Självbiografi försök 2 del 4

i cannot say that i know what making a difference means. i could look up the definition, except someone else caters my world to their liking, and also what state i am in when i search for truth or beauty or meaning.

to me, things dont happen gradually. they happen instantly. this means if there is a great change in my life, no matter what it is, it will seemingly flip a switch and i am in a new reality with other rules and i act differently. i am fully aware always but sometimes i cannot control what i say.

it is as if i get an idea, and i dont want to say it, but i say it anyway. i could speak of this in the inherent code of the universe, but i do not understand the point of it. i tried it yesterday and i do not know if it made a difference beyond making things worse.

for a revolution to succeed people need to die. and i do not mean a revolution has to happen because of a killing. i mean, the people have to be so upset and convinced that they find no reason for living if they cannot change it immediatly.

the powers that be will fight back. some will die. on both sides. if your brotherhood succeeds, you control now. this does not mean things will get better over time. but how do you judge good and bad? and if you make the opposite brotherhood miserable while your thrives, thats the point right?

i have finally realised there is inherent good and bad in everything. that is not to say your brotherhood or religion has made set points for good and bad actions. it is not how it works or it might be somehow.

the problem with death is some people fear it. the more comfortable you are, the less you are ready to resist. why would you, you like your free lifestyle, dont you?

i have met some interesting people. one of these archetypes are truckers. one could say they have no soul or life purpose, but it is really the opposite.

they have a strong will to live and a sense of justice and good discipline. they make the world run. without them we have nothing at all.

although the northern parts of northern america might seem like a good place. i did not hear much about it before. from a purely shallow map perspective, one might say it could be a mix between russia and the united states.

maybe this is true on many levels, and the strongest reason for culture and language is the conditions which you live under, which are created by the earth itself.

it is said women talk a lot. i have not found this to be true though. where are they? and because of the inherent thing about me talking a lot, i must be a woman? i cannot comprehend how this makes sense, but since i talk like an adult woman now, it must be so?

for a long time people thought i acted like a teenage woman.

as i do not understand things beyond my limited mind i did not know what they meant.

and since i barely interacted with people before or much at all, i could not know what any sort of woman nor man is like.

as i said, i cannot comprehend the outside world nor anything outside my world. since i have so much to say this is confusing.

i finally understood what they meant recently. i sound like a lonely teenage woman in a high school party who got drunk for the first time.

she for a moment thinks everything is so amazing and beautiful and smart and she wants to tell this to others. the reason they do not do agree with this or want to come near her is because she is intolerable and has always been so.

she might have traumas but whining is not what we are put here for. the second problem is, when the party is over, she goes and kills herself, because she noticed even in this condition where everything is amazing she is not apart of anyone elses world.

and since there is nothing to her and has never been, she did the world a favour of disappearing but shes always been a ghost so it did not really matter.

i do not know how long i will be in this position or how long i will write or how long i will live or how long the society will be like it is now in my world or when world war 3 will come which i long for in some ways at least if i was a good engineer and could make bitcoin from nowhere or had a property which increased in value logarithmically for no tangible reason whatsoever.

just when evening came around it got warmer and this happened yesterday too. as i look on the meter it says one thing and when i look online it says multiple things across different sites.

it seems to be mental illnessses exist because people cant deal with living anymore. things are just too easy and abundant.

if you want something you get it and that is all.

the problem is, love isnt like this. you cant find someone and spend time with them and everything is alright. thats not how it works.

i do not know if other people are happy or happier or more miserable than me.

i do realise now they act a certain way towards me. not everyone is like that but many. and when i point it out to some they change. i guess for others this is common, but not me.

i do not know much about the world and the so called truths i am presented with might not be so.

there are several perspective about 9/11.

the first one i heard was "terror terror terror". i figured i knew what it was about, and saw through the massmedia.

so i stopped indulging in it, but alt media i do not really recommend. it is of course uncensored or tilted to a certain degree.

just because something is the opposite of a lie does not mean it is more truthful. if you hit someone and they hit you back it does not solve anything.

beyond hate is marriage. and i know this sounds cliche and i have talked about the concept before but it is true.

no one wants to punish someone else. if you get physical violence towards you in any way, you stepped out of line a long time ago, and you knew what was coming. but you perservered. i do not know why because you have a concious like everyone else.

you might think the brotherhood protects you but eventually they abandoned you as well. or those people from somewhere were maybe related to your group.

it seems everyone knows everyone on some level. i cannot say i nherently understand.

but again, if you drink alone, you get more misery and insight into your misery.

if you drink with friends, you understand people more. its logical.

