The 12 branches of government
wow. it seems i sort of dont get anything. i have never been truly alone until a few days ago.
i deleted a lot of art before. it started when dad asked me why "my art was so dark"? then i was freeing up disk space on an external harddrive, and accidentally clicked to delete everything. then i noticed what was happening, and was going to cancel. but i figured it was for the better. dark art serves no purpose to him. this continued for a long time. always i figured it was for the better. no one ever said anything about depression or suicide. i dont think ive even mentioned the first word myself? mom did finally mention the second to me a month ago, but she was dead to me before that, so it was just theatre.
when i still lived in segersjö, mom comes over and says i should throw away my record collection? was about 2000 albums. i complied. then my ex's sister said i should delete everything related to her? then my ex burned everything id given her as well. so, it seems theres no reason to be an artist. since both my parents and my ex wanted nothing to do with it. except for my ex and her mom, there was never any actual response to my art. if they did bother to look at any of it, it was an empty stare.
this was strange, since last year, 2 people i barely knew, remarked on that i "used to create so much art, music, and poetry" and wondered why i had stopped with it? 1 of these said i was the greatest photographer in sweden previously, but i guess she changed her story around.
i was happy then, but thanks to them i quit bitchute to produce music again. it wasnt for the better. but i am naive, and figured they appretiated my art in some way? it was never so.
i had doodled a lot for many years. eventually i put 27 of these doodles above my bed. after just a few days, dad comes in, and cusses me out, that one of the frames i had borrowed from "used to contain art". i guess im not an artist. he never spoke well of me. he wasnt proud of me. the only time he acknowledged my existance around other people was to show i wasnt good for anything.
i wanted to get better at cooking, so i studied it at university. when dad demanded i return home, because of abusive landlords, he constantly picked apart my cooking for years, until i got tired of it completely. after the suicide attempt, i invented a dish which my ex said i "could win the world championships" in cooking with. but she refused eat or even smelled it before that. so it broke my heart, and since then i cant even cook pasta or rice correctly. the magic is gone. nowadays i eat 100% junkfood, all my money goes into it.
but no one will believe this. because i blame myself in some ways, at least before. and everyone except me is flawless. flawless in their defence, they would never admit anything. and even if they manage to do it under any circumstance, the story changes over time to a perfected one.
dad would every now and then in glee, ever since he met my mother in the 70s, remark that "artists are those who havent gotten out of the sandbox yet". he didnt acknowledge her creativity, and never attended our exhibits, even our major one in hågelby when relatives did do so. that i was a choleric at birth was even blamed on me. as ive mentioned previously, the quicker you indulge in alcohol, sex, smoking and drugs, the better you will fare through life. otherwise anyone and everyone will destroy you and your existance, and you will be remembered as a lazy, lack-of-talent loser who never achieved anything, except the reward of neuroleptics, and all your mental illnesses are blamed on your baseless character, if even that.
dad did start to cook things later instead of getting drunk with his drugdealing neighor whenever he wasnt working, and beyond eating canned sausages he brought wherever he went. then i remarked on that cooking is an artform too. he didnt respond. though later he did try to photograph his so-called old neighbourhood. it consisted of zero people or any form of artistic value. it was just plain snapshots.
i guess i shouldnt post here at all. im getting all these hunches. but its too confusing, and i could never remember all rules people set up for everything. ive had a few exhibits, but i never had the self-confidence to pursue it professionally. i did have many dreams of it before, but before i managed to achieve an idea, those suicidal thoughts started. eventually i stopped trying, stopped dreaming. and at the end of the day, theres barely documentation of anything good ive done for people. maybe it was in some peoples hearts before, but i doubt it nowadays. dads crowd, heavily practiced at fountain house stockholm, also applies the soviet formula for detractors, carried via the byword "in soviet russia, history writes YOU".
hey, i get how the world works finally. there is no such thing as "individuality", you belong to a group, and thus act like them. if you stick out of the crowd, theyll let you know you dont belong in their group nor anyone elses.
and that first tattoo i got, so people would appretiate something about my looks, art or character? they seem to thinks its a nazi swastika, or that its about them somehow, because their name starts with an "x". thats the exact opposite of the meaning, as that person like the rest, wondered mockingly if i was a "vegetarian?". this was imprinted in me, just like the rest of my faults.
i dont really know what they mean still, and they didnt stop at first after i got the tattoo, only to resorting to other insults when that one didnt work. whatever you do to not stand out, oppose them or blend in, you get punished further. because the whole world is against you, and everyone falls for the "sex and drugs and rock and roll" formula eventually.
again, im naive, and somehow i thought my ex and i had something in common. it was never so, she put on the perfect theatre. i was just some temporary entertainment when she was in the mood. another statistic in her black book, with low marks all around.
i thought the point of life was to seek the truth, and that you could do this by staying true to yourself, and then get appretiation for it? thats a lie. a large part of my music production is still online, but the art and poetry is just slivers. the only comment on my music dad ever did, is saying he somehow listened to the radio show i was accredited as music editor at once, eventhough he pretended he knew nothing about computers, the internet or gagdets, by ways of a surprise visit at my apartment, meanwhile screaming "WHAT DOES FOUR OF FOUR MEAN?".
i always thought i lost the arguments he started and nothing else, but he indemnified himself with that before he died. and besides, in the beginning i just allowed him the opportunity to yell me out. when i finally tried to argue back, i was put down with his politically correct jargon.
eventhough i tried to be free, it seems like the opposite is true. everyone has their opinions about me, and eventually with enough subversiveness these turn permanent. but, things change, and my ex sister made me try the "all you need is cigarettes and weed" route.
