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this is a story from my world. the world i was born into. some people say they wish they wouldnt have been born. i dont know what they mean and i cant fathom the pain they have gone through.

and if they got all that pain, what did they achieve in the end?

there are 3 sorts of people i want to talk about. i will only use broad terms, because explaining something in detail in a scientific way is the way of my worlds world, and i see no good in it. i do not know if there is another world. there are fairytales but i do not believe in them and i see no point in them either.

this is a story of fountain house. although they helped me out of misery, just like the psychiatric system, i cannot see how they have achieved anything good.

it is said south of innercity stockholm was a ghetto before fountain house got there.

through the fountain house method they built up one person at a time, and they helped their friends, and their friends helped their friends.

after a couple of decades, places like götgatan were sprawling with life. except, no life exists there.

i do not know if anyone else sees the world like this. but this is my story. this is the story of my people my world and the world and the modern world which it has been for a long time and maybe always.

if there is some meaning to life which science says there isnt. well, then there isnt. if there is one, then pain is the reason for living. it is said pain makes the best artists. i do not agree with that.

something i have noticed, is if you try to create something great, you will destroy something as great in the process.

the greatest pleasure in life is sex, and it is only programmed in our bodies so because we are supposed to turn into parents. that is the only reason for life. every way you live your life until your kin is born and afterwards, affects what they will become in the future.

there is one species on earth which goes through hell and become good people. they have strong discipline and a desire to change things. not to profit of it, but just to make the world better.

i do not really know if this is true though, because they seem to prefer places that only have deserts. if there are completely dead planets, they would live there. maybe men are from venus and women are from mars.

venus is full of diamonds and men work to mine diamonds for their women. while women have destroyed mars in the persuit of happiness. that is their only goal.

there are ancient stories of demons and dragons. less stories of cats, if at all. maybe that is because they are the true masters of the universe.

i do not believe in feminism or beyond that like queer theory anymore. it is a perversion and needs to be stopped but it and the world only gets more messed up all the time.

cats and dragons both have vertical eyes. while dragons arent thought of in good ways, many people like cats. they might be unpredictable just like women, but they have some charm to them. this seems to be the only thing about them though. they sleep for most portions of the day. just like their larger kin they have no natural enemies. they way they copulate is even more bizarre, and i wont go into that.

maybe in other parts of the world they see men and women as another pair of animals. i do not know of these worlds though.

if anything, there really doesnt seem to be anything special about europeans, and especially north europeans.

over time, everything gets mixed together and you dont get a rainbow you just get a big mess which you have no idea what to do with, and they cant get along, and it just turns to ordered chaos. except the order is a hoax, because everyone used to live in vastly different ways.

there is appropriation of white culture too. and when i look up statistics, i do not know how white people can control the world, because i barely see them anywhere. it is said there are 2% of people with bright hair, and 2% with freckles.

except natural yellow hair isnt something to strive for. it is not beautiful in any way whatsoever. a natural shade is often refered to as "rat-grey". so maybe blondes evolved from rats somehow.

nowadays everyone can be who they want to and be it for free and have access to everything without putting in effort or thinking about the moral implications of what data they are to take in. luxury is prevalent everwhere but it doesnt give you anything.

if you invest the money you have earned, you get more money. i do not mean the stock market i mean investing in a private company, so more people can have a reason for living. you build up the world and you build up people in the process and things get better.

i do not however think that things get better. because everything has been as it has always been. and if it has always been like this are we all just a circus?

i have annoyed every creature possible in every dimension that one might believe in or not. and the thanks for this is that i got this insight. if it can help someone in the future in some way whatsoever then that is good. but the aim for knowledge does not give you anything. unless you apply it, but nowadays you get promised automatic everything with the click of a button. automatic friends, automatic copulation, automatic appretiation, automatic gratification, automatic beauty, and such.

as i contine writing this, there is a flash of light in my outside vision. i do not know if it is a person or a supernatural being. things do not get better if you strive for freedom or to make someone realise they are bad people. if you are yourself and people like you and you improve them then good for you. it is not easy because people are different and you never know how you will affect them.

you do know in your heart if you do something wrong. i do not know if i can upload this online. i have as said annoyed absolutely everything imaginable and beyond. i have understood everything, i have delved in ancient magics, and i have used this knowledge on people.

