In misery

so. in misery. but it doesnt matter.

bella was the only one. ever.

who cared.

.......if i was lucky.

and im not lucky.

so it doesnt matter.

so. i had this pretty poem essay

about all the times

i was raped when i lived

with my parents etc.

she replies "i am WEAK".

well. could never predict her.

like any other raving lunatic drunkard.

bella kissed me once

on the right part of my neck.

when she was doing the dishes.

and i was watching something on youtube.

but that was about it.

that doesnt exactly sound poetic.

anyway. i figured out the psychiatric system.

it seemed before that miss mom was my illness.

so i took more drugs than her eventually. i was beyond her.

no problem anymore.

and the same thing happened with the greys.

they couldnt touch me.

then we had this great invention. pcr tests.

i got one early 2020.

i fell for their spell.

back then. you were supposed to put it in the back of your.. jaw?

strange.

hey. i read about pcr tests a whole lot of years ago.

life is not love. the world is not love.

its simple. drugs make you stronger.

if you dont do them you have no chance.

the more power you have. the stronger drugs you can afford.

its like a logarithmic feedback loop.

back then. you put the swab on the inside of your cheek.

and rubbed it for like 30 secs.

putting it furthest into your mouth wont do shit.

i almost puked. almost. the nurse said i should count to 15. or whatever.

you cant do that when youre almost puking already.

she counted to 5. then i coughed violently. and then the test was finished.

anyway. theres some other ways. to get power.

but it seemingly doesnt matter. they increase in numbers.

you never ever have a chance.

you could

1) be a whore

2) say smart things

3) say funny things

3) be assertive

at first. i tried the second. be clever. have good arguments.

it doesnt matter. they rip your words apart.

whatever you say leads to their only known end result.

pain in more pain. the ultimate negative.

so. i havent been angry, for like.. months?

because. uh. ive ignored the psychiatric system.

again. i have no idea how they do it.

alarm from a distance.

please god no

no fire alarm again.

they did it 2 days ago. 4 times.

after the third it didnt stop.

so i did my usual tehnique.

talk to people. be smart. funny. flirty.

usually. id walk up to this woman.

shes from greece. like you. great huh?

in swedish, the english word greece and the swedish word for pig is the same thing.

the greek got slaughtered. like pigs. because thats all they are.

enjoy.

so. anyway. miss greece. miss gris. miss piggy.

she. smokes. all. the. time.

anyway. shed managed to piss me off a lot one day.

she said i looked like a pig. ok. great?

shes not exactly attractive herself. so it doesnt work.

and my startsign is double waterpig.

again. doesnt work.

nothing pisses me off.

because i realized the world is a lie.

and i dont care about the lie.

and thus i dont care about anyone

hey. i tried retaliating against my bullies.

uhm. 3 times? great. really great idea.

one time some dude pretends he likes me.

wants to borrow some computer game.

copies its soundtrack to cassette.

i eventually somehow get it back.

its got a million scratches. oK?

he was apart of the gang.

i dunno who isnt.

they all fall for it.

eventually.

drugs beer hooker.

sex and drugs and rock and roll.

and i wanted that too.

and i didnt get it.

i should have gotten it.

that i didnt get it.

so. i manipulated the spacetime continuum

well. no big deal.

deviantart. someone calls themselves serenity.

again. its not good to mention proper names.

unless theyve completely beyond help have fucked up. not a good idea.

and everyone is clairevoyant. so they know what its about.

i thought there was something wrong with me.

people gave me the cold shoulder everywhere.

anyway. to continue an older story.

so. gangs and the mafia. have weird rules.

they stem from really old times.

you cant blame anything said in the bible or related books.

compared to their bullshit.

they. obviously. dont. write. them. down.

hey. the vikings were clever. never wrote it down.

those runestones. you know?

they sound like. i dunno. memes? lesse. look up.

this is fun! ^_^

i dunno why i write.

i guess some artists arent good writers.

anyway. im reminded of another julia.

its usually like that.

you see your first love all the time afterwards.

which can be problematic.

i went home to my apartment a few days after the first julia.

then she wanted us to go to some wellness thing.

fuck. i hate wellness. and im a hare krishna.

i should have gotten it. but i dont get anything.

being lonely is the fucking greatest thing ever.

well. no. you think you understand things.

from your bubble. anyway! ^_^

right. so i come to whatever subway station before her.

wait outside. SERIOUSLY. everyone looked like her.

one of them. PERFECT. then i got closer. and. nope. just some normie.

she finally arrived. she was neat. geeky. maybe.

she liked clothes. a lot. and she was for real.

real real real.

i thought it was only redheads which are like that.

but..... i dunno.

a particular specimen.

julia said she was a german jew.

then i figured like. hey!

this was obviously before bitchute.

nazis bad! jews good!

jews in pain! jews smart! jews great!

its really easy to perpetuate a lie.

over millenia. even.

but how do you know that you exist?

what if you woke up and have implanted memories?

it was like that before.

like...... id wake up. and before i opened my eyes.

i had no idea where i was.

nope. no drugs. neuroleptics. theyre fun.

they never work as intented.

or its a feature. not a big.

anyway. i like writing! ^_^

i dont like writing to other people.

except, i wrote a lot to tracey.

she didnt say a lot back.

this was good. i got to be myself.

and write things.

never needing to impress anyone.

be yourself.

b/u. wanted to make a t shirt like that.

wanted to set up a temporary stand in skärholmen centrum.

but i eventually learned that its futile.

no one cares and no one will ever care.

oh. fun memory! my dad had ZERO creative talents.

he put me down. a lot. but he was tired of me.

makes sense. he never said "you should get a place of your own".

i did that. moved far away. had some shitty hosts.

told dad. he called me up the next day.

