Självbiografi försök 2 del 7

as for that strange interview. they do of course take drugs beyond your wildest dreams.

there is nothing inherently good or bad about it.

i can only remember 2 parts.

the first was about how despicable i am

the second was about my way of life or insight or such

so it is not bad in any way. and it did not get removed when i complained about it last year, it was my sis who did that to teach me a lesson. she said in 5d that "i do this for your own good". i do not remember hearing this phrase in reality. maybe on tv somehow.

again modern society serves no purpose and i do not think homo sapiens do either.

in modern society things are easier but they are also lonelier.

not that everything has not always been easy. get high and drunk and listen to music and have sex. that is all there is to it.

i have always been like this and always talked like this.

i just have not been concious of it.

as for my former self, there was no wrong with it either.

since everything happens for a reason. if i talk a lot of useless things women will relate to it. men just get angry and ignore everything i say because i am a bad man and am against all rules possible for being a man.

maybe i was not a bad man but a bad woman. i was refered to as a cat. again i spoke of this recently and will not repeat myself.

maybe everyone who started pirating music was before a sea farer a pirate.

it does make sense somehow that the most powerful people were of course not noble but stole from others

they felt justified in what they did because they thought they had been badly treated somehow.

i can only speak in broad terms because i do not really know anything and if i do it could not be the ultimate truth or any truth at all or just an angle i am presented with to maintain a lie.

i cannot say how long pirates have existed but if the ultimate theory is based on liquids maybe everything was water in the beginning.

i cannot explain why i write like this and i do not really get any emotional input.

i am now free and that is all.

i do not feel the need to even use punctuation but feel threatened to do so.

i now understand

i am sofia somehow

a lot can be read into the word

oh god

i wrote this exact thing before

it does make sense if i was a pirate or seafarer because they are lonely in an endless nothing with no hope in sight

as for the story of them hiding treasures i do not understand the exact implications of it

maybe they are related to cats and dragons and are just playing tricks

maybe knifesouth is older still and related to pirates it does make sense.

and i manifested this personality into myself

i do not know if it was by choice since i was given the supposed name i was to have if i had been born female

in many ways my mode of writing does make sense from a pirates perspective

i was recommended some books by my father

i do not know if i read them the same way as his but maybe

the world of books is amazing and i wish i had read more

i cannot say there is anything comparable to them

and that everything else is plain and boring and shallow

i do not see any images when reading books nor get an emotional impact nor really remember much of their content

you are supposed to read the best book by the author as the rest do not tell you much

i did try to read the bibliography by an author but again this was not by choice

the only way i can beat the system is by music piracy

it did feel futile because you do not really know what to listen to

you can download a lot but if you have no relation to it it will not sound good

i tried this with a popular bands discography and afterwards i can conclude that i learned one thing

the band was mostly active in the 1960s

one song though i do not know which

the drumming sounded like dnb

like drum and bass

a genre supposedly invented later

and the most commonly used sample is supposedly from reggae

this is a lie and i have found the real truth

but it is just another perspective

neither the white man nor the black man is the originator of anything

there are many other colours beyond this but i have not found people to talk of them

