https://soundcloud.com/imperfexionixperfexion/sets/la-belle-epoque-del-8-av-24

La Belle Epoque, del 8 av 24, Kattsjäl

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an overall wellmade and calm record. it's not how i remember it

(but when you're up in production, you get blind - from all the demands which you set up, to the production, to the lyrics, to the sound design, to the burnetoutness after working hours and days and weeks on a project, bla de da. not that i cared much for it. i have ableton's creators to thank. an amazing piece of engineering. it just makes sense)

it has some hellish elements, but is still quite uplifting and chilly. "the triumph of understanding over bitterness", rings true again. i don't know if the title is right. i just wanted to make bella happy. i guess i succeded. beltom4ever. word. compared to my previous - and first relationship, which was about half a week. i never made much poetry about us (now in august 2021 i've written around 300 poems about bella), and i don't know if i made any songs about us at all. i onced asked in my naivity "you don't have anxiety", to which she bitterly responded, "i always have anxiety". but she was the starting point. i was now longer ashamed, for better or worse.

now i have a bigger problem though, my ear frequency is too high, i can barely stand anything but extratone. i guess when my frequency goes higher, there'll be something beyond that even. the last music i made was progressive reptilecore. when i listen to it now, it sounds slow as hell, but when you're stressed, everything seems to go so much faster. i read that the average dubstep song begins at 55 secs, so i followed that for a long time. tried to be mainstream. or rather, dancefloor friendly. i have some thousand listens on jamendo last i checked. it's download friendly. and creative commons. maybe some day i'll find my music in places and computers games and what have you. who knows. i'm not ready for it yet. I'm so mad at my aggregator, my average pay per month is on the lines of 10 cents (and having one record up costs 50$ a year, last i checked, wouldn't surprise me if they've raised the roof again. still, in nigeria they're on zombie frequency, or saharan maybe rather, so my music's been played there a lot. it's the first real one i made with ableton. negative feedback loop. i worked fulltime simultaneously, and drew the cover during the whole production time, then HDR'd it, changed around the colours, added some text, and figured i'd use a mean evil name. but it means the opposite. a negative feedback loop means when you stop chaos, stop evil, stop the shit that seems to have been going on forever. all hail gaddafi.). i mean, are you joking with me? in latin america, it was on the lines of 20-50x more pay per stream. from what i remember, there was only 1 bought song, namely the one about my first real best friend. we lasted 10 years.

i have newer besties though (bella, bella, bella, and.. bella). the weird things is, i still can't remember much about us. but he made my world. there was never anything sexual about us. karin jo made me a dress again, some black and white with real nice patterns. original. felt like silk to the skin. when i went to stockholm, guys looked into my eyes, and, i don't know, what did they see? a beautiful woman? i don't know. i guess so. it wasn't the smiling type. but it wasn't the disappointed one either. i've never felt that way before. also, when i used the sofia moniker on facebook, i.. a guy, i felt tension, heat, attraction. he defended me. like i've always wanted.

i met a strange guy, who said, that no, you're 57% woman. it all makes sense now. i am trans. i am neither guy or gal. just trans. transitioning (quantum physics, the observer law). there's a trans coop which meets at demokratipiloterna. i'm definately going. hopefully. some day. i need a new dress though. and good ones. cost 500. or 5000. or 50000. (a hindu wedding dress can cost millions.) i don't have that cash anymore. i don't know. cybergoth would be the ideal. but i don't know if i'm up to it. dudes and ladies. drink milk. lots. its main component is selen i think (and a white antioxidant, makes your grown-out hairs brighter, if you drink enough milk you get mother of pearl nails. yes. it's true.). a natural dietary supplement. synthesized or compressed ones don't work on me. the only thing that happens, is that i get tired. no matter which ones i try. i've now found a med that works. finally. anti-histamines. i figured if i took the whole bottle, there'd be an earthquake under my feet. but i never did that much. and i'm downgrading my frequency, thanks to haldol. i'm an artist. blue ray soul. nothing more. nothing less.

i was thinking about the joke "books don't write themselves", that if i was away from computers, internet, electronics, wifi, etc like in 2013-2015, maybe for a decade, my album would eventually appear in record stores around the world. but since i met bella, i don't want to be alone anymore.

the record is available on soundcloud. and bandcamp if you know your way around. and probably jamendo. under the moniker "imperfexion ix perfexion". what in asia is called wabi sabi. it was invented, when someone got tired of fixing pottery with just glue or the like. one person. can change the world. not the world. but do something for it. make a difference. if you affect one person it's worth it. anyway. they used gold instead. it is a reflection of our hearts. most hearts break at some point. you can glue it together with a new relationship. or just forgiving your partner. as bella and i do with eachother. maybe only in the amygdala. but the heart. at some point. somewhere. somehow. but i know it's with bella. no-one else and nothing else. except the computer. and music. that's enough for me. i don't need much food. if any. clear water clear skies clear thoughts. i looked at the moon the other day. and got the chills - but only in the parts of my body which are most damaged. so. my advice is. don't live forever. ruin your body. then you'll transcend. some day. somewhere. sometime. who wants a stone heart. who really does. i have no idea.

av Maria Sotz (ris och ros)

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La Belle Epoque, del 8 av 24, Kattsjäl

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