"my heart has never hurt this much"

awwww! cutiepie!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

anyway. miss greek hates my fucking guts.

so. im an incubus. great? when did that start.

i had this great neighbor. i had some others.

like. they lived just nextdoor.

families are weird. creepy. fucked up.

lonewolf is the only way to go.

hey. conspiracy theories are all true.

a conspiracy means when 2 people agree on something.

they shouldnt. be yourself. la di da.

im listening to hardcore superstars someone special.

doesnt matter. told that story before. im not special.

it actually affects what i write. i dont believe in the mozart effect.

mozart was some dead dude. fritzl liked classical music.

and other miscellaneous khazars. or whatever.

its not white people. GET IT. theres 4% white people!

they dont rule the world! its a lie. its all a lie.

hey. could upload this on bitchute. i get some views again.

not a lot. if i talk. i got 120 views before.

if i added effects. 60 views. makes sense. logical.

but if everyone knows everything about me all the time.

how does anything matter?

thats why people are boring.

makes sense. they cant write in stream of conciousness mode.

it would be petabyte flow. makes sense.

another word i thought was SO COOL.

so. the female orgasm is the greatest force in the universe?

great for them. flesh is like any other flesh.

if you fry it, it eventually changes colour. i havent seen beyond grey.

but its disgusting. be happy you dont have clamydia.

anyway. who cares. what to do......? ^_^

so. i was pissed off. i mean. majorly.

that catatonia i talked about.

i wont be getting any more tatus.

criminals have them.

thats it.

things never mean what they mean.

never ever. people see things as they are.

so. heard about the fish phenomenon.

jail isnt for pussies.

its not for them at all.

it simple.

start of shawshank redemption.

mister intellectual gets put in.

also a fat guy.

he gets murdered on his first day.

thats me. soon. joy.

or they wont do that.

because they cant get to me.

what is the original sin?

doesnt that sound clever?

it would be nice to read books again.

sigh. velvet acid christ is nice.

ive mostly pirated his music.

so not like im a real fan.

i told people that before.

i was majorly pissed!

yes! give back! great idea.

except, theyre warriors, they know how to fight back.

im a faggot.

i attack weak people.

but thats not fun. they dont fight back either.

so. no point in that.

i now realized how it worked.

so. once. was gonna be neat and all.

so. this dude part of an intellectual crew.

they had a group where they reviewed writings.

wow. great idea. they had a cute outside image.

intellectuals. bla bla bla.

so. i tell them i want a review of my

GREATEST POEM EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

then i get the reply back.

"you need to learn the rules first

before you rape them with a broomstick"

ok. found one of their prime evils.

he called himself inebriate.

not something cute.

so he was slaughtering another newbie.

i talked in quotes back then.

they were my friends.

id read them over and over.

i published them! great for me.

in 1 copy. gave it to some musician.

he liked it. that was it.

waste of time.

my first book with text i ordered 7 prints of.

like. why?

i was gonna give them to people i liked.

except, when you make shit.

you might think its not good.

so i didnt give them to anyone.

and you dont really give people things.

they wont give a fuck.

bella liked one of my books! great!

so. her new. whatever. i dont get normies world.

its like

1) the one youre with. your close friend. your more than friends. your hubby. your spouse. your prime apartment. your "the only one" to the outside.

2) people you fuck. that you know. friend.

3) people you fuck at parties. distant friend. part of the clique.

3.1) gangbangs. happen all the time. you know everyone. so you fuck everyone. all the time. at the same time.

4) people you fuck to get money.

5) people you fuck to get something else out of them. like, get them to rape you, get them raped. get them in prison. shit talked in the press. the works. it doesnt matter. they do whatever it takes. and they always succeed.

oh. this ones great.

