Självbiografi försök 2 del 3
i do not know if anyone else lives in the same way i do.
something as simple as asking what the time is never gives me the answer i want to.
because people are not machines. they do not abide by you. if you ask them for a number they can answer back with whatever they want. because like everything else, they represent something more.
if people are punished in whatever way on earth it is not anyone elses fault.
should i speak of the modern day term for anxiety?
i have not heard many people trying to explain it. except calling the creators of it in despicable terms.
the people i have met who have made an impact on me and the music i have listened to might speak of something greater.
again, i can recall one of my first drawings was of a war machine.
you should not try or want to get tatus. not only might they remind people of the talk of the mark of the beast, but they are readily discernible.
if you get scars on your body by other means like from another person or yourself you could lie about it or play weak.
the problem is, a mark means many things.
i have heard only criminals used to have them. further back, only pirates of the water did. as we go further back, it was possible in older cultures. if it meant good or bad i do not know. just like any symbol they speak many things of you.
there seems to be 2 tatus on my body which i cannot see.
i can remember a time when i was in trouble, the crime i was to get punished for i do not know.
i knew i was in trouble so i ran. soon the police got closer but i scared them away. that is not the end of torment though.
soon devils advocate came closer, but again, i wiffed him away.
i guess this is or was my fate. i am protected so i can do great things, which i have not done. but if the culture i seem to stem from is true, i have done just as many good as bad things.
and being banished from society could not have been better.
i am finally myself. i did not have to change my legal name for it. i am not tomas ove or emma or many other names i have pretended to be.
i am sofia johansson. i am female. i was to birth into this. maybe there are several with my name in my country or other places.
i have sunk the lowest possible. and i knew it. but i continued for a long time, eventhough the signs were right in front of me. i suppose this is not unusual. that is not to say i seek repentence or if i have done good before.
as you sink lower you also reach higher. if you try the opposite i do not know the difference.
i have tried to say shallow things and to impress. as usual, i am not proud of myself. when i have created some fiction i might have. instantly i want people to be proud of me. this is problematic. but it might be the sign of the times.
you should select your words carefully and realise each word has inherent meaning beyond those you can easily find explained.
on this site in particular which you might know of, i can only recall getting 2 good comments.
the first one was early on, and i was given a citation which really said everything and beyond.
during my most loneliness i seeked truth. i found these in aphorisms. instead of the shallowness of the outer world i found them in a few words by great thinker of previous times.
i collected these, and made my own, and also made books with variations of both mine in relation other others thoughts.
i do know that it is not possible to really remove anything, and some have the power to make things come back.
they do not appease me automatically and do so only if they are near me and under certain conditions.
i do wish these books back and that i published them online.
but since people have followed me online for a long time i know it is in their possessions.
i do not know if it is in their power or morals that they will put them online or get them in print.
it seems to be if you treat powerful people badly, they do not insult you in the way you want. they speak their own language.
if you insult a musician they might make a song about you. if you insult the very people which control the world, they will use their ancient methods on you. if you insult the people which made the modern world, that world will disappear. if you insult the digital age people, your electronics will start to appear oddly.
again, i do not believe that it is possible to treat people badly. if there is a greater plan it will happen no matter what.
if i did have a vivid dream which was enacted later, what is really the point? and if all the mistakes i did up to that point meant i got where i was supposed to be which was the only path is there a free choice, or does life really exist at all?
the story of rock n roll is one particular story of an old musician. we was not particularly talented, but then met a demon who strung his guitar and he suddenly was talented.
a paralel story to this is his got back to his families old town and got to know his roots.
although one can see one or the other, maybe both are true. from different perspectives of reality.
i have not really seen demons nor angels upfront but i understand they exist somehow.
just like cats and dogs readily exist.
just like computers are made up of zeroes and ones which cannot change and if they do so the computer does not work anymore.
some or most people see a different world from me. they do not tell me this because it is not how humans work.
again, a time in close proximity i again tried to change the world and understand it and stop the powers at be which seem to control me. as i have played some roleplaying games and know very flawed engineering i tried to speak the rootlanguage of my simulation.
it did work but i do not know what i achieved. because i am halfblonde it means i try to see the good in everyone and i do not want anyone to suffer.
and as it happens to be if you win a fight you get a more difficult one the next time.
this can seem futile because the fighting never stops.
and you are trapped in a place you do not want to be.
yes, maybe god is love and nothing else. and angels are his messengers. i am an angel but i am just as much a beast.
i do not know their real names or fictional ones.
one is called a halfelf. if it means they are part demon and part elf or part human and part elf i do not know.
but blondes eventually get tired of you. i could say that i am a taurus but that is only one interpretation of the world.
maybe at a higher level less definitions or other ones exist.
