What if you had forever
ive been feeling
that again
thought about it
some months ago
its been almost a year
since i cant move
my legs anymore
and sometimes...
i just feel stuck
in limbo
like
what should i do today?
i usually dont think that
in the beginning of the
day though
i always wake up
in good mood
and no matter
what they say
im not addicted
to dip
so i have it easy
too easy
took hempseed oil for a week
and decided to quit it
now its almost better than ever
have no anxiety at all
if i do get it
it heals quickly
the only problem is
im getting more
and more tired
for each passing day
am i dying?
and what should i
do with my days?
since i have the internet
and not much else
a mom that visits me
i have 2 other older friends
but i havent called them
since last year
i did feel like a
vampire before
or a mummy
or a zombie
but now its worse
i cant just go for
a walk anymore
and walk away my worries
i did stop with that
when i met bella
so ive been pretty stationary
since 2019
i started with dip then
and also smoking
thats a horrible habit...
dip though
if i dont feel like it
i dont get any
withdrawal
symptoms
the problem though
is something else
without dip
it turns to like before
everyone is mean to me
not everyone
not all the time
but a lot
people are mean to
me at this housing
but thats usually
when i have anxiety
and with that
gone out of
the window
it should be better
but no
im tired...
i have only 1 mg neuroleptic
risperdal
so thats good
no injection
that makes you smell
like a corpse...
i think its too clean here though
dust used to inspire me
anxiety doesnt inspire me much
dip makes me zeroed
i guess i take too much
so i feel next to nothing
think next to nothing
not much inspired
except this text now
secret!
i watched porn
for an hour or two
it was really degenerate
but i regained stamina
that way...
anyway
i guess i feel better
than most people would
in my position...
i meet mostly the
same people here
theres no nurse shortage
thats a myth
its only a couple of people...
im mostly calm
and get happy easily
but mostly calm
i cant get a boner anymore
so watching porn is real odd...
it does fulfill some sort of desire
and ive wanted to tell a woman
who works here
that i love her
but i didnt dare...
so i can still feel love
but sorta not
before i jumped
i took 1½ dip pucks per day
then it increased to 3 for a long while
and now im down to 2 or less
anyway
what should i spend my days with?
playing computergames...?
how dumb...
social media is even more stupid
no one is deep...
cant connect to anyone
an italian woman
who was a noise musician
fancied me on facebook
some months ago
and it was almost automagic
she could read your mind
and all that
and fell in love with me
had wild dreams about lovers
but didnt realize it was me
and then i said something bad
which wasnt really that bad
though what she linked
meant a lot to her
i didnt like it...
so then she was gone
i read about manic depression
which i bragged about having
which i dont really anymore
it was mostly the neuroleptics
that caused it
i used to create much less art before
its the anxiety that causes it
acute anxiety
which hempseed oil is
especially good at treating
so try that if you havent
anyway
i started my journey
with immortal techniques music
then i found bitchute
and now substack
long posts and long comments
just what i like
i still like bitchute though
and have found a site
riverside.fm/transcription
that converts any video or audio
into text
thats another thing
all of a sudden
about a month ago?
i got insta-bored of
playing runescape
and figured i should watch
a gaming video on youtube
it worked!
before i got anxiety within minutes
so i watched and watched...
for several days
and...
i got tired and anxious
now im just tired
without being anxious
thanks to the hemp
anyway
i cant really expand
my mind anymore
ive heard it all
not like it was in my teens
when a single quote
would be like the
greatest experience
since i quit hemp
im not bored anymore
just really really tired
but hope i can heal that too
i could go on massage
but seems to only be 1 single
which comes to visit you
and massages
where i live
and they might not
know what i need
anyway
i am still my old self
though i talk a little slower
i looked just at my webcam
and i look like a sad puppy
how bella said i always looked...
i dont love her anymore
i barely think of her
and it stopped at la belle epoque part 3
part 4 is only a few poems
ive stopped producing music
ive stopped photoshopping
and stopped with poetry
since a month back
when the great psychiatrist i had
(that im meeting soon again)
reduced my meds
and thus reduced
my creativity
to near zero
i think its also got to do
with that its too clean here
dust inspires me
its ectoplasm
ghosts
but im not afraid of
the dark anymore
maybe you need
to be that
to be creative
id say so...
miss mom brought over a freeweave
and hung it up
unfortunately
it made my legs spasm
so i cant handle dust anymore...
but did inspire me to write this text
so nothing good out of anything...
bad?
anyway
my dreams have improved
since i game so much
its usually
computergame
inspired ones
and they are amazing
i used to tell myself
months back
that even if
today sucked
i would still be able to
rest sleep and dream
when the day
came to an end...
anyway
i do like reading about
political subjects
even if a lot of it
is insults or even
murder threats
to peoples in power...
anyway
not much more
inspiration now
tired too
what would you
do with forever?
if all your days
were the same?
what would
you live for?
i live for tracey
i cant live without her
and she speaks more to me
than before
every day
some messages on my blog
or replies ive sent to hers
so blogging actually
means more to me
than any art...
