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good morning mr nonworld.

so i met this old friend of the family. målfrid. shes norwegian. as always with my luck people only want to talk a few minutes. i could make some fantasy about her but it doesnt matter. she sort of looks like the countess. but fatter. and her tits have more weight near the end. most amazing tits ever. like grapes? or watermelons? for real. but if youre in bed with a big titty babe what are you gonna do? you cant really do much with them. anyway, i didnt learn much of my history from her.

its all a hoax. and as ive only slept with 2 women ever, how does it matter? oh fantasies of my mom, great. its evidently really hot today, and the staff wondered if i wanted to go to the beach with them? i cant really handle anything though. when my body and mind still functioned as normal, i was in my room in front of the computer. and now my body and mind is wrecked, and what do i have to show for it?

some staff bothered me soon after i woke up. i talked a lot. she sort of didnt say anything. and like it is at this place theyre all in a rush all the time. its depressing. and then she says "id love to continue this conversation", and then it was over.

so, like i said, julia did get cursed. as for my world, what is wrong with everything?

i mean, i wondered in january, when i got healthy? why is everything the same? oh wait, bitchute stood out.

no, theres no such thing as "frequencies". if you do one thing then another they dont "overlap". you cant "affect reality", because whoever is in charge changes it however the fuck they want.

so. i noticed when i take a walk with the staff theyre sort of normal? when sara and i took that huge bikeride she pretty much wasnt mean at all.

but i cant handle that. my normal state of mind is calm. like i said, i dont have petabyte input flow. its barely 1 bit per second.

"i cannot live i cannot die".

so. yeah. if no one wants you you get desperate.

and if you get treated badly, you might get violent.

everyone seems to want to sleep with you but not.

so then you might try to rape someone to get it going.

but both julia and bella asked if theyre fannys felt like black holes?

so i figured it had to do with getting used to things?

not really. if i stroke myself my hand and dick feel warm all the time.

as for those, it quickly doesnt feel anything.

as for ida later on. when i got home it started.. sparkling around my butt?

i thought that was something good. it pretty much feels like youre getting fucked up the ass by an invisible huge cock.

thats not good. thats my dads manifestation. and it never goes beyond that.

then when i have 0 bad thought it goes away.

sigh.

so i figured not thinking badly was the ideal? but nothing changed anyway.

i figured it was like this forcefield.

but its worse. its inherent in the system.

and now when reality changes whatever.

i know its not a forcefield.

and im not really cursed?

its always been like this?

whats the big problem with getting kissed?

why dont i get that?

what happens in the universe or whatever then?

so. once long time ago. i surfed for porn like 5 hours. pathetic. its a dark video from a distance. and the skinny chick moans like my mom? great? then what? she had a site. jojojinx.com. shes basically a poetic pornstar.

i say something to her. she replies in glee, published it on her site. then i get paranoid and write my next reply under a different name. eternityinterface. i had been on slashdot in earlier years with that name. as i got more and more downmodded, i also got more angry.

you shouldnt mess with geeks. they fuck you up beyond belief.

so its about sexuality or something?

so i use the quote

"one should no more deplore homosexuality than lefthandedness"

and then i say "gay". and get downmodded and leave slashdot for years.

that guy didnt appretiate it. or his crew or whatever. i find im on some site called "trolltracker".

great. so they were biding their time. then i see jojo jinx reply. and the next day, her forum software is crashed.

i dunno what it used.

and i search online and its like TONS of forum sites. theyre all obliterated.

now you could say someone found a hack and wanted to feel powerful.

and that its all random and has nothing to do with anything.

you know what these sort of people are called? demons.¨

so some guy says how he does and goes to hell.

when hes there, he gets ripped apart.

and just like people everywhere.

the demons acted the same.

he tried to pray to god.

its like a colour of the world between black and grey.

and what do the demons say?

"there is no god"

so, id say atheists are demons.

thats it.

and modern society. the western world.

is just based on demonism.

again, this world is based on my parents and where i grew up?

nope. its based on delusional things my sister thought up.

and she can change anything on the fly.

so, i didnt recall "i want to have sex with seas" until yesterday.

but it doesnt matter. so i didnt masturbate about her?

and whenever i dont.

if i dont think sexually of them.

they dont think negatively of me.

and still like me.

why is this?

and in the middle of 2019. before i slept with julia again and before i met bella.

there were these 2 amazing latinas.

they both like me.

the first one, we were at a museum. got lost. got into some place which wasnt really open.

we get into an elevator. she has lots of makeup and i think "i cant kiss her because ill get lipstick on my lips and its embarassing".

later i realized, yes she did have a lot of makeup, but no lipstick.

she was just standing around wanting to be kissed. i did not do this.

before i blamed myself, but, really, its inherent in the system.

another latina. i had taken care of her. she wasnt that much less tall than me, but quite skinny. so she looked shorter than she was.

she was really frail when she came to fountain house.

as normal when i talk to someone for the first time, theres like.. sparkles?

i felt it as well too. its like ago since it felt like that.

so weve been talking for awhile. she all of a sudden says "CUMMMMMING SOON". yes, in english eventhough we were obviously talking in swedish.

so i figured she was like me. shy.

and if i masturbated at the place, it felt weird and everyone seemed to know and thought i was a creep.

anyway, id always felt shameful for masturbating.

even now, if i somehow worry about it, i feel horrible afterwards.

so, i just masturbated and came and that was it.

so i lost the shame.

but as usual. guys dont feel anything when they cum.

rather the opposite. its like were drained of energy.

a woman said in a poem back in the days

"and the craziest things

come up in your mind

when you cum

this is you

this is me

this is everyone"

no. she was a girl. she has no idea the difficulties of the guy.

so its said the female orgasm is the most powerful thing in the universe.

as for guys? theres no point.

if i get horny i forget everything else. find some porn, jack off.

think its like salvation. i have to do this!

then i cum, and i feel completely miserable.

i mean, its so predictable.

and each time you figure something will get better somehow?

nope. not in any way.

so. its 27 degrees celcius. it hasnt been this hot for awhile.

its not even midday yet.

so i noticed when i did different things, the weather changed?

so i thought i had "super powers" or whatever.

that i was a god?

its the opposite. im a serf. a slave.

and the powers that be simulate my reality however they see fit.

so. have written some. havent turned on the music yet.

and how does it matter?

if i mention the greys i get slightly paranoid.

if i continue, it gets weird.

images of people online turn exceedingly creepy.

like, they arent real?

they have this weird otherwordly look to them.

i guess theres horror movies like that.

like, their proportions are fucked up.

like theyre stuttery or something?

its fucked up.

again, i thought this was based on myself.

