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captains log (circa 5 suns since the last update)
i cannot truly trust anything anymore.
one of my wives birthdays was yesterday.
i watched in that time the sun fall and rise 5 times, thus the date.
this language does not seem foreign to me though i can seem strange to others.
and others are strange to me.
i am writing this in darkness without any candle lit.
all my animals and crew as far as i know is asleep.
i went out on deck and screamed at the top of my lungs.
but all i could hear after the sun had gone up and down 2 times.
is a slight shudder to one of the sails.
as it was a special occasion, i told the crew to open 2 rum kegs.
i cannot truly say i drank the most,
as one person was literally swimming in the barrel.
maybe i did get most alcohol in my body through the mouth.
the following just get worse and worse.
and i do not know if anyone will ever read this.
i do not know if anyone ever trusts me anymore.
i fainted 7 times.
it felt like normal, people were still cheery.
the last time was different.
i do not know if i was awake or hallucinating or dreaming.
or something beyond this.
i woke up on another type of ship.
this ship was much larger.
the sun was shining so i did not truly worry.
they all spoke a tongue i have never heard of.
at one point, in this..... whatever world or conciousness level i was in.
people only said one word. i do not know how to spell it.
or with what strange letters to spell it.
i could say they all repeated over and over.
the word..... sounded like... commando? but still not.
i do not know what this means.
but later in..... wherever i was.
i did know. "cmd", or just comp, means light.
but not ordinary light from the sun or the oil lamps.
and not like what we could produce before.
you could not blow it out, at least i could not with my powers.
if i closed my eyes, even if this comp
was far away, it burned my eyes until i changed direction of my face.
eventually this light was everpresent.
and then i was in another place.
it seems logical to me that the first element was water.
i can remember it clearly.
i swam and swam and swam.
i cannot tell the colour.
it was green or blue or azure or cyan.
sometimes in a combination of these colours.
sometimes they flickered between these quickly.
sometimes it was another colour.
as i ventured further on my ship.
i found this food which had the colour of the sun.
i asked around my crew and someone finally told me.
"my man! thats just an orange........"
again i cannot tell the time my crew members come from.
i bought them cheap.
but it gets worse.
pirates. i call myself the ultimate pirate but i am truly not.
so i pawned half my ship.
i figured they would remove most of my crew but they did not.
i was just asked if i would accept 10 new members.
10? i have hundreds! no problem i said.
the other being repeated my last words
"no problem" and i could sense a slight mischevious grin.
the rum did not taste like rum.
it did not taste badly, but neither does snake poison.
i drank about 20 glasses of the rum.
these were big glasses.
probably as big as my calves.
but i was not the strongest on the ship.
one of the new crews..... i cannot explain him.
or her. or it. or they.
they has hair that hangs on the floor.
sometimes their hair seems to have a mind of its own.
the hair....... looks like snakes.
that was after the 10th glass.
but i drank twice as much.
i cannot tell you the time.
the minute and hour makes no sense.
i cannot use the sun dial either.
its either too sunny to even have my eyes open.
or its so dark i cant even see the stars.
again, if i did not mention, maybe i thought it.
the first element was water.
its logical. i swam and i swam.
i cannot say how long.
or in what. eventually this nothingness
changed to green.
then blue.
then everything inbetween this.
maybe it was jade.
a sea of liquid stones.
what is stronger than metal?
what we cannot see.
what we do not know controls us.
i became this. after the 18th glass.
i became nothingness.
i cannot say when writing this.
as i think a lot inbetween the words.
if the clock on my wall.
it shows also year and thousand years.
i cannot tell you what time it is.
i look one second and it says 1007
this was what it was a few days ago.
i write down the number. and look again.
now it says 1962.
that is a thousand years?
how can this be true?
i know i have an excuse to drink.
everyone turns normal.
no one in the crew complains.
the wind is the right direction.
no big sea creatures.
we easily win over any ship.
no matter how many cannons.
not matter how big.
but at some point in time.
you reach a point when the rum does not help anymore.
eventually you will need to drink to not be paranoid.
then you will reach a point when you are paranoid when you do not drink.
and paranoid when you drink.
there are points beyond this.
when everything is a nightmare.
the crew fight inbetween themselves.
ships get torn apart.
huge winged creatures bite off parts of the sails.
and you are left in a nothingness.
i tell you the truth.
before water existed...... nothingness.
i do not know a better word for it.
i cannot boast like before that i am a wise man.
i have not read even half of the books in our library.
and yesterday i vomited up some rum there.