6) people you exchange once per year. someone you acquire. whenever you feel like it. you "work", that is, prostitution, drugdealing, murders, you name it. so youre "busy". maybe you "see a friend" or your family or whatever.

sometimes its in the summer. sometimes its after new years.

you see them when you feel like it. to get your entertainment. theyll fall for it. they are virgins. they believe in true love. yada yada.

you are expert at subversiveness lies manipulation golddigging and many more psychological methods i have no idea about.

it has been this way since time began.

maybe there are books about this. no idea. i dont read books. i dont "know" my neighbourhood.

la di da.

well. ive heard some about documentation about the mafia. swedish. hells angels. banditos. italian.

falcone. i looked that up. wikipedia. great for me. skimmed. like tracey used to do to me. then she scrolled. then i got tired of her.

if she exists. if shes got 3000 fake accounts.

if someone just did it to teach me a lesson.

i dont care. i dont care. i dont care.

it doesnt matter.

people dont say what they mean.

and they dont mean what they say.

you cant do that. you cant be up front.

so. bella said. once. ever. that she loved me. cute love letter.

she knew any art in existance. good for her.

except. shes a robot. an android.

these gang and mafia babes.

they will give your world meaning.

for the first time ever.

but its a really really strangew world.

it is the real world. the shadow world.

and everyone lives in it. except me.

except virgins. except geeks. except otaku.

but its easy to get drugs online.

and find whatever you want.

and its easy to get drunk.

to forget. to fit in.

to be yourself.

and.. since the swine flue?

vodka and beyond grade

alcohol is available anywhere.

for free.

it was a gateway into the shadow world before.

now its a prerequisite for existing at all.

no one escapes. no one.

so i dont... really think theres anyone like me.

anyway. bella was perfect.

she could handle me.

for 1½ years.

you know. numerology?

its a lot beyond trying to find 666 in anything.

i mean. its so fucking crazy.

they speak in so many ways.

on so many levels.

you just dont stand a chance.

the worst thing.

is the manifestation part.

so. i mentioned someone else.

the only other one i had.

bella says "remove everything about her"

.........ok?

then i mention someone else.

"remove everything about her"

now it gets weird.

but i dont see the signs.

then. like. early 2020?

her sis calls me up.

...... and wouldnt you know?

"remove everything about her"

sigh.

whats the point to...... anything then?

you cant call the shadow world a lie.

because its all there is.

to humanity.

animals arent like this. but i dunno.

cats can get psychosises.

how this ties in with

them having an iq of 1

and being blind. i dont get.

so. when i was 7. i wanked for the first time.

great for me. my first thought was

"im the only one doing this".

it has come to my attention

that my sis shit talked me in my sleep.

it just makes sense. cant explain it any other way.

she did this. because she knew something about me.

i mean. she didnt. but her intuition tells her so.

scorpios are right 99% of the time because

they have a smashing good intuition........ok?

ok. new alarm. something else.

the world is getting weird again.

i mean. treat me badly any way you want.

but fucking beeping noises? no thanks.

i made this weird science fiction rant.

to get the psychiatric system its patients treatment.

miss stalker replied "you should send this to magazines"

well. i tried that. once. they didnt want it.

tried with 1 book. thought i had the chance.

some dude in the noble committee had published a similar one.

quote cutes from his life.

mister dad had said his first memory.

was that his mom cleaned him as a baby in the sink in the kitchen.

great for him. the mentioned quote from the book?

"i remember when my mom used to clean my body as a baby in the sink in the kitchen"

........gee. wonder why.

it to tell me. i am nothing. i will never succeed.

only frauds do. but its what our world is made up of.

lies are easier to popularize than truths.

because teaching someone something isnt possible.

they see the world differently.

so it doesnt work.

wow. my brain is melting.

i think something. write it.

except, somewhere between the brain thinking it

and my hands writing it.

i can

1) miss out on words

2) write an opposite one

3) write a completely different one, which is related to the other one somehow. but my brain is a mess.

when i was a teen. i wrote better than american ones.

well. nothing to brag about. since the average american iq is 20 points lower than the rest of the world.

ok. this song annoys me. but everything annoys me.

energy thieves? give me a break. you have no idea about the greys subversiveness.

so. 1997. the game unreal wasnt released. i was on the official forum.

they mention.

i. hate. everything.

dont need a speedball for that.

as for my dad? go fuck yourself.

and your "clique".

if you want to teach your kid something.

you do that. you dont give with one hand and slap with the other.

its your own fucking fault. not mine.

they mention its gonna use module music.

search on it. find a site called "altered perception".

bypass

the douche is playing harmonica and it sounds like complete and utter shit.

love you as well man.

so. i got him on my level. but shadowpeople shift so quickly.

but then. they lustmurder people.

so. tried a pub. once. smoked. outdoors. drank someones leftover beer.

after a min i hear youre not allowed to smoke there.

oooooook. try another one. sit at some random table. someone has left some sallad. wow.

go downstairs. sit at some random table. no one says anything.

switch table. some drunk cunt talks to me. i ask her name. sofie. ok. pretty.

she asks mine. emma. "WHAT?" emma? "ok great i have to powder my nose". i move to the other side.

some chick leans against me and says "im so sorry".

the team talk. i figure i should shut up. listen a few mins.

mention some conspiracy theory in relation

to what theyre talking out. someone replies poignantly.

i interupt them too quickly. they cuss me out.

i try to act smart and weak.

they tell me to leave.

i tried to be normal once.

worst 2 mins of my life.

