Självbiografi försök 2 del 2
hi hello there whoever. i was reminded of something. there was a true blonde in my class in school. and by that i mean she was like me. she did not hang out with the geeks but she seemed to be a mix of everything.
and as usual as i got to know, a guy treated her badly. she did not retaliate. then he said something good, and maybe they got together.
i wish i could write like yesterday. whatever style i used to write for awhile was flawed.
i will try to write a self biography. i do not believe it will get published, as there is only 1 new author added in the roster per year in sweden.
that woman was not coldhearted. she was called a dumb blonde though. but as i have got to know, women know more than they show. maybe she and that guy are together now, and he has gotten to learn something about life. or maybe he just continues the lie and beats her senseless every day because he thinks he is right and justified and knows all.
i understand now. everyone you meet has a purpose. if you meet a lot of people it can turn confusing, because how are you supposed to understand them all?
this goes back to the story of wolves wreaking havoc upon sheep. they are more powerful than the sheep, and can do whatever they want.
maybe the mythos of werewolves is similar. a mix between a man and a beast turns into a monstrosity.
it is said lady justice measures your good versus bad actions. you cannot cheat your way out of this. she does this, then you get your verdict.
she looks through all you have felt, all you have said, all you have done, everywhere you have been, what you have achieved, how you have treated everyone, if you have done any art and how it was created and the impact it had. when you have told truths, when you have told lies. in what way you told these truths, in what way you told these lies. if you told the truth to a lot of people, did it make them into better people? if you told a lie to a lot of people, did it make them into worse people?
lady justice does this, and she does it correctly.
this is one story i have heard of the afterlife. there are surely others. in more ancient ones, it can for example be a godlike being, who comes to you when you have gone into another realm. and he plainly asks you things. for example, "have you ever lied?".
you could lie about not having lied, but this creature is supreme, he will read your body language. if you get in the mood to lie, but are uncertain of what to say, he will use this to judge you.
he will ask you about other things and your achievements and your failures. how you answer is up to you.
again, those unusual people who live in the desert. they have an older way of instilling respect. instead of putting on a show with lies to get people to their side, they give their lives to make people understand they have done something wrong.
i emphasised with them, as the whole western european american white world, did not seem to appretiate their way of life.
the white man did everything in his power to destroy them. it did not work.
what happened was, people just stopped appretiating people which somehow were said to different from them.
this can be both good and bad, because some act like they are masters in a place where they do not come from.
they try to compensate this by taking in people whos country they have wrecked, to their own home.
this is quite strange, and does not stop the country as a whole from receiving judgement.
so, is the most prolific religion in the world really good for anything? and are people who they say they are? or are they have two sides? do they suffer from bipolarity, or is it not a disorder for them?
i could have started writing this in swedish, because it is after all my mothertongue.
but i have roots from a place some way above my birthplace, and another one further away.
looking further into my history, i got to know people who sounded like oaks. i know that sounds odd, but they were calm and wise.
i abused my calmness, and i abused my wisdom. i do not say this to get repentence, i am merely speaking of the truth.
again, as has been mentioned, i have roots from an even colder place. it is said there that if you act badly, they can erase you from history.
this does not to say they have some supernatural power where they do that.
there are many ways to turn people into shadows. i achieved this many times before, and i am not proud of it.
but maybe i did not abuse my power, it is inherent in who i am.
to speak of starsigns. it is said i am an ox.
i did not look further into this early on, but have learned some things about another part of me.
there is no such thing as being anonymous, and there is nothing inherently bad in hate.
for if it is the opposite of love, it is just the other side of the same occurance.
the thing thought of light vs darkness. of the world of work, and the world of play.
it is very easy to make a difference. if you exist somehow, even if you do not express yourself in a usual sense, you will still do so.
i have worked very hard to make one particular person happy. then i abused her trust, over and over, and i did not really understand what was going on.
she is superior to me, and i should have understood the signs brought forth to me.
if you want to get somewhere, you have to go there yourself.
it is not easy and it might not be the right thing.
there is nothing worse than being in a place you do not want to be, and doing nothing to escape.
it can also seem that when you fight back, the chains on your body and mind get strenghtened.