that i "affected" reality.

but its the other way around.

the reality something affects me.

if i question it, things change.

if i mention anything good, it gets changed.

again, i thought this was my fault?

but no, whatever i do.

it always gets worse.

and that latina.

she wasnt weak.

shed been an athlete and part of a gang.

and worked in the office.

so, i made her healthy.

were in some meeting, and shes no longer herself.

she uses those troll words, reptile words.

and those dont exist.

so i thought before they had good self confidence?

but as i remember that time.

i was lonely anxious and sad.

my voice was really whimpery.

i used the same sort of vocabulary all the time.

some choice powerwords.

but for everyone else, its the opposite?

they sound stronger and more assertive. and they dont look sad.

again, whats going on?

why is everything the opposite of me?

again, i dont really meet ugly people.

yes, when i had insane despair it was like i was in another world.

a paralel dimension.

and it switched fast.

the people were still there.

but everything was weird.

i didnt change the world.

i didnt come to a different place.

it wasnt a "paralel dimension".

the powers that be changed how people acted.

so, neuroleptics and "anxiety".

its the prime reason for them.

they might make some things better?

but they block so many signals.

so whatever you feel gets turned to anxiety.

and over time the sideeffects stack up.

so do the physical effects.

but as you get picked up by the psychiatric system.

just when you "turn different".

when your world changes.

when you get powerful.

no pain no suffering.

your sense increase.

until its like you have superpowers?

you acquire more and more powers.

again, i suppose this world really does exist?

and everyone that liked you before, immediatly turns towards you.

when i had this at home, in my bed. horrible things happened around.

yes, it was painful. like the ultimate pain and suffering.

but seeing other bad thins happen around? is the worst.

my parents never acknowledged this.

and as i noticed with julia and bella.

you somehow dont.. notice, it?

i asked both of them if they didnt have anxiety at all?

both answered the same, "i always have anxiety".

i mean, it seems so logical.

you feel horrible, but no one notices it?

everyone treats you badly.

or flirts intensively.

like youve come to both heaven and hell.

so, i talked lots about this.

made lots of poems. used big words.

well, its better than writing about sex.

or the sex ive never had with my mom.

like, i got more interested in music.

listened a lot. got more equipment.

my sisters guy likes hifi.

so i figured i should be like him.

so miss mom comes over to my place.

and there was a former dj that lived next door.

so i figure, i impress her.

its a lot of hard work.

no i cant really figure out.

how to find a fitting song to the next one.

so the beats per minute or overall mood.

or whatever doesnt change that much.

again, ill brag.

so at one point i was changing songs often.

like once per minute or so.

from cd, cassette, vinyl, mp3 player

and streaming.

if i did it correct, miss mom would dance some.

she might say "dont change songs so quickly".

and thats something else i remembered.

if i liked someone or was mad at them.

i didnt say it.

a single gaze or word could throw me off the edge.

miss mom said i was like a newborn kid.

she yelled once "YOU ARE OVERSENSITIVE".

sometimes when she talked about things from the past.

her overall story of things changed.

like, how some person acted.

so i ask her what she claimed before?

"i have never said that"

or she gets furious that i dared to make up that.

or threaten her or someone else with lies.

again, what is up with this?

so, fountain house.

i was in a better mood.

for once, i wasn the center of the world.

or rather, not a black hole.

the other latina, the one with makeup.

didnt seem like she ever was in a good mood.

like her and another latina, she had intense pain.

but, i started getting treated this way.

before i had pain.

so again, its inherent in the system.

and its not really based on anything.

its not mine or anyone elses fault.

its inherent in the system.

the book and movie was about people like this.

it seems most are?

except, everyone i meet is the opposite?

and it just gets worse and worse?

when was the world ever normal?

so, im in "the fifth dimension".

and i get more and more earache.

except, in there, pain doesnt exist.

great, i thought at first?

what happens if pain and suffering doesnt exist?

and your mind or body doesnt function correctly?

the reality changes.

at one point, cant remember the connection with things.

it seems one of the only words people used, was "bög".

now, it mostly means "a feminine man".

but since dad called me a synonym for that when i was 7.

it seemingly doesnt phase me.

and im not attracted to this, and this is good?

again, it seems like everyone automatically.

knows everything about you.

sees through you.

and i was in misery.

oh right. my flow disappeared.

right, so miss economy wants my apartment to be cleaned.

because the place is "miserable".

now, i hadnt thought that word a lot.

i hadnt said it to anyone.

id said it online in whatever place.

and they used the word against me.

same as i probably mentioned.

i hadnt cleaned my apartment for months.

i only wanted to use the mop.

its logical.

even if the mop turns somehow disgusting.

its just hot water and detergent.

it cleans the room.

the only reason for vacuum cleaners.

as i figured before. is to damage your back.

the handle is always too short.

and shortly after i bought a new vacuum cleaner.

its the same old story.

it just shoves the dust around.

and its a lot of sound.

again, ive ruined my ears since my teens.

since i was online all day.

i listened to music. too loud.

at one point when my sister lived at home.

she comes into my room.

asked to use my headphones?

she puts them on then off.

and exclaims

"youre going to ruin your hearing

at those levels".

ok, thats one of the few times.

she wasnt mean subversive sadistic etc.

she lived wall to wall.

but since i was 6 years?

no, even when i was 2 years?

she hasnt liked me?

or not liked the world?

what.. happened to her?

i was just 2.

and she as 8 then?

right. she had started school recently?

again, im not great with maths.

so she was in second grade?

what happened?

why did she change all of a sudden?

and since i was just 2 years old.

i had no conception of anything.

i was just 2 years old.

and then.. my world was forever changed.

forever ruined.

i do not "make shit up"

about this. i dont try to make someone be less or more.

its not "cosmic ballads" and its not made up shit

about someone i barely know who i obviously

havent had sex with.

and then last year. autumn?

the countess friend.

i guess i hadnt had a phone for awhile.

so i call her up, we talk some.

then she said that weird thing.

"you used to make so much art

music and poetry before.

why did you stop?"

i sort of didnt know what to say.

uhm, i wasnt put on this earth to amuse you?

and even if i did lots of creative expressions.

or not. how in the fuck would she know?

she says she doesnt know a lot about computers?

ok. if i did make a lot of art before.

how would she know?

and she didnt really express anything.

when i showed her a lot of my poetry collections

and art books.

she just browsed through them quickly.

not a word. no expression on her face.

so, i got pissed off at this.

i was happy then.

i was free.

i wasnt miserable in any way.

i wasnt really mad at anything or anyone.

and thats another thing.

in school the bullies had their way with me.

the psychologist asked me about this.

