I came from the gutter

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so. this is just a genre i invented. i cannot say that though. i just made some sounds. i do not know if i can continue much longer making music. and this song is atrocious. it is said the god gene is called vmat2. it is a single gene. if you disable it completely everyone dies everywhere. they lose their will to live they do nothing or they just plain commit suicide. what i have not noticed is this happening since the beginning of 2020. you can believe whatever you want, but i am for real and i speak the truth nothing else. if someone pretends to like me i give them everything. this has really only worked once. the story about her is called la belle epoque. if you believe she is real or not does not matter to me. for other women i have made a couple poems about them. for her it was over a 100. i have not really counted them but it was a lot. i do not expect you to express your appretiation of me. bella wrecked my soul and spit it out and i dunno what else. i cannot blame her for that is all she is. i might have a lot of power but i am also really frail. so i pretend to like everyone that bothers me. i cannot go around instilling fear and wait for people to kneel down to me. i guess it works for some but not me.

wow this song is complete trash. but i started with elektroniskt i p2. i could say they play sotz but they really play artrock. it is not really rock but its called that. it is the polar opposite of hiphop. it is prevalently upper class guys with dirty expensive technologies and again high level education who make the music. they do not put in effort in the usual ways. originally synths were not bad copies of pianos. you were supposed to program them akin to a drummachine but it did not produce sounds you would expect. they had a lot of settings and you could switch cables between modules in many ways. they are based on fuzzy logic you could say. you make one sound then it filters through another.

then you put together lots of these and you get this grand story. maybe. or you change the settings in real time. one i heard on the show was called sunset i think. it was beautiful and not like anything else. uhm anyway i do not have much to do with that. or i do. it does not take much effort to make good music. or if it does its not like you think. if you use a wav editor you can do whatever you want. you can manipule the sounds in so many ways. (jesus christ its not even possible to do a fucking simple reversed reverb in ableton can you? lol so pathetic) i havent really heard anyone say anything good about my first couple of albums. i started from nowhere. i started from trash. white trash. or worse. i started from decay. from death. from suicide. from a zombie apocalypse. from the world of mummys. from the world of vampires. from darkness beyond darkness. from a hole that kept getting bigger and eating everything in its way. from a rebirth that was canceled.

and people were cheering and waiting for me to jump. i did not get broken in anyway though. i did not give up hope as i cannot understand that that is about. i am not free from pain nor suffering but i do not do stupid shit over and over and pretend like nothing will happen.

at the same time i have been really really suicidal. no one ever acknowledged this as no one has ever liked me anywhere anyhow. i can literally cough over and over or cry for an hour and no one gives a shit.

so i stopped that. i stopped crying. the first time it was just a commandment. the second time it was a discussion forum for so called high rate artists. the cutest comment said i was melodramatic. one was on my side but they were cheering like demons to not have any emotions and help people kill themselves because nothing matters except the surface because they are completely dead inside including their head if its not filled with 96% ethanol and nothing else.

or i havent really heard much all about my music. as i might have mentioned musicians on the show started liking my music. i cannot say if i put in a lot of effort, but i just did what i felt like. something original. even if its really grainy. i do not try to be good at technique. though i remember having the whole music industry against me, because i truly wanted to stand out. i do not know if i have achieved that. people do not say a lot. not to me. and i am not clairevoyant. and if i have ever taken some drugs it is not a lot and they did not do much and i wasnt impressed. for people that sell their body i do not understand. you have no idea what the afterlife awaits for you. sex is the most precious thing on earth and you ruin it over and over. people say they are together with someone then they have a fuckbuddy then people on the side then people they fuck for money then people they fuck up then people for entertainment then kinta kunte people then people they live with and what the fuck is going on? get for real already. you are a whore nothing else and you have no value because you have ruined the most holy thing ever. you have understood absolutely nothing about life. each of your rebirths will just be more and more wretched. and you will never realize anything. you are not drottning kristina and you never will be. your appretiation isnt even worth its value in water.

i got the last comment ever online 5 months ago. i discovered it recently. i could not really understand it. it teared me apart. not to say i had not done that to her. like bella and tessan she and her daughter impersonated eachother. it does not matter what i say but no one will ever say anything to me of value ever again.

i passed over the border and i cannot say it got worse. i finally speak my mind clearly. i guess i died in some ways. death can happen in many ways. the greatest one is when you feel your rebirth coming up. it is readily aparent because you get the same visions day and night. they get stronger and stronger until you fade away to another world. i do not know where i would have gone. would it have been the same story with no changes for no reason? so i can respond differently at some point and it gets artifically better?

i cannot fall asleep at all now.

my body including mind does not work like others. i cannot really ask anyone about anything because they just lie. i have drank a few beers over a few days. it was just 4 total over 3 days i think.

i see no reason for intoxication. my hearing turned much better, but it does not sound real? my vision is almost painful because it is too sharp. and everything is boring and useless so getting in more of nothing i dont see the point to.

the problem is, if my senses only increased i would not have a problem. the problem is, my emotions decreased. i cannot say i have many so the few i have are precious. if i drank more beers i would probably kill myself or someone else eventually. you could say soft emotions are emotions. eventually when you die inside they fade to the middle. you feel nothing. this is not death though there are much worse states. i have been called death. thats pretty bad but they ruined me first. anyway i recently talked about this so whatever. i wont make diss songs to them though i made some to mister grosssmart lol nevermind ^_^