............ ^_^

i mean. really. why bother? i will never be them.

i cant pretend i am.

i cant be anything.

if computers didnt exist.

i..... dont really know would have happened to me.

one of my first memories is playing ice climber on nintendo.

great for me. my neighbour had lots of consoles and computers.

ive never really lived. and ive never lived in the shadow world either.

no light. no shadow. just infinite grey.

miss mom said out of the blue

"you once said that grey is all colours"

ok. great for her. i guess she wanted to say something incredible.

its not. i dont get people. she used to say that my bed is so "comfy".

i never got anything.

so. another time. tried to be normal. some neighbor when i had my real

own apartment. i meet her daughter. she says shes seen me at my job.

ok? never seen her. weird. and she didnt mean my job. nothing really

means what people say. i never got this. until i tried drugs.

and tried interacting with them more. if you are something.

you do it. and ignore everything else. nothing else matters.

because the world is a fraud. it doesnt have to be fake.

but everyone else is. so it doesnt matter.

grey. all colours. ok. maybe that was when i was afraid of aliens.

lesse. when did that start? right. 2006. 27th march.

went outside. hadnt done that for years.

its weird when youre fucked up and pretend to be normal.

but its like that. the lightworld the shadowworld.

except the light world is worse.

its supposed to be normal. and acceptable.

except, people switch between these all the time.

can they be sentient? i have no idea.

one of the last things of value miss mom said.

i cant remember the exact phrasing.

i dunno in which state i was.

sometimes i remember swedish things said in english.

its obvious. if you have enough trauma. you hide it.

this trauma is swedish society.

some people try anime culture. great for them.

i tried american culture. readily available.

and you create another world.

except. im a guy. i have no imagination.

and no emotions.

so. i have one world.

where i think and talk and act in english.

this world is better.

this world is stronger.

this world is... sexier?

whatever.

i was allowed to read an english poem finally

at the radio show. well. maybe it was both

swedish and english. dont like people.

but performance has some actual meaning.

i was. really. never part of fountain house.

so. i figured. i liked cooking.

ill be a chef! great. ill look for an education

in university on it. at the time. there were only

3 in sweden. in stockholm. impossible to get in

with my grades. for a long time.

the scale was only 4 different values.

you had to put in effort to get a 1.

and you had to put in more effort to get a 4.

ig g vg mvg.

quite boring. and futile.

so. miss mom. is great. and knows everything.

future past everything about everyone.

i was gonna be called sofia? great.

sofia means clever. i was gonna be clever.

im sofia when i shut up and do nothing.

seems.... quite dull.

tracey is like this. doesnt say anything.

whatever people do to her. she accepts it.

then shes politically correct. like. worse ever.

i thought this had to do with christianity.

but. really. no.

i used to shut up.

miss mom mentioned they used to ask me

what school was like?

i have zero memory of this.

when we got broadband in 1997.

i sat 12 hours per day.

got home at 5. sat til 5 in the morning.

this was problematic. since we started at 8:30.

so. was a zombie. to say the least.

didnt cut my hair. didnt get new clothes.

for like. uh. 20 years? didnt shower.

didnt brush my teeth.

ate a farmers diet.

shit tons of butter milk orange juice

bread meatballs. about it.

i perpetuated that until. well.

recently. now i eat 100% junkfood.

there was some news that iran would nuke the world?

ok. id ignored tv and newspapers since 9/11.

but i fell into their spell.

wow. hate everything. the greys are great.

you think ive never bled? stupid piece of shit.

you dont know the definition of bleeding.

show me the size of the vaccine scar

you got when you were born and

i will tell you about pain.

so. hey. i figured. oh.

i almost got emotional for a second.

isnt that great?

guys arent allowed to have emotions.

theyre not really allowed to do anything.

it is said all churches were built by demons.

the seal of solomon.

men are called demons.

women are called angels.

but. if women control the world?

theyre the demons.

theyre the unseen.

and males are their slaves.

i saw the ultimate reality.

everyone is either

a green

or a grey.

strangely enough.

i wondered recently.

am i a green or a grey?

i figured green.

ya see. nothing is as it seems.

something else weird.

is that i dont see ugly people.

i mean, i tried to see the good in other people.

theres really no point in that.

like. fountain house. first day.

was lead around by a inhumanly ugly guy.

ok. they wanted to tell me a lesson.

he had so huge acne scars on his

nose it was just incredible.

i got pimples on my nose shortly after started college.

ya see. its hard to breath. and move.

when you sit in front of the computer 12 hours per day.

now its easy though.

i walked. increased my muscle mass.

but its not about that.

its about muscle cells.

you either have muscle cells or fat cells.

the fatter you get.

the easier it is to build fat.

the more you work out.

the easier it is get back on top again.

except. i walked. you only train your legs then.

my legs are healthy. in some ways.

my arms........ well.

i played computer games too much.

first person shooters? just.... no.

quake was the end of my life.

