When Bella left me for her Ex when our first baby was born, I turned to computer games, something I hadn't dabbled in for 1½ decade.

I remembered then how it was, I was accepted for who I am, no matter what. So as a tip for you, if you feel lonely and ignored, try to look up some online or offline (with an online community) game, and start playing! You will have a lot of fun, and maybe all that pent up energy you have will disipate.

As a gamer I had trouble fitting into normal society, although I managed that awhile. I have never had a proper payed job. Worked some for free though, at a large (or else it gets boring!) second hand store, a factotum at a cute art café, at the amazing thing called <a href="https://fountainhouse.org">Fountain House</a>, and its accompanying radio show, <a href="https://www.radiototalnormal.se">Radio Totalnormal</a>. Again, highly recommended to look up those, it can save your life!

I've always tried to fit in. 

I still do, wherever I go online or IRL. But in gaming I don't have to. It's people that have gone and go through the same pain as me. 

Thats why I play MMORPGs 🖤 

And that's why I played the Quake series online before. No matter how much I fucked up, no matter if I got banned TWO YEARS on one of the only servers on Gloom, there were people on the forums who accepted me for who I was. 

If you're lonely and misunderstood, try gaming 🖤 It doesnt hurt to try! 

With social media everyone tries to fit in, be as perfect and as exciting as possible. Hey, guess what? Life is boring and meaningless and stale and grey. We are all really boring inside, in our core. So try to find people which are on your level. With gaming, its like that for me :) Now theres so so so many online games, that it's impossible to not find one which fits for you 🖤

The first gaming memory I have, and also one of my first memories, is playing ICECLIMBER on the Nintendo Entertainment System. Since then I haven't really gotten any more skillful. I've played so many games, probably more than 10k hours, but I suck at them. I'm all for easy hack and slash. Runescape was fun while it lasted, but now it just freezes constantly when I try to log in. It's ok though im in MOC now. It's a small community but its ok 🖤

Now some games I've played that I still remember.

<a href="https://www.eldevin.com">Eldevin</a> - I didn't find the interface fun to use. It seems far too easy in the beginning. Couldn't connect without VPN either. Did download quickly so that's at least something. Give it a try if you're tired of everything else. The graphics are like a mix between oldskool Runescape and Runescape 3. It's quite well-made still.

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hI99HvOHCLI">Stardew Valley</a> Not a massive game, but you can play it with a few friends (if youre one of the lucky ones). its really original though and doesnt feature a lot of combat. I just liked growing and chopping trees. It's a cute wellmade graphical style, I guarantee youll fall in love with this game 💚

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2sf7NUx8Q4">mad world</a>. This is a HTML 5 game. The visuals looks real good. they're simple but detailed and quite... gory. It holds promise 🖤 Its still in closed testing, it was going to be released last winter (2022) but still isn't finished. I'd love to play this 🖤

<a href="https://pg5-studio.itch.io/steinworld">stein.world</a> - This seems fun. secret of mana:ish visuals. ive just started playing it :) 🖤 

So played this game some more. it has a different way of controlling your character. It's real beautifully oldskool art style though so it holds a lot of promise. It seems to be catered towards P2P (that you have to pay to enjoy it). There's something called "soulbound" which you get already at level 2, which I presume means you can't change the weapon or armour later, which seems really limitating. It also uses lots of computer resources (processing power) for some reason (even more than Runescape!), when it's just low resolution graphics, but seems to run at max framerate of your screen, so thats the problem, or just bad coding or PR management. It's also laggy (choppy movement even) eventhough I use the european server. 

So, the graphics are cute but that's about it. It's a corrupt game, worse than runescape even. Reminds of ultima underworld in how you use the interface, a lot of micromanagement. To use a health potion you need to select it and then click on yourself. Doesn't make combat fun. 

in short: this game just annoys me. after having played it for another 30 mins I can safely say it isn't for me. My hands are hurting from clicking and holding arrowkeys for too long.