it is simple though, you have abused your brotherhoods advantages.
there are many followings in the world, and many of them do not have their rules in a simple book you can read and you understand everything.
before, many people could not read. so there were people who did, and they were supposed to be rolemodels.
you decide yourself who your rolemodel is. when you are young you might not know better, but as you turn older you have a choice.
then you get many choices. if you choose the easy one, or the one in shadows, or the choice someone has chosen for you, you need to ask yourself why.
if it seems you have no choice, what do you do then?
you can oblige your masters, or you can create a language which sounds like theirs but it is really not.
they will at first not understand what you mean, but after awhile they do. when they try to talk further to you, you say more things, and they get confused further.
i thought my brotherhood had treated me badly. this is not possible. they are my brothers and nothing else.
as is possible in the modern days, you can easily create, but just as easily destroy.
it is said before, that everyone on earth was connected to everyone else by means of 6 friends.
with social media, this number was reduced to 3.
again, if your friends and friends friends and so on do not appretiate what you are doing, you need to ask yourself why.
it can be said we still live in a patriarchy, but maybe it has switched.
women have more rights, they have more freedoms, and they have more money.
this is not true matriarchy though. matriarchy is
i have tried indulgence as a means to an end.
if blondes are truly angels and redheads are beasts, i am a mix of these.
you cannot steal a soul then regret it and try to remove the evidence of it then bring it back.
this is what i have done though, over and over.
although being skinny is something to strive for, it has a limit. when you go beyond this limit you turn grotesque instead.
if you go further beyond this, you get to a completely different place.
if you ever come out of it, you turn into a good person.
again, i thought that everyone was a good person, except myself.
because i am a mix of the best possible and the worst possible.
maybe this is true for everyone. i do not know this because i cannot understand people, and they say and do whatever they feel like, in whatever way, and it is not for me to judge them.
there is inherent power in everything, and of course to words which i might have spent most time on.
if you manifest something, it might turn true.
before i thought that everyone was putting on a show, but they also thought so of me. except, they seemed to inherently know everything about me. they did not say this in broad terms, so i continued the lie.
i might be really powerful, in anything i say or do.
at one point i did meet my superiors. they talk like this in everyday conversation.
there is supreme power in their language. they can, like i have mentioned many online who infuriated me, speak in only a few words.
if you fail them, in any way whatsoever, just by being near them enough to hear what they are saying. then you are doomed.
i do not understand them, nor the world they live in. it is best to keep quiet as much as possible. if you want to make a change to the world, you do that. then you are done.
there is no point in trying to impress people or make them think you are something you are not.
because people know who you are. you cannot hide it. if you try to punish someone who speaks the truth about you, you are in big trouble.
i have now understood there is a deep meaning behind anxiety.
if something happens then it happens, you just cant make it go away. and if it does go away, it will get replaced by something else. this something else is usually not better.
if you are a boxer, you get challenges. you might win some, and then you might lose eventually.
then you have to ask yourself, is the fight worth it? what do i achieve?
you win sometimes, and you lose sometimes.
if your only desire is to win, what do you achieve in the end?
if someone has more power over you and your friends, or even your people or country.
then you have to ask yourself why.
your superiors might put on a mask that they are corrupt, dumb, foolish and self absorbed.
this is an image brought upon you by others. you do not know their true self.
again, if someones bad character is brought to light. it is not to judge them, it is to teach people that maybe they should not act in this way.
if there is a shadowpeople who do atrocious things. then you have to ask yourself if you are not like them.
but if the only thing which exists is judgement, you have a problem.
i could have tried the alcohol based way of life earlier, but i do not think it would have made anything better.
as i was alone, and i was not like others. i had a greater purpose.
it was in plain sight, at least online. i did not care for this though. instead i, as has been mentioned much in modern times, appropriated something from far away, from a completely different way of life.
if you look to who are popular, it seems like they are cherrypicked. one from there, another from there, different looks, different characters.
if they truly are talented or unique or want to change the world, i do not know.
my problem is that i get angry, and i also get sad easily.
i did not used to be angry. of course you do get angry, but it comes in many varities.
one of these is having no emotions. you get to know something you do is not right. it does not have to do with emotions per say.