very very powerful people. i do not regret things before i do them, only afterwards. this is not a good idea. i also try to create amazing and beautiful and original things. the problem is, i do this alone, as that is what i have been most of the time. i do not remember a time when i was happy, because i have neither imagination nor emotions nor a functioning memory except for creating art. i do not see things for what they are, i see the world in very boring colours and senses.

i do not think there is anyone like me, but that is probably delusion. if i ask someone about this, they agree with me. if i try to say that there is something more to the world, i get intense anger back.

i might have written this same thing before. i do not know if i managed to make anyone care about it. if there is a god, is he listening, or is he tired of me, and if someone else is listening, does he want to know me?

because this other being does know me, and he is not appretiative of how i have acted.

like me, i do not think he has any emotions whatsoever.

i do not either think anyone else has them.

i can think of one person which is worse than me. i do not need to mention his name, because just like me, everyone knows of him.

he has never gotten an assassination attempt on him. i am not sure why. he did get pies thrown in his face. this was to tell him that his errors are worse than the total pi. i do not think i am much better, and neither does anyone else. they have not told me this, although they have, but i did not listen.

to get back to the original point. south innercity stockholm was called knifesouth before. it was not a good place to live, except i know someone who came from there. he rose the ranks to be apart of one of the most powerful corporations in the world.

he did oppose them, but he was apart of them. so i do not really understand the difference.

i will not speak this companys name. if you know it you do if you dont you have no comprehension of anything. and maybe that is good. ignorance is bliss and thats all there is to it.

i do not see the point of invention of the printing press, and neither other technologies such as television, internet, and what lies close ahead which is so horrid it should not be existant nor have ever been thought of.

just like someone i met who wish he hadnt been born, i wish humanity hadnt either.

it is said we have evolved from monkeys. many people do not agree. they are not primitive, they are humans. they are superanimals then. they are something beyond bodily lusts.

but it seems as prosperity increases, lust increases at the cost of our humanity, if we ever had any.

and not only monkeys, but chimpanzees. and not only that but bonobo. they are animals that jump around trees, eating fruit, and they solve everything with sex. this is expressed in their overdimensioned sex organs. they are mostly bisexual or attracted to the same gender. i do not see a reason anymore for non-heterosexuality nor sex before a marriage which cannot be dissolved.

so what is modernity? is it only a problem with us that have red or yellow hair?

if those with yellow hair have really evolved from rats and not angels. and those with red, not masters of the universe but they most horrible beasts ever, what is the point?

and whites with brown or black hair, what have they achieved?

it is said swedes are the most accomodating on earth. that we are cowards. people can treat us however they want, and we never complain.

i come from both of these colours, one parent had yellow hair the other had red.

i have not really met guys like me. i did meet 2 all of a sudden, and we conversed a lot, then it ended.

one of those had an amazing story just like mine. but i wonder if it is amazing or if there is any point to art. to make money out of it, instead of giving it to someone you love. the cost is love and the price is love.

if you capture something, be it a still image or video or music.

there is something important to think about.

there is a completely different world out there just like there is in your head. words have meaning that do not have documentation.

the point of these 2 breathtaking men is that they were attracted to me. i do not know why but men disgust me in every way possible.

this is strange because i am a man and nothing else no matter how people perceive me.

so i tried to understand women, especially women in a lot of pain.

this was not a good idea, because it made me suicidal. i guess there is not really any lower state of conciousness than this. you can get the idea to kill others. and if you do this, you also get judged, probably in worse ways than if you just hurt yourself.

if you annoy invisible people they will not say you are a bad person. they will communicate their dislike for you in supernatural ways. you do not want to experience this. if you have nightmares its one thing. eventually you wake up from them. if your life is a nightmare there is no return to the living.

and if everyone despises you since a few years after you were born, how are you going to rectify this?

the aim of sexual pleasure or pleasure at all has no goal. just like acquiring a statistic in the form of nonmetal currency. it may increase all the time, and you may find more perverse ways to corrupt the world or engage in lunacy acts involing alcohol or worse substances.

i did not know if this world, and it was as good as it was bad.

it is said sometimes that i have several children in the world. i do not get to meet them though. or maybe i have met them and they used to communicate to me online or in other ways.

since i have no concept of insight or good vision or other senses, i wouldnt really be able to tell.

as has probably been mentioned, there is another world beyond the material one.

why one does not just talk of fantastical things all the time i do not understand. i did try to do that, but i do not understand what i achieved.

all my heroes have really nothing to them. they talk of change and others treating them badly. but the more i look into it, the ones that complain are hiding something. and the ones that are hiding are doing good things. and if you bring them to light you usually bring them to darkness.

