Självbiografi försök 2 del 7
as for that strange interview. they do of course take drugs beyond your wildest dreams.
there is nothing inherently good or bad about it.
i can only remember 2 parts.
the first was about how despicable i am
the second was about my way of life or insight or such
so it is not bad in any way. and it did not get removed when i complained about it last year, it was my sis who did that to teach me a lesson. she said in 5d that "i do this for your own good". i do not remember hearing this phrase in reality. maybe on tv somehow.
again modern society serves no purpose and i do not think homo sapiens do either.
in modern society things are easier but they are also lonelier.
not that everything has not always been easy. get high and drunk and listen to music and have sex. that is all there is to it.
i have always been like this and always talked like this.
i just have not been concious of it.
as for my former self, there was no wrong with it either.
since everything happens for a reason. if i talk a lot of useless things women will relate to it. men just get angry and ignore everything i say because i am a bad man and am against all rules possible for being a man.
maybe i was not a bad man but a bad woman. i was refered to as a cat. again i spoke of this recently and will not repeat myself.
maybe everyone who started pirating music was before a sea farer a pirate.
it does make sense somehow that the most powerful people were of course not noble but stole from others
they felt justified in what they did because they thought they had been badly treated somehow.
i can only speak in broad terms because i do not really know anything and if i do it could not be the ultimate truth or any truth at all or just an angle i am presented with to maintain a lie.
i cannot say how long pirates have existed but if the ultimate theory is based on liquids maybe everything was water in the beginning.
i cannot explain why i write like this and i do not really get any emotional input.
i am now free and that is all.
i do not feel the need to even use punctuation but feel threatened to do so.
i now understand
i am sofia somehow
a lot can be read into the word
oh god
i wrote this exact thing before
it does make sense if i was a pirate or seafarer because they are lonely in an endless nothing with no hope in sight
as for the story of them hiding treasures i do not understand the exact implications of it
maybe they are related to cats and dragons and are just playing tricks
maybe knifesouth is older still and related to pirates it does make sense.
and i manifested this personality into myself
i do not know if it was by choice since i was given the supposed name i was to have if i had been born female
in many ways my mode of writing does make sense from a pirates perspective
i was recommended some books by my father
i do not know if i read them the same way as his but maybe
the world of books is amazing and i wish i had read more
i cannot say there is anything comparable to them
and that everything else is plain and boring and shallow
i do not see any images when reading books nor get an emotional impact nor really remember much of their content
you are supposed to read the best book by the author as the rest do not tell you much
i did try to read the bibliography by an author but again this was not by choice
the only way i can beat the system is by music piracy
it did feel futile because you do not really know what to listen to
you can download a lot but if you have no relation to it it will not sound good
i tried this with a popular bands discography and afterwards i can conclude that i learned one thing
the band was mostly active in the 1960s
one song though i do not know which
the drumming sounded like dnb
like drum and bass
a genre supposedly invented later
and the most commonly used sample is supposedly from reggae
this is a lie and i have found the real truth
but it is just another perspective
neither the white man nor the black man is the originator of anything
there are many other colours beyond this but i have not found people to talk of them
if the world is true or false i cannot tell
i do not know how my shadow experiences the world
as always there are goodhearted people and evilhearted
myself i realised i was the roleplaying definition chaotic good
while i got to know someone else was neutral good
i do not know if either of these defintions are true
no one is inherently good or evil nor anything
since everything is based on perspective
and if you try to find anything outside yourself
you will not find yourself
because your soul never changes state
you could try to see the world from another angle
but this is futile since you do not see so
you could try getting to know someone but it will not matter
it is said a good man dies for his love
this love is only one woman and that is all
they should get married but i do not know if it is needed
as a lot of people can seemingly hate you
but there is always one who truly loves you
the aim of life is not the rock n roll lifestyle
though like other entertainment it can seem to have a goal
but it truly does not in any way whatsoever
before musicians were not thought well of
but not badly either
the majority of them went around places or stayed put
and played their songs and that was it
if someone liked the music in any way
they might have given them a goldcoin or other items
someone might have fallen in love with them