everything id done for her was nullified when she obviously broke up with me over one single argument. i tried to get away from her, but came crawling back over and over. eventually, she just made me get over the edge with her passive-aggressiveness. but i barely had anyone else, and nowadays my hope is completely gone. she killed my only spark, and the only thing thats left is darkness, and ive had plenty of that since before i was born.
none of these things matter though, and if i truly made more good than bad ill never know, but ill get plenty of time in hell to consider it. as for the "sex and drugs and rock and roll" crowd, consisting of all of humanity, they will breeze through it. theyve been so high and low theyve made friends with the system, with gods, with angels, with demons, and even with moloch himself.
it doesnt really seem like i have freedom, as the more i try to break free, the tighter the shackles get. i used to naively believe theres goodness in people, in the world, and in everything, but i am alone in that. and the first band that really spoke to me was nine inch nails, with their soundtrack to the computer game quake. i used to brag that id managed to listen to it for ten thousand hours.
my second favorite artist was darkhalo, but i eventually started to wonder what things he did behind closed doors. but its hard to sort out facts. i do remember finding a keylogger dokument on my computer in the middle of the 90s, but figured since nothing seemingly had happened, i shouldnt worry. this ties in with my dad getting my computer repaired "for free", but this "friend" was into piracy, so he could just as well have gotten ahold of my ingenious "hello123" password i used for many years.
as for what happened during 2019 and afterwards, it makes me wonder if there is any free will. other people all conform to a cliche of steadily held rulesets. my only art, music and poetry maintains a steady 0-1 views. it did increase sometimes, but numbers all have a deeper meaning, so im not sure thats good either.
as for the "voices" in my head, some of them are good, some bad, but it can be difficult to tell them apart. as for my bloggfriend during many years, i really wonder what she is about.
as for my faulty memory, you can wonder what is going on. i got several more critiques in my head, but they seemingly disappeared before i had the time to write down even a word of them, like theres larger forces at play. i thought it was my mother at first, then lately, my sister, even my grandmother. maybe it goes beyond even that. and maybe the same spirit wants both good and bad things to happen, and are flawed like us humans?
then again, ive been at a level where everything seems like a grand story. because of bitchute, i dont believe in starsigns anymore, as bloodtypes tell the same story, but in truth.
so, this might seem confusing, or not, compared to my usual style of communication. when i think back, everyone ive interacted with has either denied my communication, or taken advantage of my naivette.
i dont believe in freedom in any way now. yes, the voices can keep you in chains, but the voices you dont hear, which control you without your aware of them, are worse. across the board, earth seems more to be a reality show for the others than anything else.
come to think of it, i dont believe in bloodgroups either. even elon musk himself says when you break free of the simulation.. i dont quite understand what would happen? and people constantly asked me "who" bella was? bella was the nickname of a golden retriever, who my sister taunted to the point of it biting her. she wanted to get tattoos in dedication of it, but my parents said not to it. im living my sisters fantasy, nothing else. she thought if i didnt get baptized, i would be godless. but she didnt know the power of runes and nature magic, as her whole character to this day is based on massmedia perpetuated lies.
i tried to use this online recently, which is what spurred what i thought was my ending. the only thing ive had left since bella left me, and plenty of time before, as i was to entertain her through staying at the computer all my waking hours and talk to her when i was supposed to sleep. in either case, i tried to use runes against a khazars silly nursery rhyme curse. this ended me getting me data profile shadowbanned on youtube.
as for my so-called favorite movie, which is strangely reminiscent of nine eleven, and me somehow emphasizing completely with muslims before a week ago? it makes you wonder.
it was always the same story. i do some good, then i only get noticed for the bad which happens later.
in truth, there are several levels of governance above the often perpetuated four. they are the reds, the psychiatric system, and above them the greys, the greens, to finally arrive at the black.
the green and the black i dont even notice. the greys are the messengers. the greens stand for the well-known black eye club, and is religions backbone. beyond that is staged murders and suicides, while the target gets taken into safety in the name of science.
not to forget the deep data cloud artifical intelligence. if they are somewhere between the greys and greens i do not know, but i suppose they also play a part.
all of these levels either directly or indirectly control your behaviour and freedom.
12 the press
11 the people
10 interest groups
9 administrative agencies
7 tax, paper currencies, stock market
6 the drug industry
5 deep data, quantum computers, bitcoin
4 the psychiatric system
3 the greys
3 the green, dyson sphere
2 the black
1 white noise
the last 4 have the power to grab you instantly, when you think you are at peace and alone. the psychiatric system did not do this before, but the so-called dismantlement of it in the system in the 1970s also introduced this.
and not to forget, there are just as many good as bad powers in each of these. one theory could posit that 80% do their job, 10% are corrupt, and 10% do everything in their power to stop the others.
this ties in with how my brain seems to work. 80% is control i dont notice, 10% is confusion, and 10% tries to lead me in the right direction. also refered to as, the demon on your right, and the angel on your left.
something ive also seen perpetuated through my life, is that theres 1 angel and plenty of demons. when i try something new, i get 1 chance. but the target is always out of reach. quickly after the angel is gone, i only get demons trying to confuse me.
again, the power of nature isnt publicly known, and theres a reason for that. although the mysterious rune pertho does mean, among other things, feminine power, which isnt allowed under official christianity, it also stems from understanding chaos theory and coming to a stage of synchronicity.
i do remember the old days with reversed luck, that whatever i did always led to the worst possible outcome, and eventhough i got an idea i didnt do it, and if i tried to stop it from happening, i got despair which eventually got unbarable.
as has been mentioned previously, i before had just as strong despair as war veterans. you could point to a previous life, but i dont know if i believe it. i am just a mix of my mother and father, nothing else. my path has been slated before me. if you try to stay healthy or diverge from the crowd, you get roadblocks and traps along the way.