"gothic". ok. cool.

black clothes?

but everyone uses black clothes

"you look better in them"

but theres more things to see in colours.

society is depressing.

i havent been able to make poems about gaming.

nor school. really. dunno why.

theres really.. no light there.

nothing beautiful to extract.

its just. pain in more pain.

the ultimate negative.

the ultimate lie.

its weird. i didnt realise i was suicidal before.

it makes sense. i talked about it. no one else really did.

so miss mom said she called up miss economy and said

"DO YOU WANT HIM TO COMMIT SUICIDE AGAIN???????"

gee. the problem is. i remember things.

i remember how people were before.

bella cussed me out 6 hours per day when she was "pregnant".

so. do i want to make it better for these kids which dont

really exist except in the shadow world and ill never see

nor speak to them and they wont even come to my funeral.

and no one will come to my funeral. i dont understand

the implications of that. because i cant read minds.

i cant see time.

then she ended it with "i love you"

or a heart emoji. or whatever.

she did that for awhile.

and has fate as it.

i tried to make fun of her.

so i finally say

"ok. i admit it. i was unfaithful.

i spit in miss electros eyes

i pissed on her tits

and i shit in her hair"

uhm. then shed been pregnant for 9 months.

i dont get anything.

it was almost my birthday too. even better.

i dont remember the exact date.

its hard to make up shit.

when you dont have imagination nor emotions.

i wrote this story about dragons to miss china.

i never sent it to her. but she knows everything

so shes read it. i remembered now why i wanted to see her.

walk to china. from sweden. would take awhile.

she said more than once

"i want to have sex with seas"

great for me. doesnt mean anything.

like everyone else. she was a cannibal.

she made really weird splatter selfies.

listened to black metal.

the first song the hamlet wytch sent me.

was anal cunts "hitler was a sensitive man".

hey. im normal now.

it feels like im actually

talking to rhiannon and kirin.

(they say "we are here")

great for me. doesnt mean nor prove shit.

and everyone hates me. it can work in a moment.

and it happens. over and over and over.

i should have figured it out.

the countess used to talk about her day.

then she stopped with that.

miss mom stopped at a similar time.

hey, even pi has twins.

"do you see connections?". lol?

so. last year was a trip.

because i tripped.

in various ways.

the ultimate smartest thing was saffron.

and installing an antivirus at the same time

bella said her husband and one

important fuckboy was hacking her.

ok. ill help? im a..... warrior? man? cowboy?

sigh.

it didnt work.

i am chaos magick.

and its not something to brag about.

its just how i work.

im not a demon nor an angel.

i am not blue red green grey nor black

i am everything. in a big fucking mess.

rainbow? no. just white noise.

so. the nanochip is healing me.

in some ways. this is the problem.

i mean. shadowpeople.

they hear something. believe it.

and it works.

dandruff shampoo? ok. you get dandruff shampoo.

you use it. you dont have to use it anymore.

you are healed.

grocery stores are epitome of this.

gee. would be nice to write on topic.

but i dont do that anymore.

ive rotted my brain.

its impossible to get inspired when nothing happens.

and my writing eventually goes in circles.

this is eternity.

so. theres a velvet acid christ cover.

an early one.

of some demon with lots of hoses on him

and just darkness.

that doesnt sound like fun?

i thought darkhalo was like that.

lived in hell. made music.

with his mind.

hed think something.

then that would spur a song.

easy. dont have to put in mechanical effort.

youre not supposed to write about that in layman terms.

i never got that. for supernatural things

you explain them in supernatural ways.

and i thought computers werent that.

i mean, its impossible? its just 0s and 1s.

you cant change the internet around to your wishing?

the website would stop working?

it would just crash the program?

or the computer?

or the image sound video

would just turn to white noise?

well. its not like that.

now. its weird. since i was a cyberdemon.

and an incubus. since 4th grade? i can see it.

anyway. cant handle people.

ive fixed my personality.

but thats when no one bothers me.

it was like this before.

i lived in home.

it was complete shit.

walked on eggshells.

best to just lock my door.

and pretend no one else existed.

but the internet was the same thing.

and even if the trenchcoat

mafia is an mk ultra psyop.

the concept is still real.

the worst people are those that use computers.

that make computers.

that code.

they understand things.

like no one else.

so. ive been wanting to tell that story about

akari and akira harakiri.

bella said it was from some anime.

but i cant find it.

search engines dont show popular results

.......... if they ever did?

ok. lets check up on my deep data profile?

wheeeeeeeeeee ^_^

i sound like a 12 year old girl? great.

ive got the quote still. lesse.

message 1

Jag fattar men jag fattar inte

like

några bitar av den här dikten är bra

medans andra delar är som

en tolv år tjej skrivit det.

inget hat UwU

message 2

årig*

now. theres lots of subversiveness in there. but i dont really care.

im naive so i sent her some messages. repented. made a poem. waited for her response.

tried to be like her.

hated everything and had nothing to express

could only talk in troll swedish

or reptile swedish. i dont know the difference.

i dont know when this language started.

theres super mario. around the time i was born.

so i guess it has older origins.

right. nietzsche.

his concept of the übermensch.

the super man. some loser made

the first modern comic about that.

it was called........ super man.

great.

i havent read nietzsche a lot.

i used to like quotes. lots.

just short sayings.

that meant a lot.

which actually said something.

