How i became a demon angel
HOW I BECAME A DEMON / ANGEL
so quite simply i was on the internet early in 1995 when i was 12 i found chatrooms and quickly started talking to people
and i just as quickly got tired of it i mentioned of how i got bullied at school and problems at home
mostly the only thing i heard was *hugs*
which didnt do anything for me
so one day i gave up and turned into a demon mostly only talking dirty to random women
then 1997-2002 i barely said anything online and was quiet IRL (which id basically been since birth)
also 2006-2011 i didnt really talk to anyone anywhere
as for the angel part i dont remember the year could have been earlier or later but whenever it didnt go as planned when playing online computergames id knock my table lamp
then when i got tired of changing it as the lamp inside broke all the time i figured i shouldnt be mad i then felt an intense heat in the middle of my chest that was my heart chakra
come to think of it i dont know if it was good or bad
at that point too since i was so sad about everything i could also cry on demand dont really remember doing it more than once when my parents were home but no one talked to me about it no one wondered how i were so i didnt bother
as for turning into a hyperdemon or angel or divine being "manic" "depressive" "manic-depressive" as nietzsche says
"the gods have something to learn from us we humans are after all more humane"
with anxiety starting in 2007 again i was abandoned i remember coming home from school (i was improving my failed grades at folkhögskola so i could later go to university) and crying at the dinner table because i didnt know what was going on and it never felt this bad dad quickly went away and mom was sitting right next to me looking down at the table not saying anything no words of encouragement nothing while i was crying that time was the first time i cried in years and the last time before many following years
and i remember and understand it so clearly now
my dad had said that i shouldnt spend so much time on the computer that id just gotten tired of it so all i did was upload photos to my comp for a year
he said "max 1 hour" but as he wasnt home i sat 5 hours photoshopping 80 images
the thing is that had never happened before i at max photoshopped 1 pic per day and it wasnt that often
so the anxiety from the neuroleptics had turned me manic depressive i dont think im the only one this has happened to i remember hearing an essay on radio totalnormal that many women who get menstruation and PMS are falsely labelled various mental diseases while its just how their bodies work
and my body doesnt work together with meds a psychiatrist one time said i was "hyperlaxative" which has nothing to do with the stomache just that i respond quickly and strongly to stimulus
i remember how it was when i had real high neuroleptic dose in the beginning
id get anxiety, until i fell asleep maybe 8 hours or more from a single glance a single word
i dont get how i survived that or managed to do anything at all
i had also self-acquired the inverse cinderella syndrome so i had to get home at noon every day or else id get anxiety
for those that havent gotten trauma or neuroleptic based anxiety really war veteran despair
it feels like instantly being teleported to hell
nothing really changes in my "reality" though as i only really have imagination for writing words thankfully but it feels aweful
also leading up to it can be just as bad because you do anything to stop it with it ending with me only staying in my room all day every day lying in bed listening to music
anyway the reason im writing this come up with writing this is because i got anxiety today eventhough ive been basically free from it for 1½ month i dont really know what changed do i get it because im addicted to simple potassium zinc and b-vitamin pills? and i stopped taking them for ½ day? seems so weird it was weeks since i took my last neuroleptic pill
anyway i was gonna write more but i dont really feel like it my body feels weak i can barely stand writing now but ill try
so my dirtiness returned some 2 decades later and went on for several years i wont go into it but it was bad and just like masturbation i got basically nothing out of it i now know it was because of the plethora of high doses of neuroleptics they forced me into including injections one side-effect of risperdal is actually "painfully long erections" but thats only a short version of the truth
then it got much better for a few years at my job an incredible ex-gangsta woman started working we quickly developed mutual liking
except shed always treat me badly if i wasnt fresh
so instead of only buying junkfood and CDs i began buying clothes and laundering them every day showering and shaving and brushing my teeth every morning i even started using coconut oil in my hair and tiger balm as deodorant
i had it real good and it wasnt that difficult especially when i had someone who genuinely cared for me
at one point we were even going to get engaged but that didnt happen
then bella entered the scene i got fired from my job so badly that i cant even go near the place
and she wanted my full attention all the time so every single waking hour was spent on her
that meant i only went out once a week didnt work out and shed also made me start taking dip drinking and smoking
didnt really shower or launder my clothes much and to this day i dont really like being amongst people anywhere nor taking long walks because it just makes me lonely and im tired of it
she even recommended me buying things online even freshly made junkfood just so id talk to her more on social media
that again made me even dirtier before there was also an old blogg friend i had who really liked my dirty stories it had revitalized her libido
....and i started sending those stories to random women online who i barely knew it didnt end well but i survived pretty good anyway
and id figured if i didnt meet anyone IRL id have no time being dirty to them but again this just made me even hornier online
spending hours looking at porn each day when i woke up
and as for bella we first met and hung out for a few hours while i "impressed" her
then her mother who also happened to work at the same place as me said one day "bella has been talking about you to everyone constantly for 2 weeks" so she helped me add 2 of her accounts on facebook
and the rest is history or rather legend i wrote hundreds of poems to her about her about us some 15 albums and not that many photoshops
she was the best thing and worst thing in some ways that had happened to me but she was still more good than bad
i remember waking up thinking "damn, im so happy!"
it was the time of my life and for hers as well
and i realized i didnt mind all those women i had denied or had denied me so i wouldnt have gotten a long term relationship with them or even more as some wanted to marry me
she was a reiki healer and now im healthy enough that i want that crystal healing which could cure me from all aches and worries again which i said no to with her
as for my parents they have never really talked to me seriously or about anything in my emotional life
the same mirrors with women i only impress them then they just leave me or they want me to kiss them or standing naked in front of me and i just chicken out dismiss them they never really teach me much about life which can be so confusing
and as for the psychiatric system its the same there as well we never really discuss anything they either flirt or are mean or both
and as for my fame and fortune? i have none maybe its because i change platforms i post my art music and poetry on or that i change my name all the time
but i dont think so my mom has had the same problems getting her art out into the world people appreciating it buying her things
although ive met 2 people lately who said they would make me get the appreciation i deserve
but obviously i quickly lost them
but also 2 other new women who said they would visit me i hope it happens i dont feel lonely or bored or have much anxiety anymore but i could still demand more of life
also miss economy will finally get me a contact person which will be the same as many years ago once a week meet for several hours it will be good for me
as for the dirtiness a large reason for it is being dirty either having dirty clothes or dirty body
and now... i get to shower once a week and poop and pee myself so i cant be very clean and thats where the current dirtymindness comes from
its also from risperdal eventhough i barely take it after id puked for 3 days and didnt take any pills for a whole week i eventually got really angry then zing a nurse tricked me into taking just 1 pill and i got horny directly
neuroleptics mess with your mind and body so much
ive also noticed that i need lots of nutrients as without strange pills that mess with me my body detoriates strangely enough so ive been hurting in my gums teeth and eyes
even having to take supplements but i can of course not take too many since then ill also get ill effects
so i lose no matter how i do it...
still i feel the best ever in some ways and some ways not but much more good ways
av Tsofmia Neptlith (ris och ros)
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