it does not have to do either with something you do say.
it does not have to do with how you are clothed.
i have not read many books nor taken in much other media.
and as i think back, it does not seem like i inherently change at all.
when change comes around, it seems to be instanteous.
another word for alcohol are spirits.
to me, it seemed drunk people were primitive and lacking of soul. this is only the image which was presented to me.
i did not delve much into their world, and it did not seem to be for me when i tried.
as i look back to how i have affected people and the world, i do not know if i should be proud of myself.
i was introduced to someone who was both smart and disgusting.
eventually i turned into him without knowing.
i also thought a place could get better. again, i tried to vanquish a person from there. the same thing happened, i turned into him.
i see no point in anger and its expression onto the world.
although i do not see the world as random, if you are dumb enough, you can create much havoc.
this is called anarchy, or chaos.
modern society was created to stop this from happening.
but you get to know that it still does, and these are bad people. but again, they are a reflection of the world, of you. whatever you see you are supposed to see.
if you have a choice, you need to ask yourself what you are watching. because someone else might be watching you, and they are disapointed with you. they cannot directly say this, because you have a free will.
eventually this freedom gets taken away. again, this is the basis of society. it is the basis of every species.
if you notice someone is alike to you, you might treat them as a brother.
i could say that those who were to take care of me did not. but they did how they did it, from their point of you.
again, i do not believe in lies. everything affects you and the world, and i thought it was only for good.
as i think back, i wonder if people who i thought were friends were truly that. and if there ever was someone on my side.
if you find someone who enjoys indulgence and says they are your friend, you need to ask yourself why.
although i tried to avoid a world which seemed not for me, i was still there.
if society does not aprove of you, you might go to a dark place.
this place is neither better nor worse than any other. but is more extreme.
when you get happy you get more happy, and when you get sad you get more sad.
again, it has felt like i needed repentence for playing computer games.
i do not see the need for them. i do not know what i would have become if there were not computers and the internet though.
i also do not know if i was in a world where it was not so easy to create alcohol and what that world would be.
i used to talk a lot. i did not remember my dreams much, and i did not seem to have them often.
as my way of life was trying to impress people by speaking a myriad of percieved truths and amusing thing, i revealed my dreams.
and i do not mean hopes or aspirations or what my family wanted of me, though i have done that as well.
i can remember a short dream i had, and it spoke of a completely different world. i told this to someone, and he took a few seconds to respond, then he said my dream was gone.
i cannot say he stole it, but i gave it to him.
it is said in the world of dreams, time fluctuates.
if you control your dreams, it seems you can do anything.
this is not good for me, as i am chaotic.
if there is a greater world out there, i should not be the master of it.
i thought recently that the world was a lie, or like the computer games i used to indulge in to a large degree.
maybe the world is a lie, but what am i supposed to do about it? could i quit it and somehow stop existing, and then everything would be alright?
there are tales of this other world, and they do not sound like a fun place to live.
beyond religion are similar followings.
the way you act is the belief you manifest.
eventually, you will turn into however you act.
you will become a greater being.
just like we are composed of many parts, everything that exists also are such.
this can be called a town or country.
but it is much more complicated than that.
just like when writing this i do not want to mention names.
words are manifestations of tangible things, and proper names are manifestation of tangible things which have a lot of inherent power.
there is a reason you do not talk of bad people.
because they are strive to get attention. if they do not get that, they will get more extreme.
that is said you should not try to heal them.
but as they are chaotic, they will destroy everything which gets in their way anyway anyhow.
at some point somehow they might meet a superior which does not judge them.
it is said everything happens for a reason and it is up to you to read the signs.
the world is not a lie and everything has inherent value.
just like looking into something you realise more about it, it is like this in the world.
if you do not agree with a particular view of something, you can stop listening.
the problem is when people talk badly of you.
it might seem like they do not care for you, as you do not meet them. if you do meet them they do not confront you.
i have heard if you do something wrong, you get punished.
judgement works in many ways though.
i thought that somehow i was immune to this, and was a free person, that i was good, and was a good rolemodel.
nothing else could be further from the truth.
the people who hate my guts live everywhere around me, and have always done so.