and they got what they wanted
you have to understand the world of logic
does not exist and has never done so
if the world is just a computer
and nothing else exists
you have to remember that eventhough it
does save information in similar ways to
zeroes and ones
but it is in a quantum state
if this state has a 32-bit memory capacity
it means each happenstance and everything
on any level whatsoever
can be seen from billions of perspectives
it does seem to be 32-bit
because if normal computers go beyond this
their size is 1 nanometer
which leads to a quantum world
since the quantum world already exists
it would just be a feedback loop
you cannot create more data inside data
neither can you compress a unique signal at all
i cannot speak in this way in reality
if i could i do not see the point
i talk aimlessly and endlessly
except now i seem to stay on course
i now realise normal people are like this
if they have recieved more trauma than me
or any trauma at all i cannot tell
i was reminded of a talk of feminism
the talk was repeated 3 times
without much change at all
it talked of faults of females
as if they could not affect their reality
i do not know if women are better than men
neither if genders exist nor pain for normal people
as the ancients said
there exists only freedom and judgement
you are free to do anything up to a certain point
when you go over the line you get judged
you do get judged constantly for your actions
and this adds up and eventually
you pass over the border
there are gods on many levels
although a level exists beyond this
i do not know what it is like
but i have had some dreams
of other fantastical worlds
one way of creation is not using any tools available to you
in one of these worlds my conciousness somehow
recognized a person
again what i speak of is not deep and is something no one else does not know intrinsically but they do not speak of such matters or speak at all except that which is needed
the less you say the more your emotions talk for you
at some places people do not speak
there are rules everywhere either set in stone or in the air
you cannot really break rules per say
but just like other statistics
if you again go over a border you will get judged
this judgement can take any form
you should read the signs clearly
and if someone steps out of line
or is someone you recognize
which represents the false prophet from your perspective
you will keep quiet until the right moment
then you will hit so it hurts
you cannot know anything from an outside perspective
you can only know yourself
and yourself is clearly inside you
i cannot speak of others
but my truth is my throat
i may have other abilties but they are of no use
again i do not think my throat abilties are anything to speak well of
so maybe that is a lie as well
great art is made through collaboration
collaborating is not easy and it does not just appear
again the dates on things changed
i know what you are doing shadow and you are not doing a good job
you are a fraud and that is all you will ever be
you are not deep and you are not meaningful
if you try to show signs everywhere you have failed
i do not like the reality you have created
and i do not understand why
if everyone else is free from pain and suffering
i do not see the point of controlling anyone
if there is pain and suffering beyond this
it is being caught in a feedback loop
i do not know if others have broken free of it
i do not know how long it took
if they had good karma maybe it was over in an instant
as mentioned time does not exist
there are things to do and there are keys for them
these keys can be anything
as long as you dont use a viable key
time stops except you will recieve pain or suffering
if such is possible for you
when the counter goes over the limit
the next door will open and
you will go through it automatically
i cannot really comprehend proliferation
as mentioned my shadow freezes time as she sees fit
i cannot undo this black magic with my limited powers
i can outsmart her as she is shallow
and knows only certain keys
i can use words she does not
comprehend in her limited worldview
and she does not have keys for them
if you riddle someone with a great riddle
and they do not have a fitting key
they will not respond
you can repeat this riddle over and over
until you overload their self denial
i can say i was treated to the same
as usual any pain you have
is pain you have inflicted on others
pain is shadows and there are numbers for this
the number is as mentioned the emotional impact
this is related to any other happenstance
in a great 3dimensional grid
reminiscent of a spiderweb if it also was 3 dimensional
this 3d structure is inside us
it keeps the body together
if we did not have it we would dissolve into a blob
as usual you can destroy your body however much you want
the fear of death through physical pain
is the worst of illusions
it is important how you recieve pain
alcohol is great because it destroys
the body completely on every level
one could say incineration is better
and a laser is the ultimate
again i got a hunch of this before
but as intuition does not exist
as the voice you hear
or do not hear which is supposed to guide you
does not do so
this can be refered to as the voice of god
no matter if you are religious or baptized
or have any brotherhood
if you just grew up yourself
in the middle of nowhere
i do not think there would be much to you
