20 22 09 23 18 43

i have it easy. i have not been sexually tortured nor beaten to a pulp.

i am lucky.

i cannot say i am more or less lucky than others.

it is perspective.

i find it a waste to write "sofia" in mood. but maybe then............... i will never experience joy again.

seems pretty........... useless. without joy there is no life.

i lost my lifeforce. i met someone like my ex. i was lured. and i swallowed the bait.

worked 2 times. didnt work the third time.

i can eat a lot and i get a slight lifeforce back.

it depends on many factors. it is turning evening. darker. it is 18:36 just for fun huh.

as i mentioned.

"growing old

means accepting the loss

of one joy after the other"

i have to come to terms with that.

i am not a young adult. although you have all ages in you. you........... i dont know. comfort me tracey.

you will act bad or mean or respond if i do something right.

this right changes.

now i do not know it.

this armchair is too comfortable.

i mean it is not comfortable it is a mess.

it ruins the floor like a drill.

...........eventually there will be so many holes................

it does not always get better.

as you grow older you grow weaker.

it is like that with me.

i cannot say i can make my life better in any way from now on.

just.......... try to enlighten my spirit.

find life force.

it is only in myself.

as i touch my arm i cannot elicit any type of lifeforce in my arms.

or anywhere else on my body.

i gave it all for my ex. i died. over and over.

now i am............. quite dead.

this will not just pass.

it is not a phase.

it is reality.

i chased away the trolls. maybe.

trolls and fairies. cannot say i know the difference.

i wanted to make a new record called that. trolls and fairies.

i cannot really comprehend how i managed to make 18 songs on this new album.

...........thats a lot. scale driver and reverb.

thats about it.

.........trust yourself.

you are the only one you have really got.

the others are an illusion.

trust others too. you have to.

you can be bitter.

and if you want to punish someone then do that.

nothing is stopping you.

if you have the life force.