The language of the depressed mind

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so. i have spoken the depression / troll / reptile language for a long time.

i mean, i am completely unable to speak american without it. its pathetic.

some supposed meanings.

anyway - sex in any hole.

hmm - want to have sex?

mmh - an unusual moan.

great - big cock or other gender?

i mean. i know how this sounds. its pathetic. i could look up the definitions on urban dictionary or slangopedia. but its futile. theres too many words which mean too many things. and slang doesnt amuse me anymore.

bella said i heal with my humour? but i wonder about that.

at one point it seemed like people just stopped in their tracks, looked into my eyes as if they were mesmerized, and laughed when they were supposed to. like they were programmed.

yes, as i ranted about before, i am just a sitcom. nothing else.

i guess i am like greek theatre?

3 comedies and 1 tragedy?

and it got worse when i got together with bella.

i really wondered what was going on with me when i made the second warm maria poem.

my poetry used to be beautiful? yes, it was based on attraction.

but it was more like concentrating energy. even if it was just naivity, it was still beautiful, holy, light magic.

i guess i should stop writing in english altogether. bye tracey?

but you cant just stop with things. sometimes it works. but youre like a sister to me? or twin? siamese. separated at birth? but i guess thats a fraud. why dont i think that of sara?

i did start to realise what you were about. but then again, i am naive and i dont see the world in black and white. i just see it in one single tone. what i have been told it is.

i could write an essay about this. spend some days on it. i mean, nothing else ive made matters? but i guess it does. if the world is cold and lifeless and without meaning? then art should make it warm and living and meaningful? i.. guess thats the point?

so. i checked your profile as i was gonna get to read you again. you have left so many signs over the years. as for jeff? did anything change there? since hes your brother? if he is?

i mean. what have i achieved. i just perpetuated the same stupidity over and over?

"mostly friends only, mostly stream-of-consciousness rambles vents and mind-straightening.

I like having a good friends list to read, but I'm not too hung up on people reading me."

oh. thats completely about me. i wondered about the stream of conciousness part before. but i didnt see the bigger picture?

i guess i only see details. but then again, downs autism aspbergers is because of vaccines. or are they? i sounded normal on the radio show when id quit electronics. your voice is quite geeky tracey? if it is yours? who knows? right, youre in front of computers a lot. a whole lot. like before 2006 for me. youre blue around your eyes. you only get that from intense screen time and no sun. i guess were alike.

but then again, reality isnt real. and if it is, its based on signs. not numbers or anything. this is called the voxel theory.

but again, nothing of this matters. i cannot talk to people and have never been able to. i could make my best friend laugh? but i dont remember our conversations? but it seems its chosen to me what im allowed to remember?

so i talked about the fifth dimension a lot before. so what? doesnt prove anything. and no matter how much i rise, i dont see a higher truth.

well, i do, but only for a moment, then everythings back to normal.

and then again, i dont want this reality. its annoying. you cant just walk and do something and thats it. oh no.

everything is like a maze. a puzzle. a rebus. you should read the signs. which, uh, is easy? you drink. you drink a lot. and thats it. thats all you need to do to be anybody.

as for the 500% alcohol tax we have in sweden? it makes sense now. it is logical. karmic debt is complicated. yes, there is a certain law for every behaviour and thing and movement and place and thought and emotion in the world, in relation to everything and everyone else, and whether it was done in private or public, which is related to sun/moonlight too, and if birds are present.

but then again, none of this matters? because everyone knows? and if they dont? well. thats good? they will have a good life, but it will be filled with pain. but they will be able to have emotions? well, no, not for me? i am like a clown. people look at me like a television. and im never anything beyond that.

some people see through this. mainly guys. i guess theyre a manifestation of my best friend. uh. should i mention his name? i mean, its weird. his name is like a religion. they couldnt have made the psyop worse than that huh? except, i didnt believe in that religion. so its quite weird. hey..

as for the radio show? whats the point? did i reach out? 500 000 people? did i improve them? how? oh, right. the show improved me. well, you never know..

as for me not having emotions. it makes me wonder why? i am not apart of any religion, i think? my parents were both christians. so i have it in my blood? but im not baptized? i dont know what this means.

reading doesnt interest me, because i remember so few words. this isnt to say my memory is flawed, i remember what im supposed to. one memory leads to another, and if im writing or talking to people i can spam for half a day or more.

this is the reason i liked citations so much before. if they spoke to me, i added them to my collection. i read them over and over.

as for how normal people think of me? uhm, they just get bitter and thats it.