again i cannot read minds nor understand people
though i thought i could
it is very easy to forgive you just have to be oblivious
real people do not forgive because
actions have consequences
if you turn a blind eye to this
you will wreck your life and others
if you do what you heard is right
you are abominably shallow
and any entity can control you any way they want
if they are powerful and your family is
you will grow up to be the most powerful person on earth
again the false prophet and the legend
might be the same person
because a mans warrior
is another mans coward
again i see no point in music piracy
one time i did find something of value which was unique
i do not know if it was for real as anything else
but i found 2 albums which actually meant something
either or both might have been stolen demos
much later in time one of these albums
were reviewed in a popular newspaper
i cannot know or say
if this album existed when i found it
because again time does not exist
things happen and they happen for a reason
you control people and people control you
you are not god and i do not think you want to be
because the more responsibility you have
the higher chance there is for you to make mistakes
over time these mistakes multiply
i cannot say i truly know of the afterlife
or if there is a soul
or if everything continues from here and does not end
if it does end some day i cannot say when
in short the last moment before the entire universe dies
there will be a common dream between 2 people
their dream will birth the new universe
this happens constantly on any level
obviously they who are most powerful
want to control the universe
because they want to create the new one
i do not know how if it would be possible to fight them and win
and as they are powerful if you do try
you might make a dent in them
but they will crush you
people might talk badly of others when they are alive
and well of them when they are not
there is nothing inherently good or bad in this
or the opposite way of doing things
i do not know if it is possible to be creative
nor unique nor the purpose of trying
i cannot find the point in emotions
if something i have written
which i really have not felt anything from
i can be told i give some people
a plethora of emotions when they read it
this does seem impossible because normal people seem dead to me
if the opposite is true that they are truly alive
and they cannot perceive pain nor suffering anymore
because they have gone through all trials
they have no trauma anymore
what is the opposite
i cannot grasp simple concepts
and in the other way i cannot use simple concepts
because they do not explain my world
i tried to impress through spamming things i thought of to be
clever and funny
i do not see its point anymore
though if i see another human and they want to talk to me or i am delusional enough to think i want to talk to them
the same old characteristics blossom
i do not know if music has any impact on me whatsoever
to not recieve pain nor suffering without being immortal is easy
when you do something wrong you do not continue doing it
it is said that we are logical beings
and that the brain does not have emotions
since the heart is only something that pumps around the blood
it cannot stand for emotions either
i have portrayed that i have had 2 relationship
maybe it was 3
though i cannot grasp easy concepts such as friend good friend lover wife marriage fuckbuddy prostitution pimping gangbangs and so on
if the tree you are represents you
i have seemed to be a birch though this may not have been true
i mostly remind myself of people from the high coast
they sound like oaks that is a calm voice and wise words
i cannot say i know birches but they might be the same as scorpios though i cannot say for certain
since everything might be a lie and everything is connected
and you can find any truth possible for anything
there is no need for books or libraries or the sort
knowledge is there and apparent and everywhere
i do not know what tree i was before maybe a purple white magic tree as depicted in art or a rubber tree that is one that is made up of petroleum and whose bark glimmers
i have heard of silveroaks but i have also seen a goldoak and i do not mean that in a supernatural sense instead of being silvery it was golden i do not know the physical material characteristics and again i do not have good vision
i cannot say i know anything or much
it is said only guys are assholes but i do not see many guys with big butts which should point to that only women are assholes and they are the most self obsorbed
as mentioned you see the reality you are supposed to
the one who controls you might want you good or bad
you will understand this over time
there are many types of heat not only infrared
i cannot say i know what name the light the space inbetween is made up of and i should probably not know
there is supposedly music about this and i do not know its exact term
one is merely ambient while another is new age or dark ambient
except like everything else darkness does not have to mean dark and light does not inherently need to be something good
there is truly dark ambient and when i did delve in music this is what i created
you could call it possesssed music or witch house for example or demon music
but as all music has a soul although that soul can be so perfect it does not seem to have one to you
i can remember young siamese cats