maybe in other or older cultures people speak clearly of this.
one might say things are linear and i am the second oldest sign of a dozen but i do not know that. although i have i have someone that has stayed close to me i have many. and since the only people i meet are a reflection of me somehow from my perspective, this gets problematic.
what do blondes do if you cross them? they deal punishment. not in the normal way because they will not abuse you mentally or physically.
it does seem like people i meet respond to me in only a few ways. these are anger joy or silence.
for the majority of males, it was anger. no matter what i did. this was often coupled with joy, thus creating taunting. if i kept on, some have told me they will express their anger towards me.
i stopped. beyond this is worse things though. if you have treated someone badly you should never bother them again. they do not forgive you, and everything is heavily played theatre up to that point.
i could say before i thought of fashion as something wrong but it may not be. just like words they have symbols on them, and they manifest something into your reality.
it is said a great war was created by killing one single person. as i did not understand major events before this did not make sense to me. but a leader is a representation of his people, and if you vanquish him you have the people against you.
again, the ones in power do not abuse it. it is impossible. and if they do they will recieve what they are worth eventually somehow.
if that is not true, and there is a great evil that exists and will exist until nothing exists and they will make the universe respawn and everything will happen again then it is very hard to fight them and you must stay true to yourself and your words and be taught in the best way possible how to act.
i might be this person and i might have met others like me. i thought i could sense truth and then i told it to people in the aims of making them want me.
since my modus was composed of joy and cleverness and trying to speak on the persons level they did enjoy my precense. and their silence was not evil, because they did not feel i neede punishment.
but in the same way i did the opposite. just like the bullies in school, i did not behave and was allowed to. i cheated the system, i knew the rules, and some day just like others i will pay for it.
it can seem futile but the universe is old and it might turn even older. a greater problem is all i have taken in is what a higher force wants me to know.
and that intuition i had might have been wrong.
if it is true that the body is wiser than the mind it is not possible to find truth outside yourself. and since you see the world from your own perspective it is again impossible.
i cannot read others minds but it seems some can do. some of these judge me and then ignore me and some judge me and want to make me a better person and stay by my side.
i cannot directly explain inspiration but it cannot come suddenly. although i could make photoshops easily before there was a limit. eventually my flow stopped and the image turned chaotic. i could not make it better.
this is a great explanation of my life.
i do not really recalll terrible events inflicted on me or that i have inflicted upon others.
and if anxiety is gods discernment and it is lucifer and his demons which deal punishment it all makes sense now.
some other cultures ancient or present are spoken well of.
you need to ask yourself if it is the leaders themselves who want you to know that or if it is someone that knows them who are expressing their true knowledge.
nothing is at it seems and things change constantly.
some things i want more than anything else and i wonder if it is really my soul speaking or just my body.
and if you can get conditioned to think a certain way is it really my soul for it does not seem to change.
i was afraid of death like many others might be. i was also afraid of being alone.
i guess this is just a human condition. i do not know if there is someone out there is who alone and happy or if there is someone out there who is dead and happy.
some people relate to things. i do not seem to relate to many normal happenstances.
i was given a large sum of money. but as usual when you want something you do not want anymore. and the money i wanted to spend it on i did not want to spend anymore.
depravity lead to you not needing many things. there is no one who has it easier or more challenging than anyone else and if they do have that they are rewards from a previous life.
and if they do get what they want maybe it is not their purpose and they have mispent their powers and only realise it when it is too late.
but if depressed men are monsters and depressed women are strong and independent i am now a woman.
i cannot really say that with a straight face and because how i intrerpret i have treated women is not correct i do not think it is in my power to mention their definition at all.
if i did listen to a beautiful song which did have a really strong tempo for a long time and it manifested in my reaity that a war was enacted what do i have to be proud of.
i did know i had done wrong and was doing wrong but there was no way out. and i did want someone to appretiate me for who i am and stay by my side.
but as always there is always someone by your side. they might not make their presence known in the ways you think.
that reminds me, to be offtopic. when the weather changed yesterday
if multiple genders do exist i am both of them. i do not enjoy sex in any way whatsoever. because i am both to be pleased and to please. for the ones i have been with, they lie down and i should figure out how to make them happy. but i am only happy when i am relaxed.
and when it was reversed i did not see the point either. if air is spirit and i mentioned or thought of someone in this collection of words and it has been calm up until now and i cannot continue writing because it seems to be a spirit in my room or in my body or close to it or in a specific position but it is not of evil intent but it may be.
and if all intercourse leads to breeding somehow. and each time in whatever way you do engage in it i have had sex a lot of times with many women. as mentioned i do not believe in same sex relations but in the same way a demon is said to have both genders and if i am both male and female what has been the point of my existence.