just expressing myself
no matter how stupid it is
and tracey understands...
most, almost everyone
just gets insanely
infatuated with me
then tire of me
dump me
and get someone
average instead
its happened so many times
but wasnt that with bella
and i treasure our time together
she appretiated everything about me
eventhough she did want me to grow
"you are my flower"
and i made art music poetry
about her
thats over now
and my creative side
is done with
i dont know if i feel better
i feel nothing most of the time
but not like manic depressives
"emptiness", but just calm
playing computergames
does make me happy
and watching them
was fun for awhile
but i prefer reading
also mostly stupid comments
on bitchute
or else i get lonely...
but i dont feel much lonely
and this is the thing
i felt worse before i jumped
which was why i jumped
i didnt want anything to do
with the psychiatric system
and they leave me
mostly alone now
last time i got into the hospital
i was in somatic care
and it was much better
anyway
my body is warm
though i cant sense most of it
my feet are cold so thats not good
and they look weird and sorta disfigured...
so dont know if i can heal that
though i have good healing flesh
and i finally realized
my skin is real soft
the other day
seems eating a lot of proteins
improves my tactile sense
so will continue with that
otherwise
yes
theres some mean nurses
but theyre not always mean
sometimes theyre sweet
and laugh and tell jokes even
and theres one im real fond of
ill probably never say i love her
and i dont think it would
make any difference...
i adore her, and she likes me
but shes married, and has kids...
what would you do with forever?
would you get married?
and fuck and do drugs all the time?
it is said
"50 years of love
makes a woman
look like a wreck
but 50 years of marriage
makes a woman
look like a public building"
and what am i then?
im less feminine now
and less male too
thats another thing
now that my libido
is out of function
i cant remember
the last time
i had a boner
like once a month
or less
and it lasts for a
second or two
and is barely visible...
hard or flaccid...
but it was my libido
which made me chaotic
to which ive lost
many wonderful women
and male amazing
friends over
so i dont miss it
i dont miss going on walks
since i havent done
that for 5 years almost
and i guess i miss fountain house
although, i got really
badly treated there
in the beginning and
especially at the end
but i also had my own
faults to blame for it...
so many amazing people
but as rock stars say...
all people are the same
all places are the same
and i got a good view
from my window
a beautiful
summers day
so
the world is beautiful still
and its inhabitants
as ive said numerous times
ive forgiven everyone
and everything
since some years back...
and if the world ends soon
as they say on conspiracy sites...
i dont really mind
its been an incredible journey
and i look forward to the next one
what would you do with forever?
would you waste it?
would you appretiate it?
would you spend it on
wine women and song?
or on intellectuality?
on reading books?
or seeing endless
mindnumbing
thriller series?
would you spend it with the one?
or with numerous?
would you get a career?
or feed on the system?
would you kill?
would you love?
would you kill for love?
would you die for your love?
...like bella said about me...
anyway, im quite dazed right now
no anxiety in sight though
so thats good
had my dinner
its been good the last 2 weeks
before then, for some time
i barely ate anything
it just wasnt good
and i was constipated too
lost 3kgs
weigh 109kg now
down from 140kg
2 years ago...
i dont wish much from life
i just live it
i dont think about myself
i just live life
i dont think what others think of me
i think of more things to say
wise things to say
jokes
fantasize some
and i wish some had gotten true
but everything turned true
with bella
so i dont mind
dont want STDs anyway...
i have 1 true friend
dont know people have more
if any...
in this fake plastic
photoshopped world
what would you do with forever?
im content with how it is now
and til forever
its much better than before
in every way
though some years at fountain house
were amazing...
but with bella
i sometimes woke up
and think
"damn im so happy!"
so she was the best...
im happy now in somatic care
i didnt want the psychiatrics
hands on me anymore
and my wish became true
to everyone out there
that takes a lot of meds
look them up online
look up your disorders too
mental or physical
youll notice
that its easier to learn more
than doctors or nurses
nowadays know
i am now down to 7 pills per day
but it could be even less
from maybe 20 or 30 before
one pill was for an ailment
then i got another one
to treat its side effects
and the doctors stayed quiet
and the nurses said
"thats a good pill!"
but i learnt otherwise
anyway
as i often say too
i dont want a trippy world
i am a trip all by myself
i dont feel a lot
but elicit emotions in others
same goes with working out
which i have documented for awhile
i worked out 2 hours per day or more
just air resistance, just my right bicep
but i lost 9 kgs in a month that way!
and people started screaming
and argumenting at me
but that was just my
changed testosterone levels
my changed aura
and people started being fake
the staff here of course
dont meet anyone else
except for miss mum
who is amazing
and a survivor
her husband died
quite a few years ago
and she lingers on...
anyway
its a blue blue sky
no chemtrails here nope
and soon they will change my diaper
and bedsheets maybe
and ill go to sleep
and dream a
sweet dream...
and well see
what the next day
has to offer...
what would you do with forever?
"id spent it with you"
as whitney houston says <3
av Tsofmia Neptlith (ris och ros)
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