<a href="https://verdictus.itch.io/kaetram">kaetram</a> - Hey a cute game like the SNES secret of mana. Just started playing 🖤 It's opensource too, so you can base your own game on its code :) When I just got into it, it was some dude who was lvl 226. For real! We hung out for some hours then I got despairful and didnt meet him again. Sucks. Still, try this, it's fun. Reminds more of legend of zelda 3 for the Super Nintendo maybe. 

[UPDATE] Well, theyve updated the game since I last played. There's now arrows for the bows. Some small changes. It's nice! Highly recommended 🖤 It's not that complicated of a game. You can make due with just arrow keys almost. If you walk up to a tree, you chop it, if you walk up to a monster, you attack it. Quite innovative! :)

<a href="https://mirageonlineclassic.com">Mirage Online Classic</a> - Quite gimpy art/sound but a nice community. They can be quite rude but theres some really nice people in the game. Can sometimes find someone cool to talk to 🖤 This and the above you can usually talk to the developers / admins / moderators even in the game, you can make a difference, don't let anyone tell you otherwise 🖤

I've played this for about 1x2 months. It's a simple game so it's easy to learn the mechanics. It's not bad. If you are behind a restrictive firewall it might be the only chance you got at gaming. Loads near-instantly and doesn't use a lot of resources. Good randomly generated passwords so you won't get hacked.

<a href="https://uo.com">Ultima Online</a> Hey I played this in the beginning of The Nullties. It was my first Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. It had so many good ideas that have been lost since in later games. I don't know what it is like nowadays. Couldn't get it to work no matter how I tried. Has quite good graphics eventhough it's from the nineties. Low framerate of animations though. There's a special Roleplaying Server even that was quite populated back in the days. There's also player-made servers (haven't tried them though so can't vouch) with whole new maps and other ruleset, and so on. Many unique monsters and tameable creatures, animal taming is even a skill in the game. A lot of fun. Truly unique that stands out from every other MMORPG out there. If you weren't around back in the days, sorry, maybe you missed an important part of gaming history.

??? - Need to remember the name of this game. it was jocular and also SNES:ish too. Real cool.

??? - Based on the latest unreal engine. Needs a fast graphics card. I tried a hacked version, got like ½FPS at lowest settings, so it was unplayable. Has realistic physics and atmosphere with beautiful natural sunsets, and very customizable building things system, that's modular. Low download size since it's all created in real time like diablo I's dungeons. As they say, randomness is the key to happiness! Not an mmorpg, only supports a small party size.

<a href="https://www.runescape.com">Runescape 3</a> (Not Oldskool) - An epic. Many people are into statistics, but you can play the game however you want. I've roleplayed some, it's a lot of fun. So many players, just watch out for bots, skillers and the trammies (grand exchange campers). A plethora of clans to join and get friends if you've just been bullied and lied to all your life. You'll find friends here 🖤 Just be choosy what clan you choose. Dont accept twinkers (hand-me-downs) and darknet script-kiddies. Is based on Java(script?) so you can play it behind a restrictive firewall. Has like 300 quests and so much meta content. Recommended a try strongly if you havent heard about it, as they do no advertising, one of the core values of the game, is that it can only be heard of, through Word of Mouth.

So like I said I started playing this in 2020. I mention runescape to lots of people, and many say they played it as a kid. Ultima Online was a lot of fun thought when i was in my 20's, so no regrets there. Anyway I'm back on Runescape it lags and low fps and needs re-installation each time my WIFI breaks but its ok <3 You meet so many amazing people in here, and the great thing is they're on your level. They're not like the fake IRL. And besides, whats the difference between chasing "likes" and "friends" on facebok, or drinking with your mates, than xping and gping in Runescape? I see no difference, so gaming is for me <3 I've probably laid down thousand of hours on this game. Since I had self-harm before and was chaotic, I've both lost accounts and I got worse than banned lol. Anyway, it's all good, I'm in a guild now :) And found a friend, a dude who doesn't do drugs, it's amazing <3

<a href="https://bitcraftonline.com">Bitcraft</a> - It has promise but they give a good outer images, while the Developer Team seem like numbskulls. And real rude discord moderators too. 