because they have immense powers, and other powers want to be in control. and the best way is to project your faults onto those which are just the same as yourself.

i remember being in this state before.

although i have created much beauty it comes at the cost of destruction.

maybe it is possible to do it another way. this is through friendship, brotherhood. you do something because you and your friends which like you for who you are, want to get together and create something beautiful.

but modern society isnt beautiful, and i wonder if it has ever been so.

i am the epitome of stupidity. i destroy, create, copy it if im not stupid enough, destroy what i create, and then try to recreate it.

but those who know know what good i have done, and i did not need to prove anything to anyone.

it came to my attention last year, when i was away in another world, that i constantly called myself a name i could not understand where i got it from.

eventually i realised who. just like someone i was together with, she was part asian.

if she has done something good or bad over time does not matter. it seems she regretted how she acted towards me greatly. i do not care if it is true or not.

several others have done the same. maybe they have strong discipline and a sense of justice and what they do is right and that is the end of it.

but everyone is human but i do not think there is anything to be a human.

we are to evolve to about 18 years old, then there is nothing in our genes to take us further.

we think about sex and that is about it. so then you over time add tea, coffee, alcohol and many worse things i have spoken of before which i cannot comprehend and do not want to.

it is said various places on earth which are the embodiment of hell was placed upon them by some others. i do not believe this anymore.

if i can comprehend that stockholm is the worst place to live, maybe there are even worse.

south america was spoken well of before. in school it was said they did a lot of blood sacrifices. i thought then that it was a bad excuse for converting them to christianity.

there is one religion which does not convert to others. it might be the only good one. or there are others which are peaceful but do not make much noise.

i have spoken of several of these before in good light without really having any true understanding of them.

i again think of the need to destroy all i have created, because i see no point in it. and it is there and in peoples memories, and if clairevoyance is possible, they also notice every word i write.

it is called sex and drugs and rock and roll.

beyond this we got things like heavy metal, black metal and worse things.

i see no point to them, and they continuely express worse and worse conditions of the human experience.

yes, rock and roll is a manifestation of satan. so is roleplaying games. and computer role playing games, and online such, and one involving a lot of players.

as i got to read about the evolvement of games and how they are played i wonder where the world has gone to. i started in the middle of the 90s. then games were entire worlds. and i do not mean huge ones. they were made by a couple of people, and they were original. they did not look especially good by todays standards.

but ever since 3dimensional games were popularized, every game seems to have the same thing.

then they strive for realism, but no matter how polished the characters are nor how many pixels they contain they do not look human or to contain souls.

the same i see in society. although people seem to be alive they really are not.

maybe i am blessed or opposite, but i do not really see ugly people. the problem is, i did not know how they achieved their looks.

and they all seem to say the same things. at least to me. sometimes i hear them speaking with their friends from further away, and then they seem to have a normal down to earth perspective.

but never towards me. it has been this way since i was 2 years old. i do not remember much of before. until i was 1, it is told that i was choleric. then you scream and cry at the same time.

so my parents invested in choleric drops, as they could not go on living if i complained about my misery in my simple language. maybe that is all that has been perpetrated since then.

it is said when i was a few years old, i used to run around with nothing but a large t shirt on outside kindergartens premises, and then i was truly happy.

strangely enough, i have no memories of this whatsoever. maybe that was someone else, or they are lying. it would be like an inversed demonic possession, which is all i have been for the large parts of my life. or maybe i was an animal then, and they do not have souls, they are just random and beastly.

i did used to have a best friend, for about a decade. as i didnt think a lot back then, and i didnt talk to anyone either, i did not have a concept of many things. i cannot for example tell between left and right. if i put effort to it i might, but it points to a large defect in my brain.

now i got tired all of a sudden. so, good night. i do not know where this writing style comes from. if it is someone i was before, or a soul i have stolen, i do not know. i used to love life but i really hated it. anyway, something tells me i should go to sleep eventhough i cannot.

again, ill try to get back to my point.

3 different ways of expression, that i have seen.