or do they? theres one song which says something else. i cant mention it as the vampire entities have their way with them then. and it doesnt matter. and everyone knows this just like they know everything else.

i am not a viking nor norse. yes, i am a berzerker, most truly. miss mom likes eating anything, maybe she ate amanita too? who knows.

anyway, i should structure this up and make it neat and tidy. but i wont. i cant. im tired. im old. i will die in 1 year. or someone in my family will at least. then ill get the treatment she got.

oh wait. its not the muslims. its the knifesouth. its my dad. they collaborate? ok. weird. dont get the connections, but, hey..

the problem with creating art, has been for me for someone to give that energy back that went into making it.

when i finally started making music, this all turned upside down.

it seemed like the opposite was happening. i took energy from others, and needed that to create. i mean, i didnt need it, but i felt so horrible that.. well. things happened.

i blamed myself for 2 terrorist attacks in europe. i now know why.

as for suicide bombers? are they true muslims? or do they get the knifesouth treatment? extreme synthesized tinitus (which most cant tell from the real thing)? mk ultra mind control? where they do what theyre supposed to from a higher power? its all out there. one of the 3 naked gun movies. you know, when a baseball player seemed to be controlled remotely? it might sound funny and whatever. but it is all real. im now sure columbine was conctocted too. yep, violent computer games make you messed up in the head. i cant see how they could ever be cathartic. but the same goes for violent movies. television news. rock and roll music.

...........and. when was the world actually good? and if the garden of eden really exists, who would want to be there?

so, thanks tracey. last year you imitated me. it was beautiful. i realized i write in an extremely complicated way? which might be confusing? but i just try to convert my brain to text?

so, do i exist? can i be controlled this much? if i shed a tear now, was that predetermined? if a dyson sphere can emulate an entire universe, then.. whats the point?

so. some archangel contacted me last night. quite simple. lying in bed. relaxed. when you dont see it coming. he said, and it was a quite clear voice. some dude in his 20s. maybe. i guess hes ancient. but who knows. couldnt identify who.

"blev det bättre nu tomas?"

"did it get better now tomas?"

quite unusual to get that many words, and also a decypherable voice in it.

but, i got from both a swedish and english spirit, the retaliation that i shouldnt "citera / quote" them. i get it.

i use the world for my own gain.

the spamming happy humour was a reply to.. well, bullying? one single word that they laughed at. but it all was based on earlier beginnings.

as for julia? great for her. i learned some things. my anxiety disappeared for awhile. did i learn anything? yes, that sex just doesnt work for me?

i am not attracted to guys instictively, but i am to women, and only their butts?

again, that time when i was 7 and my neighbors and family were going to see a porno? what happened when i was sleeping? where was my sister in all of this? i cant remember.

and does anything of this truly matter? yep, i captured peoples attention. im like a sitcom. great. so an alien race has profited a lot on me? awesome.

and i lost everything. i was naive. but this got me where i am now. and.. i wouldnt want to change it.

at one point bella said we should be the only ones alive on earth. seemed like a difficult mission. and i can do chaos not inteltionally, but hey.

as for not liking sex, i dont see the problem? oh, right, turning into a vampire entity in the commute. im not the only one. and.. where did all this begin? original sin?

again, thanks for last year tracey. i wondered if you also only were a vampire entity. or a liar. or a.. it doesnt matter. or does it? i strongly believed in genuinety. but bella was on a much higher level than me.

she did complain of pain and suffering and misery. but i realized now, if she could heal me from it, why not herself?

if she had nightmares of murders and was traumatized from it each time she woke up? why did this not happen when she was at my place? well, it did once. but she was happy with me? i guess?

and i barely remember her and miss mom did curse me. but youre not allowed to talk of these things.

so im "full of life and light"? you mean, like a comic book? i guess i do good? i dont see it though?

and i should only talk in swedish, as my english is shockfull of equalants of those swedish words i cant stand. but then i feel lonely, because i think you dont understand swedish tracey? and you understand everything? so. oh well. and i lost you. the physical you. or internet you. now its just the ether left. if even that. its calm in my head. as ive cried some.

i guess free will does exist. and having emotions is good. except, i have for most of the time had free will. because my base emotion is somehow calmness, peace, no negative emotions, ataraxia, equilibrium. the first element, what bella called me once. how i dream, dimension 0. and julia said she had my phone number as 0 so her dude that i reminded of wouldnt notice it.