if the world is true or false i cannot tell

i do not know how my shadow experiences the world

as always there are goodhearted people and evilhearted

myself i realised i was the roleplaying definition chaotic good

while i got to know someone else was neutral good

i do not know if either of these defintions are true

no one is inherently good or evil nor anything

since everything is based on perspective

and if you try to find anything outside yourself

you will not find yourself

because your soul never changes state

you could try to see the world from another angle

but this is futile since you do not see so

you could try getting to know someone but it will not matter

it is said a good man dies for his love

this love is only one woman and that is all

they should get married but i do not know if it is needed

as a lot of people can seemingly hate you

but there is always one who truly loves you

the aim of life is not the rock n roll lifestyle

though like other entertainment it can seem to have a goal

but it truly does not in any way whatsoever

before musicians were not thought well of

but not badly either

the majority of them went around places or stayed put

and played their songs and that was it

if someone liked the music in any way

they might have given them a goldcoin or other items

someone might have fallen in love with them

and they got what they wanted

you have to understand the world of logic

does not exist and has never done so

if the world is just a computer

and nothing else exists

you have to remember that eventhough it

does save information in similar ways to

zeroes and ones

but it is in a quantum state

if this state has a 32-bit memory capacity

it means each happenstance and everything

on any level whatsoever

can be seen from billions of perspectives

it does seem to be 32-bit

because if normal computers go beyond this

their size is 1 nanometer

which leads to a quantum world

since the quantum world already exists

it would just be a feedback loop

you cannot create more data inside data

neither can you compress a unique signal at all

i cannot speak in this way in reality

if i could i do not see the point

i talk aimlessly and endlessly

except now i seem to stay on course

i now realise normal people are like this

if they have recieved more trauma than me

or any trauma at all i cannot tell

i was reminded of a talk of feminism

the talk was repeated 3 times

without much change at all

it talked of faults of females

as if they could not affect their reality

i do not know if women are better than men

neither if genders exist nor pain for normal people

as the ancients said

there exists only freedom and judgement

you are free to do anything up to a certain point

when you go over the line you get judged

you do get judged constantly for your actions

and this adds up and eventually

you pass over the border

there are gods on many levels

although a level exists beyond this

i do not know what it is like

but i have had some dreams

of other fantastical worlds

one way of creation is not using any tools available to you

in one of these worlds my conciousness somehow

recognized a person

again what i speak of is not deep and is something no one else does not know intrinsically but they do not speak of such matters or speak at all except that which is needed