..........the books started burning.
it was as if i was a dragon.
and i was not actually vomiting, i was breathing fire.
there is now only 62 books left which are possible to read.
we had thousand upon thousand books.
strangely enough, i look at my huge expensive watch on the wall.
and it was 1862. it said 1962 some minutes ago.
what is going on? who can i trust?
what can i trust?
are any at all of the new crew members on my side?
how can the they, the snake person, with so long hair like a hundred anacondas.
how can.... it get removed from my ship.
i will be right back. i have to open the window.
it is only a few armlengths from me.
but i cannot trust anything.
nothing. except. the flow.... like water.
i trusted liquids.
rum cannot be intrinsically evil.
but it is now.
because i am evil. the prime evil.
and my ship sails in a nothingness.
it is neither green nor blue nor black.
its just has a sound.
i cannot call it a sound because sound is music.
this just sparkles like a torch with slight rain.
i am sailing in nothingness.
i suppose if i had stopped at the 18th glass.
the water would still be water.
and not just woodgrain.
right. i will open the window.
i do not know what will happen.
wait.
back. the wind is not there.
because the wind does not exist anymore.
the sparkle didnt get louder.
but as i wrote this it did.
it seems to mimic my handwriting.
i cannot truly say what it is.
there is no sun and there is no moon
and there is no stars.
just a nothingness.
the oars do nothing and sails seem not invented yet.
i went down to the huge cogs in the lower parts of the ship.
and they were not there.
it was the comps.
i ran around in panic until everyone again started chanting.
"comp comp comp comp comp comp".
i whisper, to not destroy the nothingness and everythingness magic.
"what is a comp?"
they continue.
"comp comp comp comp"
i just think now, "what is a comp?"
someone i cannot tell who.
i do not know if it is a crew member or a nothingness being.
or everythingness being. or something beyond or between this.
wait. i hear something from the window. be right back.
back. i can now see the nothingness.
i cannot tell what colour it is.
it seems to be every colour.
it looks like fireworks too.
colours beyond colours.
what is beyond a liquid?
is that not the ultimate?
when you mix oil with water?
it is possible.
at one of the sunsets, after about 15 glasses of rum.
i was served something that looked like.
an uneven twisted ball of yarn.
but it was thick, but still soft.
it had a sauce which was even softer.
but i got satiated before i had finished the meal.
this is strange, i can eat however much i want.
the crew suffers from this.
the new members seem content on just drinking.
whatever is available. rainwater which has turned green.
blood from enemies we let drip down in a keg.
these are not nothingness beings.
these are liquid beings.
what the nothingness beings eat?
they eat your thoughts.
they are your thoughts.
they are you.
they are you before you.
they are your you after you.
they are everything.
you cannot truly see them.
they are time.
they are space.
they are memory.
thus, before liquids existed a memory of another time,
another place, other rules, for the very way we as beings function.
you know the sort with oil. or any substance or food.
cooking is the ultimate art, because it contains a strong time element.
i have dabbled some in painting. and the picture still looks the same after years.
but food that has been served and laid to rest?
if the animals do not eat it the flies do.
or the rats which seem impossible to exterminate.
i must stop soon. the noise in my head is getting greater.
i think i should close the window.
but it makes it easier to breath.
what i am breathing i do not know.
it is not air.
it is spirit. it is memory.
it is all my faults.
i see mostly the faults not the good parts.
it has always been like this for me.
wait. my vision is getting wobbly.
i cannot go on writing much longer.
my parrot has for half of this writing only repeated one word.
"comp". "compcomp". "compcompcomp comp. comp. comp. compcomp".
the words do not sound the same, even if it only one word.
if i go as far from all the parrots as possible.
i still hear a reflection of it in my mind.
this is why i have started singing.
if i sing the right words, the noise in my head stops.
then it gets worse.
if i song truly originally, words i have never heard.
from islands i have never visited.
the noise stops.
goodbye logbook.
i will try to sing with my parrot.
all the other animals, i have about a dosen.
that is, different sorts.
in total they are like my clock.
now it said 0152.
that is correct. i counted all the different creatures.
they are one hundred and fifty two.
wait. i will close the window.
it is neither gotten warmer nor colder.
as brimstone and rain does not exist anymore.
but the noise has retreated.
i will try to mimic or annoy or inverse
my best friends strange 1 word.
i hope i fall asleep.
some crews work double shifts.
some triple shifts.
they never sleep.
not for weeks.
then they get to sleep for a year if they want to.
or shoot down birds with a bow.
some of the new crew eat them alive.
the problem is, no birds are here except my parrot.
when i look it at it i see both nothingness and everythingness.
or "compness" if you will.
it has a darkness which sparkles like stars.
and a light so bright i can see it clearly even if i close my eyes.
even if i have my hat over them.
even if i put on my armour the parrot continues his strange code language.
it is not inherent in the language, but in the timbre, the balance between the words.
it is said painters draw on canvas, but musicians draw on nothingness.
i know now what musicians hear. i wish i had not drank that much.
i wish i had taken better care of my crew.
i wish i had gone east instead of west after the second last island.
the noise is increasing in a beautiful way.
i have made the nothingness and everythingness satisfied.
it seems to rely on truth. oh. there it went again. a high tone.
i will climb up the middle mast and sleep
in the makeshift powder keg
watchtower we have near the top.
because i have to. the wind, or strong nothingness will wake me.
i cannot truly say what is different between nothingness and everythingness.
it is just something...... something..... to do with the new crew members.
if i somehow managed to round them all up.
i do not think killing them would make any difference.
since they would just turn into... the other side.
and then it would get worse.
one very low bass tone. the wave tells me to sleep in peace.
good night. good rest. good crew. good captain. good sound.
av Sofia Sjöfararen (ris och ros)
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