Självbiografi försök 2 del 5

i am reminded of someone. i do not know if she thought of just in good or bad ways or my shadow wanted it to happen.

maybe my shadow is happier now or not. since i am myself and free from pain or suffering she has changed too.

i am reminded of a response, it said "i dont think you have that much power". i now understand what she meant. and it seems any try at remembering that time was just blocked from my memory.

i long ago was told i talk like a cat. since they only say meow to me i would not know. i could talk to them but they would talk in my boring lingo.

i now know it to be true. cats are demons and they kill planets and beyond if they do not just live below the earth and make natural disasters happen and they are the worst expression of shadowpeople that are readily visible to us.

i do not know the intrinsic difference between cats and butterflies. or butterflies and dragons. they are manifestations of the same thing.

although i was presented with an artist which had collected butterflies from all over the world and put them on a canvas. to say that this artist was rich does not even start to explain it.

i understand now. my shadow is 6 years older than me. so she can shift anything up to 6 years back. another shadow is about twice my age. so she can shift things back 36 years or so. thats a lot.

that not doing things make you fat is a lie. look at cats for example. strangely enough their ideal weight is 18 kilos but i do not know if this is really true because of the world presented to me.

that number is merely three sixes. six is pronounced just like sex in swedish. so just mentioning that number is an immense power word.

i was told christianity used this number but now i know it to be false. everything in my supposed reality pointed to that christianity was the maker of the false prophet. i could have read the bible but it was edited by my shadow as she saw fit.

i saw only good in muslims but a few times i got to know the truth. they are sick fuckers which is the only reason they seem to be good in whatever way they are.

just like christians they never practice what they preach. they talk of virginity before marriage but they use another orifice instead. since the quran does not intrinsically forbid it they bend the rules. just like the bible is against drinking alcohol but cigarettes were invented later and they falsely interpret it as cigarettes wouldnt be an intoxicant but what could be further from the truth.

muslims are shadowpeople and their starsign is the scorpio.

again each time i liked someone i got thoughts of this scorpio. it turned real odd. since the lockdown i got more and more lonely. you do not really notice it though. it just creeps up on you. i figured if i did not meet people i would not be able to treat them badly.

i apologize for the missspellings in this and when i seemingly switch out word for other ones. i can look back and see how it was. no matter what i said i was either hated or mocked not that it is any difference in it.

i met people later like my bullies. they were basically impossible to talk to. they spoke of normal things but it was again shadowlanguage. and i quickly realised their lives just as the bullies were only about drugs and sex and wealth and an outer image.

again, i cannot say i am better than them. and since you can make art by merely being drunk enough i do not see the point of putting in an effort in anything. people do not really write things or make music or photoshops. they never have.

they achieve a state where everything is automatic. but i am automatic too i just do not know it.

again, when i saw some movie posters i realized my photoshop art was on their level. it was not my aspirations in the beginning to be known. in the beginning the 36 shadow wanted to see my art but she did not really say anything about it so i fail to see the point.

people that do heavy muscle work could be better. but as soon as they do not work they drink. they might seem primitive but they are not. again these are mostly not theories but states of mind i have been for short moments. maybe robot frequency is the uppermost or maybe not. i have been in this state too and it did not bother me. i did as i was told then i went to sleep and it was not bothersome and i did the same the next day.

if you do make art you will affect people beyond your wildest dreams in the present future and maybe past too. and since everyone is connected to everyone else 3 friends apart and on social media everyone has more than 3 friends i now realise i have killed an entire planet to fit in.

i did receive supreme judgement once that i am fully aware of. except it was from yet another stalker and like all stalkers they are deranged deprived individuals.

the 36 shadow wanted to sleep with me and that was all. and again i do not know if the number 36 is true but maybe it is. there is so much to learn and all you need to do is drink and you will learn everything and become a model citizen and have no problems ever.

i can recall a person who happens to be a string theory researcher. maybe he is for real but i would not want to meet him as my shadow takes away everyone who means something over and over.

i now realize how it is. if other people in any way are like this i do not know.

i can recall a geek who seemed to be like me in some ways.

i cannot say i know what having a friend is like. after i lost mine i indulged in so much depravity and my art was not beautiful eventhough it was because just like rockmusic and roleplaying games and computergames they have hidden symbols which eventually take over your body.

i cannot speak of my life or anything of it because there is a true world out there and i have gotten glimpses of it and if i was to be a miserable artist then ok and fulfill one of my parents dreams but could she just stop at some point and let me be myself?