they barely blinked and their eyes did not express anything
they just stared and that was all like monitors or dolls
though as i know when i was young or previously or now
if you see everything you do not need emotions nor to blink ever
because blinking is a response to pain and if you eyes are powerful or immaculate or immortal
there is no need for them to blink or ellicit anything
and if they do ellicit something it is beyond mortals to comprehend
eyes can express a fairylike beauty or darkness so great you cannot look into it without horrendous fear
the secondmost i have been myself
and there are creatures who are annoyed by me and i should recieve their judgement
the problem is i try to fall asleep with the light on or when it is light outside or not think of the darkness nor have my vision activated and just try to fall asleep or think without thinking of the darkness
the problem is i have so much judgement to recieve and i have fled from it
now the judgers seem to have gone and i am free
the problem is now i have worse people against me
as has been mentioned it is possible to be free from pain and suffering without being drunk and high or having friends or participating in society
i can recommend fleeing from your supposed family as soon as humanly possible
this might not be possible and it will just get worse
as you have a curse to never find love or friendship or recognition or good luck or wealth or appretiation and things you create you are told to destroy without knowing it or you get banished from places and all you have created probably gets burnt
you are told stories of people becoming rich and famous and talented over night constantly
although this might happen there are actions and consequences
though you can come from a powerful family it does not mean you will get recognized for whatever you try to be
the elite choose a selection which should mean they accomodate everyone.
it can seem they were made to be this before they were born.
this does not inherently have to be true
you can give up and kill yourself or isolate yourself or try to be something youre not or waste your potential
i spoke in bragging terms and in so many despicable ways before it was just unfathomable
that is not to say i seek forgiveness because the shadowcounter is there though i do not know its inherent good or bad value if it is such as not as mentioned it could just be how many people i have affected over a certain threshold
i do not know others shadowcounter
if you waste away your life or take your mind or family or brotherhood or body for granted there are consequences you might not know of but you do know them and it comes from somewhere deep within which you have always felt and known
i do not see the point of acting weak but it seems to be a female characteristic though i cannot see how it came from cats because they are unpredictable but then again i do not know much of them
though there was a time when you were weak and oblivious this time was passed long ago and stop acting this way
there are several other immature characterists and i might have applied for all of them before
if i had a shadowcounter for my electronic acts they might have been reset
there was a time my conciousness told me things to guide me
if you ignore this for too long strange things start to happen
the voice no longer tells you how to act
after awhile you will hear it call you the most
horrid thing in the world
as you do not intrinsically believe in souls
as it is told in modern culture you will not care
other people seem like nothing but demons
again others might see me the same way
when you pass over that impossible border of endless sin
they will take care of you
i cannot say who they are because they are different
depending on what you indulge in
there does only seem to be a couple
but then again this is a world i did not choose
there is a greater one out there
like science fiction
or like the fantasy genre
or like the horror genre
or like a mix of these and beyond
i have seen glimpses of these in dreams
i do not know if these dreams persist
or if i can reach them
dreams do not really scare me
even if they are nightmares
it is not fun to know that nightmareworlds exist
but they seemingly do
if i have been there or will be soon i do not exactly know
if you get a sign you will have to read it
from many angles
it is said the origin of tatus is a place between 2 continents
i have heard this place is the collection of all the worlds religions
but they also have seemingly shallow rules for everything
this is not really shallow it is just
a manifestion of the shadowworld
where everything has intense meaning
i do not know if this is of any use to anyone
i remember a point where i laid in bed in peace without music
and someone had made a great impression on me recently or the day before
i would write poetry with my mind
as i have gotten to know
this manifestation exists somewhere
in the beginning the poem was rough
as time went on
it turned more beautiful
until only the essence was left
i do not know in what state my shadow was then
as i do not really believe in levels
since everything affects everything
there are multiple levels interacting
my vision or any other sense does not really change
i do not see anything in my inner mind
there are only words and a strong longing
desire
as is said in swedish
längtan
i do not think it can be translated and it is of outmost beauty