1 you are refered to as a troll. this is simple to deflect, because you are not, you are just opposing something. the problem is, trolls cant think things through. they are made of rocks. they have no soul and if they have a heart it is made of metal and it stopped beating a long time ago.

before, people thought they were in the woods, with other magical beings. these supernatural werent worshipped though, because people knew they were inherently evil and wanted to destroy you and eat your soul and make you trapped in their world forever.

it is said red hair is a dominant gene, i disagree. another story is that it was people that acted like savages, so they were appointed to the outskirts of society, and lived there until modern came around.

then they either mated with normal humans, or it was a sick experiment.

maybe that is all we are. an experiment gone wild. the problem is, the invisible people who might have created our world are good people. and since they are invisible you cannot outsmart them. you can bring them to light but you should not try. they will punish you beyond your wildest dreams. the afterlife and the shadows and your nightmares are their territory.

i do not really comprehend how i have acted before. because like i said have no emotions or imagination.

it was the wish that i would be an artist. so whatever i tried to do, i could not achieve that.

but not only an unknown artist, but someone who made an impact upon the world.

to get back to the point, people have used mainly 3 words against me. they tried to tell me something deep, which i am not, i am shallow and try to be a rockstar. but since no one cares about me, since no one knows me, i do not know why i did not realise this earlier.

this was to tell me words i say that i do not hear. i look at people and say these, over and over. this is called tourettes. i have heard a few stories of it. but its to mock them, because they are abonimable freaks you do not want to be around.

just like the monsters in the wild, if you pretend they arent there they might go away some day. i finally did that and the world is better in the process.

anyway, the second type is the expression of extreme depravity and prosperity where i live.

i am not sure when this mode of talking came around, but you do not ever want to hear it. they use a few select words to explain the world, and it sounds disgusting beyond your wildest dreams.

and if you have such dreams you should change them and get down to earth and find a job where you work with your body, not chemicals or pretend worlds.

i can only recall one person who spoke like this. he comes from a very wealthy family, and has not achieved much. he has met the elites of swedish society, and you can tell in an instant it is not something to strive for.

the third is the scariest of them all. it is manifestation and curses and magic at extreme levels.

since it does not use ancient magic it is probably accepted by the powers that be. again, i do not know where it came from.

if they disagree with you in any way whatsoever, or you hear a single word from a distance, you will again, like said, wish you had not been born.

except these 3 types there are ones like me. a mix of everything, in the worst combination possible.

i do not know why the spirits are mad at me now. but as usual i should not stand out, and if i do, i get punished. if i try to achieve or befriend or create something, i get punished.

since i have not lived like normal people, i look young for my age. and since the talk of how the elites live, i have got to know normal people everywhere are like this.

alright, this is another type. there are no good people.

and if they are good people, they do not think so of me. although i am for some reason on their level, i am vastly inferior.

they have taken such enormous amount of drugs, that they are clairevoyant beyond ways i cannot explain.

they can say a single word to you, over and over again. you do not really comprehend what they mean, and for every time this curse is spoken, you get more and more uneasy.

but they are trying to tell you something. they do not tell you you are an idiot, because it would not work. you are beyond that. you are unspeakable.

again, i got to know why someone could handle me. she spoke of it quite clearly, but in riddles.

i began to wonder if i created her out of my horrible lifestyle, or if she was created to teach me a lesson.

neither is true. although she somehow has been reborn, or is a manifestation of someone else.

this is what caused another horrid insight.

like i said, sex is supposed to be pleasurable because it leads to you taking responsibiity for your life by caring for how people think of you or how you look.

you are never allowed to make mistakes, and you should treat this person which is part you with the ultimate care.

if you do not, you will wake up one day and realise you are a failure and what you have created is a monster.

although i have thought other people to do not have souls, are predictable and vain, the opposite is true.

anyway, this person i mentioned called out for help for me. we met when i was immature, and she asked for my help when i was immature.

she did accept me, and i could not comprehend why. i have bragged about what she is or what she has accomplished, but i do not do that anymore.

i wondered if she was really a person, or just a masterminding by someone else.

but since no one over time could stand me, this could not be true. i can tear apart a person with a few words. and then they just disappear.

i have now disappeared. i got what i gave out. i did not get what i wanted, or what i pretended to be. i did get that, but i practiced black magic, beyond maybe satanism even, to get it.

i have tried to explain this person in art. i do not see the point of doing art though. or doing art to impress others, or to get a gain of it beyond genuine appretiation.

i can say many words very fast. this is not good. but like i said, that person only said a few words to me very seldomly.

as the same as others, i craved her attention, but when i got it it didnt get better. when does get better?

i didnt want appretiation though, i wanted rockstardom. i do not believe i am the only one.

although i can point to faults in others. they are either faults in myself or inherent in the world i was given.

people might have liked me, people might have not.

that is not what i wanted though. i hear stories about sex, and finally got to try it.