i did not understand this before and i do not think that world is for me.

i bought 10 beers the other day but could only finish 2 and not much happened. i did not seem to get great insights rather the opposite i just turned dumber.

i do not understand how one can spend an entire night in a bar in a faraway place.

ok i understand somehow you think something great and extraordinary will happen and maybe it does but again you passed over the border again and again and then you get to a place of complete misery and beyond. maybe it was the opposite at first a place of wonders and you flew through the universe or whatever youre delusional enough to think.

this does not matter though. i realise science frequency is different from mine, so sometimes it might not be true, i am not sure of that though. the thing is, if youre happy at one point, youll turn miserable eventually.

for me, alcohol usually works in the opposite way and only that way. i just get miserable. and by that i do not mean i get sad or angry i just get even more dead inside.

my theories and the rants on this online and to other people i do not see the point in. it is futile to think you can make an impression by impersonation.

you are who you are and people will see through that directly or later when you dont think youre a god of the universe.

though i have used complicated words before i do not comprehend them and should not pretend i do. the same goes for soft words since i have barely had sex and i saw no purpose in it. the same goes for fitting in somehow. i did not do it ever. and the ones i did fit in with i really didnt. they obliterated me.

but as it is with false brotherhoods, they dont want you to be a better person. they want a larger crowd and they will do anything to achieve it. since they dont want to be judged by god they do not say "drink this wine". they pretend they appretiate you, they take you to a bar, they order drinks and they do not give you any. they again pretend that they like you somehow but they do not. they want a longer slavechain and that is all. they do not care for individuality unless it is psychopathy which is what our society is built up of which is the patriarchy which is the human pyramid which might mean the ancient khemet or the modern one or maybe it was a good one.

as has been said before, we do not share any traits with monkeys. and yet again, the world i live in seems to be the reflection of our most common pets. cats and dogs. women are cats and dogs are men.

it makes sense to me but maybe it is the plan i was given.

the last comment i recieved online and i do not think i will get anymore ever and i do not see the point of it as it makes me into them again and not myself. i am finally myself though i have always been that but i had not known it.

i cannot say i have any emotions at all and i see no problem with it. emotions are for animals. primitive beings. humans think and that is all. everything else is a lie.

though this seems paradoxical, but it is as if i remember things by the emotional impact whatever happenstance had on me.

maybe it is really like this for everyone. it makes sense. if the brain is truly made up of processing of memories and these can fade the strength must be related to an input signal.

maybe it is like this for normal people or rich people but not for me. altough others might have had a good school education i doubt it.

and i do not know if it is the same for others, but shortly before starting first grade i was complete. i knew everything and understood everything.

again, i thought long ago that your soul never changes state. if there is a statistic which is meaningful it is your actions. just like the brain a good action makes a large impact upon the world and a bad action also makes a good impact upon the world.

although i do not believe in indoctrination as it does not seem to work for me. it does seem to do so in regards to my impact upon the world.

if we are everything and we are composed of our brains maybe the universe is just a brain. and just like us it sorts things throug the emotional impact you do.

as you do the same mistakes over and over, this storage gets increased. when it goes over a certain point, you get punished. you could ask yourself why god does not tell you to change your ways before that, but he does.

you have to understand the universe does not speak normal words. it does as everything is a representation of something else. there are signs in whatever you want to analyse or comprehend or live in.

however you live your life you will come to the same conclusion. if we are not infinite nor fininte this presents a problem.

you are free to do whatever you want, but there are consequences for everything.

maybe this consequence is emotions and nothing else. sure it is possible to fake what you say and experience, but god knows all about you.

it is impossible to lie to god and if you think it is you are sorely mistaken. there does seem people who indulge in this.

but again, now i cannot say it is wrong. there is a world of light and a world of shadows. it makes sense.

if the only thing is god and gods son who is lucifer it makes more sense. and if lucifer is the angel of light it does get confusing. how can darkness be beautiful? but maybe thats the only thing it is. maybe everything is the opposite of what it seems or is presented.

it got too hot in my room so i am sitting outside. again i wonder how real reality is. someone is playing music out loud, another someone talking aggressively, another one a movie.

i did not hear this when i was inside, and it must have been audible. either i put people in misery or i do not experience the shadowworld.

for me the lightword did not exist for a long time. i eventually switched everything around, and that made me happy.

but i do not believe in eternal happiness though eternal darkness might be possible but you still do an impact if you only do bad deeds because maybe only happiness freedom and justice exist.