i tried to talk like this to others but it was futile
if i made their lives better i do not really care for
then i made the sin beyond sins
i practiced black magic
though one can say any magic beyond prayer is black magic
and
any practioners except christian ones
need to be given the choice
of conversion or death
i do not know if this is true
the so called ice people or witches
might have been good people
they might have done atrocious acts or not
we do not know because truth cannot be put to words
because truth is beauty but it is not something you quantify
neither can love but maybe so
a good man is a warrior nothing else
a good woman takes care of their kin
good women make men and others grow up
see their true potential
i cannot say a warrior is someone who kills others
rather the opposite, he dies in the name of his love
a warrior is a protector nothing else
again i am reminded of perversion beyond perversion
it is not and it is not anything special
i could again write y=2>(1,3)
but that is sourcecode
if you express this to people strange things happen
though it might be an ultimate truth like e=mc2
or teslas or plancks versions which say about the same thing
and does contain their intials in the mathematical product
so without anyone knowing or too they are immortalized
in their greatest work if they did make and had their own minds
again, i should not use others words
i could try to write down the sourcecode language
for vanquishing external entities
but i do not know why
and the ones that know do know so i do not see how it matters
so what is called black magic is actually the opposite
if you give people the power to vanquish all evil in the world
if it does exist then that is something good
again i do not really see the need
for recorded music as mentioned
books are something else and they are incredible
i cannot really speak of such because
i have barely read any though i have made some
and had many projects and completed books
which i did not print
i can only point to 3 books which has made an impact
one is the one which saved my bloodmother
from some type of punishment i do not know
what it is
i do not know if it was punishment
or just taking her to another world
which she might not have wanted to go
i do not know her or other people
they say to me whatever they want
which is usually what my shadow wants
if i speak my truths and impress them long enough
they might over time speak a single one of theirs
this is subversiveness though
and all i needed to do was drink and
get high with others at parties or concerts
and i would have gotten more and more truths
i do not really believe in legends or false prophets
everything happens for a reason and there is not really
good or bad there is only actions which lead to other
actions which are then repeated in a myriad of ways
i do not know if my shadow is happy
i do know if you spend time with someone
even if they do not have sex
and are only friends or business partners or such
it seems the world becomes you because you are the world
and the world is you and the ones you truly care for
and truly care for you
you might seem lonely but if you have made an impact
there is someone who cares for you somehow
you might get to know who but it does not really matter
the torment might seem to never stop but eventually you will
be saved though i cannot say how or in which form
the world does not really exist like you think it does
school is made to give you a worldview
when you then try to discover the world
as you were naive back then
you will notice it is just like in school
that is not to say that education is bad in any way
and learning to read and write and count might be good
but these things are intrisically in you from birth
and usually not much is needed for you to learn them
indoctrination does not really work for me as i have
mentioned the changes in my mind are instanteous
with the correct change made
this change might be made to be and is the only change
possible. i cannot say for sure though and the concept
of everything being a lie and you believing it might be
from the greatest liar of all which makes pain and suffering
happen. but as you grow older you will get choices
and you will be able to control your body and mind
to some degree. for males again this is called being
a warrior. taking care of yourself and taking care
of others. this seems to be the same for females.
one could say it is simple be yourself and think of
others. and that is all there is to it.
when you are young you might not have a conciousness.
you might do things because they are fun.
then you get to know fun isnt the meaning of life.
and there are rules for how you are supposed to act.
though it is said shadowpeople do what they want
they do not. their actions have huge consequences
on earth and if they act wrong they will see
their world crumble. i do not really think
they want that. i cannot call myself goodhearted
and neither a clown. because clowns are so over
the top that many people are afraid of them
such as myself. i am more some sort of monster
that tries to do good somehow but fails.
but eventually i noticed even when my concious
was free bad things happened.
if this is a shadowperson
or my main shadow i can wonder.
i know i have annoyed many people
but it was in the pursuit of
happiness or not being alone.
i could call my first best friend
but i do not really see the point
people change and i am intolerable.