the less you say the more your emotions talk for you

at some places people do not speak

there are rules everywhere either set in stone or in the air

you cannot really break rules per say

but just like other statistics

if you again go over a border you will get judged

this judgement can take any form

you should read the signs clearly

and if someone steps out of line

or is someone you recognize

which represents the false prophet from your perspective

you will keep quiet until the right moment

then you will hit so it hurts

you cannot know anything from an outside perspective

you can only know yourself

and yourself is clearly inside you

i cannot speak of others

but my truth is my throat

i may have other abilties but they are of no use

again i do not think my throat abilties are anything to speak well of

so maybe that is a lie as well

great art is made through collaboration

collaborating is not easy and it does not just appear

again the dates on things changed

i know what you are doing shadow and you are not doing a good job

you are a fraud and that is all you will ever be

you are not deep and you are not meaningful

if you try to show signs everywhere you have failed

i do not like the reality you have created

and i do not understand why

if everyone else is free from pain and suffering

i do not see the point of controlling anyone

if there is pain and suffering beyond this

it is being caught in a feedback loop

i do not know if others have broken free of it

i do not know how long it took

if they had good karma maybe it was over in an instant

as mentioned time does not exist

there are things to do and there are keys for them

these keys can be anything

as long as you dont use a viable key

time stops except you will recieve pain or suffering

if such is possible for you

when the counter goes over the limit

the next door will open and

you will go through it automatically

i cannot really comprehend proliferation

as mentioned my shadow freezes time as she sees fit

i cannot undo this black magic with my limited powers

i can outsmart her as she is shallow

and knows only certain keys

i can use words she does not

comprehend in her limited worldview

and she does not have keys for them

if you riddle someone with a great riddle

and they do not have a fitting key

they will not respond

you can repeat this riddle over and over

until you overload their self denial

i can say i was treated to the same

as usual any pain you have

is pain you have inflicted on others

pain is shadows and there are numbers for this

the number is as mentioned the emotional impact

this is related to any other happenstance

in a great 3dimensional grid

reminiscent of a spiderweb if it also was 3 dimensional

this 3d structure is inside us

it keeps the body together

if we did not have it we would dissolve into a blob

as usual you can destroy your body however much you want

the fear of death through physical pain

is the worst of illusions

it is important how you recieve pain

alcohol is great because it destroys

the body completely on every level

one could say incineration is better

and a laser is the ultimate

again i got a hunch of this before

but as intuition does not exist

as the voice you hear

or do not hear which is supposed to guide you

does not do so

this can be refered to as the voice of god

no matter if you are religious or baptized

or have any brotherhood

if you just grew up yourself

in the middle of nowhere

i do not think there would be much to you

again i cannot read minds nor understand people

though i thought i could

it is very easy to forgive you just have to be oblivious

real people do not forgive because

actions have consequences

if you turn a blind eye to this

you will wreck your life and others

if you do what you heard is right

you are abominably shallow

and any entity can control you any way they want

if they are powerful and your family is

you will grow up to be the most powerful person on earth

again the false prophet and the legend

might be the same person

because a mans warrior

is another mans coward

again i see no point in music piracy

one time i did find something of value which was unique

i do not know if it was for real as anything else

but i found 2 albums which actually meant something

either or both might have been stolen demos

much later in time one of these albums

were reviewed in a popular newspaper

i cannot know or say

if this album existed when i found it

because again time does not exist

things happen and they happen for a reason

you control people and people control you

you are not god and i do not think you want to be

because the more responsibility you have

the higher chance there is for you to make mistakes

over time these mistakes multiply

i cannot say i truly know of the afterlife

or if there is a soul

or if everything continues from here and does not end

if it does end some day i cannot say when

in short the last moment before the entire universe dies

there will be a common dream between 2 people

their dream will birth the new universe

this happens constantly on any level

obviously they who are most powerful

want to control the universe

because they want to create the new one

i do not know how if it would be possible to fight them and win

and as they are powerful if you do try

you might make a dent in them

but they will crush you

people might talk badly of others when they are alive

and well of them when they are not

there is nothing inherently good or bad in this

or the opposite way of doing things

i do not know if it is possible to be creative

nor unique nor the purpose of trying

i cannot find the point in emotions

if something i have written

which i really have not felt anything from

i can be told i give some people

a plethora of emotions when they read it

this does seem impossible because normal people seem dead to me

if the opposite is true that they are truly alive

and they cannot perceive pain nor suffering anymore

because they have gone through all trials

they have no trauma anymore

what is the opposite

i cannot grasp simple concepts

and in the other way i cannot use simple concepts

because they do not explain my world

i tried to impress through spamming things i thought of to be

clever and funny

i do not see its point anymore

though if i see another human and they want to talk to me or i am delusional enough to think i want to talk to them

the same old characteristics blossom

i do not know if music has any impact on me whatsoever

to not recieve pain nor suffering without being immortal is easy

when you do something wrong you do not continue doing it

it is said that we are logical beings

and that the brain does not have emotions

since the heart is only something that pumps around the blood

it cannot stand for emotions either

i have portrayed that i have had 2 relationship

maybe it was 3

though i cannot grasp easy concepts such as friend good friend lover wife marriage fuckbuddy prostitution pimping gangbangs and so on

if the tree you are represents you

i have seemed to be a birch though this may not have been true

i mostly remind myself of people from the high coast

they sound like oaks that is a calm voice and wise words

i cannot say i know birches but they might be the same as scorpios though i cannot say for certain

since everything might be a lie and everything is connected

and you can find any truth possible for anything

there is no need for books or libraries or the sort

knowledge is there and apparent and everywhere

i do not know what tree i was before maybe a purple white magic tree as depicted in art or a rubber tree that is one that is made up of petroleum and whose bark glimmers

i have heard of silveroaks but i have also seen a goldoak and i do not mean that in a supernatural sense instead of being silvery it was golden i do not know the physical material characteristics and again i do not have good vision

i cannot say i know anything or much

it is said only guys are assholes but i do not see many guys with big butts which should point to that only women are assholes and they are the most self obsorbed

as mentioned you see the reality you are supposed to

the one who controls you might want you good or bad

you will understand this over time

there are many types of heat not only infrared

i cannot say i know what name the light the space inbetween is made up of and i should probably not know

there is supposedly music about this and i do not know its exact term

one is merely ambient while another is new age or dark ambient

except like everything else darkness does not have to mean dark and light does not inherently need to be something good