then id communicate that way.

and got that insult i mentioned earlier.

i understand things now.

but theres nothing to understand after that.

i built up a personality. and its a joke.

and i cant change it.

i turn into that around people.

and since i know ill never get someone

i dont want sex.

just someone around.

we dont have to talk.

we dont have to say anything.

oh! important part! ^_^

theyre not allowed to think

negative things about me

i have all these theories.

but no one ever cared.

i dont know if i spellbound women

or if my voice is just a tractorbeam.

i met someone like that.

i could literally not move when he started whining.

hed perfected it. he got happier the worst i felt.

the third time. i had told myself to break free of the bonds.

and i never saw him again. he had no power over me.

well. everyone has power over me.

the only powers i have

are instantaneous

unintentional

black chaos magick.

or not? last year. i tried the drug route.

i was near the zombie zoo here.

they didnt say

"oooooh im in such

a bad mood all of a sudden?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY"

some things are patterns.

its called the uncanny valley.

jane austen. i think?

wrote about that.

that everyone else seemed like robots.

this was before 1908.

so thats odd.

maybe she just wrote.

without using drugs as a crutch.

and they dont work.

you become a 1 hit wonder.

and thats it.

you get high once.

and its amazing.

you get high more.

and you never reach that high again.

me. i said i took phenylethylamine.

great for me? figured it wouldnt be cool

to write in the liner notes for SBSP

that i liked to eat chocolate to get inspired.

again, i dont get shadowlanguage.

but it sort of means

"i get off by sucking peoples assholes"

i guess?

........... yeah. its weird.

maybe i mentioned that at fountain house once.

some chick made

a song about taking shit

and eating shit.

she also talked about female pedophiles?

great for her. lesse, what did she say?

"i dont want to turn into some loser

in the suburbs with cats and flab

and warts with hair in them"

and..... yeah.

i said her record was good.

and something good happened.

then something bad happened.

as it always is for me.

she made another song

about "fuck or die"?

well. its my fault.

it was a simple pastich

of the animal semetary

by the ramones.

i am the best and the worst.

the american dream. sigh.

so. was douglas adams

a khazar? makes you wonder.

i was given that book long ago.

didnt laugh. thought it was stupid.

42? right. i wanted to be clever.

well. i just spam whatever.

some other mmorpg.

some guy who liked gangster rap was in the game.

great for me.

i spammed him.

he said some things.

uhm..........

then i say

y=3>{1,3}

he asked

did you just curse me?

didnt really mean to

but i get exstatic

when people dont

just turn me off

so i spam him more

eventually he says

"should i call the cops?"

i logged out

not a good idea

gangsta rappers talking

about corrupt cops?

i dont get it

theyre best friends with them

i dont know the exact specifics

but if you piss off a gangster

they can all of a sudden say

theyre gonna call the cops on you

and they do

it was like that last year

just like when i lived at home

couldnt really go outside the door

and people knocked at my door

and begged for cigs or money or food

sigh. i guess they dont live in a

social democracy like me?

but. im a soyboy.

a laser turk.

a deathstar.

so. met someone that looked like miss electro.

well. met several like that. great for me.

better than all those fake blondes.

she hade huge rasta braided hair

in a big mess on her hair.

looked pretty.

i once asked mister dad

"WHY DO JUNKIES LOOK SO GOOD????????"

"..... they dont look good on the inside"

except, he also said

"your room smells so bad"

i guess he really means

"your soul is corrupt"

just like those

"your art used to be so dark"

well. good thing he hasnt seen my writing.

well. he has. keylogger. and all.

and you dont need that.

miss economy. last year.

you know, tourettes?

its for a reason.

miss economy is a logoped.

it sounds great in swedish so ill keep it.

she teaches people with speech impediments

to get better. but it makes you wonder.....

before. she never answered the phone.

is problematic.

shes supposed to help

me with my economy?

i tried messaging her smsing her

leaving phone messages.

nope. nothing. for 3 whole months.

id prefer an evil muslim to that.

i prefer muslims.

except, the brotherhood is flawed.

an eye for an eye leaves the world blind.

and the world is blind. like cats.

in the land of the blind the one eyed man is king.

oh. its great feeling like this.

saying what i wanna say.

then instantly realising the opposite.

great.

at university. we were gonna write essays.

on whatever.

the teacher says "ni skriver ett paper"

yep. all swedish words.

then an english one.

hard to figure out what she meant then.

except, university teachers

have 0% education in teaching.

best thing ever.

as for making tracey happy?

great. how do you make women happy?

you make them orgasm.

thats the only thing.

so i made up shit about people i havent slept with.

and. earlier.

i made this essay after midnight.

quite intricate.

about a dozen ways i use to fall asleep.

she replied?

great. not exactly common.

she said

"its not often i cant fall asleep. otherwise i give myself an orgasm"

great for me.

then i tried to impress her.

this is how our relationship started again.

she talked shit about her husband.

i said things.

i blogged.

its way worse than anything i write nowadays.

big fucking mess.

and the longer i wrote the shittier it became.