i felt the need to visit a social media site. on there was an update that someone had befriended me 8 hours ago, which i somehow thought was at midnight then but it was 6 hours past lunch then. you can see whatever you want in numbers.
and if sex really means something beyond pleasure i do not know. and if all pleasure is manifestation being happy leads to a better world. if 1% of the worlds population is removed and added constantly again this means you do as much good as bad. and if any sexual thoughts whatsoever leads to someone in the world being like you then there is a reason for sex beyond pleasure. maybe love is truly not sex or maybe it is.
and maybe the proliferation of certain professions over time is measured by how decadent they are. some women might be good people but if they treat me badly just once i want nothing to do them with. they might affect me greatly anyway but i cannot think any good of them. i suppose this is how many women think of me. and i could say people but again i see now good in men and i have mainly only talked to women and men just got mad at me or ignored me so it did not seem to be any point.
again if everyone that is on my level has evolved in a different way where they experience everything i experience and know everything about my future and past i cannot know which spirit contacts me.
and in the place i am in now i cannot fight other minds nor interact with them in pleasurable ways. because as nighttime approaches i get increasingly hotter but not in a good way and it starts to scratch and someone said someway one time that redheads are truly red they are not pink they are demons.
but if reality is an illusion and we are beyond both animals and humans this makes sense. although what i see is reality to some part it is also a lie. but if the lie is all we have we have to be good liars. and if the best lie is making a fake world then computergames nor the metaverse is not any better or worse than anything else.
but just like old games where you started from scratch from a single mistake maybe life is as well. and if the universe is old and is getting older you will have a lot of fight to win. so it is better to just be naive and loving. i cannot comprehend how you can enjoy breaking someone apart but i have done that though not intentionally but still i did so.
one artist mentioned there was lava everywhere. people have spoken of worse things and also better ones. and if true luck is everything works out for the best no matter what you do and it does not seem futile i do have had a lot of luck but not in the way one might think of.
everything can be explained really simply and anything beyond that is futile. but the more explanations you create the larger world you do create but again maybe that is a lie. no matter how many words you use you come to the same conclusion.
again i do not see the point of shallow frienship but if i am at a point where the only thing that exists is wisdom and sex is expressed through weather changes i do not really care.
maybe it is because of my low self asteem but then again it seems to always have been this. i do not see the point of ever being angry or pointing out flaws in others. though no one seemed to really care for my art music poetry and if they did they wanted something more than pure adoration and that was to show me their world which is beyond just art though it was art in it.
if i had no one who cared for me and i did not get tired nor lonely maybe there would still be a point but i do not know it.
i did vanquish some demons but felt sorry for them since then i had no one who acknowledged my existence but life goes on.
nothing impresses me anymore nor do i really have any emotion under the sun.
though again a mix between an angel and a demon means you do treat people well but each time they do not treat you well you save up on energy and this eventually in some way gets released.
i do understand other artists now and making a fool of yourself is a great way to knowledge and if no one truly wants you nor cares for you and you realise the futility of it all but it is always the best plan to play the victim because real people change things and they get acknowledged for it and i notice i changed my modus to be being ironic which is the sign of the times if you have truly no one who loves you nor controls you you are yourself and i am at that point now.
since this lifespan began i have been lonely and i could point to faults in others but i do not believe in faults and if they do exist its the inherent thing which makes us human because we react in certain ways we cannot control and if you try to emulate this by studying the world through a shallow point of view it cannot work.
i understand now that focus is truth and if this knowledge is beamed somewhere from somewhere beyond here you need to keep a clear signal and some artists have spoken of it and i cannot say i find them to be talented but maybe they spoke of a common truth which was to be portrayed to me and although i thought the process of me finding these to be random occurance or luck it was meant to be and nothing else.