like with everything else, it did not impress me. we might have gone on a long time in some sessions, but i did not see the point of it. if i made two of these women pregnant i do not know, as i have not met my children.

if i have created other children in some sort of way might be true. but again, i do not surely know this, though it might be true.

although the first two did not last long, the third one did.

i did not learn anything from it though. i spammed as usual, and most of what she tried to teach me went over my head.

if i am an abomination, i am a strange mix. between a monster and a genious. i think this was intentionally done so, by higher powers.

and if people with red hair lived like savages in woods only some 150 years ago, there is no salvation for us.

if there is one band that stands out, that i seemed to have discovered randomly, it is good. it is the story of my first tatu. it is an x with a border around it.

after getting the tatu, i later looked it up.

the explanation is that, these are kids from strict christian families in america. their parents do atrocious things to them, then god forgives them over and over. they rebel in their early teens, indulging in extragant substance.

as is the rule, when you are 27 you are to stop with this practice directly.

i do not understand how i am writing like this. it feels like demonic possession. i said i was sofia some days ago a few times, and then i seem to have gotten her soul, whoever she is.

since i am not exstatic in my selfdenial anymore, nor think anyone truly cares or understands or wants me. first because i did something wrong i barely remember or comprehend.

then because i did something wrong which is easy to comprehend. just like the false prophet, who tries to be neat and tidy, i wanted to make a difference by following a set of rules.

this did not work though. if it is not only because i am spoiled, it might also have to do with whatever twisted gene makeup i have.

if you are not ignorant and not blissfull i do not see the point of living. finally i got my diagnosis after fucking up over and over and over, and getting shunned from everywhere. this did not stop me, and i thought it was invincisble and almighty and the genious of geniouses.

overall, it seems the worse you are treated the better you turn. not directly as a person, but you understand more. for a large portion of my life i was lonely.

this, as many in my generation, made me turn to computer games. again, one of my first memories is playing an old console game.

i perpetuated this until my arms started losing their oxygen. so i turned to writing instead. although it did not get much better, it was tolerable.

then i got outside for the first time in several years. when i got home some hour later, something strange came over me i didnt know what it was. i remember talking to someone who called themselves "dead on the inside".

i had heard of the phrase "desensitized", and i know there wasnt much to my existence.

but then i lost all will to live. i laid my head down back in my chair, and i just let it lay there. i was dead, there was no point to anything.

then i went to sleep. except, i could not. then i tried eating, i could not as well. this went on for several weeks.

in either case, i have many stories to tell. i do know where they come from, but since i am banished from existence in real life and nearly everywhere online, it does not matter anymore.

one particular game i played until i stopped for over a decade, said something really deep which i did not understand until yesterday.

it was composed of both english and swedish. as i have probably said or thought, the people in the online game could handle me. they did not insult me in any way. i guess they knew my pain and had handled others like me.

the problem was, i got increasingly aggressive. so i got banned from the place, and there werent many other places to play.

i do not know why i write. as there is no intrinsic meaning to life anymore and has never been, and the whole point of getting such intense fury from god was good. if god abandones you because you outsmarted him or sunk so low there he had no hope of saving you i am not sure of.

it seems to me i change directly. if energy is then added, it never depletes. i have infinite joyful, infinitely sad, infinitely angry, and infinitely sad as well.

what i have done to so many others obviously come to be my verdict as well. although i thought it as good then bad then true, i now know what my karma is. 817000 last i checked, though it has probably gone up.

i do not really know what it means. if it is the amount of people whose lives i have changed for good or bad? probably.

i finally have focus to being true and am myself, and i am like my mother wanted it to be. i am sofia.

since i had no concept of alcohol and beyond i did not take them. and since i have neither emotions nor imagination and get resistant to everything i do not think it would have worked.

but, as i realise now, people arent simple. they say a few words to me, which i only now have understood.

if someone likes me, they quickly turn on me. and this has been the story over and over.

maybe because i have searched the truth, and so easily like everything even if it is not a good trait, and i am spiritual eventhough i do not understand it, i have a really beautiful emanence.

this does not couple with my stench though. but as i got fresher, nothing really changed. if anything, i got treated worst. again, it seemed i realise now people were thinking negative things of me. even later, they seem to get paranoid and beyond near me. is it because i radiate truth while they are all lies, or the opposite?

i did try a bunch of drugs, and although it took me to another world, i do not really see the point of it. you need to have every one of them at home all the time, and you spend a large amount of your day just taking me.