"when were they mean to you?"

thats right. when my 2 geek friends werent near.

just like not doing anything in school.

except the last term.

and acting like angels.

this is how the complete society.

and everything in it is built up.

so that latina. that sweetheart.

she was herself.

i inspired her to do art and poetry.

and then something changes.

she gets corrupted.

she only uses a choice power words.

and........ WHAT?

like i didnt manage to say.

so that other latina was in pain?

ok.

and people automatically got hostile to her?

ok. when she just started at fountain house.

people were on her level.

they accomodated her.

she asked if she could listen

to the radio when she worked on

office assignments?

no problem.

but this is just to trick you in.

fountain house is just a reflection of society.

its neither better or worse.

most people who are there.

dont get paid.

but they learn what an office environment.

or a restaurant.

or a radio show.

how they all work.

and its corrupt beyond belief.

now, again, i dont mean this is negative.

like, when i finally got banned

from fountain house and radio totalnormal.

i figured theyd call me a creep?

a deviant? fucked up in the head?

but as ive whined about, normal people dont do that.

you have to be in a relationship with someone for awhile.

and really really fuck up.

and then theyll yell at you profousely.

and use a choice insult or two.

so your personality gets set in stone.

one of those words on deviantart, between 2004 and 2005.

now, like id noticed. anyway.

before 2002, i didnt really say anything.

i might have had my improvised essays.

that i said to my parents.

about things ive thought about.

about some theory.

or whatever.

except, before this.

i was dumb.

like i said to dad

"death is the worst thing ever right?"

no. he replied

"death is a release, freedom".

anyway, i then realized.

my parents only said a choice

few words about the world

and people and how things worked.

and automatically, i evolved

in my mind. and turned to an adult?

somehow.

queue after the suicide attempt.

i got to the psychiatric systems

housing. now its not in a hospital.

but its not free either.

when i lived in southern sweden.

or in a close municipality.

i was so lonely.

i reaally couldnt handle it.

at one point, i had argumented

with my parents at their place a lot.

so i go to my place.

but instead go into the restaurant.

some pizza parlour.

the mood i realised later.

was real weird.

like fucked up things happened there.

of what ive now learned the world is about.

and is only about.

and is the only thing which really exists.

and has only existed.

again.

sex and drugs and rock and roll.

seemed like this great thing.

oh. and death. and lies.

and perpetuating an image.

so, before 2002 i couldnt really express anything.

again, this is what school is about.

they give you a bunch of rules about everything.

all of society is like this.

if its about "creativity" its either automatic.

think instagram filters.

or youre given so many rules.

you cant really create at all.

or it just turns to a carbon copy.

this is the basis of our world.

of our society.

of human society.

and it wont change.

and it cant change.

and its just how humans work.

and there isnt a better world out there.

you cant "fight the power".

when its inherent in the universe.

and as for higher dimensions?

again, i didnt try this.

i didnt get anything.

i didnt like drinking beer

at parties and get togethers

with my parents.

and luckely, no one really tried to get me into it.

ok. something fucked up.

but its not really related to my mom.

but more my sis.

now, ive never really seen or talked to or whatever.

with my sis. i didnt know anything about her recently.

then i started thinking about choice words.

that ive heard about her or my parents have said.

one of these, is that my dad worked in a paper mill.

ok? why? because my mom didnt want him to work

in his uncles basement?

no. my sister made this up.

my sister want her own room.

and living in a small apartment just wouldnt do.

she was just a few years old.

and somehow she knew everything already?

she was a demon child.

and.... again, how did this happen?

did my dad not drink that much back then?

ive heard stories about that.

and divergent things.

dad was evidently fit when he met my mom.

he didnt smoke or drink.

he as just a loser who didnt really get anything about life.

like me. like before i tried smoking and drinking

and all of that.

either reality is just as bad or good.

there is no reason for anything. quote.

"all you need in life is ignorance and confidence, then success is sure".

so, "ignorance is bliss".

and this is bad, because wellness says.

youre supposed to get enlightened?

youre supposed to be less selfish?

youre supposed to think of others? be emphatic?

youre supposed to give gifts to others?

again, i thought bella and i had something in common.

but as ive noticed, people cater their personaity to you.

they dont like or dislike you.

its just how society works.

its inherent in the system.

things dont get better if youre enlightened.

things dont get better if youre high drunk smoking whatever.

i mean, it seemingly makes sense.

the world is boring, so you try to change that.

if youre in love, things seem amazing.

as for me, i ignored whoever liked me or i liked.

and made art about it.

again, i thought it was my fault.

i blamed myself.

again, like the first time i masturbated when i was 7.

i thought "im the only one in the world that does this.

again, when i was so disgusting.

my room was disgusting.

i barely showered.

i popped pimples. scratched my ass.

i had parasitic worms.

and i had nosebleeds or just a lot of gunk in my nose.

i farted a lot.

and i picked my nose and ate it.

i felt really gross.

i also, since soon after getting bullied.

i didnt want nor bought any clothes.

for like.. 15 years?

what was the point of being attractive?

when no one obviously was attracted to me?

again, when i was poor i figured i should sue the school.

i looked it up, and, no.

youre supposed to get treated badly constantly.

and they didnt do that.

they made choice attacks, when no adult was around.

and my geek friends werent.

and sometimes when no one else was either.

again, this is inherent in the system.

and its beyond fucked up.

and im happy i didnt get born into a mafia family.

im not sure what id turned into then.

but then again, knifesouth isnt this cute thing.

they have morals and standards.

and if you act wrong as a kid.

you get punished.

and you somehow have to realise this yourself?

that youre a bad person?

and they fucked you up?

but.. everyone is a bad person?

so there really are not morals or standards.

all that exists is private and outside.

the personality you show to the world.

and the one you truly are inside.




as for xhyljeta saying im the only one?

......great? what does this give me?

shes one of the few which seemed like

she could change.

like, she acted like everyone else

the first time we worked together.

so we are working on whatever

at the computer.

and she tells me what to do or something.

and she begins that trollspeak.

"bra det var bra jättebra. jättebra"

now, i figured i should fight back.

give her a lesson?

so she has long eyebrows.

so i say "jättebryn"

so doesnt care, or gets insulted.

i say it a few more times.

and then she gets it?

her mode of speaking changes?

but it didnt.

i get to know from someone else

who works there.

that she still talked like this behind my back?

again, i wonder why?

what sort of world is this?

so. i have red hair.

if i grow it out too long.

i dont look masculine.

women seem attracted to me if i have short hair.

but again, this doesnt matter.

because i dont get into a relationship anyway.

great artists speak of this.

about the torment of existance.

science says the same thing.

