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On the subject of being cool


thank you. i guess my post will just be lost in the 12k other comments. but, anyway.. i only write for myself. if someone cares, great, i dont really care though.

ive been suicidal since i was 11. back then, i got my first bully, who was also a stalker. the first day, i was completely wrecked. and it went on for about 8 years. and i got more bullies, until it felt like 2/3 of my schoolclass was against me. it was mostly the gangsta type, and a few geeks. somewhere around 7-9:th grade, i also lost my 2 geek friends, of which one had been my bestie, since before i can remember. and still, no one to talk to.

i remember in fourth grade, i said in the diary you were supposed to write to your teacher, that "bullying shouldnt be allowed to exist", she made a checkmark, and that was it.

its amazing how little people care for eachother. they want you to be an alcoholic, just about everyone, though, including my family and their friends. but i wouldnt have it. but its like alcohol is this magical substance which makes all your worries go away. and yes, everyone hallucinates when theyre drunk enough. not many people talk about that.

or the fact that cigarettes (mostly unfiltered cigarillos, actually) have a lot of good effects on your psyche.

nowadays, i take snus. its like a cig, except, you put it under your lip, and a single one lasts about an hour. all that OCD i had before (yep, great thoughts, about once a week, on the lines of "kill yourself" or "kill others", for 8 hours straight), mainly caused by the psychiatric systems abuse, and forced neuroleptics, had made me that way - went away when i got nicotine.

something else not mentioned, when i was born, i was choleric for 8 months. what did my parents do? they bought choleric drops, when they couldnt stand me anymore! what was in it? some sick shit, including, yep, nicotinamide. it was still allowed back then.

so i was basically a sort of crackbaby, all my life, until i tried out nicotine, and figured out what i was lacking. i remember staying over at my besties place, and thinking it smelled so good. well, his mom smoked indoors.

like i hinted at, the psychiatric system is the worst abomination on earth. you wouldnt be where you are today, if you hadnt made it out yourself. neuroleptics stop the transmitting, just like painkillers. but just like painkillers who never really stop the pain, just block the sensory perception of it. so with neuroleptics youre stuck in a psychosis forever.

what the psychiatric system doesnt talk about, is the chance to get anxiety (i call it despair, or rather, catatonic epileptic despair with aggressive and suicidal tendencies). they do talk about that "anxiety isnt dangerous", just like getting unconcious isnt dangerous, or thinking that youre gonna die or kill yourself isnt dangerous, huh? they even go so far as saying "you might think youre going crazy" isnt dangerous either?

so what us the point of neuroleptics? they are based on the most flawed pseudo-science in history. a person can get an online diploma, then get the power to ruin someones entire life in seconds. i remember a particular woman, who was steered towards ADHD. shed say geniotic things like "how you walk shows that you have ADHD". so, i like walking a lot, is that a problem with you? am i supposed to walk "the normal" 5km/h, and 7km/h is an illness?

they really look for problems where there arent any. and if you ever find a side-effect, they say its your "illness", and either up the dosage (to make you forget your insight, or the fact that you went against them), or introduce yet another pill. everyone in the psychiatric system does drugs. its how they get "above" you. i know for a fact, that the people at my psychiatric housing, both take liquid amphetamine (hey, looks like coffee! they poisoned me with it once) or snort coke. that way, they get character like all hell. or rather, you cant win against them, no matter what.

whatever you say, will be used against you. but its not like "yes, i did that and that" and you get punished for it. its more like "i dont want these pills anymore!", and theyll answer, purely psychotic "then youll get the WORST pills that exist".

i have so many stories. have written about this a lot. it would be great to make videos like you. except, im cursed to not get fame nor fortune. i dont care though, i couldnt handle either of them.

anyway, im tired already. get that lot now. though, ive been off neuroleptics, and have largely ignored the psychiatric system, for half a year. whenever they have a "meeting" scheduled with me, i do the corona bluff. yep, i coughed once 3 days ago, now i need to quarantine for 2 weeks!

i see youve adopted a scarlet johansen look, its nice on you. though, your freckles are still visible beneath your makeup. women seem like another species all-together. if i could choose between 3 hours of putting on makeup, or 3 hours of doing paintings per day, well, its an easy choice.

oh, another thing. though ive been drug-positive all my life, that is, talked and read a lot about how wonderful it is. i mean, you never hear of the bad trips. or being addicted for a long time, and what it does to your looks or body. mr cobain is evidently the greatest musician on earth, and the most attractive too, but he was just a junkie.

the only thing ive really taken, is chocolate. now it doesnt work anymore. but before, i eventually realized, that was my main inspirational source. havent heard anyone talk about it. except, theres a synthetic drug derived from the active substance in it, which is killing a whole lot of people these days.

both chocolate, milk, wheat and sugar, feed a system similar to a certain drug. i didnt know that, until years later. maybe if i hadnt been given the absolutely lethal "pacifying" choleric drops, id been a normal human being now.

i have created a lot during the years (since when i started getting bullied, actually), but i never really enjoyed it. deep down, i just wanted someone to appretiate me for who i was. well, i did meet someone eventually. when i stopped photoshopping and music-making after a year of us together, she thought of me as "boring" though.