as mentioned shadowvalue is payed through the torment any way whatsoever you have inflicted on a person.

if it seems someone only wants to take from you you have to realize who started it. if you have never met her you need to realise everything is connected and you are paying back in material ways for your shallowness.

beyond this as i have gotten to know is sacrifice. i could speak of a song which might exist only in my world at a certain made up moment in time which is false and is presented to me in a variety of ways to tell me something but damnit just stop?

again i cannot say if those last 4 words were myself or my shadow. although shadows are more powerful than lightbeings they do contain more substance than light and if you go against them you get punished and they might be insulted for awhile but wont really care because they are deader than death and are free from pain and suffering.

i do wonder if that is true. if you are free from pain and suffering you cannot grow as a person. and how could you be a person at all then?

alright, your personality gets frozen in time and you can be at many places at once but i do not really see the point of it. do you actually experience the world or do you become some sort of hivemind?

i can remember writing and thinking this before probably down to each and every word. and if they so called prophets in my so called word did exist they did not create any art. they lived and it requries no effort whatsoever.

or maybe they were like me they were for real and they did not drink at all as i have heard some cultures do not but i am sure they use other intoxicants.

and i can speak of chocolate but i understand to shadowpeople they just laugh because to them chocolate means eating excrement.

and as i did a study on that i understand that the most powerful people are cannibals and nothing else and they are 98% of humanity or more.

and if they are not cannibals they eat everything else on a human or themselves. as mentioned these are things like hair oh that too thanks hivemind or whoatever blood puke shit vomit and beyond.

normal people do not really eat food they just put up a show. and if they do really eat it it is not to still a hunger because they do not need food as their bodies do not exist.

i delved in soft words for awhile and i wondered about the obsession with certain bodytypes. i find anyone beautiful no matter what but i do not think this is different from other people they do too except they sleep with everyone and i do not think they appretiate the persons beauty at all or are able to see it as they see something else.

i could do statistical analysis of human behaviour or the universe but i do not know why.

i could read other analysises but they do not tell the ultimate truth or any truth at all and besides i can only take in very little information. to make a book needs a lot of effort and if you do not have a job you will get grants except you only do that if you fulfill many criteria. eventually these criteria get stricter and stricter the closer you get to the truth.

this means all your search for the truth was in vain and you are only made to perpetuate a lie and things will so called get discovered when the shadowpeople want them to be. they might point a single person as inventor and they get hailed.

again i cannot speak of any truths at all because at least 2 people have decided my world.

the worst one lived in a depraved society. her parents did though have it worse. so somehow things get better if people try to tell the truth in wellmade fiction but i cannot.

one of these people diverged from commonness and was put in a mental hospital. i did not know they existed that long ago but again the others do not do any fault. gods exist to guide people and if you stray too far off they will punish you. this could be bad in some ways but i am not sure.

as for selling your soul it might be possible but i learned you can be given powers without losing it.

but true so called reptiles do not really seem to turn into worse artists. and if everyone steals souls it is the only mode of the world.

if you drink with other people you share your world without saying a word. if you also have fun with them it gets better. if you also listen to music with them it gets better. if you also have sex with them it gets even better.

i was presented by another one of these wretched beings. but if 98% of humanity is this i am the false prophet and they are all legends. it gets difficult after awhile to sort people in good and bad but i realise where racist and sexist and hateful humour stems from. it is not bad at all and points to something greater. the ones who point to depraved peoples faults do have them themselves and they further make fun of those making fun of others. it all turns to a feedback loop like humanity like so called evolution like the universe.

as for hearing voices again i did not realise the question. this was intentional and i guess a lot of people are also remote controlled. if you could be yourself in an instant i do not see the fault of it. i also see no point in modern society or any society or an apointment of gods or people to control others.

if you are truly free you will not make faults because your soul is eternal and it cannot be corrupted it is what it is and that is all.

as people have told me through my later years i seem to be rightwing. i did not understand any implication of this until recently. i am shadowpeople. maybe i was not at some point but i doubt it. i got to run free for awhile like a spirit and then that was enough. i lost all my freedom and spririt and lost anything good and the good i tried to do had no meaning because the shadow wants to live the rock and roll lifestyle and as soon as i am happy she is not and the worst i am treated the better it gets for her.

she might present an image of having no emotions and pretending to be happy but again the shadowpeople can assume any form they want.

again i thought i was going to be clever all of a sudden but nothing happens randomly there is someone pulling your strings and creating a fake world they can manipulate at will at any level.