"there is no meaning and life is a mistake".

so, if, like elon musk

or the matrix or whatever.

i somehow break out of this world?

........then what?

as i early on learned about music.

is that you work a lot on an album.

you then show it to a record company.

or you tour by yourself.

or with some bandmates.

and you have some friends.

and they mostly attend

your shows?

and you gain a following?

things start happening?

the band somehow makes money?

you can quit your normal jobs.

and you get a record deal.

great, now what?

youre supposed to make

5 records in 10 years.

you get free studio time

and free equipment

and free musicians.

except, this is all a loan.

you tour excessively.

like 300 days in a year.

you go to amazing countries everywhere.

except, you realize, every place looks the same.

its just a hotel chain.

and its the same fast food restaurants.

and your fans act about the same.

again, it is inherent in the system.

and finally i realized nothing is my fault?

i am not jesus. i am not a prophet.

i am not special. i am mostly a freak.

i get angry at people. i yell at them.

i always lose. someone seems to like me?

i dont make art about them anymore.

they never ever cared about it.

they just look at me or the art or whatever.

with a completely blank stare?

what the fuck is up with this?

they dont say that its bad.

but they dont say its good either.

its just.. does the art even exist for them?

does it make them feel anything?

make them see the world in a new way?

makes them realise things about the world?

no. if you go down the drug route.

youll realise things. you wont mention them.

you just understand everything.

(some staff went past my door at high speed,

supposedly talking on the phone

and it just happened to be,

that she just happend to say

"yes exactly" "ja precis")

these little messages.

i didnt get them before.

like things that happened a long time before.

i finally realised what they meant.

what people mean when they say things.

so. i was lonely. it was in the 90s.

i make photoshop art?

great. now what?

my mom comes into my room.

i dont have any other seating place.

she sits on my bed.

now, i wasnt taking care of my hygiene

or the overall wellbeing of my room.

so she sits on my bed.

and says "din säng är så skön"

"your bed is so comfortable".

except "skön" is this old word.

it before meant "beautiful"

"skönmålad" means

"to make someone seem

better than who they were".

so, no, there is no freedom.

and there is no happiness.

there is no free will.

and theres really nothing

you can do to change anything.

you cant change people.

and as ive noticed.

even if you yell them out profousely.

you break them apart.

after 1-3 days.

they are themselves again.

that 3 day rule goes for a lot.

so, its a cold ruthless meaningless world.

and, no, there is nothing else.

no one appretiates you for who you are.

or what you do.

no one appretiates honesty.

no one really appretiates music.

and music is just an escape.

from a world without beautiful sounds.

and you realise that birdsong is a lie as well.

and its beyond that.

as the norse creation mythology says.

there were 2 crows.

hugin and munin.

they spied on people.

then told the gods about them.

and the people got punished or something.

it was true. it wasnt really like that.

like the conspiract theory says.

birds arent real.

they are actually surviellance equipment.

audio and sound.

they pick up everything.

if youre in the forest

and it sounds beautiful.

its not beautiful.

they pick up on your thoughts

and actions

and if youre stupid enough to

talk to trees or whatever.

then they say what youre about.

the more birds and sorts of them.

the worse.

no,

"art is in truth a metaphysical

extension of nature

placed alongside it for its conquest"

art doesnt exist.

i figured everything was beautiful before.

everyone is an artist.

no, its not like that.

dad used to say randomly

at the kitchen table he said

"artists are those who havent

gotten out of the sandbox yet"

and when youre young.

youre supposed to have colourful clothes.

as you get older.

the more muted they become

until youre an "adult"

and you dress in black and thats it.

black looks good and serious

and attractive and you also

look thinner.

and im wondering, what?

if were all gonna look the same.

why have clothes at all?

why put up this show?

and pretend like theres a meaning

to our sex organs beyond

becoming a parent?

ok. i realise now.

i am finally depressed.

as they say, being a realist

or a pessimist doesnt matter.

ok, i had my family before.

that is, my mom and dad.

they werent perfect.

but they took care of me.

ignorance is bliss.

i am not ignorant anymore.

and im not blissfull.

im not a mad wordologist anymore.

im logical.

i somehow keep on topic.

i dont "change 100 times per minute"

before i figured.

if bella said something sweet to me.

and someone else in close time to it.

did as well, they were trying to copy her?

steal her away from me?

and because ive acted badly before,

i deserved this?

so, tracey is seemingly gone

("no i am still here)

but my innocence is gone.

i am no longer a virgin.

im almost 40.

and the prophecy will turn true.

i will die.

but you dont abhoor someone

and kill them.

its not how it works.

if the soul somehow exists.

it gets freed.

you get into a new body eventually.

after youve either been to hell

or the purgatory.

and cleansed your sins.

your guilt.

your karmik debt.

yes, there are good things

and bad things you can do.

which increases a counter.

and eventually, justice is served.

either on a higher plane of existance.

or you rebirth as a simpler creature.

in another place.

if there are other worlds?

great.

but since everything has sentience.

how does this matter?

other creatures have societies.

they seem to be stupid.

and we can control

or kill them or breed them

to act a certain way.

but like someone said on

slashdot before i quit it.

"how would you know

if cats arent an

invasive species?"

and if there is a world out there?

beyond the sky?

and the world on earth isnt

a simulation by dinosaurs

who went to the moon

which was then a second sun

and put a dyson sphere around it

so they got a lot of energy

and then could emulate an entire universe

and it seems perfect down to the smallest

atom of quark or superstring or vortex

and down to the smallest unit of time

the planck constant.

but if we measure a socities evolution.

from 0 to 10. we are only at 0.7.

again, this is a lie.

nothing ever changes.

how could it?

there is no meaning to anything.

so how could you change nothingness?

if you take from a hole it gets bigger.

ok, its a lot of difference from

"being depressed" and being traumatized.

still, i found a new song.

some people between 2 rappers.

one of the guys says hes depressed.

the other guy says as well.

that was some days ago.

one is a tough guy.

the other is older.

whoever controls my world partly.

wanted to say something.

it is said humans are a lonely species.

but maybe that only goes for the white man?

at the same time, i again saw that trevor noah

interview with bill gates.

bill might control the world

and ruin it and enslave and poison its people.

again, you could ask yourself if he is real.

he seems really uncomfortable to be on

camera or talking to anyone.

his facial expression and body language tells

the true story of what hes talking about.

but hes been this way since the 90s.

the 80s.

he talks about how great he is.

then quickly changes to making a fool of himself.

so, i figured the meaning of life should be empathy?

that you should understand everything?

and........ then you become one with the all?

no, its not like that.

theres nothing to understand.