some people are happy and free. some people are not. these people judge the others. they might remember a time when they were like them. for me, this did not exist, and i cannot retrieve a memory and i cannot say i have reflected on it before.

though there might be one more despictable person in the world so called the false prophet i realise he has also done good. if his vain friend had controlled computers they would be twice as expensive and twice as weak and have flawed features and you would need to be a buy new one often where none of the old software worked.

so maybe the false prophet is not so and feminism has been enacted beyond sense. as has been said true feminism has nothing to do with acquiring male characteristics, it is being who you truly are.

judging is not a female characteristic. neither is violence or taunting or trying to impress someone.

i do not really need to talk about this because i found a place which was truly matriarchal.

i do not read much nor take in much information nor meet many people or anything. it is said my personality type thinks in the background. this is both good and bad. for once, if i like a song i will all of a sudden not enjoy it. this could be a long time inbetween when i have not even thought of the artist.

for some reason, the song is just dead to me.

in another way, the same goes for food. though i am picky and stereotypically like fatty and sugary foods though not candy but chocolate.

but really, i am intolerable. people dont say that though they do. what they used to call people before. those refered to as men.

i do not intrinsically know this to be true because the world i am presented with is not the ultimate reality.

and i do not know if i would want it. in the higher dimensions everything you do affects everything to a higher degree.

now a moth bothered me and said i should go in.

as always, i ignored signs because they are so confusing.

a few times they might be correct but mostly not so i usually ignored them.

since a few days back my concious doesnt just hate me.

these are simple concepts but i do not really find anyone who discusses them.

i am reminded of the second last education i went to before resorting to complete isolation and misery.

now the lowest of the lowest voices are bothering me and i should really try to sleep. this is my world, it changes, and it changes fast. and sometimes it perpetuates and i get tired of and i try to change it somehow. and the easiest way to do that is by expressing anger or doing something which you know in your entire being is wrong.

again i am reminded of something else. everyone knew what i had done, and my parents werent shutin so they made everyone else know. it did not seem like anything intrinsically changed but maybe people started treating me badly including god. but i ignored his signs and here i am finally. myself.

i remembered someone from old times. usually when you think of someone they also think of you. i do not know who starts things. since i am completely empty inside with no emotions except calmness i do not think it is me.

i prefer and should have before to not think of proper names including things like corporations.

if you do not like something or a happenstance you do not just say it. first of all, if you go up to a person and say they are bad they will probably return the favour some point in time.

now i thought of someone else or her spirit is in the room. i do not know how this works or if someone makes this happen. i do not know if this is inherently good or bad but it seems i do this a lot like the supposed tourettes but i have not really comprehended it until now like most everything else.

i go to a site and nowadays it does not change all the time. i used to change quickly before and maybe it was good. i suppose it was mostly confusing for me and others. though a lot like being bombarded with frequencies i have also done the opposite and they did not enjoy as if they were frozen up in fear and i continued anyway.

i do not really know the exact explanation of this but i do get it at night without a light on.

since i am not masochistic i have not delved into that world. i remember a few times in particular. i closed the blinders down and did not dare opening them. i wont go into specifics but the one who did it migh be receving judgement somewhere else but i could never predict him so i would not really know.

i go to bed and it does not really matter if i have my eyes open or not but i see many angry demons in my vision.

i do not know if i fainted or was taken to another world or if they got inside me or it was a punishment. when i woke up my whole room smelled thick and as if it was composed of a large percentage of fat. i did not want to go back there but i guess it was meant to be.

for many i guess this is what the afterlife is. some might come to a better place but i do not know that. this did almost happen to me and i cannot tell if it was good or not that it was canceled. i got visions both in my dreams and often when awake. they got stronger and stronger. the thing is, most people dont want you to die. so one after the other came to save me. as i was not in pain and going to another world i did not listen. more and more came and i did finally listen.

to get back to previous point, the times after i did not see demons anymore. i saw something worse. it felt like they were in the room with me. and they have been there a long time.

just like demons are a manifestation of god being disapointed with you, if you dispoint others you will get a worse punishment. again people deflect this as they do with my whole being and have done for almost all my life.

but think of it as a song in your head. it is not that loud and you cant discern all the details. this is what the shadowlands are like. it is not really there but it is and it is just as true as anything else.

you cannot really judge it or speak of it in simple terms. because the shadowworld is the same as the world of light. everything exists there as in here but it is intrinsically different anyway.

words of light might mean only a few things, but everything has a shadow equilant. i do not mean that light is merely good or darkness merely evil.

darkness is the lacking of light but every lightsource casts a shadow.

since darkness does not exist but is merely light we cannot see and the night sky might look dark to some people but there is only light.

