a lot of cats
anyway
ive smoked now for about 8 months
i changed to cigarillos
after i hit a woman
it was ok she didnt report me
but cigarettes have 80 toxins
tailormade for them in them
i also take dip or snus 
as we say in swedish
i also drink coffee
if i hadnt busted a wisdom tooth
by DRINKING red wine vinegar
id been more straight edge
still
i try not to take too much
now it gets worse
it was the end of the week
i had no cigarillos left
i get money each week 
from my economy person
and she wasnt in on 
giving me a few krona 
so i could buy smokes
so
i
er
smoked koriander
and ever since
its been over a week now
im just not hungry
i did buy a bunch of groceries
as i found a hidden away 500 krona bill
but i dont feel like eating anymore
this is problematic
since my mom makes dresses for me
and the dresses arent fitting anymore
i trip on them when walking
so i need to hold them up
oh well
nobody is perfected
my mom has started having suicidal thoughts
i know its selfish in some ways
but i dont want her to die
or go through the same struggles
in the psychiatric system as i have
its horrendous
but i know
if i hadnt said
I WANNA BE IN A MENTAL WARD
when cops picked me up
after id been wandering 
with sommer clothes
in a snow landscape
id probably been in prison
so for all the greys faults
they still do a job good
except wrapping me 
up in leather straps
they have saved my 
life more than once
anyway
neuroleptics make you 
smell like a corpse
i noticed it at 
miss neighbors 
apartment just a 
couple of hours ago
if you go to a real 
dingy second hand store
youll notice it smells like 
rot and mildew and dust
if you put these together
youll get the smell of a corpse
if you havent smelled one
or yourself when youve 
been neuroleptized
then all the better
i dont want anyone to 
know of that foulness
anyway
just an open 
diary entry
from my life
hi
i am tomas sofia
i am the king of 
neptune upon lilith
i slept a couple of hours
and its the witching hour
and i feel fucking perfect
for once