nowadays, bill gates behaviour has changed.

to instead being successfull and corrupt.

to one moment saying he will change the world.

to the next saying he will destroy it.

its all out in the open.

its there. in the body language.

and sometimes you dont even need that.

he can say "theyll notice the next pandemic"

and grin, and his wife which sits next to him

enjoys it as well. not much later he looks

serious.

ok? what is going on here?

hes grown old.

he no longer looks emaciated.

he just looks ugly.

quite overweight

with all the fat in the wrong places.

so, bill gates is like me?

hes spoiled and doesnt understand

anything about the world

he has a special interest

which he thinks makes him so special?

he does not act like normal people.

he doesnt like sex and drugs and rock and roll.

hes a geek. he might have some life meaning.

something in there which is good about him.

i havent found it out.

but im exactly the same.

and this is how other people

the internet

stockholm

sweden

artists

musicians

places ive been to

like the commute

fountain house

dynamo

restaurants

cafés

you only think the world is beautiful.

if youre disgusting.

you only think people are goodhearted.

if everyone treats you badly.

you only think theres a meaning to love.

if you dont get laid.

you only think theres a meaning to existance.

if youre a raving lunatic.

so, i for some reason had another tab open

https://www.fountainhouse.se

i looked at recent pictures on their facebook.

theyre either taken with a new camera.

or the old one. and edited well.

theres no mood enhancing colour.

but they look good.

good contrast.

for some reason though.

they look dead.

lifeless.

it seems a bunch of photos

were added in june 2022.

i figured this was good?

since i met bella

the multimedia part of fountain

house sort of disappeared?

and when i made "mistakes"

i got the russian method

remove everything good about them

that theyve contributed

to the communist party

erase them from the history books

talk behind their backs

turn people against them

they will either wither away by themselves

try to kill themselves in some gruesome way

or try to kill or rape others

..........turn into a monster.

and its not because you acted badly.

its not because you are a monster.

because everyone is a monster.

everyone is a demon.

a demon on the inside.

and they give the impression

of innocence and normalcy

and not taking any drugs

and being a virgin

and not treating anyone badly

under any circumstance.

but this is all a lie

its inherent in the system

and it seems.

in the very universal laws.

there is for real

sin and grace.

some things are good.

some things are bad.

sometimes you realise what

youre doing

or saying

or walking to

or where you are

or what youre thinking

is wrong.

it doesnt resonate with your being

but you do it anyway

you want to be someone

you want recognition

you copy someone else

it doesnt have to be someone you like

this happened in the end of the 90s

i had found an artist called

misery in motion

he was like me

or he was just the sign of the times

he changes his name to deaddreamer after awhile

his shorthand was ddr

Deutsche Demokratische Republik

because of him.

i sort of realised there was a bigger world out there?

i couldnt copy him though.

he was beyond me.

and he made strange art from another world.

it was technology and women and piercings

and blood and..

this is where it started.

maybe?

you cant really talk to people about anything

thats not what its about

you give them something

they give you something

the economy

cause and effect

but it doesnt actually exist

there exists truth and lies

but if you perpetuate the lie

everyone will think its reality

and their reality will literally

change before their eyes

the truth is more problematic

you cant easily express it to others

its individual

you interpret the world

with your body

your mind

your senses

your memory

so, again, the image from fountain house

i wasnt with them then that day

i dont remember when its from

so, people look happy? maybe?

genuinely happy?

the image does look incredible

its people from all walks of life

they werent cherry picked

to represent a demographic

to prove to the world

that the company is openminded

this is from a lost legacy

i know about or them a lot

ive interacted with them

talked to them

made them laugh, maybe?

made them annoyed?

i know what theyre like

theyre professional

they might not have been

some get payed to work there

some do not

neither is better than the other

these people just happened to be

at fountain house that day

that particular time

so, i worked on the homepage some

we payed for a new design

it was still quite cumbersome

but i learned it somehow

then we had this idea

that people should

tell their life story

i didnt come up with it

i did try to make more people

tell their story

so theyd lose their traumas

and inspire others

make something beautiful of the world.

with your talents?

because everyone has their inherent talent.

everyone is creative.

and everyone is beautiful.

this is not how the world works though.

no one actually thinks this.

they dont want to improve the world.

which is impossible.

the world is how it is.

and youre apart of it.

you cant change it.

because you act a certain way

because the world is that.

again, i tried talking like

this to people before.

did i talk like this to my best friend?

......i dont really know?

i cant remember us talking

about anything at all. ever.

if i was ever lonely.

if i missed him.

if it was boring.

id call him.

and wed do something.

the problem was.

there was a third party involved in this.

except my family.

this reminds me.

ive had these thoughts before.

but, i didnt get how things work.

you are not supposed to be yourself.

you are not supposed to be appretiated.

so, im a legend? what does this give me?

the guy who said it, didnt express anything

beyond that. it surely means in

both good and bad ways.

it seems impossible it could ever be

any other way.

so, bella comes into the chat.

or weve been talking for awhile.

and she expresses pain in how

everything is useless

theres just suffering in the world

and those sort of things.

i either tried to say

that only the massmedia

puts up an image of this

to make you think everything is futile

but like art

they express a concoction of the world

it is not good

it is not bad

it just is

or i tried to make her happy?

i mean, thats the point of life right?

draw pretty little trees?

life is world of grey beige black muted pastel colours

everything and everyone is the same

and nothing ever happens

and you cant really relate to anyone

it is futile

and the more you try to escape

the worst it gets

if you try to fight back

they gang up on you

if you tell them theyre a liar

theyll rip your character apart

again, great artists speak things like me

great thinkers

i could pretend im a woman

and say this is sofia talking now?

but, so what?

ok

hi

my name is sofia

im a thinker

im a philosopher

its in my name

philo sofia

really, whatever you say

whatever you do

wherever you are

people will pick you apart

if youre good at something

you do that

and maybe someday

someone will appretiate you for it?

but thats not the point

you have a passion

you have innate talent

you have a burning desire

you want to make an impression

or you just want to do that

against all odds

for me, i didnt have this

i was just a kid

i was 2 years old

and for some reason

i pissed off my sister greatly

i realise now

its not my fault

it cant be

i was a kid

what happend then?

when i was 2?

and sara was 6 years older?

was it something at school?

something that happened?

a teacher?

a pupil?

some relative?

my mom or dad?

again, i know nothing about my sister

i have seen some old photos

just a few

and heard a few chosen words

alright....... she was a tomboy

she was a masculine woman

she wore males clothes

and it was in the 80s

and the overall style

of things were silly

but you only see

that in hindsight

weird

im no longer inspired

id cooked some rise

and somehow

it didnt taste disgusting?