it is impossible for life not to be fair. it is life and that it is all there is to it.
although people might seem like liars, they say things to show you signs.
it is up to you to read these signs.
if you spend a large portion of your life lying, you have to ask yourself where you end up when life ends.
because life does not end.
the only thing which seems true to me, is that life turns both better and worse at the same time.
you can judge people for their actions, but i now know things happen because they are supposed to.
i did believe this before. i do not know if i had a life before this one, but i seemed to not be like others.
some have a path layed before them. in older days, you continue doing what your family had done.
you perfected the craft. maybe souls did not exist back then, and you were just a mix of your parents.
you made a particular way of life better. you made your craftsmen and your brothers proud of you.
of course it existed people who stood out before.
sometimes i realised things before. i thought this made me special. i collected these things in books. i did not get them published. i removed them. the books i have published a few if any people have in their possessions.
i do not know if they care for them.
i can only recall 1 book by 1 person who does.
i thought she was real and strange and i tried to make her happy.
it did not seem like she had anyone around who was like that.
you are not to speak truths you are to speak beauty.
since beauty turns ugly if it is copied, you also have to be original.
the world does not seem to be beautiful. when you are young you are supposed to use bright colours, then when you get mature your colours are black and nothing else.
this speaks of the the society that i live in is not healthy.
it is so easy to find despicable things online easily. this quickly turns into a hole, which you dig deeper to find some meaning.
just like beauty and its opposite ugliness, you do not get content with being a bad person.
because just indugling in perversion is not enough. it has to be worse and worse the whole time. if you think you are dead inside, it is always possible to die more.
i heard of another country where they used bright colours.
i do not know if this is better, because the clothing they used wasnt made up of organic matter, it was made my an animal.
this animal has been spoken of in great ways. if you abuse even one of these, atrocious things can happen globally.
one might say there are corrupt people in the shadows which might atrocities happen.
although it might be true in some sense, you also have to understand, that just like the internet, everything is linked together.
if something happens somewhere, it also happens at another spot.
although bad is said to turn better over time, you cannot think that doing bad will not have a consequence.
but if you do bad to things to people who have been bad before, there is no evil in the world.
and if there is evil and good, eventually both will disappear.
in the world of animals, you have to protect yourself or you die.
although what i have gotten presented to me that the human world is not like that, i now wonder.
i was given a choice to lose any emotion. and that i was to become immortal.
this did not seem to come from a demon. in my mind i thought that the people which had treated me badly would be punished.
i did not say yes because i believe in the inherent goodness of everyone.
it is said when you close your eyes you see the one who is meant for you.
i have never done this. at one point i went over the border, and got scared of the dark.
but since the darkness is just a reflection of your own darkness, you will have to try to understand yourself.
part of this darkness is a reflection of someone who does want me. i do not understand that persons world though it is reflected in others, who i have emphasized the most with.
the problem with losing emotions is i did not have them. if there is a greater purpose mine was to make my brothers happy with me.
i did not understand this.
but this goes for most of my life. whatever i wanted i did not get. but maybe i was looking for things i should not have.
and someone somehow wanted to push me in the right direction. i do not really nor have ever believed in brotherhood or that you should make your family proud.
it seems much better if you are yourself. but the collective wants something other for you.
you can tell people they are bad, but this is not how the world works.
you can even kill someone because you think you are justified in your actions.
when you read a story you have to judge it based on what it is truly trying to tell you.
later in my life we had something that was not hailed by anyone i heard of, and was pushed by the powers that be that are supposed to be the most wretched you can think of.
i was told that i had made a difference. during the time i mentioned a great new song was made. if rock and roll music is an expression of demons, it is just as much angelic.
i do not really understand where creativity comes from. it is not something you learn and then you do it. you can spend however much you want on something, but you will realise it has no merit.
it is not beautiful nor original. because these two properties cannot be measured. they can not be put into a formula.
if it formulated, it loses its soul. what soul is is of course impossible to explain, and can only be known but not spoken.
i am not sure what thoughts are. if i get a simple thought, i can try to express it. the dumbest thing is just saying it out loud or trying to manifest it on anyone or anything.