The game is without PVP and is supposed to be a building, gathering, politics and transporting resources game with some killing NPCs. Supposed to be a HUGE game that takes weeks to travel around the map. Similar to minecraft, if i recall correctly, in that you can "sculpt" the world. It's Based on the unreal / infinity or whatever its called engine I think.

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/@JoshStrifeHayes">Josh Strife Hayes</a>. Youtube channel about tons of MMORPGs and good games, and a lot of bad, unfortunately. Highly recommended. He has VERY dry british wit. Awesome guy 🖤 Interesting comment section.

<a href="https://www.minecraft.net/">Minecraft</a> - The graphics are horrible, I'm sorry, I can't take this seriously. If it was made in the 80's I might've cared, probably not though. It's supposed to be a World Builder game, where you can make whatever you want. Not sure what it's about. It has a good community from what i've heard, tons of players, of all sorts.

<a href="https://godsunchained.com">GODS UNCHAINED</a> - An $ETH game, you can make money playing it, legally. You need to learn to play all 6 colours / elements to win though. I on the other hand was only good with 2 colours, green/black aka Nature and Death magic. A lot of fun. It has no chat system, only emojis. Is a great challenge. Reminds strongly of Magic: The Gathering, even if it has its own soul. Still quite unique. 

It runs as an app so it can be iffy in gameplay speed / FPS / connectivity. Uses an algorithm for giving cards it's not random so can seem futile. I wouldnt want to play it 8-16 hours per day to make 200$. 

A lot of fun though real beautiful illustrations and a good sorting system. Real nice game. You play against other players obviously. you can fuse cards if you get a special currency this is what you can trade $ETH for. etherium is a sort of like Bitcoin, decentralized currency :) It's not that huge yet you cant use it on some sites. Some stores IRL I guess accept Bitcoin:ish payment.

RPGs

All early Final Fantasy's up to 7. Try to find an emulator for 1-6. They're amazing games without gorey graphics just beautiful and bright. Good music, good sounds effects, good dialogue / storyline. Just amazing in so many ways.

Secret of Mana / Secret of Evermore / Shadowrun - some good SNES games. Shadowrun is a cyberpunk game real cool.

Some old games might be on STEAM or as emulated on new video games I dunno.

<a href="https://www.homeoftheunderdogs.net">Home of the Underdogs</a> - Hey you might find an old favorite on this site. It's supposed to give hommage to games which didn't turn very popular. So they can have the site up in the name of the "<a href="https://creativecommons.org">Fair Use</a>" principle. Even has games from the 1980's, like for example text based (MUDs).

Remember to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=put+bob+in+the+bottle">search</a> on an old game on youtube, and adding words such "speedrun", "music" or "cover". A lot is available. It's real fun. Enjoy the internet while it lasts! 🖤 :) We're all part of DARPA lifescience, IRL as well. Sometime in the future everything will be gone. Everything will be gone. We'll just be in the clouds like Miley Cyrus says :( :) 🖤

"This is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDhu6ZF0X90">absolutely</a> the most exciting time you could ever hope to be alive"

IRL

A)

In sweden, as I haven't been to many other places, there is for example on kungsträdgården - a garden near central station in stockholm. There's often happenings there. For example

1) Sakura day. The cherry blossoms day. In march I think? They might bloom earlier or later though you never know. They have japanese food / manga / cosplay / kendo lots of things you can buy kimonos too and lots of things. Highly recommended.

Last time I was there was there it was some Nazis "protesting", hey, if you don't like foreigners <i>"get the fuck off the planet"</i> as mr IT says lol.

2) Hindu day. Usually just a lot of different indic food mostly. So tasty. I love indic cooking do some myself.

3) Extreme cooking day. I ate crocodile (was like yellow chicken) and tasted garlic beer (ok that was a lie but i presume its real funky lol). Real cool cooking try something unusual.

B) Just try acting differently, using unique clothes / unusual makeup / (lots of) accessories. Dye your hair blonde or black or neon. Be yourself. Express yourself like Madonna says 🖤 Try to talk in a different ways. Like a movie star or series character or gaming NPC or from a book. It's easier than you think, to be "in character". 