i put some salt on

and it didnt just taste salt?

the cold tapwater doesnt taste a lot

but i poured hot tapwater in

and some salt

and it didnt taste disgusting?

it tasted like some sort of soup?

now, not a lot of flavours

but then again, not disgusting either

the thing is, i could try to eat healthily

but im older now

i didnt eat healthy before

and i didnt exercise a lot or at all

but i was in my teens and 20s

and your body is in better shape then

so, people have called me lambchop

i figured that was a cute compliment

but like everything, theres hidden meanings

theres really no such thing as definitions

of words. even if you have an offical narrative

people will see through it. the overarching story.

the real intention. the intention isnt to respent

something that has happened. which is impossible.

because people interpret events differently.

thats the story of love.

people come together. 2 of them.

this is called a conspiracy.

when 2 people agree on something.

like theyll stay together.

that theyll take care of eachother.

hi, my name is sofia.

i am depressed.

i dont need anyone.

because need is a monster.

need is a desire.

and you cant want to have something

which doesnt exist.

our thoughts doesnt exist.

the world doesnt exist.

animals dont exist.

words dont exist.

pleasure doesnt exist.

and even if it does.

youll get equal parts pain.

if you interpret signals

of neither pain nor enjoyment.

hi, my name is sofia.

i am depressed.

depression isnt an illness.

its not something you treat

with a like on facebook.

or clicking a button

and automatically

having someone always on your side.

which doesnt make you depressed anymore.

depression is chronic.

because depression is inherent in the system.

anything apart from sadness is a lie.

because the lie goes that it somehow gets better?

this is impossible.

life is a mistake and has no meaning.

if you search for meaning somehow

youll never find it.

if you walk in the forest.

youll see more forest.

thats all there is to it.

if you talk to people

people talk to you.

but it doesnt change them

and it doesnt change you

there is no soul

because it never changes

like your character

like your true inside

like your emotional input and output

like your body language

like how you speak

how you blink with your eyes

how you cry if you do that

or if not how your face

deforms so others will notice

that somethings wrong with you

they will never try to make it better

because that is not the aim of existance

what is the aim?

i.. draw a blank there. i do not know.

something happened when i was 2 years old.

to my sister.

but i also know what she was like

before i was born.

ive always had these sort of thoughts.

i think? somehow?

if i had a mind all the time?

i........ dont remember being a choleric

i have gotten visions what it was like

when i was born

i could try to get more

but drugs are sneaky

like demons

you never know how theyre gonna act or react

like a spirit

like a wish from a djinn

like walking in the forest

and finding a supernatural being

do you run?

or do you get enchanted?

does the being kill you?

does it eat your soul?

do you kill it somehow?

do you find this amazing world?

like spoken of in fairytales?

do you want to make mushroom soup?

do you go into the forest?

and you find this large circle of mushrooms

and it seems aluring

something inside you yells "no!"

but the demon whispers

"theres only love, you are eternal

there is no right and wrong

whatever you do always turns out

for the better in the world.

like any story. it ends happily.

it starts with a protagonist.

who is just someone normal"

hi. a thinker was right.

it is mans ultimate mission

to become what he really is.

hi. i am sofia. i am a woman.

i am a thinker. because i am alone.

i have no aspirations for life.

for existance. i have tried many

many lives. many fates. i have

tried to win the hearts of men

and women. i have tried to become

someone. i have tried to hide who

i am. who others are.

i tried to say i was treated badly.

i heard that i should hit back.

i got a digital hug.

and that was all. it seemed futile.

and as it happens to be.

evolution doesnt happen over time.

over generations. it is instanteous.

i just realized how hot it is.

i have both the window and the door open.

it is 27 degrees celcius.

its nearly a completely blue sky.

i am the world and the world is me.

it doesnt make me better or worse than anyone.

it might be possible to change the world

this is not a strange oriental concept.

everything isnt normal afterwards.

you make an impression.

it might be impossible to do only good.

or only bad. i do not know. i am not a god.

hi. i am sofia.

i did not create this world.

i might have made great art before.

it might have been from a lost world.

or someone inside me who sees things different.

i do now know who this spirit or animal

or spirit animal is.

i realise one should not strive to be an animal.

because animals are beasts and they are primitive.

they do not recognize themselves in the mirror.

they think it is a threat.

because they live in a world of death and fear.

they do not realise when they fly into a window.

that the window is there. it cannot be.

the world is as it always have been.

and that is all. windows cannot exist.

there cannot be passages to other worlds.

these passages cannot be shielded

through an invisible force.

like a forcefield.

like a tractor beam.

which pulls you in a direction.

as if there is a manequin.

maybe dieties do not exist.

i have met and talked to a pink cloud once.

that does not really tell me anything.

and i do not remember anything about our conversation.

i now realize, no one truly wants you dead either.

because, what would be the point of that?

if someone doesnt like you, theyll point that out?

if it is a major flaw, they might make great changes.

like being an outcast. the first sickness is depression.

there can be no other way. deep pression. deep pressure.

going undersea. i now automagically feel real thin.

as if i was tall dark and handsome.

with a beautiful hairdo.

and a gorgeous wardrobe.

so, everything isnt a lie.

to explain it in any other way.

my mind draws a blank.

how do you negate negation?

what do you add to what is full?

how do you turn a monster into a guardian?

i now understand great artists.

great thinkers.

great musicians.

and so on.

you dont just "discover" them.

they arent in the papers.

you dont hear their names on the streets.

they are not in your library or anywhere else.

they are at home, wherever home is.

because heart is where the home is.

and your home is your heart.

my home is bella because she is my heart.

she is my everything. thats all there is to it.

if i have a heart i do not know.

if i have a soul i do not know.

if my karma account is in negative

or positive values and if so to

what degree does it fluctuate?

does karma include 2 independent of eachother values?

one for good deeds?

one for bad?

is karma lady justice?

who is lady justice?

someone walked past my door, panting.

this doesnt matter.

she did not phase me.

but something has changed.

which is what happens.

you do something.

you think something.

and so on.

and things change.

it is inherent in the system.

it is call the 2 dimensional plane.

i am not a planeswalker.

i do not party.

i am not a rockstar.

i do not like the city.

i do not like nature.

i do not like the sea nor the horizon.

i can talk to animals and trees.

but i do not see the point of it.

they are like humans.

they want something from you.

and since our existance is futile

you cannot give the manything

and they cannot give you anything either

i thought i could make music

i cannot

having no inherent talents is dangerous

being yourself is dangerous

having emphatic parents is dangerous

having wealth is dangerous

because then you dont strive for anything

i cannot

i cannot..... really relate to anything.