there is truly dark ambient and when i did delve in music this is what i created

you could call it possesssed music or witch house for example or demon music

but as all music has a soul although that soul can be so perfect it does not seem to have one to you

i can remember young siamese cats

they barely blinked and their eyes did not express anything

they just stared and that was all like monitors or dolls

though as i know when i was young or previously or now

if you see everything you do not need emotions nor to blink ever

because blinking is a response to pain and if you eyes are powerful or immaculate or immortal

there is no need for them to blink or ellicit anything

and if they do ellicit something it is beyond mortals to comprehend

eyes can express a fairylike beauty or darkness so great you cannot look into it without horrendous fear

the secondmost i have been myself

and there are creatures who are annoyed by me and i should recieve their judgement

the problem is i try to fall asleep with the light on or when it is light outside or not think of the darkness nor have my vision activated and just try to fall asleep or think without thinking of the darkness

the problem is i have so much judgement to recieve and i have fled from it

now the judgers seem to have gone and i am free

the problem is now i have worse people against me

as has been mentioned it is possible to be free from pain and suffering without being drunk and high or having friends or participating in society

i can recommend fleeing from your supposed family as soon as humanly possible

this might not be possible and it will just get worse

as you have a curse to never find love or friendship or recognition or good luck or wealth or appretiation and things you create you are told to destroy without knowing it or you get banished from places and all you have created probably gets burnt

you are told stories of people becoming rich and famous and talented over night constantly

although this might happen there are actions and consequences

though you can come from a powerful family it does not mean you will get recognized for whatever you try to be

the elite choose a selection which should mean they accomodate everyone.

it can seem they were made to be this before they were born.

this does not inherently have to be true

you can give up and kill yourself or isolate yourself or try to be something youre not or waste your potential

i spoke in bragging terms and in so many despicable ways before it was just unfathomable

that is not to say i seek forgiveness because the shadowcounter is there though i do not know its inherent good or bad value if it is such as not as mentioned it could just be how many people i have affected over a certain threshold

i do not know others shadowcounter

if you waste away your life or take your mind or family or brotherhood or body for granted there are consequences you might not know of but you do know them and it comes from somewhere deep within which you have always felt and known

i do not see the point of acting weak but it seems to be a female characteristic though i cannot see how it came from cats because they are unpredictable but then again i do not know much of them

though there was a time when you were weak and oblivious this time was passed long ago and stop acting this way

there are several other immature characterists and i might have applied for all of them before