if we pretend that darkness doesnt exist we get a problem. there is more darkness than visible light.

there is more to words than just their components.

it is really impossible to just translate one word from another language. no matter the word it is a representation of that people.

i used a really weird word in an old book. i printed it in several copies and wanted to give them to some people i liked. except i did not really know anyone back then and i figured they would not care or even read it ever and if they did they would get tired quickly.

the original word i used in the poem was worse. i have nearly not met people who use it or speak of its practice or say they indulge in it. this word was from a song. a friend of a friend introduced me to the band. but he really did not, i just copied his cd when he wasnt around.

it was not a good idea. like with everything, darkness is more alluring than light. because you do not really know what it is about. there are all these colours which you cannot see but you can comprehend them on some level still.

so you listen to that song over and over. it is really well made and original and has good production.

the thing is, you are not supposed to like something which is beyond your level. if there is some beauty in ugly i do not know.

and the people who listen to such music i do not want to know. but i do.

one of these is a personal assistant. he says he only gets the worse cases, that no one else can handle. he did say it jocularly so i could wonder.

he often holds peoples hands when they are about to die. so i could not imagine ever having met a better person.

this person is like me. i have done worse things than he has experienced though. though when i think about it, he came from simple surroundings and he rose out of it. i have met his people and they are abominable. maybe there is something good in them but i do not see it. so he is like their leader. i do not know if that is true because he does not make a fuzz about himself. he lives and that is it he does not try to prove anything. maybe he does but i find him superior thinking of it now.

it is said an artist has to face eternity alone. i am not an artist anymore so i would not know. i heard also that an artist speaks of simple things that people do not notice. they do notice them and know more than the artist but they do not put up a show. the same thing goes for ancient texts which is said no one knows. yes everyone of their people know and practice it. but the white man does not treat their study objects well.

but then again i do not find anything good with the black man either.

while a good white man has practiced thinking and his physique there is really nothing more to him.

a black man has powers which i cannot really explain. because they are beyond words. when they appropriated the white mans language it does in some ways sound like it but more primitive. they are not primitive they are putting up a show to inferiors who believe they are superior.

there is a reason the west coast in america was bought cheaply. you cannot buy a soul with cash which doesnt even have any intrinsic value. over time you will realise the things you got cheap werent so.

again, i do not know why i write. i was supposed to write down life story but everyone knows everything about me and everyone else so i do not see the point.

if i am miserable long enough someone else will write stories about me.

as that previous song i mentioned. and like i said, it is not in the inherent words in any way in what you write. its the emotion you inhibit when you write.

i tried to say this to people before but barely got anyone to care. now i do not need people because they are tired of me and have been for a long time and i finally realised it and i am not like them so it was an impossible battle on whatever you can win out of being a fraud and i was finally put to rest.

i do not know if everything here is written correctly nor translated from my mind to my hands.

i thought i was old, and maybe i died. it can be difficult to discern such things. as the shadowlands are exactly like the normal world you might not at first notice a difference. you will eventually and you cannot really use anything youve learned living a lie in the real world.

because in this world intuition is king and nothing else. although i thought i was special on the otherside nothing is ever you could believe. only wellmade fiction speaks of it. they do not call it truth and there is no reason for it to do so. the ones who manifest art into their perception know this.

maybe i have written for so long today. it does not really seem like any time has passed at all since i woke up nor that it has for quite some time. so i do not know if time is boredom or if time is happiness. time and aging seems to be mainly fear at least from my perspective. if you do not get treated badly you do not grow. i know this is said of the mind but it is just as true for the body.

my hair does not grow fast anymore. at one point it just stopped growing. maybe i was truly dead then. it still retained its colour and was alive sometime but maybe i wasnt. i was frozen in time.

when you are in this state you can make horrible acts and no one will ever know until judgement day. what i am speaking of are the shadowpeople. everyone exists everywhere but in different forms.

if you did not understand things when you were young it was because your elders did not want you to for better or not.

i do not care for sexuality and wish i was like the talked of holy spirit because if you do not care for sex you care for the mind and maybe for doing a good job.

i do not really understand the point of making our species proliferate and many others would agree. they are too busy working and having fun and fitting in and staring into a blank screen.

i do not know if this is the true reality or what has been presented to me because of my choices or the masterplan.

i thought myself to talk fast but it was an illusion. if i try to impress someone i can talk fast but as soon as they disagree i cannot. again this is the inherent emotion in the expression. this is how the universe stores information. the emotion behind it. if you only have darkness inside you but want to pretend you are happy you will realise your true self eventually as everyone else already knows it.