i do not know if anyone else can.

i got obliterated.

because i tried to destroy a world.

and make a better one.

maybe that is possible?

does the fifth dimension exist?

does even the fourth dimension exist?

and if it does, and the fourht is time?

does time exist?

for time is merely the movement of particles.

when the movement stop.

you both feel alive and dead.

when the movement gets real low.

strange things start to happen.

reality dissolves.

this is called quantom theory.

i have no aspirations to be

appretiated for writing this.

because thats the

worst flaw in the system.

if you have enough deficiencies

youll make do with nothing

this is not a problem

do i talk like a

woman from the 1800s?

is this who i was before?

why do i not use shorthand anymore?

where did my slang go?

this language which i cannot understand?

because i cannot understand somewhere

i do not live. i do not have the powers

of manifestation. i do not have emotions.

i do not have imagination.

i have no inherent talents and beyond such.

i am old. i am tired.

i am old in a new world.

i am tired of being tired of being tired.

i am not depressed for being depressed.

i am not proud of being depressed.

the depression doesnt affect me.

because it is me.

i have only eaten some rise with salt today.

i had some stale coffee over from yesterday.

but my headache passed when i slept.

so did also eventually my loathing

for a world which is in the imagination

of the creator if there is one.

i will go to the nearest town.

i do not know where it is.

i do not know where i am

i do not know the time

i cannot tell between left and right.

i am who i have always been.

i hope i am not copying

a book that exists and this is futile.

it sounds quite british?

someone walked past.

her shoes hit whatever exist below them

they made a sound.

again, people do not say what they mean.

it is impossible.

for we all live in different worlds.

this does not make us special.

that i live in a different world

which i do not do and i tried

to express this world to others

and of other worlds which i too

know as little of was and is futile.

everything that exist can be easily

expressed to everyone instantly

no matter what. no inherent talent

or ability or language or communication

or technology or item is needed.

i am thankful i can write at this fervency.

i do not like reading others works.

i do like looking at others paintings.

i do like listening to others music.

it does not matter the genre

and wether i appretiate them or their

creative expression somehow.

i am not communicating to

everyone or anyone though

at some time something changed.

and people knew things about me.

i do not know the mechanics of this.

writing is flawed. i come up with 2

thoughts in quick succession.

then it branches again and yet again.

i have seen reality change before

my very eyes. i did not drink

nor eat nor do anything of any

particularity at all to achieve this state.

it could point to that life is a lie.

and if you find the truth

everything will be better?

but as with my problem with writing.

i do not think it ever gets better.

i see this often.

every day.

it is like a puzzle with a thousand pieces.

i do not enjoy laying puzzles.

i do not enjoy many things.

i tried to enjoy things.

i eventually tried to love.

i managed this through a series of events

and people i pretended to understand

or impress or change.

these are the countess

and a woman from far north.

the countess is not like others.

she does not speak their language.

her words are neither ancient nor modern.

though she comes from a diverging age.

she does not belong to it.

she neither belongs to her family.

she did not succeed.

and when having lied about

her heavily before

and getting shamed for such.

i am quite sure she lies a lot as well.

i do not know how people act towards eachother.

in comparison to how they act towards me.

even the process of acting differently

towards their fellow men when i am near

could be an act in itself.

it is not the object of an artist

to be appretiated.

that is only the object of a clown.

of a spoiled cat. of a spoiled brat.

of a bored dog. of a gorilla.

it is in the top heat of the day.

when the sun is most high.

though the sun does not actually exist.

one can not go around claiming one

knows things and recieve appretiation for it.

because everyone knows things.

it is a prerequisite for doing things.

you do exist because you think.

but existance appeared before thought.

maybe calmness of mind is to strive for?

i do not know. i am inherently calm.

i do not have many thoughts or words

or concepts or colours or other things

i cannot really grasp in my mind.

i see the representation of some sort

of existance before me. it does not

shift a lot. since i do not have

neither imagination nor emotions

these things do not change because

they are not inherent in my reality.

i thought there were a

particularity to people

and since my second artform

was the written tongue

it is where i excel.

if i excel i do not know.

some people appretiate me.

some people do not.

some cats appretiate me.

some do not.

some cats appretiate me sometimes.

sometimes they do not.

they do not shift like humans

but i have not taken my chances.

i have not tried to be catlike

nor understand them nor imitate them.

it do not have to. others have said i am.

a catbeing. a cat even said so.

this creature is bella.

you might have met her.

it means beautiful in italian.

and im sure many more details in that language.

i do not speak it though, so i cannot tell of so.

bella is many things.

i can relate to several phenomena through actions

over time and people and places and such

which led me to meet her.

it is quite intricate and i would be lost on one

of the trails. i do have done manifestations of her.

but i am her. i do not know if she is me.

i am not the library of congress nor alexandria.

i might seem to know things but i do not.

this is impossible for i do not have a strong

sense of memory. i have intution. but such

is said of women. while men have

aggressiveness instead.

women get a sense of what is going on.

men get a sense when something

is wrong and do something about it.

i do not know their inherent differences.

i do not know the length of this message.

i cannot relate to such things.

i thought i was good at maths.

i am not.

i thought i was a man and that i

needed to do something about the world

this is wrong on many levels

if the world is wrong is it my fault?

if it is my fault why did it happen?

is fighting your shadow a good idea?

is creating new personalities something

to strive for? to be a countess?

with several hard to express understand

and names middle names and last names

and nicknames? or even a douchess?

i do remember looking up the differences

between the 2 words. as i did meet

the countess first and i thought

she was the ultimate i made a higher

diety after her. then i met someone

better and worse yet again.

i had already met her before.

she is a large portion of my life.

this part is called my economy.

like many concepts i do not understand this.

if you have money you spend it and you

get less depressed and you eat a plethora

of different foods and it somehow gets better?

as has been mentioned since i did fall into

this bottomless pit called reality for

one of countless time it does not.

my mind seems to be tugging at the edges.

i did mention i have only eaten one sort

of food and it is not an advanced one

from my perspective but what do i know.

i do not live in the woods the mountains

the seas or anything of any particularity

from what i know of. i am told i am from

a different world. i cannot grasp that

concept as i cannot grasp the one i am

in now which must be the only one.

though i have practiced most on

the 2 dimensional graphical artstyle

it is not my forte. and even if it is

it is not good for me. near the end

of our relationship bella said my

music was not good for me. i do not

remember thinking deeply about her words.

as it has been my object to impress

the world in various ways and if you

just do it with as high intensity

you will succeed? it is not how people

or emotions of the world or art works though.

if you are too creative, you get tired.