as for what he is i do not know.
one should not take pride in
what one does not understand.
and one should neither try to change
what one doesnt understand.
change always happens and trying to change
the course of time might be futile.
when you annoy great people as mentioned
they will annoy you back.
you might not notice it first and just
keep throwing punches at a shadow
which you think is only a shadow.
but people even if you see them
as having no character and others think so.
when you recieve a lot of backlash for
whatever reason you get stronger.
my modus was ignoring this and seeing
everything in a good light.
but if you are called things like
psychopath or freak you really
need to look yourself in the mirror
and wonder how you are acting
and change it immediatly.
but one thing which does not
change are people.
you can blow up a village
or corrupt a nation
but the people
intrinsically
are the same.
you can destroy a populace
and make them convert
to your religion
but their spirituality
remains the same underneath.
i do not really understand
concepts like spirit or soul
but i suppose they do exist.
i cannot grasp a previous existence
as i just seem to be the product
of my family tree.
if i was to be called sofia
and this changed somehow
during the process
i am now myself.
i am free from pain and suffering
but also any emotions
as the emotions i had were fake
to impress and the only
emotion really was
joy to the point
to ecstacy
as mentioned several times i did the ultimate sin
i indulged in black magic
although it is not that it is merely runes
you can put a rune on your body through tatus
or other methods or they come up naturally
from errors on your skin or visible bloodvessels
come to think of it my right hands bloodvessels
seem to form something akin to a Y and a Z
again i do not know much if anything at all
in some language that letter might exist
but i do not know it and i cannot easily find it
because life is a journey and if you got everything
you wanted what are you supposed to do after that?
together with everything else that has happened in my life
including getting a homelessness curse
being told i can come stay
at someones places
whenever i wanted
for however long i wanted
and other things i cannot recall
as everything that has happened in my life
and seemingly everything before since history began
led up to this point i cannot say it was predetermined
and i cannot say even dreams are true
they are the most holy and sacred ever and hold the key
to your destiny and ultimate life purpose
and if you have met some who were together
with you in another or paralell existence
they might be manifested there.
although there is a path to light and nothing else
i do not know if i believe in it
because light is also holy and
there are rules for recieving it.
too much light too fast for your mind
and it changes to darkness.
this darkness is beyond words.
although it is obviously your darkness
and your darkness alone i do not
recommend releasing it all at once.
it is said this darkness is manifested
at some certain keypoints on earth.
one of these are the largest research
centers on earth which i am aware of.
though i cannot say science or western
science is inherently evilhearted.
it might make things better somehow
but i doubt it.
but my story as anyone elses story.
is what you do to grow up.
i will continue writing this for
as long as i can.
i do not know if it is for the better
but i have tried every other destiny
and it might have been for me
but i changed around my destiny
although it might have been
predestined. i cannot tell.
but if you ask god for the ultimate
truth he will not say it out loud
to you in simple to understand terms.
and if you do find it you should
not scream it from the rooftops
because it is not about you
or something you came up with
and you shouldnt pretend you
made it and can appropriate
it goodheartedly.
though evil is said to exist
in the world i do not believe in it.
you cannot start a crusade over shallow concepts.
although only i truly see the world like this.
if you find the text difficult to read
because of the low distance between the lines
realize that things change because of your actions.
and i am not the alpha and the omega
but i might be the iota because i am the synthesis
of a higher force.
if this higher force is more happy than me
and lives her dream and thinks she will get rewarded
or has any sort of emotions or not any pain or suffering
beyond lying and manipulating to not recieve judgement.
because what is called anxiety in my time
is gods judgement it can manifest in many ways
but for me personally there is no other recource
but seeking shelter if i am around other people or hear
them in any way i break apart more and more.
i have not tried to stay
in this state for too long
in the outside world and i realise some people
are in a place they cannot escape where they
are in this state constantly
though it seems i am both male and female
and creator and destroyer
what happens beyond this point
is chaos ensues around me.
i have heard some stories
of people which have had it worse.
