so i prepared a speech to miss helper person. and now weve waited 30 mins and she hasnt come. shes not answering her phone. i get it. im not supposed to get help. when i called the dentist they were gonna call up in 5 mins, i waited 5 hours, nothing. the worst thing is mobile phones for me. mom called some months ago after several months hiatus, and id told myself i wouldnt use it, but we talked maybe 30 mins. then i called my only 2 friends, and her a couple of times, and then the anxiety just, boom. "if i didnt have bad luck id have no luck at all", as they say. yippie. mr dj is playing the most fucked up thing ever. scratching a beatles cassette. or something. im completely dead inside. seems i cant handle cars either. putin just nuke the earth. theres nothing left. theres nothing left. "poetry". im alive about 2 hours per day. its pathetic. i cant lie in bed since my arms and leg hurt too much from it. i listen to music but it doesnt elicit any emotion. but i cant "hear" the silence. only a few words very seldom. and i dunno about birds. they can be mean too.