so. i am. i am. i am. the alpha and the omega and the iota. i guess its true? or im just fucking delusional. lol. how does it matter. i talk like i take both metaamphetamine and fentanyl? well.. great for me. a raving loonie. thats all. a cat. well, bella likes them, thats why she liked me, i guess? and maybe cats are truly from venus. and thanks again tracing for showing me what my writing is like. you do that, often. give signs. and i sort of understand them? its still difficult to change. its now how my dad did it? but he was how he was. and now hes dead. and he was still my dad? how do i have the right to complain about him? he did do mistakes, but he did good things too? and mistakes turn to wisdom over time, so how does it matter? and maybe it wasnt mistakes, and were intented so id be what ive become, somehow?

and as for the punishment i got from stealing the pennies he saved. simple. the knowledge "be yourself, think of others". nothing else is needed to know.

and as for tatus? no. the first should have been enough. but if it was my sisters wish to get these tatus, then i made her happy? which is what its all about?

its fun in some way to write this? but afterwards i wonder if anyone will truly care? i had so many book projects before, and they disappeared. oh well. well, you cared about the emotion book, and bella as well. but you know all that, so i dont see how it matters.

art is just bad copy of dreams. computergames are bad copies of getting drunk. whats the point?

i wish someone would just hug me and tell me it will be alright.

oh. right. i made a poem about that. i got a hug afterwards. i improvised the poem for once. as my vision destroys things, if i try to read off of a paper the message gets corrupted.

now, its not the end of the world. and its not the end-all-be-all. and its no big deal. everyone goes through this. and everyone is an artist, so it doesnt matter. you create as much as you destroy, everything else is impossible. each action has an equal and opposite reaction. its simple. its not even quantum physics. its just how it is. i am not allowed to speak of eastern wisdom. so ill try not to. dont appropriate. makes sense. dont believe youre someone youre not.

as for that guy which started around the same time as me at my job? well. hes a nice guy. like ive written about. like, once i happened to walk past the place when i had extreme despair. he just smiled. he was there. so hes an angel. bla di da. women dont like men with emotions. i get it. but everyone thinks im a woman. or idiot. or cat. so. i dunno. or just cat. guys like dogs. women like cats. guys dont like women who act like cats. for obvious reasons. they want someone thats for real. down to earth. not a random nutjob who speaks like a manic street preacher all day long, because shes gotten drunk the first time and think its the greatest thing ever. well, she gets delth with. i didnt. and that was my problem.

dieties cannot affect me. because i am beyond even the space inbetween. well, they can. the muslims! fuck. lol. i am soooooo toast. 1 year left to live. make it meaningful. at least left to not live in insane misery beyond misery. meow?

as for what you talk to chris about me? ill never know. i dont know whats good about me. i guess i should lighten up and listen to some music.

its not the end of the world. its just 1 person. and thats it. it does seem like the end of the world. because it does change depending on how you act. alright. everyone is like this. like me. i am not special. but i am me. and there is no one like me.

and i..... cant really talk to people anymore. i mean, im intolerable. i turn to my old self again. but i did some good then? oh well.

as for women calling men crybabies? uhm..... what do men call women who cry a lot? i......... dont really know?

stupid blonde isnt something nice to say. i got called it. and it wasnt fun. but everything happens for a reason. there is no hate. and even if there is, there is a logical reason for it. some people dont understand in any other way. and what disappears has served its purpose.

again, bella said i talk like her cats. shes got 8 of them in total. 6 siamese, 1 mom 1 dad 4 kittens. and 1 tomboycat the normal camoflague colour and one with red hair. thats me. i dont know how. but, hey. so i live outside. and i talk to her sometimes. i say meow and i purr and i dance around and. im that cat? meow ^_^

and everything is lovely and amazing and WOW and sooooooooo happy and wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? and cats are FUN. and so random and like duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude ^_____^

and miss anticountess said i as the only one. at first i thought it was the only one she loved. but maybe im the only one whos truly loved her? i dunno. i guess so. i dunno. or at least not judged her. or. i dunno? she made me a better person. i guess? things happen. and. thats just the way it is. people are different from people. doesnt mean being different is bad. its just how things work. different people like different people. and i made a poeeeeeeeeeem about that before-before and like omg! ^__^

and im reminded of an old friend. and i shouldnt mention her name. i only know her nickname. can only guess of her real. but it doesnt matter. shes been by my side. i thought i lost her, like everyone else. but its not like that. you make someone happy once, youve got them. and thats just how it works.

meow, meow, and meow? kay? y kno wut am seyng? k. ^_^