Be yourself but see yourself in others. The ultimate emotion is empathy 🖤 iIf youre a guy use dresses and nailpolish its not that hard to paint it and it lasts a few days even if you shower. If youre a girl use buttoned oversized (lumberjack) shirts / baggy clothes (hey its trendy for girls even) and dont shave haha / use short hair / shave it allllllll off like sinead o'connor (DARE). The sky's the limit 🖤 Get tatus theyre beautiful it'll change your life 🖤

3) <a href="https://www.svt.se/kultur/angestparad-mot-psykiskt-ohalsa">Ångestparaden</a>. Made by Fountain House Stockholm.

BOOKS

Yes, these magical things made out of trees, our ancestors. There are roleplaying books actually, called "Choose your Adventure". You start at the first page, then when you've read a few pages, it says "choose page 3, 17 or 38" for example. These didn't really do it for me, but my <a href="https://svenskadikter.com/Dedikerat_till_första_enda_sista_bästa_vännen_för_så_längesen_än_idag">BFF</a> liked them. 

He also finished <a href="https://pricespy.co.uk/games-consoles/computer-video-games/nintendo-switch-games/the-legend-of-zelda-links-awakening-switch--p5060874">Zelda</a> for the Nintendo Gameboy. He was a prodigy. He's now a Computer Security expert. I really wonder what's up with him these days. I found him on facebook but I don't think he's added me back yet, if he ever will. He just had an avatar and nothing else.

<a href="https://astronomy.org/moravian/C00-Last%20Question.pdf">The Last Question</a>. I found this linked on <a href="https://slashdot.org">Slashdot</a> back in the days. Isaac Asimov made it available online a long time ago. He wrote it in 1956, maybe CERN or some other research centre had internet back then, <a href="https://i.forg.ot/the_link.html">who knows</a>? It's for the betterment of society, and us as a species, like all good Science Fiction is.

DRAMAS

I have to mention 
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mC7i6ZYsJWU&list=PLECnv2eVbEoHE-VsefaV93qWsY0A7wns-">Dexter</a>, since the first non-fiction books <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:1880s_non-fiction_books">in the western world</a> were a mix of Horror, Sci-Fi and Fantasy. Is a really well-made book and drama series. I recommend both reading and watching it. It's about a serial killer but it's with a 🖤 Like asian movies usually are. They can be about awful things, but they still remember <a href="https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/kokoro">the core of things</a>.

Scrubs. A comedy series without canned laughter. Really good. Highly recommended.

OLD GAMES

<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diablo_(video_game)">Diablo I</a> - This was actually not made by Blizzard, which explains how it could have such atmospheric cut-scenes, which are unprecendented in gaming, to this day 🖤 It had real good graphics for its time - both pre-rendered 3d and real nice pixel art, well-made sound effects too, and original gameplay, as each time you logged online, a new randomly generated dungeon was presented to you. Was only for a few players at once though. 

The soundtrack in and of itself has inspired a plethora of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cALGAOrSbQo">metal</a> and <a href="https://internetdaemon.bandcamp.com">electronica</a> musicians in the especially dark versions of those genres.

If you didn't know, the electronic genre of music spawned from mainly 2 genres:

* <b>ARTROCK</b> - This existed already in the 1950's actually, with for example the apartment-big synth made especially for the swedish space movie <i>"Aniara"</i>. This was mostly made up by upper-class whites or just people with a higher education. 

It can be said to be <i>"complicated" / "hard to get"</i> music, but Steve roach's 1980's dreamsotz song <i>"<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNdrHWn0tOU">Structures from Silence</a>"</i> is something that speaks to everyone. If you look it up in a wav editor, you'll see that it's just 3 sine waves, how he made it is still a mystery. 

Oh and artrock is often made to be played in art galleries or unusual museum exhibits, it can be said to be more "concept art" than anything else.

* <b>HIPHOP</b> - In the 1970s, a lot of black LBGTQ musicians, were the first to experiment with electronic sounds, in a poppier fashion. If you dare to challenge your gender roles, you also dare, to expand the horizons, of music, as well.