again having sex serves a purpose but the shadowpeople do not need to get pregnant the very act makes it happen instantly.

maybe long ago there was someone with my last name and he proliferated a lot but again i do not know this because my path was created a long time ago.

there has been signs to point to what i should do but it does not matter because things happen as they should and i have no power over anything.

the only thing that exists once again is punishment. and if you try to point out the truth you get laughed at mocked or worse.

i cannot point to anything in my supposed world which could be true on any level. if i analyze how things happen i might come to the truth of the simulation but again science takes a long time and i do not have the persistance for it.

pain is only good for you because as long as you are miserable your shadow is happy.

this means you will never achieve anything except destruction. again i cannot point to outside factors in my analyzation because it is all a lie.

it was strange on the other side. i visited places and then again and some of them were destroyed. i figured it was my fault and tried to hide from the world.

again i was not in misery whatsoever and thus did not cause destruction but just like those random places in reality it did happen and it got worse even.

so no i am not shaitan i am pure light like i heard back in the days. but shadowpeople cannot stand the light as it shatters them like the story of vampires which is untrue.

when you look for truth it is easily to find even if you have multiple conflicting sources. the worst thing is to trust anyone or anything. at some point either intentionally or not from either part or outside forces their polarity will switch towards you.

loneliness is the ultimate punishment. again i am reminded of someone. i said what i wanted to her in my language. at that time she was suicidal. i was told to not bother with her since she was different and i was supposed to find someone normal. i did do that and she did even meet my parents but she got disappointed with them.

she saw through their western world lies eventhough it had pretty packaging. at that point i was not corrupt but again it was not the point that i should marry my first love or anyone else or ever be happy and just turn into a perverse vampire entity which is what the stockholm syndrome is really about.

i can get hugs but that is it and i gave up on them and i do not miss them as i cannot relate to so called humans and desire does not lead anywhere.

for others it might do so but everyone is a vampire but it is related to the concepts such as the hivemind. again i do not know if this is true as everyone has instant defence to my truth on their lies.

i am reminded again of a person who spoke of this. who watches the watchmen concept. i do not know if this person was tangible or just my shadow stalking me and making me miserable so i would make more art but it may be so.

nothing is random or based on chance or luck. it is said warriors do not believe in it only cause and effect.

again the story of gender sizes.

again the concept of age. i do not understand it. as i look at my webcam i see again i might look and act and dress like a woman but this is not by choice. it is who i am and it is beyond definition call it what you want in simple terms that repeat and causes instant destruction of me but hey i did that too but not before i was told to move away from the place the only one who has ever meant something to me lived close to.

i looked at my stalkers page again. i do not know if i made a negtive impact on her which is never my goal only truth. whoever is trying to bring me down which might be related to the time or percieved lack of nutrients.

i do not believe in nutrients or the so called study of it. it makes sense now though. the world is a lie and everything you are supposed to follow are double or worse and you can never express yourself because whatever you try it is wrong because every choice you are given is not the real answer.

the only answer is being yourself and only you know that. you cannot look towards others for answers. if you read popular literatur or other art it will give you nothing.

i could speak of synchronicity but i do not believe it anymore. as nothing is random and everyone who has ever been drunk knows this. i am told to not speak of shadowpeople again but then i cannot speak anything.

that some people look like others have nothing to do with the truth.

when you are drunk time stops existing. things do not happen after whatever time has gone by. things only happen because of powerwords. keywords. this can be expressed in any way it is possible to express anything including bodylanguage thought words actions repeats combinations and who you talk to and how and in relation to other factors mentioned.

i do not really see the point of analyzing the world as it has been made up and those in the know already know everything.

you are supposed to make things beautiful but this i do not believe in either.

if you portray someone despicable it does not matter how. the world is not true and it is not beautiful. this was made so you should search the truth but it is always there and everyone knows it. there is no need to try to create beauty because it is everywhere and in anything. if you try to make people happy i do not understand the reason because they have no emotions. and the worst you treat your kids the better people they become. if you shower them in gifts understanding and money nothing good will come out of it. you will receive repentence but if lie is a lie what is the point. and if you just perpetuate the lie again it is even worse.

again, a reminder. tourettes. i passed over the border many times and stayed there for a long time. i was given the sign that i could not reach lower. but i did eventually, i killed an entire planet. not to say i am worse than anyone else because others have killed the entire universe and made it respawn.