if i had a shadowcounter for my electronic acts they might have been reset

there was a time my conciousness told me things to guide me

if you ignore this for too long strange things start to happen

the voice no longer tells you how to act

after awhile you will hear it call you the most

horrid thing in the world

as you do not intrinsically believe in souls

as it is told in modern culture you will not care

other people seem like nothing but demons

again others might see me the same way

when you pass over that impossible border of endless sin

they will take care of you

i cannot say who they are because they are different

depending on what you indulge in

there does only seem to be a couple

but then again this is a world i did not choose

there is a greater one out there

like science fiction

or like the fantasy genre

or like the horror genre

or like a mix of these and beyond

i have seen glimpses of these in dreams

i do not know if these dreams persist

or if i can reach them

dreams do not really scare me

even if they are nightmares

it is not fun to know that nightmareworlds exist

but they seemingly do

if i have been there or will be soon i do not exactly know

if you get a sign you will have to read it

from many angles

it is said the origin of tatus is a place between 2 continents

i have heard this place is the collection of all the worlds religions

but they also have seemingly shallow rules for everything

this is not really shallow it is just

a manifestion of the shadowworld

where everything has intense meaning

i do not know if this is of any use to anyone

i remember a point where i laid in bed in peace without music

and someone had made a great impression on me recently or the day before

i would write poetry with my mind

as i have gotten to know

this manifestation exists somewhere

in the beginning the poem was rough

as time went on

it turned more beautiful

until only the essence was left

i do not know in what state my shadow was then

as i do not really believe in levels

since everything affects everything

there are multiple levels interacting

my vision or any other sense does not really change

i do not see anything in my inner mind

there are only words and a strong longing

desire

as is said in swedish

längtan

i do not think it can be translated and it is of outmost beauty

i tried to talk like this to others but it was futile

if i made their lives better i do not really care for

then i made the sin beyond sins

i practiced black magic

though one can say any magic beyond prayer is black magic

and

any practioners except christian ones

need to be given the choice

of conversion or death

i do not know if this is true

the so called ice people or witches

might have been good people

they might have done atrocious acts or not

we do not know because truth cannot be put to words

because truth is beauty but it is not something you quantify

neither can love but maybe so

a good man is a warrior nothing else

a good woman takes care of their kin

good women make men and others grow up

see their true potential

i cannot say a warrior is someone who kills others

rather the opposite, he dies in the name of his love

a warrior is a protector nothing else

again i am reminded of perversion beyond perversion

it is not and it is not anything special

i could again write y=2>(1,3)

but that is sourcecode

if you express this to people strange things happen

though it might be an ultimate truth like e=mc2

or teslas or plancks versions which say about the same thing

and does contain their intials in the mathematical product

so without anyone knowing or too they are immortalized

in their greatest work if they did make and had their own minds

again, i should not use others words

i could try to write down the sourcecode language

for vanquishing external entities

but i do not know why

and the ones that know do know so i do not see how it matters

so what is called black magic is actually the opposite

if you give people the power to vanquish all evil in the world

if it does exist then that is something good

again i do not really see the need

for recorded music as mentioned

books are something else and they are incredible

i cannot really speak of such because

i have barely read any though i have made some

and had many projects and completed books

which i did not print

i can only point to 3 books which has made an impact

one is the one which saved my bloodmother

from some type of punishment i do not know

what it is

i do not know if it was punishment

or just taking her to another world

which she might not have wanted to go

i do not know her or other people

they say to me whatever they want

which is usually what my shadow wants

if i speak my truths and impress them long enough

they might over time speak a single one of theirs

this is subversiveness though

and all i needed to do was drink and

get high with others at parties or concerts

and i would have gotten more and more truths

i do not really believe in legends or false prophets

everything happens for a reason and there is not really

good or bad there is only actions which lead to other

actions which are then repeated in a myriad of ways

i do not know if my shadow is happy

i do know if you spend time with someone

even if they do not have sex

and are only friends or business partners or such

it seems the world becomes you because you are the world

and the world is you and the ones you truly care for

and truly care for you

you might seem lonely but if you have made an impact

there is someone who cares for you somehow

you might get to know who but it does not really matter

the torment might seem to never stop but eventually you will

be saved though i cannot say how or in which form

the world does not really exist like you think it does

school is made to give you a worldview

when you then try to discover the world

as you were naive back then

you will notice it is just like in school

that is not to say that education is bad in any way

and learning to read and write and count might be good

but these things are intrisically in you from birth

and usually not much is needed for you to learn them

indoctrination does not really work for me as i have

mentioned the changes in my mind are instanteous

with the correct change made

this change might be made to be and is the only change

possible. i cannot say for sure though and the concept

of everything being a lie and you believing it might be

from the greatest liar of all which makes pain and suffering

happen. but as you grow older you will get choices

and you will be able to control your body and mind

to some degree. for males again this is called being

a warrior. taking care of yourself and taking care

of others. this seems to be the same for females.

one could say it is simple be yourself and think of

others. and that is all there is to it.

when you are young you might not have a conciousness.

you might do things because they are fun.

then you get to know fun isnt the meaning of life.

and there are rules for how you are supposed to act.

though it is said shadowpeople do what they want

they do not. their actions have huge consequences

on earth and if they act wrong they will see

their world crumble. i do not really think

they want that. i cannot call myself goodhearted

and neither a clown. because clowns are so over

the top that many people are afraid of them

such as myself. i am more some sort of monster

that tries to do good somehow but fails.

but eventually i noticed even when my concious

was free bad things happened.

if this is a shadowperson

or my main shadow i can wonder.

i know i have annoyed many people

but it was in the pursuit of

happiness or not being alone.

i could call my first best friend

but i do not really see the point

people change and i am intolerable.