if you think the world is on fire and say it, what is your goal? if someone somehow believes you, what have you achieved? you do not know the truth and even if you do the truth is for you to know not anyone else.
because truth is purpose. if you find the world shallow you might look for depth. but it is just a bottomless well. you do not want to know what is at the bottom of it.
it is said people are judged immorally. but if judgement is the only thing that exists, how would this be possible?
the first real thing, which seemed to be made to happen to me, was in the beginning of what is called the new millenium.
as i was not inherently wise in the ways like others, i did not see the true implications.
i came home from school, where i had gotten educated in something, and it was also the end of the course. this was about how the media so called runs the world. i turned on the television which i seemingly did back then, and changed to a news channel. i cannot really remember what i was like then, except that i was lonely.
as i started to see the news, it spoke of a particular power word aimed at a particular populace. i realised this word was not true nor aimed at the right people.
then i went online, to one of the most wretched sites on the internet. although i realise now there are much worse, i did not know of them nor would i want to now.
then the same things were presented there that i already knew inherently.
school did not work for me, and has not for many others.
it seemed obvious to me that the power exherted by the teachers was manifested in the ones who were one step below them.
in my world, these were the bullies. there were teachers and bullies and geeks, and that was about it.
i have not heard many stories from other parts of the world so i should not pretend like i know.
there were bullies and bullies who bullied bullies, and a few geeks who were separated by gender. i do not know of how the female geeks acted towards eachother as i am sure i have never heard them speak nor remember any of their words if they did ever speak out loud.
i am not sure it was always so, but my geek friends, we started to bully eachother.
and as has happened with bullies, you eventually get removed from the following you were in.
what then happens is you are left with nothing. i did have parents and they were married to eachother and did not break up until one of them died.
although i have heard stories from both sides, they were my parents, and whatever they did or not did was for the better.
and as can happen, their stories unfolded onto mine.
i heard in the older days of teaching through physical penalties, you had 3 choices.
either you did as you were told and maybe you were good at it. these people turned powerful, but their parents already were that, so it was just history repeating itself. i cannot say this is bad though. if your family acquires wealth through hard work, and they do not waste it all but safe it for a future generation, it is not bad.
another way, as you did not do as you were told or were not good at it and got berated in front of the class. i do not see the point of it nor what these people turned into. i do not want to know this world but i have heard of it. someone spoke of it, and then it seemed like society as a whole changed.
i have tried to speak these truths to others and they might have cared but usually didnt. now i am trying to speak of my world if it is the last thing i do. i do not know if i will be finished, because if you look into numbers you will see a greater picture.
it is quite easy and when i look further back in my family tree these people knew of numbers power.
that is not to say you should abuse numbers or see them as meanas to an end. but also if someone is rich or powerful it is for a reason, and that reason does not have to be negative.
my family were neither rich nor particularly clever. later down the line they did amass wealth, and rose in class. this is the ultimate objective of life, and i have not used the qualities inherent in my family or so called fate to improve the world.
since judgement and things like sadness and anger speak of something greater, i do not see them as bad in any way.
i wondered if the world was really true or someone was playing mindgames with me. although i did not use drugs per say i did use something which did give you insight.
then i used a chemical which i later realised my cloesest one did as well. i can speak bad words of that one, but we are a reflection of a coin, and although the sides can seem different, they are still the same coin. they are still the same, and they achieve everything in the same way.
i can speak of bloodbrothers and twinflames and true sisters and who i was supposed to be or in other terms.
these things are obvious to normal people but they do not speak of them. because they are normal. they go to school then they work then they drink then they get a family and then they acquire wealth and items and this is not wrong on any level.
they die happily and their family continues and things get better over time.
i can speak ill of being damaged by something i cannot see. others might be possible to see these things, but i was protected against them.
since i was neither unique nor normal. i was something inbetween, and that is not something you should strive to be. because if you are invisible you can do whatever you want.
but again if you do whatever you want, it is not you who do it, there is a plan and no matter what you do you it will lead to an end result which is one of some outcomes.
the world is neither infinite nor endless. in some ways it might be, in some ways not.
if you are given a choice and do not take it, or if you are presented with choices which seem impossible to reach, you have to understand why.