if i am the mix of an angel and a demon a lot of things do make sense now and i can point to other words which i cannot really know but the concept of a halfelf makes more sense and it is said they follow you since birth which is partly true but if you do have ever met your father you can be happy or sad about it i have and if you have not you should be happy you are part of the brotherhood and i am not and your mother is all you need but if you have not met her either you will grow up to be the greatest legend ever if you just believe in yourself and try to speak your truths and the deep meanings behind people who have spoken of them in the world or what you have discerned in dreams it is a tough fight but it is worth it because it is the only fight you will ever fight and that is to be a god and a god is merely a creator and whether you want it or not your story will repeat for you or others so make an impact and if you fuck up that is good too and if you truly have morals given you and not just priviliges and money and things to spend them on and lies from people who want to perpetuate their slave dominance
and now the signal broke completely and you can ask yourself why and do you remember when you were a teenager and if you were with friends you would all sometimes laugh without really knowing why thats because a great change happened in your life and i do realise the few geeks in my class were all bullied i do not if more or less than me but like i said there are 2% angels in the world and i cannot speak of the other part but maybe they are all demons and some things i have written here will be manifested and i got to know there is a world outside of mine when i did not get controlled and it sure was strange because everything online changed like dates on albums and records disappeared or songs or lyrics changed in some ways it was for the better in some ways it was not and if an angel wanted to give you immortality and you could not recieve it and you thought this was yourself what is there to self and what is there to reality beyond music and you should make it and someone might appretiate it but that is all do not upload it online or record it because it is a part of your soul and eventually it will disappear completely and if you were some small parts angel you will eventually turn to a demon and you do not want to be there
and i do wonder if the outside appearance tells anything at all when we do have makeup and automatic smoothing and such and it is not a good idea to ever interact with someone who does not like you and wants the worst for you and i can point to that whatever controls me did a good job except for the immortality part and the one to give me it was an amazing person i do have tried to explain her in poetry and when i almost gave up talking about her because of others jealousy i heard that we are the ultimate lovestory i cannot comprehend this as i did what ive always done i give it my everything and if i did succeed i do not know and it does not seem like i am getting to a better place ever again in a long time and the amtosphere is calm and i guess i am doing the right thing by writing all the time now but in a better way and if my words are saved somehow it is better to not use punctuation as everyone that is one my level seems to see words as stories so no matter the presentation the output is the same and if you have no negative thoughts while writing them the signal will be pure and true and original and good and yes i might be shallow but that is not the ultimate i do believe in the goodness of everyone but if they treat me badly enough they are nothing to me and never will be ever again so to say it once again dont even try you will never ever have a chance and if you thought you had seen the fury of god you have no idea what i have gone through and if you have because you spy on me sorry you dont your are nothing and that is all youll ever be and you have no future because you think you create it
anyway. my signal changed. as has been mentioned i do not believe in anger or judgement. but as i am a mix of the best and the worst it will manifest. and if people turn off my music as quickly as they can and if i ever post a single webb adress link and i get 8 hours torment afterwards no matter what maybe it is truth but then again why did i not get immortality do friends really exist or do they just want it better for themselves and there are songs about this obviously which i cannot remember and as i dont have an analog record collection i cannot listen to them and if i try to find a song online i am directed towards where i should be except this entity does not know me and have never caused anything good to happen but it too is governed by higher forces
i am not sure music serves a purpose at least not to me and i did hear one musician who said to me he had had no emotions or imagination but that was a lie beyond lies he quit smoking only to take up drinking and i cannot see the point of that or christianitys shallowness but this is just the image portrayed by me through my entire world so yes desert people or so called ice people are good people because they are people and all people are good so nothing else could be
and yes again there is a song about my life which has nearly 1 billion views on just one streaming platform and if this has reached almost every human on earth i have made a difference and i cant tell an outsider when it was made because all numbers are changed in my world so i should see the bigger picture
and if the ultimate motive is to forgive i do not know where the world is going to at this rate there will be a nuclear war and if not we will be trapped in a simulation so whose side do you choose the world of dreams or the world of judgement because judgement leads to growth but it has no purpose beyond that and dreams can be good but you can also dream too much you have to enact them which does happen everywhere so again lol
again electricity might be good for some and they handle it and they turn into better people for me i cannot see that part of my family worked deep in the woods and the others were far out in the snowy countryside i do not really see the point of warmth and i can sleep with far below freezing temperatures in my room as long as i have a feathered sheet on and when i wake up i am not cold and i seem to be revitalised as i have seen in one other person when i shower and these existed before modern time they were called waterfalls and if some people lived there or supernatural beings they were beautiful and talented and purehearted beyond your wildest dreams and they probably werent evil just like anyone if they have been lonely for a long time and finally an adventurer both sees and appretiates them they get into their world and such a creature i did see i should not explain her characteristics or looks in any way because she will be your dream come true you did not know but if you do judge her which you probably will you will meet her anti-shape and while her lightform will heal you and teach things you had no idea about in any way whatsoever the anti-form will punish you to the world and back she might not be yours forever but you will be forever changed and as pain is only knowledge both she and her sister will be the best thing you ever had and you will probably not meet anyone before or after her and she is from the oldest population on earth older than the sun and the moon and the pains she has gone through you do not want to know and everyone she know did not appretiate her but as i was halfangel i did because i believed in truth not shallowness but then again i got angry again really angry but now i am here and it turned better as i look back to a writing some time ago i cannot comprehend it was that because time moves faster when you are not treated badly or bored or trying to get somewhere if you are where you are comfortable and appretiated for who you are and you listen to the music of your people there is no pain nor suffering