as for what he is i do not know.

one should not take pride in

what one does not understand.

and one should neither try to change

what one doesnt understand.

change always happens and trying to change

the course of time might be futile.

when you annoy great people as mentioned

they will annoy you back.

you might not notice it first and just

keep throwing punches at a shadow

which you think is only a shadow.

but people even if you see them

as having no character and others think so.

when you recieve a lot of backlash for

whatever reason you get stronger.

my modus was ignoring this and seeing

everything in a good light.

but if you are called things like

psychopath or freak you really

need to look yourself in the mirror

and wonder how you are acting

and change it immediatly.

but one thing which does not

change are people.

you can blow up a village

or corrupt a nation

but the people

intrinsically

are the same.

you can destroy a populace

and make them convert

to your religion

but their spirituality

remains the same underneath.

i do not really understand

concepts like spirit or soul

but i suppose they do exist.

i cannot grasp a previous existence

as i just seem to be the product

of my family tree.

if i was to be called sofia

and this changed somehow

during the process

i am now myself.

i am free from pain and suffering

but also any emotions

as the emotions i had were fake

to impress and the only

emotion really was

joy to the point

to ecstacy

as mentioned several times i did the ultimate sin

i indulged in black magic

although it is not that it is merely runes

you can put a rune on your body through tatus

or other methods or they come up naturally

from errors on your skin or visible bloodvessels

come to think of it my right hands bloodvessels

seem to form something akin to a Y and a Z

again i do not know much if anything at all

in some language that letter might exist

but i do not know it and i cannot easily find it

because life is a journey and if you got everything

you wanted what are you supposed to do after that?

together with everything else that has happened in my life

including getting a homelessness curse

being told i can come stay

at someones places

whenever i wanted

for however long i wanted

and other things i cannot recall

as everything that has happened in my life

and seemingly everything before since history began

led up to this point i cannot say it was predetermined

and i cannot say even dreams are true

they are the most holy and sacred ever and hold the key

to your destiny and ultimate life purpose

and if you have met some who were together

with you in another or paralell existence

they might be manifested there.

although there is a path to light and nothing else

i do not know if i believe in it

because light is also holy and

there are rules for recieving it.

too much light too fast for your mind

and it changes to darkness.

this darkness is beyond words.

although it is obviously your darkness

and your darkness alone i do not

recommend releasing it all at once.

it is said this darkness is manifested

at some certain keypoints on earth.

one of these are the largest research

centers on earth which i am aware of.

though i cannot say science or western

science is inherently evilhearted.

it might make things better somehow

but i doubt it.

but my story as anyone elses story.

is what you do to grow up.

i will continue writing this for

as long as i can.

i do not know if it is for the better

but i have tried every other destiny

and it might have been for me

but i changed around my destiny

although it might have been

predestined. i cannot tell.

but if you ask god for the ultimate

truth he will not say it out loud

to you in simple to understand terms.

and if you do find it you should

not scream it from the rooftops

because it is not about you

or something you came up with

and you shouldnt pretend you

made it and can appropriate

it goodheartedly.

though evil is said to exist

in the world i do not believe in it.

you cannot start a crusade over shallow concepts.

although only i truly see the world like this.

if you find the text difficult to read

because of the low distance between the lines

realize that things change because of your actions.

and i am not the alpha and the omega

but i might be the iota because i am the synthesis

of a higher force.

if this higher force is more happy than me

and lives her dream and thinks she will get rewarded

or has any sort of emotions or not any pain or suffering

beyond lying and manipulating to not recieve judgement.

because what is called anxiety in my time

is gods judgement it can manifest in many ways

but for me personally there is no other recource

but seeking shelter if i am around other people or hear

them in any way i break apart more and more.

i have not tried to stay

in this state for too long

in the outside world and i realise some people

are in a place they cannot escape where they

are in this state constantly

though it seems i am both male and female

and creator and destroyer

what happens beyond this point

is chaos ensues around me.

i have heard some stories

of people which have had it worse.