as i look back to the people who have shown an interest in me i could make soft word stories about them. and i realise scorpios can only care for one person at a time. i could say i have only known 2 scorpios but it is not true because they live in deserts just like the so called ice people and they are worse than insects as they also carry poison like a mix between a snake and a bug. if i might have been taken care of by a scorpio and then took care of her i do have fulfilled some destiny. she will move away in september and i might turn lonely then i do not know and as time does not exist for shadowpeople she can turn up in an instant usually to ruin my life or relationship or make me feel like i am loser failure freak or beyond.

it seems set in stone and i do not know which of the shadowpeople decided it but like i said this housing will disappear soon and i will go to a society that has not changed in about a 100 years.

i cannot comprehend how i could live there. it is a beautiful place but you do not see people around. i do not know where they are or if they are on shadowfrequency and just are not manifesting for me.

i was told i thought in the same way as their leader and that he did not eat drink and such but like any sect it is based on misery to receive insight nothing else. i might have gotten insight that way.

again maybe i should turn into them and eat my bodys decay it would be cheaper that way.

and people do not really shower or take care of their health as their bodies do not exist as they very early on get immortal.

and i wonder if my insight i have is because of the choleric drops. i do not remember the chemicals in them though they were plenty and yes nicotinamide.

i do not know what i would have turned into if i did not get them.

as i looked up on it online it seemed connected to gas buildup as when you are born you cannot fart nor burp.

except again people do not fart or anything of the sort. they express thing to teach you a lesson that there is something wrong with you.

i now realise everyone is like this. if it is my character i do not know but if i think a certain way a person near me could cough. except they do not cough because they are uncomfortable in any way or because i do damage to them as again they are immortal.

they could call me despicable to my face which they cannot because admitting you are a shadowperson would get you punished. if you say you cough because someone thinks badly in some way you have sinned doubly.

people do not really have liquids or anything inside. they do not have illnesses or anything of the sort. if they do get an illness they will never blame themselves. if you treat them badly just once it will all be blamed on your bad character.

but again this did not exist in the smaller city i lived in once. or maybe it did. or maybe it was the time i visited my parents early on.

entities are real and if someone says they do not have them they do not also have a soul because a demon controls them and nothing else.

i remember a time when i was quiet. i saw other people in love. but then i turned into an alpha male and wanted everyone.

again, it is not recommended to stay at any spot or enjoy anything for too long. because comfort is corruption and nothing else.

i get picked on for being fat. but i realize someone close to me looked the same. when i lived far away from here this was not true. what i did not realise is i lost a lot of weight and i was rather exercing less than i did before.

i could not speak to my mother on the phone at all. so she was happy with me for once. i cannot say i believe in cause and effect either. things happen because they are supposed to and you cannot change fate.

the other day i had tried to fall asleep but couldnt. i wanted to get real drunk because everything seemed so miserable. i checked the time and it was exactly 9. i do not know if it was that because i cannot see more than one thing at a time so counting the ticks of a clock while not going insane in the process would not work.

it is said a great artist who had died had taken the strongest stimulant available right now. as usual i raved over this except you should not talk of stupidity. i now realize the so called interview released after his death but written before was made up.

as for the straight edge movement it is just as much as hoax as everything else. people can lie about anything they want. if they drink vodka and say it is water no one will think otherwise. if they drink water and think it is vodka it will come true.

i have written about this previously. anything can be anything. placebo proves it and it is probably effective at a much higher level if not 100%.

it is the basis of a world where science did not exist nor the written word.

as you try to explain something you make it simpler. this usually means destroying its soul. art keeps the soul but it cannot be quantified.

strange lyrics do sound like they make sense eventhough they shouldnt. you arent taught this in school though. again my path was slated before me and that is all that exists.

if i had truly been brought into this world as a female i do not know if i had enjoyed it more or less than now. if i found myself attractive i would become a whore in one way or the other. if i had mensturation i do not know how i would react to it.

women do not act as if they have it because they are not alive and have no emotions like other humans do not have.

i do know that menstruation can cause great pain. i do suppose if you exercise it will be less the same for eating right and being healthy overall.

i do not know if anyone tries this route though. if they say they have been athletes they took drugs to quickly increase in muscle cell capacity and then stopped and became immortal and their bodies look like they always have and always will be.

if someone says i have made their life better or worse or if such is manifested to me i do not think i should believe it like anything else.

again it might just be like this in the world i live in but no one will openly say they love you.

if this is related to the sign of our times i do not know. i am given the anti-response to my so called own thinking long ago with an often perpetuated song.

