Suicidal

so. i had anxiety. i fell asleep quickly so it was no bother. as ive noted before if i strive for health it will eventually bite my butt. that is, if im not suicidal long enough, ie deleting and throwing things away. then i will "delete" myself, throw myself. obliterate myself. there is no way out. this is your fate and you are to be punished and that is all. miss moms visit was odd. i mean im in a worse mood than ever depression type and she didnt give a fuck at all. but that is just how it is what am i supposed to do about it. i cant cast spells like normal people. i cant clean my apartment with a spell. etc. of course youre not supposed to talk about magic because youve abused magic sooooooooooooo much before you can still abuse it however much you want and a desire and feel. just dont tell anyone. as mentioned words seem to be stronger than actions. you are not judged by your actions but more your words. if you are up in court its your words against the liars and the liars win thats how it works. i find no solace in anything whatsoever. no it was not "the computers fault" it was the alcohols fault. i cant tell this to anyone and no one gives a shit about anything about me. every planck constant has 4.3 billion variations if you add it up to a second its seemingly infinite variations of time and space but that is reality. and it is not reality it is just a simulation and the only way to break out of the matrix is lies deciet manipulation drugs alcohol smoking speed bath salts. there is that wellness shit but it does not work for me. i mean i meditated like 15 hours one day not 15 mins which is called the max. but thats just how it is.