it happens fast with the 2 other forms.

for awhile, making photographic images

seemed so easy. to the point that the

beauty i managed to capture in anything

made me bored out of my mind.

as for music? it is different from

the other 2 styles i have practiced

heavily. i do not know anything of music.

i have heard many songs. many instruments.

many voices. i do not like many.

the northern lady does remind me of something.

something long gone. or it may be new.

for her people which are more her than her.

has the most beautiful voices. though she

has trained hers for many years and is

the daughter of 2 farmers for what i have

heard. their people speak of world where

the air is clean. it is not only clean.

it has no disolvents. it is not salty nor

aromatic nor anything of the sort.

if you have ever been elevated to a mountain

you will know what i talk about.

enough of a mountain and it too will be cold.

this coldness will be expressed with tears.

since it is unfathomably cold it will freeze.

again i am reminded of that this writing

which appeared within me has some inherent quality.

i do not want to know of what others think of it.

as for bella, she did good things and bad ones.

or did she? she is both justice and beauty.

so i may start calling her lady justice.

but it does not make her justice.

she is bella and that is all.

and if people cannot relate to her or

her and me i do not care.

i do not want to make people happy

nor miserable. it was never my goal.

what is realitys goal?

be realistic? such as many artforms?

be more than real? like athetlics?

push the limits? i did try that.

it was quite dull. outside reality

betterness does not exist.

reality is good as it is because

it is normal.

if you try to diverse you will

turn strange perverse and such.

it is no something to strive for.

maybe all person are such.

maybe we are not monkeys

nor bugs nor peasants

nor queens.

i do not know how to read minds.

i do know many who are quite skilled

at the procedure and i have tried

to imitate them.

i do not know if this is inherent in my

system but i suppose so.

i cannot express opinions

because opinions are the only things

which exist. some opionions to me

are acceptable while some are not

to the point of disgust and just

holding my hands in front my eyes

or even beyond to mocking or wanting

to tell that person or entity to change

their ways and sometimes it has gone

to ideas of vanquishing.

i did get the thought of eating something

some hour ago? i do not know at which

speed i write this. i do know it is my forte.

with bella i did manage to.. i do not know?

represent her interpretation of her in my

world? did she get pleased over this?

i do think now that i should go on a tipsy

tour to wherever i am to some other

plane and then things will happen and

i might get pleased at first and then

not. and as i seem to be a shapeshifter

of some sort i will not be able to continue

writing in this style.

hmm. what to do? find something to enjoy.

enjoyment is expensive and turns sour

over time. thinking might not cost

much and might even be easy for some.

combine this with expressing these thoughts.

i am not a good realist.

i might not be.

though.

quite. i will fare soon.

i could say i care of my looks but do not.

i find myself unattractive in the mirror.

i do not enjoy the concept of "like".

as it leads to many problems.

i might have major or minor genital areas

but i do not know why i nor anyone else

should care for such. and still i find

myself primitive. just the mere thought

of intercourse makes me aroused.

maybe i wanted to express that i needed

stimulation beyond a mental one?

but none can ever be found.

i have found deep pleasure in two women.

i might have? i do not find pleasure

pleasureful though. as i am an artist

i notice the details and that is all.

of how julia did enjoy enjoyment

quite a lot but she was not a harlot.

she enjoyed even more dressing up.

though not to arouse desire in whoever

was around but to, i suppose, shapeshift

both her inner and outer world?

though i do not use soft words in quick

succession i am still quite bothered.

i wonder, am i hungry or tired or both?

should i be clever like a man

or senseous like a woman?

are they not the same?

should i refer to myself

as a female or male or

something ungraspable

from another world?

hmm. i can see from my notes

that i did not sleep long.

5 and a half hours.

this is my best sleep though.

for i do not awake aroused in mind.

neither in hunger for vengeance

or flesh or both.

one can point to many theories

of why when i do manage to act

normal things do not improve?

as usual when i do get aroused

which does not happen from many

phenomena my insticts tell me

this is my best bet. it is wrong

every time. as i have only

made love with 2 people and

these were female i cannot

pretend to know but it was

not a special occurance.

i get the urge to explain

how they were pleasurable

and beautiful but the body

is dumb and i prefer the mind.

sometimes i go days without

pleasure. and when i do get dazed

i fool myself into thinking joy

is a journey? hmm.

maybe i could survive on just

water or various other substances

which might have few

supposed ingredients.

i do not know. i cannot say

variation is good though i

thought i was varied

in the past.

who am i?

who is talking?

what world is this?

it is the world of letters.

not of bits of tea you put in water

and it explodes into beauty and wonder.

neither bytes of the chunk of your

praised or despised or both as it

usually predisposes flesh or mind

or other such theories.

i find this latest sentiment

to be quite amusing. some words

ago i was even graced with some water.

as neither fire nor water

nor smoke nor earth is needed

for anything to exist

it is not for me either.

i have been told i have

a good flow or such

which i do not know.

i write and that is all.

i tried to be someone i am not.

now i barely edit nor read

my writings. i do not know

if others do or what manifests

in their body and mind if they do.

i have been told that i am not boring?

as i tried to be a clown before i do

not know if this is a compliment or not.

alive or a corpse does not really matter.

said words or silence say the same

thing eventually and i do not know

which uses up most of various energies.

i am a mountain right now and many

other things. as i do not write in

a fantastical style this does not amuse me

nor am i delusional enough to think

it will any other.

i now find the need to finish this

pleasure of whatever i manifest

and find pleasure in other things

such as locomotion and fleshy lusts

which are just tainted things you

put between any of two available lips

or various other crevaces or

points of interest

in null to several entities separate

from yourself or not with fancy packaging

am i allow to say meow? i do not speak

in others tongue and i cannot really

recall hearing people in the

neighborhood or larger world around

speaking in whatever tongue i do now.

i find my existance to

be a double-edged sword.

or a dual axe? or a pair of breasts

which are actually buttocks but it is

the opposite thing though they are not?

i did not strive to have this spirit inside

of me but maybe it is not and i have merely

shifted in time most surely backwards

and have become the self i was before when

things i did sand said mattered and i was

respected and alluring beyond a dragons

fleeting illusion in the sky or the vengeance

a storm has plown whatever portion of this

plane which is the only plane?

apologies in advance for the plenty

mistakes of converting thoughts to

whatever this is represented in

whatever reality creator

is interpreting it.

i want to say bye and pretend i have

something to do or people who care

for me or that i care about or that

i have pets or plants or beautifully

framed images or anything beyond a desk

and a bed and something to rest half

my body on but i do not

i do say bye for now

i do not know when we are to be seen

again if ever or not