saying something a lot or seldomly has the same effect. i do not think i have ever destroyed anyone it is just the lie presented to me. i have now enacted the lie and want to be a human.

if someone acts like i have treated them badly or i am given manifestion of it in what seems like inuition but is controlling me on every level i know this is all false.

the reason i commited suicide was a modern woman. she looked incredible for her age but anything can be lied about since lies are the only things that exist and the more drugs you take the earlier on in your life the more perfect you will look perpetually.

i was given an education in how to appretiate women early on. finding my parents porncollection obviously.

i have now written for several days in a calm tone and without any influence from the outside to tell me i have done anything wrong.

the darkness is still there though and just get manifested stronger when i try to do anything else but the right thing.

so again the right thing does not exist and neither does the truth.

i could continue this for a long while but the darkness i so called manifest then when i try to do anything else whatsoever will be atrocious.

during the daytime with both the door and window open eventually a spirit comes into my room. i cannot talk to spirits directly though thinking of someone and then thinking whatever does manifest that to them.

i could not see the connection with the previous spirit. i do not believe there is anything inherently good in humans.

humans do not express anything neither have emotions nor pain ever. if they have sex they do not feel anything either since that is impossible. if the sex is so good so they go to another realm it does not matter because they are just as dead as robots if not worse.

if sex means something good happens for them it does not matter and maybe karma points are based on deeds but since the world is made up of lies and nothing else i do not see how it matters.

it is said you should live a proper life because positive karma heals your family tree. they are either stuck in hell or in a computerlike simulation where they have to figure out how to do the right thing and at the end of the day they get their true love twinflame but i suppose these are same on some levels.

i do not know if i am in the second mentioned part or will be soon. from an illustration of it you go to another place you have not been at and something happens i do not remember maybe it is what happens if you try to kill yourself or get murdered or maybe this is what all deaths are like if you do not get incinerated.

again the universe works like the theory of my brain in emotional response if you make a lot of people happy i do not know what life is like after death. since prosperity usually means depravity maybe you will lose all good karma by the time you die.

again i rage at my shadow. since i was at the lowest some years ago she had the best time of her life which is impossible because she only has fun as long as i am not happy that is and since i was happy often she tried to make it stop as often as possible

again i do not see the point of making your family happy or proud of you or anything. they might have brought you up but they are free from emotion or intelligence they are just automatic like robots and you cannot hurt them in anyway except telling truths because it gives them bad karma.

i cannot say i have treated anyone badly and again if they have ever told me they have pain or suffering from something i have done it is a lie.

one of many supposed faults of mine is that i could not allow my parents to sleep because i stayed up all night this i a lie though even if it is true because it really means i did not allow my parents to sleep together that is with eachother which might be related to my one of them snoring very loud and many other faults including not being good in bed i can easily tell when someone is lying and read their emotions even if the do not seem to express any at all

but then again others are superior to me because they can say something seemingly vain or shallow or ordinary and it takes me a long time to realise what they really meant

i can tell them they lie about me or others or anyone or show a negative behaviour towards anyone but this actually improves their good karma because at all odds they will deny it and my my truth is now my lie and their lie is now truth and if they do not respond to the truth if it is too powerful they will pretend i had never said it or they did not comprehend or didnt hear and so on

the problem is they see and know everything.

there is a population worse than humans.

they also obviously take drugs. much much worse things and to a much higher degree. although come to think of it i do not think they are different species they just take more drugs and have more sex with anyone and everyone.

they speak beyond a cryptic language.

but as i believe in the goodness of all i do not see them as bad people.

they do treat people badly but then again there are worse people which i thankfully have not met.

maybe i am one of these lower higher shadowcreatures i do not know.

maybe i am. i obliterate people with a few words without even seeing them.

in the same way i am an incubus. i do now not know if this is wrong if i talk in the normal way i did before i could think i messed up when i look them up years later they have abandoned their decadent lifestyle and have turned into parents.

i am now analyzing myself which is the only thing possible to do.

no not everything is an opinion and some facts do exist.

but in the shadowlands everything affects everyting else.

if you made an exact description of the working it might change everything.

and besides if you are drunk enough everything always turns out to the best. but again you need to be a parasite on someone else. the worse they get treated because you control them because you control their world the better you are.

the conclusion is that pain does not lead to insight or creativity.

i will go up to court in the near future. i do not know how my parasite will treat me before it happens or during or after. it could be gruesome or even worse.

goodnight.