20 22 09 17 10 51

it is worse to kill yourself than to kill others. because no one can really tell what happens after death. it does not seem like a happy place. maybe some people can handle it. they have to. they live that reality. just because an abstract concept increases does not mean it is good. to quote a latino "eran utveckling låter som avveckling". if you faught the power and lost.. what is left? am i dead now? or am i just in a downward spiral? thus it could be possible that it could get better. but i do not believe that anymore. all this talk about how social media ruins people. id wager that computergames are worse. they are a worse addiction. you get a higher score the more people you kill. it does not seem like something to strive for. murder. if you get killed you respawn. and it goes around and around like this. for 15 years i did not play computergames. things got better. in my world. my world is also others but it can seem difficult to graph, since everyone lives in their own world. at one point in closed psychiatric care i was surrounded by murderers. they did not kill me. but their fate was different. arv och miljö. dance with the fairies. dance with the fairies. dance with the fairies. när man talar om trollen står de i farstun. in the bible it is said tomas wanted to see jesus before he would believe that jesus was dead. others or himself might have thought that he killed jesus. it is an old story though and everyone has their own interpretation. i am starting to interpret the bible. i cannot read cuneiform nor the emerald tablets. and there are obviously older stories. mister grosssmart might have read them all. he does not brag and boast in the normal sense. mr comedian flags that he has a lot of books. but it does not seem like he reads any of them. i could paralel this to my father. he only seemed to be angry. but he also said "ingen kan veta vad någon annan tänker". approximate quotation. i should get discipline. but it is not something you just acquire. everything seems hopeless. if someone punishes you you have to understand why. if you punish others you might get respect you might not. a single mind can change the world. you just have to believe in yourself. that you can make a difference. even if you do not, at least you might affect someone who does make a difference. you have people before you and after you. you are never truly alone and if it seems like that you are delusional. if you are alone it seems you can do whatever you want. at one point this will change. you will get punished for your freedoms. thus i believe after christ concioussness you get allah state of mind. to be a muslim requires a lot of discipline. i cannot say i am that. in some ways i am in some ways i am not. if you get to know someone your thoughts will turn ½ dimensional at first. love or hate. sad angry happy. if you get to know them more, you will get to know more sides to them. like a crystal. like a diamond. you can be by yourself but you have to understand, that you have to interact with people. trans people have gone through worse things than you can imagine. if you dress up as an animal or object you might get bullied for such. at some point this bullying, this "name-calling" gets too much. you never want to be called "human" again because you do not identify with people that destroy the world for their own gain. you are an animal soul. they will get their punishment. if you meet someone or an animal or an object and you identify with that whatever then you are that. you can change your path but you should not step out of line. at some point even your befores and afters will get tired of you. then what do you have to live for? the world is not what they say it is. but you still have to conform to some degree. everyone gets their share.