yes, the world of rock and roll is the place of demons. they do not act like normal people, because normal people are normal.
demons and angels live in the same world. they are just more extreme than us. they have more imagination and more emotions.
since i do not have either this is really strange. after awhile it did not really seem like you could die. that your body could die. i have spoken of it in shallow language and thought i could make a difference that way.
i have perpetuated horrible deeds over and over. it did not seem like i was judged by this at first.
the ultimate judgement is that you hear voices. this seemed strange because i thought everyone did so. but they do not speak of this world.
the thing is, people speak in riddles, everyone. even if someone says they like you to the degree that they want to start a family with you and spend the rest of your lives together you should ask yourself why.
i was presented with this option early on. i do not know what would have happened if it came true.
there are angels and dark angels and there are demons and good demons.
i might not really be able to tell them apart. as is said, something bad over time turns good.
this does not mean the world is evil. and it does not mean some greater force steals your soul for its purpose.
for me, it is inherent in how everything works. god does not allow black magic and that is for a very good reason. i did not really understand what black magic was but finally did.
during the time i was in the worst misery ever, as it felt like i was lonely in this great world where did not fit in. i wandered around aimlessly and my only purpose seemed was to wreck destruction everywhere while not really achieving anything.
during the same time, a great work of fiction was created. i finally found out about it yesterday. the place where i looked at it, the statistic said it had been watched nearly 1 billion times.
i cannot say i am better than anyone else nor that i come from a powerful family and i cannot say powerful people are bad. because i believe everything is as good as it is bad.
but you can pass over the border because you think things do not have a consequence.
the fiction was made of a name which is an artist but since words are a representation of tangible objects they speak more than so.
another work by this artist was presented. it is in jocular fashion but i did not find it amusing nor the real point to it.
if cats are an invasive species and women in my world are the representation of the society i live in while dogs are of men.
then i am a mix of these. as i said i was given the choice of immortality.
i did not see the underlying powers of the system so i could not choose it because i could not fight it with the way i tried was the ultimate expression of power.
beyond simple language which speaks many words are few words. the less words you use the more inherent power there are in them.
i have spoken of what i thought was the first language. it did not seem like many other unseen that i should present its truth to impress someone. but i did what i should not do, i continued the practice.
i have wanted tatus for a long time. i am not sure it was my choice nor their inherent multiple meanings.
great works of fiction speak of other worlds. you cannot explain them easily nor with clumsy phrasing.
there are many worlds possible to find these days, in an instant.
i have told people that i am from a different world but i do not know.
if legends and false prophets do exist i am sure i am composed of both of these. because a belief system which can be easily expressed in an easily to be written pictogram says this.
if you get drunk there is something to remember. you should not get drunk alone because you will get more lonely. and the darkness you have will increase and nothing else.
if you get drunk with others your knowledge of others will increase.
the reason i got into this position where my words actually have meaning is because i fought the powers that be.
it was quite easy and did not take long to reach this final step. but the powers have powers because they are good at acquiring wealth which they do by making people live their lives.
i do not know if another world existed before or anywhere else and i do not know if it was better nor if could handle things there.
i heard that fiction is made merely to amuse people, and then lull them into a safety where you can manipulate them.
this is me, this is who i was. if someone bothers me in any way whatsoever still i turn into this shadow again. although it is impossible online the outer world still exists.
i will now try to buy something to eat, and maybe some human will acknowledge my existence. i will not treat them well nor give them what they want.
but shadowpeople exist everywhere. if you give them something you might brighten up their day. the problem is bothering them for a long time. leaders affect many people, but their sole purpose is to make things better, not take things from them.
if you make a great work of fiction and it gets portrayed to people you will affect them. neither if the work explains sorrow or anger or joy you will make the world better than you will make it worse.
you will tell your story and some people will live this story.
you will create a new world. it does not matter if the world we live in is fake. because we can create our own.
making a computergame takes more and more time now. there has to be a leader with a vision to improve peoples lives.
that i tried computergames sometime ago after a large hiatus made me see the bigger picture, of what the world really is.
because if the world is a lie you have to decide what lie you want to believe in. because eventually this lie will turn into a world of its own.