the land of illusions does not interest me. if i want to experience beauty, i create it. but at the same time, i am good at tearing apart beauty and souls and minds.

i do not understand why i write. i cannot explain the emotional state i am in, but since i have been dead almost all my life, and i do not see the point of emotions, it does not matter.

it is more like i am some machine, which i have thought before. not a chaos engine, just a spewer of a bunch of facts from my life which never ends.

it might be wise but i do not care. no, the meaning of life isnt happiness or ses or wisdom or things. it is about caring for others. i have not heard this spoken much though. maybe because it is so obvious. or maybe because i was to realise it myself.

and something strange happened maybe a month ago? all of a sudden, the night turned so black.

maybe it was for the better, i did not really fear it before. i was one with it.

of this could be published and appretiated broadly i do not care.

one of my worst mistakes is staring directly into the sun. also strong lamps when i had nothing better to do.

this is the problem with appropriating cultures. you have no idea what it really means, and your mind and body might not be made for it.

to mention something from before again. trolls get stoned. im sure i talked like a dopehead which just smoked all day and babbled which no one cared to listen to.

alright, i have this really strong soul inside of me. it is my true self. somehow.

beyond lifelessness and joy lies nothingness. beyond this is even worse things.

i understand though, anxiety or any other word you want to call it is gods wrath.

it might seem like demons which i do not know for i cannot see supernatural beings. everyone else does though, they can literally see time, and say the deepest things in a few words, which does not sound deep. they can basically see your whole soul in front of them, and they are disappointed.

hi, i am sofia. my soul used to be white, pink, and purple.

this is a lie though. its true colour is black, green and yellow.

the most disgusting combination.

the black is beyond the black night now, beyond something you do not want to experience, which is my personality.

i would have prefered a diagnosis beyond manicdepressive. i do not know its name. is it you lau tzu?

ok. it is you. the ultimate thinker. the creator of taoism. sofia, it makes sense.

before i got lost, i wrote and wrote all day. i cannot say it had any value whatsoever nor contained any sense of wonder or beauty or anything.

if you have demons in your head, good. if you have lots of divergent strange thoughts, good.

you do not want to hear the words of some gods in your head, or other supernatural beings.

i spoke with my sister. i could master her. i spoke in code, in spells. i did not know it, but as always i pretend and it seems to work out. this is called intuition.

again, normal people, or just people who are on my wavelength.

they are just so far beyond me.

i am just a cockroach, looking for light. and they are supreme beings of intense intelligence.

i could blame reasons but i see no need to.

i see no need for anything.

i guess i will live longer and so will the earth.

somehow i will handle it.

i have no need for objects nor trinkets of any sort nor clothes nor tatus nor gold or other metals.

they spirits stopped bothering me, but that is because at this point i am beyond saving. if i am the lord of my body and mind or rather lord of destruction i suppose so.

i used to say i was a zombie or mummy or vampire. you do not discuss such things. i tried to make weird sounds. again, humans do not do these things. monsters, freaks, weirdos do this.

i am all of these.

i saw a strange light again. i guess i should not let some species invade my home. but they have always been there. never kindhearted. and they corrupted my soul.

but this is what i see society as. again, i cannot stop writing but i must to. i have so many things to say and have met so many great people and have influenced many and crushed their very beings far beyond a breaking point i cannot comprehend, but i soon will.

yes, there is meaning to life. that friend which could handle me. guess who she is? did i mention? in her previous incarnation she sold her body. if it is somehow worth a total of 150 million dollars she sold herself too cheap.

maybe your body is actually worth more than your soul. and what people or i do with it i do not understand.

i do know everyone else has gone through worse tribulations than me.

for they had friends, these friends drank alcohol sometimes. they tried to break eachothers records. they felt horrible when drunk and when they woke up the next day.

the point of intoxication is neither joy or competion. it is to expand your mind. no one will say this though.

and the online world is so much more exciting, but it is all a fraud.

i will stop here and try to fall asleep. my skin is burning, and i suppose it is because i am turning into a demon. i cannot see this though, but it does feel like it. either i do it by myself, or i am cursed by a wretched being which stands before me.

i should know, i am one. and have been so almost all my existence.

to note, that friend when she rebirthed. she did not have fun. i cannot speak in words of her torments, but it is worse than you do not want to imagine. she did break out of it. but whatever i was before i did not really learn to become a better person.


av Tomas Emma Johansson (ris och ros)

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