no. word isnt a virus from outer space.

words are air? air is souls.

air are souls? none of the 2 words sound correct.

its great that i pretended to like metallicas song

"one".

then i figured. when bella had had her fun.

it would happen to you.

theres 2 music vids. i think?

not recommended.

i used to talk exstatically about it.

like everything else.

i cant stand people now.

like that tracey poem.

made it into a song.

dont really feel like recording my voice anymore.

it sucks out my energy.

cant really explain it.

same for photoing or filming.

a split second afterwards my eyes turn cold.

i didnt get into the same school as matilda.

weird i still remember her name.

but nothing would have happened between us.

my sis went to that school.

it was fancy and slanting and......

inability to open windows.

dunno. it was ok? maybe?

so miss mom got me into this school.

far away in the suburbs.

took 45 mins to get there.

whine warning! cringe warning!

wow. this is whiney.

it shifts. sometimes i say something of value.

no. dont really know what woman is.

since im not one.

i used to call myself seas.

because i wrote from a dream or vision or whatever.

dark angels crying seas of blood.

theres some front line assembly song about that?

but i was a dead dreamer before.

i dont get visions.

i...... dont get anything.

i thought that statement was so deep and amazing and important.

maybe i came up with it in 1997 already.

i could reference it. but i dunno. why do numbers matter?

so. i wanted to call myself seas of blood.

wasnt that cute.

so i shortened it down to seas.

i cant call it history.

because i cant relate to time.

digifox real name is angel olsen.

well. i dont really know. just a hunch.

saw the cover and it looked like her.

she had a site like mr poetry site.

it was a bunch of geek friends.

most german.

deaddreamer misery in motion

jake jake2000

that guy he had a website with on endeffected dot com

pyros

shiver

some other redhead thin and asthma and weak. not enough notoriety to bother recalling her name.

she and digifox had a site called gamergirls with 1 more.

i think? it showed drawn female geeks with no tits. you know, feminism?

feminism sure made good work of computergames.

"there wont be any loot boxes but many cosmetic options"

fun.

i mean. it was great.

one time in runescape.

i saw this female character

with a purple horse and a unicorn plushie and purple clothes, i guess?

and some people have imagination and they dont play the game the normal way.

but, like...........?

was that other redhead you tracey? or the third? or are you digifox? lol. would be weird.

but i cant put on a show.

i used to like copying people.

when the alarm went off.

and this sickly emaciated old smoker that always had the same clothes on including a pointy beanie hat thingie (we call em mössor) ive never spoken to nor heard a word from ever.

anyway. he had some probs. i dont think it was a fire though.

well. the shadowlands are weird.

the fire apartment got there.

got a loooooooong hose. and some smoke came out. i presume it was the carbon acid though. not any actual problem.

but i got to talk to people! great!

people = women

clownslaves = men.

this language is called the ooga booga language. great for me.

anyway. the original thought lead

i tried to impress some chicks with my great ingenuity of laughing and smiles and talks of funny and smart things

.............. no one falls for it.

it might work if

"you have nice hair but you look evil in your pictures"

no. i cant look myself in the mirror.

that was something good about drugs.

getting assertive. angry.

doing actual shit to improve my life.

instead of trying to be normal.

since no one is normal.

hmm. have written for awhile.

not that it matters.

not that it anti-matters.

as for miss electro.

i used to post lots of stupid links.

remember, tracey?

("oh yes i remember")

great. youre still there? lovely. ("yes i am" that sounded neither like bella nor tracey nor miss electro. not rhiannon nor kirin either. this is complicated. sigh. katarina? makes sense. hi there. was awhile ago. jessica? makes more sense. you never know. quite a lot of people in stockholm. and online. gotta make an impact. like handguns and tequila [dont talk like that]. shut up)

so. one of these was to bella to some random miss electro song.

i hadnt really listened to anything shed made.

and i linked the wrong one.

one that didnt actually suck.

that wasnt beyond BLIP BLOP BLAP and pathetic casio style synths.

so. i sound like shit when i spit live?

you got that from that guy who said i was "a legend already"?

great. except that diss is about eminem.

and im just a stereotypical wannabe gangster.

and mister grosssmart is so great so he TOTALLY improvised it RANDOMLY while making a film.

..........right.

its much better to be a stereotypical wannabe black gangster.

much difference.

not.

would be nice to publish this. i mean. make a book.

get it printed.

he also soooooooo didnt have a beat and stayed on cue.

yeah. you do that. robot. the world is yours. after all.

when you sell your soul.

i know about the ultimate reality. its fucking boring.

i guess i should eat something. the ostkaka.

shortcake. is used up.

oh. the finnish chocolate is still there.

theyre genuine. they started adding a bunch of stupid flavours.

but, hey. popcorn.............? right.

ok. headache. 2 days of alarms.

you cant really talk to people about anything.

you could let them talk. but i get uneasy so fast.

ruined my legs. my own fault.

first my right arm hurt from too much computergaming.

then my left. i continued.

then my left leg.

then my right one.

well. i had no life meaning.

nothing makes me happy. except writing.

i tried other things.

but, really. theyre not for me.

the nanochip heals me.

but im not allowed to speak of anything good.

then it gets corrupted.

im not allowed to speak of anything bad.

then i get punished.

sigh.

couldnt find those funny runestones.

