Eunuck

whats it like being a eunuck?

well
its like being a human
without being a human

how could you be alive
without thoughts?
without emotions?

now
if you like emotions
then the ultimate one
is pleasure
which is sex
which is orgasm

what if you break your neck
so you cant orgasm anymore?
then what?

in my teens
i remember stroking my cock
and when cumming
i got a small adrenaline rush
even the first time this happened
it was a tiny rush
almost not noticable
and that was it

i remember one woman i was with
the first time we had sex
after awhile
i seriously wondered if she had died
first she screamed incredible
then shook
then she just went quit for several minutes
she did have a huge grin on her face
but you know
love is weird
you can never predict it

now
since i cant cum
also
if a woman touches my cock
i dont even notice it
so even if someone would ride it
i wouldnt really care

but somehow
it was like this in the past as well?
maybe i fapped too much before
and got desensitized?
but as i remember the adrenaline rush
being the same all the time
(before that too disappearing in my 20s)
i do wonder

many women have asked me
as im trying to please them the best i can
while were both naked in bed

"am i like a black hole to you?"
but as ive been vagus moaning
i notice, stroking my cock
feels better than ever before
sometimes its soft but still big
sometimes it gets harder than
the metal feel i had before
both are equally enjoyable

but as i started vagus healing more
and probably... moaned too loud
i broke something
so for the last 2 weeks
i havent enjoyed anything
and i turned automagically
bitter towards women?

but yes
my main problem
is that i finally managed to quit dip
i did officially quit it last year
but after that i used simple paper pieces
on my gums, pure genious, could have 1 for days
costs nothing, and seemingly no side effects?
i couldnt been more wrong, since i was high 24/7
for so long, it eventually ruined my eyes
so i panic quit awhile ago
i guess eventually ill turn...
more normal than in my teens?
and everything will be alright?
i highly doubt it though

ive never really been afraid of anything
like i am now
i dont ever want to work out ever again
and of course the powers that be
at this housing
want this to happen

last fridays
i didnt even get breakfast before
i was to get my weekly shower
ok, i didnt care
i was still in a good mood

except, since everyones an addict
theyre hung in the morning
so i say a few happy things
really, wouldnt even hurt a fly
but wouldnt you know, quickly
i get interupted without being
able to say a few words

thats strange
so is joy not allowed anymore?
i didnt think loosh was that fucked up
of course, youre supposed to watch
reality shows, use the same joke
a 1000th time in a row, and if everyone
is on the same junkie level as you
theyll automagically laugh about it

i also noticed
when you ask people for help
theyll never actually say no
then you can ask them over and over again
did they care?
"i forgot"
they cannot say
"i do not care about you"
then you ask if theyll help you?
"im not sure ill remember it"

in some ways
i can blame myself
but that im not allowed to work out
because someone in power over me
flipped some switch
where ill turn vicious
but also everyone around me as well
whats the point then?

like teslas last words
"people dont want logic"
mine before were
"people dont want intelligence"
but really
people dont want anything
the only thing they want
is infinite more drugs
infinite more useless sex
"emotions" everyone
has turned into a woman
this day and age

and as for me
im not really interesting in porn
or masturbation
im interested in sex
but nobody cares about that
unless you fulfill certain parameters
that i could only reach twice in my life

i cannot under any circumstance
work out anymore
since then it could turn me into
being reset in time

i do not want this shitty food any longer

so what is there to live for?

remember an old comic

"i woke up
then that day
was ruined"

that was my life before
but i still longed for something more
now i just know
things will never get better
im not naive anymore

yeah
ive also quit computer games
whats the point of arbitrarily
increasing a parameter?
i got to know too much about loosh
and i got banned too many times

and ive seemingly met 3 people now
who just feed all my replies to them
into chatGPT
it sorta sounds nice
but like
it turns me off
if this happens to a higher percentage
ill just give up talking to people
they used to be this fake IRL
(and still are of course)
which is why i loved the internet
since people said things
of actual value
and the time they did not do this
i read and collected quotes
after this i started book projects
then art projects
then music projects
then i combined them all 3

im sure ill eventually get too fat
that i cant even use my laptop
without my stomache being in the way
no
its risable
and ive never judged myself
or anyone by appearance
like
why bother with something like that?

really
anyones ugly to themselves if they look
too close at their face in the mirror
instead
get a full size one
and check out yourself while naked
while having showered
while having nice clothes on
while masturbating
thus #nofap is good
but the opposite is good too