the problem is, beyond this lie there are even more worlds. if you tell one story you also tell others. everyone which compose the lie brings in their own world.
if the leader does not improve the lives of the people living it is does still not have to be bad.
because everything is reflection of everything else.
if the ultimate goal is to increase a number and when you get bored of this you increase another number.
these things are gold and murder.
as you amass gold you take it from somewhere. as you murder someone they will one day come to haunt you.
i know this sounds disgusting to a normal person to speak of such things. but social media is nothing in wretchedness compared to computergames.
you can think that some people somehow have already chosen your path. i noticed this the other day. as i checked the log of timestamps i realised someone else had made me do things.
i did not care as usual and went on my business of being smart and clever and trying to prove a point or fight whatever power is popular or not.
i do not fit in anywhere nor does anyone like me.
if you make a work of fiction you have to be very careful. if everyone is connected together online you will affect so many people in an instant.
one particular computergame was based on older ideals. this was not apparent. but if you look up who are said to make it, and try to understand things beyond that you will see the bigger picture.
i thought i had seen it and now i am here. i do not see this as negative or positive, and i do not see knowledge or entertain or statistics as a means to an end.
if shadowpeople exist there also exists shadowknowledge and shadowentertainment and shadowstatistics.
and just like other shadows you do not really spot them. they are there in broad daylight because they cast a shadow on your being.
if there is a world without shadows you can do whatever you want.
again, i should stop writing and appease my body. i have tried to understand eating disorders but i will not. i have read some fiction on it and it seemed to speak of greater things.
but again, i ruined my mind and body in mindless activity. and i realise i am not alone because this is the sign of the times. eventually these times will pass, and we will become what is spoken of before.
our planet will turn barren and another one will flourish.
if i truly killed another planet by trying to understand what it is about there are now 2 planets to inhabit, by building them up from nothing.
maybe this is not inherently bad, or it is.
i do not care if other life exists or not beyond our planet.
because soon we will be able to conquer other planets, and the story repeats itself. this is not inherently good or bad, it just how things work.
i am not sure what this world will be like if it will be different than ours nor better or worse. because things repeat because they are stories. we make these stories wether we want or not. and even if we do not write them down they still exist.
i was trying to write a simple description of a work i had done. i was proud of it and wanted to tell the world. except the world isnt impressed with me.
through another process i seem to have killed another human being. before i thought this was just someone playing games with me. but if life is a game where you murder others and get a score i am in big trouble.
i do not know if writing truths are a idea. you are to speak in riddles but i do not want to do this anymore. because the words i get are someone elses, and i do not take good care of them.
alright, i will be back soon. someone might have seen all i have writen as i wrote it. someone else has seen it ahead of time. someone else might be controlling me without my knowledge. even further the things i manifest some people hear while i do not.
i do not believe in slavery. if a place is barren it is for a reason, and whoever made it lifeless get to pay the price for it.
since i have killed an entire planet i cannot comprehend my punishment.
again, i will go out in the world and get something to eat. i have very minor pains but i know they will increase if i do not do something to stop them.
i have at least one terminal illness which is supposed to give great pain. it is easy for me to not get this though, because i stop the pain before it gets too painful.
other people drink to stop the pain. i do not really know if it is the answer, but it might be the only answer.
i will no longer try to speak of things i cannot comprehend nor words i do not know. words are an expression of reality and the less words you use the more power there is in them.
if there is an ancient language and i have spoken it i am in trouble.
this language was spoke in a wretched part of the world until recently. there are many stories of it, i thought of it was enduring, but have now realised this world is everywhere.
there are more depraved places but this seems like the ultimate. if you have no money you turn to your fellow man. if you know of the wild you might use it to survive.
if the wild does not accept you there is only one choice left. my pain is now increasing and i need to stop it.
goodbye for now.
something written before which i did not continue on follows.
i finally found a place which seemed to be meant for me. it felt like home. they seemed to be actually speaking their minds.
this mindset was made up of a lot dislike. but hate and truth go hand in hand.
most people do not hurt others because they want to. they get whipped over and over and eventually they deal their own form of judgement.
av Tomas Emma Johansson (ris och ros)
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