U 1011: "Vigmund had this stone carved in memory of himself, the cleverest of men. May God help the soul of Vigmund, the ship captain. Vigmund and Åfrid carved this memorial while he lived." Frösö Runestone: "Östman Gudfast's son made the bridge, and he Christianized Jämtland" Dr 212: "Eskill Skulkason had this stone raised to himself. Ever will stand this memorial that Eskill made;" U 164: "Jarlabanki had this stone put up in his own lifetime. And he made this causeway for his soul's sake. And he owned the whole of Täby by himself. May God help his soul."

uhm..........? supergay. gay gay gay.

aka tourettes. i got that into my head after battling that troll.

just a normie. booooooooooring.

im not a battler.

im a soulreaver. and thats it.

i get why people dont like redheads.

were greenheads. hell, i have green eyes too.

everyone says theyre blue. well, fuck em.

what they really point to.

is the ted gärdestad song

"jag vill ha en egen måne"

where he says

"om man är över 15 vårar finns inga känslor kvar"

"if youre above 15 springs no emotions are left"

well. im greater. i died before i started school.

before i gained conciousness.

thats why they started on us so early.

i guess the vårar / springs has some deeper meaning. dont care.

im normalized now. i am not bipolar.

since i cant fake.

im artsy. and im dumb. thats it.

anyway. fuck the left.

pretending to care about minorities

and animals and the earth and...... why?

great. hate everything. uneasy stomache.

any song sounds annoying. left ear hurts.

who gives a shit? ("i give a shit")

oh. old theory.

you turn into the shadowlands.

when a part of you gets damaged.

thats why they started on us so early.

so. alcohol is great.

because it ruins the ENTIRE body.

so you get the full treatment.

and its cheap. dirty cheap.

no such thing as a foodshortage.

its a boozeshortage.

dont know how to be normal.

dont know how to be gangster.

dont know nothing bout nothing at all.

should delete everything

except. WOAH. im fucking suicidal.

was that easy, huh?

and incest is this really fucked up thing.

and you dont talk about your mom when some girl likes you.

its not a good idea.

triple drama. everyone loses. the samson option.

lets play global thermonuclear war. there are no winners.

anyway. if you have an idea. do it. ignore everything else.

this is called science. this is called art. and thats about it.

i was thinking of starting to just throw out trash through my window.

as some sort of protest. well. i figured it wasnt such a good idea.

i mean, if its not too much. nobody notices nor cares nor complains.

you improve society! yeah! more jobs!

so. i was painting or whatever doodly retarded gay girlie wellness things.

and all of a sudden some new chick also ascribing to this stupidity.

says in a low calm tone.

white purple pink.

and im so great apart from everyone else. surely am.

so she said what my aura looked like. great huh?

the purple is from ("no its from spirituality")

my dead black decaying chipping wisdom tooth. i smell like blueberry jam. to put it lightly.

the pink is creativity. naivity. dont really know. dont care ("do care").

anyway. dont see the point of emotions.

everything can be faked.

känslomänniskor. emotional people. is a paradox.

oh. only 2300 lines. not a lot.

so. made a review of the cleverbot. but it doesnt matter. everybody knows.

like everything else.

why make art when everything exists already?

("to make people happy")

so. could post some outtakes on this on mr poetry site.

but the hope was lost. i got my second genuine comment.

well. it obviously wasnt that.

wanting people to listen you cant just tap them on the shoulder anymore you have to hit them with a sledgehammer and then youll notice youve got their in strict attention

as for saying stupid shit i came up with?

no. everyone knows everything.

if you make the unseen seen it gets obliterated.

("make it beautiful")

k. thanks.

so. played my favorite song to bella.

("youre both beautiful and happy. and smart")

its längesen by petter.

she yells "i had forgotten him".

dont remember more. maybe i came up with an equally shitty song.

stan (now in a modern witch house style)?

adams song? dont really know suicide music.

mass suicide, hecatonchires.

hey. found a pnb record once.

it had a neat futuristic paper cover and....... foliage

("believe in yourself. stop quoting me" i dont remember then "the point isnt to remember, its to feel")

k. great for you. atypicalentity50-11.

couldnt read the artist name. boomerang? i guess.

after half of the record. a weird sample comes up.

you dont want to listen to it.

well. dont have to be logical. show, dont tell. uh. tell, dont show?

cant grasp simple concepts ("no one can")

but then again, your mileage may vary. theres something deep in that.

but the vaccine treatment has killed my mind. and the drugs.

cant really tell between the two.

and its my fault. obviously. i am cyberchrist.

oh. right hand hurting. thats all for now.

i guess i should work on mr poetry site.

nobody cares. but hey.

poor starving forgotten artist.

("all hail" who are you? "you dont wanna know")

great for you. ("it is great. and you")