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so. a few days ago. i tried to figure out if i was better than xe in anything.

i could not come up with anything. xe travels. she makes money. xe has someone that xe lives with.

who protects xe. so xe can live her life however she wants to. it is not perfect for xe.

and it has never been so for me. i got what i wanted. it was not sex. it was a relationship.

it seemed perfect. but it detoriated. so it was not perfect. it did not last a long time.

i made art for my ex. then my ex got used to it. i got tired of my ex.

my ex told me i am boring and so is the one ex lives with.

this is a conundrum. but i do not see the point in caring about my ex.

my ex does not care for me. truly. i was one down the line.

then my ex got another one. its how it works. you get more. you get more happy.

for me it is not like this. i have a före detta and an ex.

i cannot pick and choose. my ex picked me. thats............. what ex does.

ex does whatever xe wants and gets it and gets away with it.

xe can get whatever xe wants. i cannot. i have priviliges.

as you get older you get less priviliges.

to say it once again. to reach nirvana you need

10 to the power of 400 billion infinities.

that can be hard to grasp.

one. single. lifetime. is one infinity.

and just 10 to the power of 4000 is an immense number.

billion is a large number.

and since it is to the power of. it is plus^3.

that is. plus plus itself squared.

it is multiplication multiplied.

i cannot tell if xe is happy.

xe has dreams. one dream xe cant fulfill.

to be a parent. to have someone to care about.

but that is incorrect. if only moms and dads exist.

xe has done a good job.

xe sea said xe only hates one person.

the other person xe has not met.

it is difficult to dislike something.

that you cannot grasp.

but 10^400 000 000 000 infinities is easy.

it is simple. and futile.

you should do the right thing.

you know only what is right.

it is not in your outside world.

it is not your desires.

it is not your dreams.

some dreams are implanted.

some dreams are real.

some you understand.

dreams are like everything in your outside.

they are signs.

you do not know if you should go up.

or down. or left. or right.

or spin. or accelerate.

our language has many possibilities.

the more choices you have.

the higher chance you will do wrong.

over and over and over.

eventually your mistakes become habits.

so its difficult to break.

if possible at all.

i cannot say it gets better.

it gets more difficult and more easy.

some better some worse.

if someone dislikes you however.

try to figure out how.

not to damage them.

but to understand.

why they damaged you.

only you can know this.

there is a plan.

there is your fate.

you have people on your side.

whatever you believe in.

whether from insight or indoctrination.

becomes your world.

you are your world.

and your world is you.

you can change it.

or you cannot.

if it gets too hot or too cold.

do something about it.

i would have prefered to speak japanese.

it is said a single letter can be spoken.

in 40 to 50 different ways.

for example. angry sad happy.

these are not enough for me.

there are 100 muscles in your face.

that could mean 100 to the power of 100.

for example. that is a large number.

then you can have wrinkles. spots.

these all tell a story.

together with all of this.

it is your fate.

how your life has been lived.

you can use extentions or not.

be sure to understand.

when it is time to let go.

not of yourself.

because you are yourself.

nothing else.

just let go of things which

does not serve your purpose.

it can be people too.

so called friends.

1 is enough for me.

for others it is different.

i searched more.

and found it.

now i lost it.

but i am there and not there.

and here and not here.

at the same time.

i am sofia.

av Sofia Sotz (ris och ros)

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