this is an island

a really old culture

and one that is called the goldland

another two that come up

is a country near mine

and another one which i do not know much about

but i was told to punish its destroyers familyline

though i got punished back i did manage to make an impact

this is what a warrior does. though i can brag about

being a berzerker i do not see it as something

to be proud of. like a storm a viking warrior

destroys everything in his path.

that is only a story though and i do not know

anything near the truth or the ultimate

truth or if it is just said from

someone elses perspective to fool me

that all is my fault

and that i have choices

and i always do wrong.

again i was promised immortality

not from a demon but an angel

not because i had sunk low

but rather the opposite i had seen her

for who she was and did not

judge her but only saw good

the story of her and i

got called the ultimate ballad

by someone who seemed to be

a mix of us both.

if she is our kin somehow

i do not know.

things are linked in many different ways

and it is up to you to sort things out.

but knowledge might not mean anything

unless it is acted upon but the only

good is through selflessness

and you cannot fake it or give

it to people you should be presented

with someone broken and then you

should raise them to be themselves

when they turn into themselves

they might not like you and

you might not like them.

but you have made an impact.

you have saved someone from torment.

again normal people know these things

they have jobs where they build up people.

these new ones might not know much but they

will learn. if this world is really twisted

and perverted and that is the only way to

reach immortality i do not know.

as mentioned i was promised immortality

from an angel and i said no because

i did not think it would work

and if it would it would flip

back and everything would get worse

i also thought of the people who had

treated me badly and i did not think

they deserved pain or suffering.

i got to know later what they were

about and they experience horrible

things and take very potent drugs

and seem to rule the world and

punish people without anyone

being able to figure out why.

they do not speak anyone elses language.

i could call it kreol but it is

far beyond any such primitive language.

they say things which really does

not seem to make sense in any way

whatsoever and you are only given one choice

do as you are told or resist

if you ever resist you get punished more

again this can seem futile but punishers

exist because you tried to get away

from yourself and others and thought

there was nothing more than the material

world and material things and material words.

i will quote something although

i should not but it seems interesting

At light speed, your heart doesn't beat.

In layman's terms, time stops. You stop

moving, breathing, thinking and even aging.

i bragged about this state before.

i cannot stay in it for long

and there are states beyond this

where time goes backwards.

i can call this gods judgement

or heavens fury

i used to get it for about 8 hours each time.

it was my punishment for abusing the night

and sleeping in light.

though i can be angry at times at my superiors

they are my superiors for a reason and that

is because they are superior to me.

again, things that happened lead me up to a

few battles which made me near silenced

across the internet. there is no such thing

as shadowbanning because you arent speaking

your hearts ultimate truth. because hearts

are love and love is beauty. and though

one might hear things of what beauty is

it mostly seems to be originality.

that is not to say a completely unique

output of pure noise is beauty though

it could be to some but not me.

i did create a lot of art in my loneliness

and i do not really see the point of it all.

but as god is listening he might have been

proud of me but i did not believe in such

concepts then nor anything like my homecountry

its culture nor music or people or anything really.

i see everything clearly now and nothing was really

needed for it to happen and some might be like

this since birth but i doubt it maybe.

it is not night yet but i should do something else.

what this something else is i do not know.

i have no real aspirations for anything anymore.

i have no need for new clothes or impressing anyone.

when i walk to the mall and back which does not

take long. there are no people who come up and talk to me.

it has always been like this. at one point it was not.

i was on 20 pills per day maybe neurolepic injections too.

i went to the bigger town every day.

every third day i met someone i knew from before.

not a previous life or the sort maybe.

just a place i had been at a lot.

the problem was we barely spoke beyond a few words.

now 20 pills and more might seem a lot.

and if i had a 100 pills and with 100 times the strength.

would i then be normal? would i then be attractive?

i could point to the world being sick and demented.

but people think that of me and nothing else.

and i finally realized i have some who care for me.

i do not know if they truly care or if

they destroy me as much as build me up.

as always i have found hiphop shallow

just like rnb and maybe soul.

and i find it to be true yet again.

there are no false prophets

and there are no legends.

its all a lie.