so i dont really believe in love anymore. maybe theres someone out there, but i dont care anymore. theres so much lies and deciet. and you never hear a guys side of the story. like, not having emotions or imagination.

but if ive been so creative, how could that be possible? well, im not transported to "another world" where everything is magical, and i make great things happen. it was just work, real hard work. and eventually, together with everything else, it ruined me.

now, being a taurus, my throat-charka is my strongest point. so i still write a lot. i dont get tired from it, can usually maintain 5 hours of flow. back in the days, that held true no matter the genre: an epic poem, a song, a photoshop, an essay, or what-have-you. making a record was much larger work though.

as for your bad trip, it wasnt that. ive heard of people hallucinating on it, that their whole family died, or the like. as for you though, it was a spirit calling you to stop with the drugs. maybe you talk about that later, have only gone through 3/4 of the video. but if you hadnt tripped so badly, would you still be in that place with junkies, and had been dead, or looked and acted horrifically, a few years down the line? as they say, "blessings in disguise".

its sick that people dont care. ive heard of others who have had traumatic experiences, and their mates just hand them a joint, a beer, a pill, or whatever. even just things like my mom, coming home devastated from work. all my dad did was pour up more and more liquor all the time. its pathetic.

i see you hesitated when you said you stopped with all hard drugs. so you still smoke and drink, right? though, any drug in high enough dosage, works just as a hard drug. and the worst thing is stopping, with the insane withdrawals, and even worse is coming back at the same dosage. most ODs happen that way.

for me, i cant even handle coffee or tea. i drank a lot of orange juice and milk. that was about it. never wanted to "grow up", but all that happened when i finally tested (legal) drugs, is i got angry. at first, i felt immortal. i mean, if you combine alcohol and cigarettes, its like nothing can phase you. you dont feel cold, you dont feel heat, you can have the fire alarm going on for hours, and you dont care.

except, when you stop, you realize how much youve missed. something as simple as a cool breeze to your chin. with drugs, you dont feel that. you dont feel anything.

something ive noticed, especially women. is that they adopt a decadent lifestyle, then just cover up their decaying body (mostly face) with more and more makeup. and these are women who on the outside, are wellness experts or the like. still, if you somehow manage to see their straight face, youd realize what junkies they are, even if they "only" take alcohol and cigarettes.

i do want to mention a trip i had (of the few i have had). as usual, real trips try to tell you things. that its either spirits, or the universe itself, communicating with you. or your own souls deepest wishes. which might not be much fun.

but in this trip, i got to know how my sister was like, before i was born. a whole lot of insights. also what i was like when i got born, and a little while afterwards.

although i did abhorr alcohol and still do, i got to see that i was cleaned shortly after going out of my mothers womb, with rubbing alcohol, or maybe pure 96% even. it was a high percentage in either case. so, since then, ive hated anything that has to do with it.

though, eventually, i was tricked. and wouldnt you know? i got suicidal out of my mind, and it never really stopped.

all from trauma since i was born. though, both me and my sis, my mom just plopped out. society wouldnt want me to be happy though.

ive had shit all my life, but still keep a good outlook on it. ive done a lot of good things, and a lot of bad. it seems ingrained in me, the concept of the yin/yang.

anyway, this was just a normal set of thoughts, i write like this each day. thanks for this. my main problem is my weight, although somehow ive never been called a fatty.

and i want to mention, if you did get hooked (rather, forced down your throat until you die) on neuroleptics, you wouldnt have been suicidal. this shifts though, so you have some good days. then you have days when you get more suicidal than ever before. except, its so debilitating, that you can barely get out of bed.

me, i still lived a semi-normal life. though, it was horrendous. one tiny thing could throw me off the edge. and id hurry back home, turn on music, and wait until it subsided. i had that for a long time.

when the natural psychosis, just passes in a few days or weeks. as an "expert" said, theres people in psychiatric institutions, who think its still "24 hour party people". its the neuroleptics making them this way. SSRIs in particular, have the magical ability, of increasing your serotonin by 10000 times. except, since nature strives for harmony, when you go down, you go down deeper than ever before.

the psychiatric system also stocks you full of shit. and as they love doing it, they inject you with it into your hip. for whatever reason they feel like. everyone gets that treatment. and you get even worse side-effects.

for me, personally, i before, needed a 1/1000:th of a milligram. or rather, take the pill, spit it out. and i was fine and dandy.

though, since i didnt use drugs from an early age, im not comfortable with the fifth dimension.

all these heavy alcoholics (mostly men), act like there isnt a bigger world out there. well, there is. all sci-fi, fantasy, videogames, movies, scientific research, all of it, are based on hallucinogenic visions.

it is possible to get visions without drugs, of any kind, without any sort of stimulantia. id recommend seeking out a natural water spring where you live. the first time i tried it, my entire system was purified. and zero side-effects. it is possible. though, it requires hard work. by working with yourself. and your faults. and your trauma. and understanding how society and everything works. then there is no pain or suffering anymore.

to the people who think doing drugs is something cool. well, no, looking good without effort is cool. being appretiated for who you truly are, is cool. living a long happy life is cool. getting your insight from pure thinking is cool. changing your character around, just because you feel like it, is cool. standing up against the status quo, is cool. going your own way is cool. being yourself is cool. having few friends is cool.

and finally, admitting youve done something wrong, is the coolest thing ever.