this is an island
a really old culture
and one that is called the goldland
another two that come up
is a country near mine
and another one which i do not know much about
but i was told to punish its destroyers familyline
though i got punished back i did manage to make an impact
this is what a warrior does. though i can brag about
being a berzerker i do not see it as something
to be proud of. like a storm a viking warrior
destroys everything in his path.
that is only a story though and i do not know
anything near the truth or the ultimate
truth or if it is just said from
someone elses perspective to fool me
that all is my fault
and that i have choices
and i always do wrong.
again i was promised immortality
not from a demon but an angel
not because i had sunk low
but rather the opposite i had seen her
for who she was and did not
judge her but only saw good
the story of her and i
got called the ultimate ballad
by someone who seemed to be
a mix of us both.
if she is our kin somehow
i do not know.
things are linked in many different ways
and it is up to you to sort things out.
but knowledge might not mean anything
unless it is acted upon but the only
good is through selflessness
and you cannot fake it or give
it to people you should be presented
with someone broken and then you
should raise them to be themselves
when they turn into themselves
they might not like you and
you might not like them.
but you have made an impact.
you have saved someone from torment.
again normal people know these things
they have jobs where they build up people.
these new ones might not know much but they
will learn. if this world is really twisted
and perverted and that is the only way to
reach immortality i do not know.
as mentioned i was promised immortality
from an angel and i said no because
i did not think it would work
and if it would it would flip
back and everything would get worse
i also thought of the people who had
treated me badly and i did not think
they deserved pain or suffering.
i got to know later what they were
about and they experience horrible
things and take very potent drugs
and seem to rule the world and
punish people without anyone
being able to figure out why.
they do not speak anyone elses language.
i could call it kreol but it is
far beyond any such primitive language.
they say things which really does
not seem to make sense in any way
whatsoever and you are only given one choice
do as you are told or resist
if you ever resist you get punished more
again this can seem futile but punishers
exist because you tried to get away
from yourself and others and thought
there was nothing more than the material
world and material things and material words.
i will quote something although
i should not but it seems interesting
At light speed, your heart doesn't beat.
In layman's terms, time stops. You stop
moving, breathing, thinking and even aging.
i bragged about this state before.
i cannot stay in it for long
and there are states beyond this
where time goes backwards.
i can call this gods judgement
or heavens fury
i used to get it for about 8 hours each time.
it was my punishment for abusing the night
and sleeping in light.
though i can be angry at times at my superiors
they are my superiors for a reason and that
is because they are superior to me.
again, things that happened lead me up to a
few battles which made me near silenced
across the internet. there is no such thing
as shadowbanning because you arent speaking
your hearts ultimate truth. because hearts
are love and love is beauty. and though
one might hear things of what beauty is
it mostly seems to be originality.
that is not to say a completely unique
output of pure noise is beauty though
it could be to some but not me.
i did create a lot of art in my loneliness
and i do not really see the point of it all.
but as god is listening he might have been
proud of me but i did not believe in such
concepts then nor anything like my homecountry
its culture nor music or people or anything really.
i see everything clearly now and nothing was really
needed for it to happen and some might be like
this since birth but i doubt it maybe.
it is not night yet but i should do something else.
what this something else is i do not know.
i have no real aspirations for anything anymore.
i have no need for new clothes or impressing anyone.
when i walk to the mall and back which does not
take long. there are no people who come up and talk to me.
it has always been like this. at one point it was not.
i was on 20 pills per day maybe neurolepic injections too.
i went to the bigger town every day.
every third day i met someone i knew from before.
not a previous life or the sort maybe.
just a place i had been at a lot.
the problem was we barely spoke beyond a few words.
now 20 pills and more might seem a lot.
and if i had a 100 pills and with 100 times the strength.
would i then be normal? would i then be attractive?
i could point to the world being sick and demented.
but people think that of me and nothing else.
and i finally realized i have some who care for me.
i do not know if they truly care or if
they destroy me as much as build me up.
as always i have found hiphop shallow
just like rnb and maybe soul.
and i find it to be true yet again.
there are no false prophets
and there are no legends.
its all a lie.