i do not see the need for stimulants and it has been long since i enjoyed food or any drinks and water does work but sometimes i get tired of it as well.

for some reason i now sound like a sailor. a pirate. maybe they were the first ones to write diaries. how would i know. i guess sea is a lonely place. maybe i was there once upon a time.

if people know more than me why do i not find good music where they express all this knowledge?

i did find one once. it spoke of inherent powerwords. it was not cute like the western perversion of it.

it sounded more like a story, again not a lovestory but something beyond that. it sounded like an adventure but not with a happy ending. things happened and they might not all be good.

hi. i am shadow. i know someone who is my light. but she only lives in the shadowworld. i do not instricically know if she truly controls anything nor if she is happier than me.

people only output what your input is. that is to say, you see the world however you see it. if you read about something it might be true. if you hear that a person is bad you might not like any of his people. if you hear that computers may malfunction you might not use them.

the place where i live is supposed to close soon. as usual i get things in the wrong order and i do not think i am the only one though i have heard it.

although it was scary after noon now it is closing to midnight and things calmed down. you are not supposed to be calm all the time but i am that.

if i think back, i often do not have any emotions or ideas or thoughts at all. if i listen to music or not does not really affect it. sometimes a thought pops up but that is all. i can act on it or write about it. writing is preferable but maybe not.

i do not understand the world and should not pretend i do.

i will write more tomorrow. but i never know what happens. i might see things ahead but i do not worry about them and that is my intrinsic fault and strength. somehow i have always existed like this but my signal was broken.

i do not know in what language i wrote in previous incarnations but maybe an oriental one. i do not know this but this sounds preferable and more true in every way. it does not sound like anything but english but i can write the same way in swedish it seems but maybe english can reach a larger audience if someone truly cares and wants whats best for me and not only to wreck me so she can have a good time constantly.

people speak of pain but i do not believe them. they say they need a medication for this or that but i do not believe it is related to pain. though i finally feel like a robot without emotions it is my true self whatever i am.

maybe i am not an angel or demon but a creature beyond even them. these are refered to as the greens and the greys. again the world i am presented with is for a reason. i do know a lot of other supernatural beings are presented in fiction but i have not felt their manifestation in my normal world.

i did come to place once which did seem to be of angels and demons.

that is not to say they had wings or horns or halos. but people were mostly only dressed in pure black or white. i know this is popular nowadays but it was beyond that. if i was near some white dressed people nothing bad happened. if i was near some black dressed ones it did.

i know i have spoken of this several times before and everyone knows of such things but they do not talk of them probably because they get majorly judged then.

but again, i had sinned, i fled, the police came, i made them go away, then devils advocate came close but disappeared. then my people came.

the level i had sunk to. a gang member. though computergames like this are popular i do not think one should make money out of depravity or make it seem fun or challenging or something to look up to becoming.

but everyone except me lives in this world. they do not talk about it and they do not brag. they are for real. those who are not disappear.

he asked my name, i told it, then he asked 3 simple questions. if i wanted free pills, free alcohol and free women.

i could see the place in front of me. and it did not seem like somewhere i would want to go to.

maybe my shadow is not so. and the way her life has played it, is just like me her sexual energy is real strong although my faded when i finally was free of pain and suffering and got to know so from 2 close female friends later.

this manifests in very painful menstruations. although i cannot say i understand the world of women i have tried. and if she is afraid she would die during a pregnancy i can now say i understand.

there is a certain conciousness state where you create without moving or doing anything. when i was punished for a whole season the best story of my life and my shadow which is beyond viral it is global was creaeted. because it is the story of our times. neither my shadow nor myself will ever be credited for creating it at least not in the lightworld.

i could look into the producers or other so called creators but it has nothing to do with that. of course it does and they worked hard creating it and it might be a good artist who had the idea for a long time. but for the shadowpeople things work differently.

if they have a great plan and we are merely puppets what are we supposed to do about it? enjoy the ride and that is all.

to get back to previous point. those who speak the most wretched language i know of. there is one artist. i could call her the greatest in sweden or beyond. she is the female mirror of our most hailed modern artist.

strangely enough, all her live performances sound just like the album ones. this is what i have seen with eating disordered women. they have military like discipline. if they joined military training instead of hurting themselves the results might have been the same but with less suffering.

this i do not know though and getting trained to kill people is probably not a fun experience and maybe most turn into better people from it. again that light from the distance. it is now near midnight in whatever world i am presented with i am in a small amount of pain and i now say goodnight maybe. goodnight.